[Start with a replay of the famous T&Q scene when the most obvious couple in Gundam Wing met for the first time. The screen freezes on Trowa standing outside Heavyarms with his hands raised in surrender. ]
Monotone Voice-over: And that's how you bag a Gundam pilot.
[Cut to an interviewer (Heero Yuy in a suit) at a desk.]
Heero: (Monotone) Next week, we'll be showing you how to pick up a misogynist, how to pull a colonial rebel leader, and how to have fun with an obsessive princess. But now, the men of the Artic Base Light Mobile Suit Infantry will entertain us with a precision display of bad temper.
Voice (Zechs): ATTENTION!
[Eight OZ soldiers, all freezing in heavy parkas, in two ranks of four march out into the snow. They halt, salute, and start to chant with precision.]
OZ Soldiers: (Teeth chattering)
Voice: Very good. You may go back in now.
OZ Soldiers: Thank you, SIR! (They rush into the building.)
[Cut back to Heero, who is now passionately making out with Duo. When he notices their being watched, he quickly shoves Duo under the desk.]
Heero: (Seriously hot and bothered) And next…(There's a giggle from under the desk and the sound of a zipper. Heero squeaks.) And next, the cadets of Victoria Base Specials Academy regale us with their famous close order swanning about. (With that, he dives under the desk. Several garments are flung into the air.)
[Cut to Instructor Noin with eight cadets, all dressed exactly like Trieze, lined up in rows of four each.]
Noin: Squad. Camp it…UP!
Cadets: (Mincing in unison and impersonating Trieze) Oooh, get her! Whoops! I've got your number, ducky. You couldn't afford me, dear. Two, three. I'd scratch your eyes out! (They all claw at the air) Don't come the brigadier bit with us, dear! (All put hands on hips) We all know where you've been, you military fairy! Whoops! (Wave toward Zechs, who's just walked in with Trieze. Both look rather upset about something.) Don't look now girls, but the Lightening Baron's just minced in with that dolly Commander Khushrenada. Two, three. Ooh-ho!
Noin: (Upon seeing them) Shit.
[Cut to the interviewer's desk, which Wufei is now leaned over and recording whatever's going on behind it with a camera.]
Wufei: That's it…work it for the camera boys…This'll sell for hundreds on E-bay… (Suddenly, he realizes he's being watched and quickly hides the camera behind his back.) *Ahem! * And now for something completely different…
[Cut to a pianist (Quatre) in a smoky nightclub.]
Quatre: (Flashing the crowd a bright smile) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed up recently for a good 'friend'. ( Plays the lead in.)
Isn't it awfully nice to have a
penis?
Isn't it frightful good to have
a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy
It's divine to own a dick
From the tiniest little padger
To the world's biggest prick!
So, three cheers to your Willie
or John Thomas!
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser
snake!
Your piece of pork, your wife's
best friend,
Your Percy,
You can wrap it up in ribbon
Or put it in your sock!
But don't take it out in public
Or they'll stick you in the dark
And you won't come back!
Crowd (At least the trio [a kitsune, a neko-jin, and a girl in glasses] who aren't stunned silent…): Encore! Encore! (The kitsune, takes out a lighter and waves it.)
Quatre: Alright then: (Plays the opening for the HEDGEHOG SONG*)
You can do it to a sheep if you
lead it astray
Or with a chicken, just part of
the way
With a lion if you have that
much pride
Or with an elephant if you're
rather wide
You can with a grizzly if you
give him a hug
Or with a bullfrog if you give
him a bug
With a giraffe if you can stand
on a chair
But the hedgehog can never be
buggered at all
The hedgehog can never be
buggered at all
Buggered at all, buggered at all
The hedgehog can never be
buggered at all
Buggered at all, buggered…
[Out of the blue, two hedgehogs, one blue and the other black with red highlights, jump the stage.]
Sonic: Excuse me?! Just what the hell do you mean that hedgehogs can't be buggered?
Shadow: Yeah! Are you implying that we aren't attractive enough?
Sonic: Well, that might be the case for you, Shadow…But I happen to have a DAMN fine ass, thank-you-very-much!
Quatre: (Sweatdropping) I think you've misunderstood. You see, the song is warning people not to bugger hedgehogs because they've all those quills…
Sonic: Oh! Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place? (With that, both the hedgehogs hop off-stage.)
Quatre: *sigh*- I just wanted to sing, I wasn't expecting a kind of Inquisition.
[JARRING BAD SYNTHESIZER MUSIC!]
