"What are you waiting for, Dr March?" Jac said accusingly. "Do you want me to take over?" she added, confused. She stared at Zosia, expecting her to snap out of her momentary lapse, the way nervous juniors always did when she gave orders in theatre. But Zosia didn't move, her hands still poised above the patient's chest, suture in hand.
"Zosia!" Jac couldn't afford to waste time today.
Her eyes glazed over and the entire theatre team looked at her – the only sound the low hum of machinery.
"Uh, I-I-I'm sorry" Zosia mumbled, frantically handing the needle holder to Jac and turning her back on the operating table. Her hands were shaking.
"What th-!" Jac started.
Zosia practically sprinted out the room before Jac had the chance to shout the standard reel of abuse at her for abandoning a patient mid-op. Zosia hurriedly tugged off her surgical gown and bolted down the corridor, no idea where she was going. All she knew was that she refused to have a full blown panic attack in front of her terrifyingly beautiful boss. The signs had been creeping up on her all day: the sweaty palms, the racing heart, the paranoia, but it wasn't until that moment with all eyes on her that she froze.
"Fuck" she muttered, bashing her fist against the corridor wall before putting her head in her hands. Her breathing was heavy and erratic. She could feel her racing pulse all over her body. Shit, shit, shit. She thought, breathing out slowly and then inhaling deeply, trying to regain control. It was the worst possible timing. Jac had avoided giving her this task in surgery for weeks, making Zosia practice over and over again in the lab until she nailed it. She thought she could do it. She usually could push past these rare feelings of anxiety and carry on with her job relatively unscathed, but today had been different. She didn't entirely understand it herself but something about having Jac watching, waiting for her to perform caused a churning in her stomach and her whirring thoughts to surpass a threshold at which she could function. The woman was completely irrational and totally unfair, not to mention a bloody genius with no patience for fuck-ups. She tried to ignore that the last thing she thought of before her uncharacteristic freeze in theatre was the curve of Jac's neck, the way tiny strands of hair fell behind her ear, how nice it looked. Zosia opened the door nearest her, deciding to take solace in the store cupboard until she could face the imminent backlash for her behaviour. Right now she needed to focus on calming down, and making up a plausible story.
Jac opened the store cupboard door, absentmindedly flicking the light switch on.
"Jesus!" she gasped when she saw a figure lurking at the far end of the room.
"Sorry" Zosia replied
Upon realising it was her she composed herself, her face becoming unreadable. "I'm not even gonna ask" Jac shook her head and began rooting through a shelf. This was not the reaction Zosia was expecting, but decided this was better than she could have hoped for.
"Uh, I can explain" she started, walking towards Jac, straightening her stance.
"Honestly, save it" Jac said firmly but not unkindly. She tucked her now loose hair behind her ears and lifted a storage box onto the floor. This was very strange, the lack of angry outburst made all Zosia's elaborate excuses useless.
"No, I need you to understand, I can do it!" She moved closer to Jac, desperation creeping into her voice. Great, now you sound pathetic, Zosia. She wished her internal monologue would just give her a break.
Jac knelt on the floor, all her attention focused on the box, not even looking at her. This annoyed Zosia – she'd much prefer rage directed at her than this apathy. She'd never seen Jac act so blasé about anything related to surgery before.
"Ms Naylor, please" she practically begged. Her frustration was palpable, she'd spent nearly a year living up to her exceedingly high expectations only to blow it all with one, tiny mistake. Zosia wished her emotions weren't so strong, that they didn't have this crippling effect on her. Why can't you just be normal? She berated herself, taking a breath.
"Look, I'm just not feeling great today. My psychiatrist is switching up my meds and my sleeping's all over the place and I just freaked out, there were so many people in the gallery, I'm so sorry." She blurted "I know you probably won't let me near your theatre again but I'd love another chance to prove myself to you and I-" She paused having realised she meant to say none of this. Jac smirked infuriatingly, finally looking up at her.
"Zosia, it's fine. We all have those days, this won't go on your record " Jac's gaze was so intense, her eyes impossibly green.
Zosia was stunned into silence for a moment, trying to make sense of what she'd just heard. "Oh, uh, thank you, thank you so much" she shook her head in disbelief. This was the nicest Jac had ever been to her.
Sighing, Jac shuffled into a sitting position, resting her back against the shelves. "Do you want to talk about it?" She said softly, realising Zosia must have been really worked up to leave theatre like that. She hadn't wanted to pressure her to explain, but it seemed she wanted to talk.
Zosia shrugged, reluctant to reveal more than she had already. Everyone said you couldn't trust Ms Naylor, that she might stab you in the back and she couldn't risk that; but here she was being genuine - as far as she could tell. That was good enough for her. Jac patted floor next to her and throwing caution into the wind, she joined her. They sat parallel, both looking ahead. Zosia could smell Jac's perfume, lingering on her skin. It made her feel dizzy. She looked down at her hands, trying to ground her thoughts.
"I guess I'm just annoyed at myself because I know I'm capable" She said "And I let you down." She added tentatively, thinking her consultant might not appreciate the heart-felt comment.
"I know what you mean" Jac replied "But you didn't let me down."
"No?" she asked.
"No, because everyone got to see my superior surgical skills so really you did me a favour" she nudged Zosia, smiling.
"Ha." she retorted. "I guess"
Intimate silence descended on the conversation and Zosia looked towards the door, then back to Jac awkwardly. They were both acutely aware of their closeness, their shoulders touching. Zosia could hear Jac's breathing. It sounded wonderful. She wanted to stay like this, it felt safe. Jac turned to face her, studying her expression. Zosia wanted to swim in the air between them. Jac's burning hot gaze traced an agonising line from Zosia's forehead down to her lips, before resting on her eyes again.
"Zosia I'm here" she almost whispered. Hearing Jac say her name like that caused her heart to stop. She couldn't look away.
"I know" she replied, moving her leg so their knees brushed. Zosia had to steady herself, she felt ready to take off. She had no idea if Jac felt it too. Maybe she made everyone feel this way.
Jac cleared her throat, suddenly looking away, breaking the connection. "Uh anyway, I'm late for a meeting" she said quickly. She jumped to her feet, leaving the room almost as quickly as Zosia had left theatre earlier.
Zosia was left sitting on the floor alone. She released a breath she didn't know she had been holding, flinching when the door slammed shut.