"UPPERCUT" (sung to the tune of Linkin Park's 'Papercut')
Disclaimer: Harry Potter, Quirrell, Snape, and Voldemort do not belong to me. The great J.K. Rowling owns them. The lyrics of "Papercut" belong to Linkin Park, one of the coolest bands I've known.
A/N: The title has no connection to the filk... I'm just too lazy to think of anything else.
Enter Quirrell wearing his giant purple turban
QUIRRELL
Why do I wear a turban, you say?
"That big purple thing is so passe."
I really don't think it's that cliche.
DADA was all I got left
I don't know how I got cursed
By a Dark Lord thought to be dead
So I know what it feels like
To have Voldemort in my head
It smells like garlic that's inside
A turban that attracts snowballs nearby
A turban that serves as a bull's eye
A turban stuck to my head even if I fall
(And when I do anything)
So I know that when it's time to take orders from within
When the face inside is telling me
To get rid of him
Enter Harry Potter
Harry stares at Quirrell
QUIRRELL
It's like the Dark Lord looking over my back
It's like You-Know-Who inside of my head
It's like I'm helping Lord Voldy to win
It's like the face inside has now become my twin
Enter Snape, glaring at Quirrell
Harry looks at Snape
HARRY
I know he's got it in for me
Points out how much he loathes me
He's hates all the Gryffindors too and
He probably wants us cursed
SNAPE
looking at Harry and Quirrell
I don't know which ticks me off worse but I know what I can't stand
to Quirrell
This somebody acts like he's stuttering
But I can add up two and two and
I know that in that turban there's something inside
A face that I've seen with my own eyes
A face that doesn't know I'm a spy
A face thought to have met its downfall
(But not that's half of it)
And you know that it's time to hide from him
When the dark mark burns black in hue
You feel it in your skin
Snape seizes left forearm and exits
QUIRRELL
It's like the Dark Lord has made his comeback
It's like he's here to conquer death
It's like I'm helping Lord Voldy to win
It's like my master wants me to get rid of him
turns to Harry
HARRY looking at Quirrel and backing away
It's like he's gone mad and about to attack
It's like he's already lost his head
It's like he can't stop wearing that evil grin
I think it's best for me to run and save my skin
Harry runs and Quirrell chases him
VOLDEMORT
I'm right inside and Potter you can't win
HARRY
Isn't Voldemort supposed to be a has-been?
QUIRRELL
He's the face inside right beneath my skin...
QUIRRELL
Must steal the Stone
Or my master thinks I had failed him
Must steal the Stone
So my master won't think I betrayed him
(repeats till end while Harry sings simultaneously)
HARRY
It's like he's overjoyed because of the fact
That Lord Voldemort is alive instead
Of being thought to be no more than air so thin
It's like he's determined not to be ruined
It's like he's gone mad and about to attack
It's like he's already lost his head
It's like he can't stop wearing that evil grin
I think it's best for me to run and save my skin
Exit Harry
Exit Quirrell