[A trio of Inquisitors burst in from stage left. In the lead is Cardinal Char Aznable aka 'The "Red" Comet' of the Duchy of Zeon (Still in his mask, but instead of the helmet, he has on a really big hat) , flanked by junior cardinals Garima (with goggles on his head) and random Zeon soldier.] {Authoress takes a breath}
Char: NOBODY expects the ZEON Inquisition! Our chief weapon is…
Hero-ish Voice: You're wrong, Char! It's:
[JARRING BUT THIS TIME DECENT SYNTHESIZER MUSIC!]
[Another trio of Inquisitors burst in from stage right. This time, in the lead (and the really big hat!) is Lt. Cardinal Bright, with his junior cardinals, Amuro(with goggles) and Ryo.]
Bright: NOBODY expects the FEDERATION Inquisition! Our chief weapon is Gundam…and Gundam…and Gundam…and Gundam yet again…and…
Annoyed British Voice: No, no! You're all doing it
wrong. The Inquisitor skit goes like this:
[JARRING MUSIC]
[The lounge door flies open and Cardinal Ximinez of Spain (Michael Palin) enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Biggles (Terry Jones) has goggles on his forehead (identical to Amuro's and Garima's). Cardinal Fang (Terry Gilliam) is just Cardinal Fang.]
Ximinez: NOBODY expects the SPANISH Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, nice red uniforms (Glares at Char, who's wearing pink), blah-blah-blah, and etcetera.
[There a few mumbled apologizes and sounds of
realization.]
Ximinez: Right, now if I have to come back into this skit, then you will all be put to the RACK!
[JARRING MUSIC]
[Biggles waves a plastic coated dish-drying rack menacingly at them.]
Bright: That's it?! I thought Spanish Inquisitors were supposed to be…well, fiercer.
Ximinez: (Getting annoyed) Alright! That's it! If it's fierce you want, than fierce you'll get! Biggles! Fetch…THE SOFT CUSHIONS!
[JARRING CHORUS]
Biggles: Here they are, lord.
Ximinez: Now you'll feel the wrath of the Spanish Inquisition!
[Biggles proceeds to poke Bright in the chest with two very soft pillows. Bright sweatdrops while everyone else doubles over in laughter.]
Garima: Is that all they got?! I went through worse
during preschool!
Ximinez: So! You dare mock the Spanish Inquisition, eh? Then you must suffer the worst punishment ever to be inflicted upon heretics! Cardinal Fang! Fetch…THE COMFY CHAIR!
[Even more JARRING CHORUS than for the SOFT CUSHIONS]
Fang: (terrified) The…Comfy Chair?! (Really cool echoy effect here.)
[Ximinez nods curtly, and reluctantly, Fang pushes in an over-stuffed, extremely comfy armchair. Roughly, they push Garima into the Comfy Chair.]
Ximinez: (leering cruelly) In order to make your
torture more…torturous, you'll be hand feed various delicacies by nubile young
Valkyries in very skimpy clothing until tea-time. Now, as for you, you randy
little—(He turns toward the stage only to see that Quatre has long since fled.)
Awah, bugger.
[Cut to another interviewer (Trowa) setting at a desk in a cow pasture.]
Trowa: And now for something completely different.
Heero: DUO! Did you leave the front door open again?!
Duo: (Ditzing out for a moment) I've got chocolate bubblegum! Want some? (He eagerly thrusts the Slurpie toward Heero.)
Heero: Grrr… How many times must I tell you that we are on a hostile planet! We can't drop our guard for a moment least those filthy human stinkbeast break into our fortress! We mustn't let our guard get all…dropy. (Heero stomps over to the door and slams it shut.) Now, I will be down in the lab tending the laser weasel project. Do not disturb me. (He trots over to the portal.) Computer— Take me to THE WEASELS!
[As Heero is speaking, a nerdy kid in glasses and dressed up like a high-tech ninja (Wufei, chibi as well) sneaks in through the window and is crawling along the ceiling. Just as Heero steps onto the platform to his lab, the intruder takes a picture of him.]
Heero: What the….
Wufei: I didn't do it!
Heero: Yes you did! Computer, activate intruder defenses!
[Several metallic tentacles tipped with claws slither out of the ceiling. Deftly, Wufei dodges them and somersaults through the window, which Duo happened to have left open. He stops in the yard to pose dramatically.]
Wufei: MWAHAHAHAHA! I have you now, Yuy! Once I send these pictures in to Mysterious Mysteries, your Yuy-guts will be strewn all over an autopsy table.
