Summary: Hawkeye finally pays Darcy back for stealing her fries in New Mexico. Steve/Darcy. One-Shot.
Author's Note: AU as it does not involve 'Civil War', 'Infinity War', etc.; just a generic semi-fluffy version of the MCU.
Disclaimer: "The Avengers", "Captain America", "Thor" and all associated characters and situations are the property of Marvel Entertainment and are used for entertainment purposes without permission or intent to profit. To the best of my knowledge, I have neither been replaced by a Skrull or suborned by Hydra.
-o0O0o-
"Wedding Gifts"
By J.T. Magnus, 'Turbo'
-o0O0o-
It was no secret that the SHIELD Agent and Avenger known as Hawkeye, otherwise known as Clint Barton, had a sense of humor that could be considered warped at times. It had gotten him in trouble more than once; actually, so many times that most people had lost count. It also had him on a number of people's hit lists and not all of them were metaphoric; there was at least one bounty that specifically wanted him with his tongue and 'funny bone' seperate from the rest.
Worse for him was the fact, also, that not all of those who had problems with him were on the nominally opposing side from him. Considering that one of those was his partner as a SHIELD Agent and arguably the most lethal woman in the world, the fact that he was still alive was almost a minor miracle in and of itself. Although, actually, for those 'in the know' as the saying went, even the Black Widow herself wasn't the greatest threat that Clint faced. Even SHIELD Director Nick Fury had been known at times to give Clint the reminder that 'Hell hath no fury like a woman with french fries stolen'. He was also quick to point out that she regularly wrangled some of the smartest people in the world like her own personal herd of cats and was known to taser gods; Fury had a twisted sense of humor and what earned his respect.
None of which would normally matter since Clint simply considered it a challenge and he loved not just winning challenges, but making them look ridiculous. The problem was that Darcy Lewis also happened to be involved with a genuine American hero from the Second World War who was also probably the one person in the world more accurate with his chosen weapon than Clint himself; or, in short, Steve 'Captain America' Rogers. 'Involved with' was actually an understatement, if Clint thought about it; 'engaged to' was more accurate. It was a little surprising; considering the stories he'd heard about Agent Peggy Carter, Clint would have expected the Super-Soldier to have gone for the nearest modern counterpart in the Black Widow. It probably was a good thing he hadn't bet on it with anyone, he'd have likely lost more money than he could spare.
Actually, the 'engaged to' had ended less than two hours before, being replaced with 'married to', so that made the situation even worse. At the moment, former U.S. Army Sergeant - and equally former Soviet Union assassin - James Buchanan Barnes, also known as 'the Winter Soldier', better known as 'Bucky' was taking advantage of being another preserved veteran of the Second World War as he gave his 'Best Man' speech. Any other time, Clint would have been both fascinated and amused at hearing that, during his time with the United Service Organization, Steve Rogers, super-soldier, Captain America... had been completely and utterly oblivious, he simply could not tell that one of the USO girls on tour with him had been hitting on him. It was the kind of thing that in any other situation would have given Clint ammunition to tease the man with for months to come; unfortunately, this wasn't one of those other situations. This was a situation in which Clint already had to cover his own ass from an earlier incident before things managed to get worse.
When Bucky had finished his story and taken his seat on the other side of Steve from Darcy, Clint decided that like any good archer it was time to take the shot before he lost it and things turned against him, so he stood up and tapped his knife against his glass to get everyone's attention.
"I can't say I have as good a story to tell as Barnes did, I don't even really have a story on its own. What I've got is a request to make and it may end up needing me to tell the story behind it before we're done," Clint announced.
Steve looked at him with that expression on his face that had caused people over the years to break merely from the idea that Captain America was looking at them and wanting answers. The problem was that it was having little effect on the archer who irritated Russian spies and SHIELD Directors just to pass the time, so finally Steve nodded, "We'll think about it, at least."
"Normally I guess you'd wait until you get home to open the wedding gifts..." Clint shrugged, "Never been married myself, so I don't know... but why don't you go ahead and open mine now?"
"If it involves whipped cream, shaving cream, banana cream pie or confetti, Barton, you're going to become better friends with my taser," Darcy - nee Lewis, now Rogers - warned threateningly from the seat next to her new husband.
"Do I look like I'm that stupid?" Clint asked, putting on an air of hurt.
"Da! Very much yes, in fact!" Natasha called out from her seat at one of the other tables in the reception hall, causing a few chuckles to spread throughout the room.