[As he is gloating, one of the killer lawn gnome-drones turns and fires its lasers at him. Wufei back flips out of the way, then dashes off down the street. Heero, who was glaring out the window, turns toward Duo.]
Heero: You left the window open too?
Duo: No…wait, yes. (Takes a slurp off his Slurpie) Geez…it wasn't like I was expecting a Spanish Inquisition.
[Jarring Music]
[The lab portal whizzes open and Cardinal Char Aznable, aka 'The Pink… (DEATHGLARED© by Char)…erm, I mean, 'The RED Comet', of the Duchy of Zeon enters flanked by two junior cardinals, Cardinal Amuro (who has goggles on his head) and Cardinal Random Oz Soldier.]
Char: NOBODY expects, eh …(Pulls out a sheet of paper, scans it, then stuffs it back into his pocket.) NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! In fact those who do expect—
Amuro: Our chief weapons are…
Char: I know, I know! Our chief weapons are…um…er…
Amuro: Surprise…
Char: Surprise…surprise and—Okay, lets just stop there! Phew! Ahem! …our chief weapons are surprise…blah-blah-blah! Cardinal Random, read the charges.
Random Ozzie: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church…and Jhonney Vasquez… 'There once was a man from Venus—'
Amuro: That's enough. (To Heero) Now, how do you plead?
Heero: Invaders do not plead. And just how did you get into my fortress anyway?
Char: The dog-thing let us in. (Getting serious) Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
[Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER']
Heero: No, no! That's not how you do a diabolical laugh. It's more like this: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!
[Superimposed caption: 'MANICAL HEERO'S JUST BLASTED SOMEONE TO HELL LAUGH']
Amuro: I don't know. I always thought diabolical laughter sounded more like this:
OH-HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO!!!!!!!!!!!
[Superimposed caption: 'NAGA THE WHITE SERPENT LAUGH']
Duo: Nah, too SLAYER-ish. How 'bout this one:
TEH-HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! HEH! OH-HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO! HO!!!!!!!!!!!
[Superimposed caption: 'EVIL DOROTHY the Spiky-browed Bitch LAUGH']
[Suddenly, a General (Dorothy) steps out in front of them.]
Dorothy: Alright now! Stop this skit right now, it's just getting silly! (Under her breathe) Besides, I am not a spiky-browed bitch….nor do I laugh like that! (Glares at the boys.) Now, you lot, get onto to something decent and Monty Python like before I have you all court marshaled!
[Scene changes to a busy intersection. Sitting calmly at a desk in the middle of the intersection is Wufei.]
Wufei: And now for something completely different.
Voice Over (Trowa):
[Caption on screen: 'THE SEMAPHORE VERSION OF WUTHERING HEIGHTS' Film]
[ Appropriate dramatic film music throughout. Heathcliffe (Zechs as Millinardo) in close-up profile looking intense, his long white-blonde hair is blowing in the wind. Cut to close-up Catherine (Catherine as…well, Catherine), also in profile, with hair streaming wildly about in the wind. {All hail the WIND MACHINE!} It's as if they are looking into each other's eyes. Pull out to reveal, on a very long zoom, that they are each atop separate small hills, in the rolling English country-side. Zechs produces two semaphore flags from behind him, and waves them.]
SUBTITLE: 'OH! CATHERINE!'
[Pan across to Catherine who also produces two flags and waves.]
SUBTITLE: 'OH! HEATHCLIFFE!'
[Zechs waves his flags again.]
SUBTITLE: 'OH! OH! CATHERINE!'
[With each cut, they are further and further away from each other. Catherine waves flags again.]
SUBTITLE: 'OH! OH! HEATHCLIFFE!'
[Cut to her husband (Lt. Bright) at the front door of an early Victorian manor house, looking stern {but when isn't he?} He waves two flags.]
SUBTITLE: 'CATHERINE!'
[Cut back to Catherine on the hilltop.]
SUBTITLE: 'HARK! I HEAR MY HUSBAND.'
[Cut to Bright with two enormous flags.]
SUBTITLE: 'CATHERINE!!!!!!!!!'
[Cut to the interior of the manor house. Cut to an old man (Howard) asleep in a chair by the fire. He has two little flags which he waves.]
SUBTITLE: 'ZZZ…ZZZ…'
[Cut back to front door again, exterior. Bright is waiting. Catherine comes up the path towards and as she approaches, he flags.]
SUBTITLE: 'YOU'VE BEEN SEEING HEATHCLIFFE AGAIN'
[Indignantly, Catherine waves her flags frantically.]
SUBTITLE: 'YES! YES! I'VE BEEN SEEING HEATHCLIFFE, AND WHY NOT? HE'S THE ONLY MAN I EVER LOVED. HE'S FINE. HE'S STRONG. HE'S ALL THE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER BE, AND WHAT'S MORE…'
[Caption on screen: 'MONDAY FOR 7 DAYS' Film of chibified Gundam Sandrock and Tallgeese in a chariot race as thrilling music plays.]
Voice Over (still Trowa): From the pulsating pages of history, from the dark and furious days of Imperial Rome we bring you a story that shattered the world! A tale so gripping that they said it could not be filmed. A unique event in cinema history! Julius Caesar…on an Aldis lamp!
[Superimposes caption on screen: 'JULIUS CAESAR ON AN ALDIS LAMP']
[Close-up of Caesar (Trieze) walking in Roman street. Soothsayer (Duo) pushes his way up to him wild-eyed and wielding an Aldis lamp which he starts flashing.]
SUBTITLE: 'BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH'
[Some steps at the foot of a statue. Trieze is stabbed by Brutus (Zechs) and an angry mob of Roman senators (Garima, Char, Dorothy, and a very reluctant Une). As he falls, he pulls out a really big Aldis lamp and starts flashing:]
SUBTITLE: 'ET TU, BRUTE?'
[A wide open rice field. Two samurai facing each other with
Morse buzzers.]
Voice Over (yep, Trowa again): Coming soon, 'The Book of Five Rings in Morse Code.'
[Superimposes caption on screen: 'THE BOOK OF FIVE RINGS IN MORSE CODE']
[They run at each, then one buzzes and falls to the ground.]
SUBTITLE: Various kanji appear across the screen
SUBTITLE for SUBTITLE: .'ITAI!!!!'
SUBTITLE for SUBTITLE of SUBTITLE: 'ARGH!!!!'
[Pan over to a shrine with a massive Torii gate. Inside the shrine, on the altar, is a desk which Quatre is seated at.]
Quatre: And now, for something completely different.
[Interior of Deathscythe Hell. Duo sighs as he looks out across the vast tracks of blasted land.]
Duo: The world today is absolutely crackers! With high-powered mobile suits and orbital laser cannons to blow us all sky high. (As he says this, he un-straps himself from the seat and climbs out of the cockpit.) There's fools and idiots sitting on the trigger. It's depressing, and it's senseless, and that's why…(Instead of stepping out onto the Gundam's platform, Duo walks onto a stage and into the spotlight.)
I like Chinese,
I like Chinese,
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they're always friendly and they're ready to please.
[Not surprisingly, one seriously pissed off Wufei storms onstage.]
Wufei: How dare you call me short! (He gestures toward Duo's boots, which happen to have rather high heels.) And I'm not even going to touch the implications of "friendly and ready to please!"
[The music keeps going as Wufei continues to rant. All Duo does is smile evilly at him.]
Duo:
[There's a loud pop as Wufei is suddenly transformed into a chibi.]
[There are several more pops as a small army of chibi Wufeis (each dressed up in a different outfit) appears out of nowhere.]
[Cut to a cartoony scene with a chibi Wufei in a sailor uniform on a little paper boat sailing across the ocean.]
[Duo suddenly reappears and scoops up an armful of chibi
Wu-sters, huggling them.]
[Cut to Duo in a Chinese restaurant, being served by a highly annoyed Wufei.]
[Wufei promptly whacks Duo over the head with the tray.]
[Duo pulls out a cane and precedes to tap-dance across the stage.]
[Cut to Wufei , now unchibified, tending a bonsai tree. Duo dances around behind him.]
Wufei: That's JAPANESE, baka!
Duo: (still singing and dancing) …their ping-pong,
their yin and yang-ese.
[Wufei is standing in the middle of a classical Chinese painting dressed up like Confucius.]
Wufei: (Blushing) For once, Maxwell, I agree with you.
Duo:
[Before he can go on yet another rant, Duo puts his arm around Wufei.]
All together now!
Duo and Wufei: Wo, I chumba run,
Their
ping-pong, and their yin and yang-ese.
I like Chinese,
I like
Chinese…(fades out)
[As they perform the duet, the credits roll over. When the credits finish, they take a bow
and an arrow appears pointing to Duo's butt.]
Voice Over (Trowa): Number Sixty-nine; The End.