"What she said," Darcy agreed with a firm nod. This time the chuckles were more widespread and overt.
"I swear on my honor that there's no traps involved here..." Clint raised his right hand as though swearing an oath in court. Unfortunately, he was being found 'guilty' in the court of public opinion as everyone looked at him with disbelieving expressions as though not sure if he really expected them to believe that. The archer sighed at the almost accusatory looks he was getting, "...Would you be more willing to believe me if I swore on my favorite recurve bow?"
"'Tasha, if there's a trap, break the bow," Darcy called out, receiving a pleased chuckle from the redhead that did nothing to comfort Clint.
The Russian-born spy smirked and rubbed her hands together, "It will be my pleasure..."
Clint whimpered slightly, "There's no trap, please."
'And I thought people were intimidated by me,' Steve quietly thought to himself, not entirely sure how to handle the way the two women were double-teaming one of his fellow Avengers.
With great ceremony, Darcy stood up from her seat and the head table and walked down to where the gifts had been stacked for the reception and were waiting to be loaded up and taken to the newlyweds' home. A sense of tension began to fill the reception hall as she knelt down and began to move packages around, searching for the one that had came from Clint, with everyone starting to wonder what would happen when she finally found it. A few minutes passed as Darcy checked labels, minutes in which an observer would wonder if time for anyone but her had stopped as everyone seemed to be holding their breath and waiting. At last, it seemed as though she had located her target, lifting one of the boxes up and sitting it on top of others to be reached more easily before she opened it.
When the wrapping was removed and laying on the floor, Darcy's head shot up and her eyes locked angrily on Clint, "A... hot air fryer?"
"It's healthier than a deep fryer, I thought you'd like that," Clint commented.
"Is this some kind of way for you to say you think I need a diet, Hawkeye?" Darcy almost snarled, causing Clint to mentally whimper.
Wondering how things had started to go so far sideways so quickly, Clint tried to redirect the situation, "There's more to it than that, look inside the box, okay?"
After giving him a hard look with narrowed eyes, Darcy turned her attention back to what she held in her hands. Opening the box, she noticed that the hot air fryer itself wasn't alone inside, there was something else. Frowning, she lifted it out of the box and looked at it realising that it was some kind of cutter, though she wasn't sure what kind.
"It's a do-it-yourself french fry kit!" Clint announced, proud of himself and completely unaware that he was merely digging his own grave and digging it deep.
Calmly, Darcy sat aside the box and its former contents and looked up to the head table and her new husband, "Steve, where's my taser?"
"I suggest thee flee, archer," Thor called out from his seat next to the Maid of Honor. "She is most fearsome with her chosen weapon, I speak with experience most profound."
"But I'm paying you back for the french fries I ate! You can have all of them you want!" Clint offered up, wondering how things had gone wrong like this.
"Yes, but I have to fix them myself!" Darcy shot back sharply, standing up. "You're not supposed to fix french fries yourself, you're supposed to buy them at a burger joint where they have too much salt, too much grease and not enough fries in a medium and too many in a large!"
Bucky leaned over so that he could quietly mutter to his old friend, "Too late to back out now, Steve. You already exchanged vows and kissed her."
"Yep..." Steve answered softly, eyes fixed on his wife and a small smile on his face, "Wouldn't have it any other way, either."
Bucky grinned, "So, her taser?"
"Not... yet..." The grin never left the 'genuine hero of the Second World War's face as he spoke.
"Steve! Taser, now!" The tone of Darcy's voice, as she was stalking towards Clint, who in turn was trying his best to back away without turning and running, was adamant.
"Steve...?"
"Almost..."
"Someone give me something that I can electricute this arrow-shooting jerk with!"
That was it; survival trumped dignity as Clint wheeled around and took off for the door to the reception hall at all possible speed. He was through the doors and gone faster than Darcy could catch him, leaving a room full of laughing wedding guests behind him and a snarling bride stalking up to her new husband.
"Steve, was there something about me wanting my taser that didn't make any sense?" She demanded, hands on her hips and annoyance in her tone.
Steve Rogers, Captain America, genuine hero of the Second World War and so forth, smiled as his wife, "I just thought you'd like to enjoy our honeymoon while he has to spend the time wondering what will happen when you get back is all."
Bucky looked at Steve in disbelief and slowly shook his head as Darcy stepped forward and the two shared a searing kiss, a though crossing his mind; 'I'm the merciless cyborg assassin and even I think that's evil. Geez, Steve...'