Disclaimer: I would if I could, but I don't so I won't. (Same goes for the song: Once When I Was Little by James Morrison).
AN: I do not claim to know everything about leukemia or treatment in general. I did some late night googling, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
I was the one who would always jump in first
I didn't think twice to look behind
Got such a good feeling just from playing in the dirt
Once when I was little
When Kurt was five he played in the dirt, he jumped into the pool well ahead of his parents, despite their yelling at him to wait. He was fearless. He was indestructible. Of course he managed to do all of this extremely well dressed, but that was besides the point. When Kurt was five nothing could touch him.
Then he woke up with a bruise, which was nothing new, he was a little boy and little boys got bruises all the time. No one panicked, there were no freak outs, just a salve that was suppose to help but really just smelled terrible, a kiss on the owie, and a push out the door.
Then he woke up with another bruise, and another, and another. Then Kurt's parents started to worry. There was a trip to the hospital where the doctors listened to what had been happening, exchanged a look, and said they wanted to run some tests, "just to make sure nothing was seriously wrong."
There was something seriously wrong.
We could build a rocket, fly to the moon
Leave Tuesday morning, be back for noon
And there wasn't nothing, nothing that we couldn't do
Once when I was little, once when I was little
When Kurt's parents found out his mom started to cry, his dad didn't say anything, he just stared at the doctors. Kurt didn't really understand what was going on, he knew that cancer was bad, but only old people got it, so he wasn't really worried. But his parents were upset, and that was kind of scary.
They took him home, but when he tried to change in his swimsuit so he could go swimming they stopped him. And when he wanted to play outside with his friends they said no. Instead they sat him down in front of the television and put in a movie. His favorite, Sleeping Beauty. Then they went into the kitchen to talk.
Kurt loved Sleeping Beauty. She was the prettiest princess, and when you got injured a kiss made her better. That was how he knew the story was real, because everyone knew a kiss made any owie go away.
In the kitchen Burt and Katherine Hummel were talking about serious things, like cancer, and treatment, and what they were going to do.
Burt felt lost, his son was only five, this couldn't be happening to him. But the doctor said something about a high white blood cell count. The doctors said they wanted to be sure so they were going to do a bone marrow biopsy, but they felt comfortable saying it was leukemia. Burt scoffed, Comfortable. How comfortable do they think my son is going to be with leukemia? He looked at his wife, How comfortable do they think we are going to be with leukemia?
Burt reached for Katherine's hand, she looked at him with tears streaming down her face just like they had been since the doctors gave the diagnosis, "He's going to be fine," Burt told her squeezing her hand, "He's going to get treatment, and he's going to get better, and then this will all seem like a bad dream." His wife tried to smile, but she glanced into the living room where their five year-old son was watching Sleeping Beauty and the smile never made it fully onto her face.
"He's only five," she whispered, "this is too much for him…"
"Kurt is strong," Burt told her, but her eyes remained planted on Kurt, "Listen to me," he said, turning her face back to him, "Kurt is strong. He's going to fight this, and he's going to beat it."
Kurt cried when they put him on the cold table. He didn't understand why he couldn't wear his own clothes, this dress was uncomfortable and itchy. Then he didn't care anymore, because they were sticking something that hurt in the base of his back and it hurt. Tears streamed down his face as he looked at his dad who held his hand, watching stone-faced as they did a biopsy that would determine the fate of his son.
It was certain. The bone marrow biopsy had revealed the leukemia cells in Kurt's blood stream. According to the doctor they had been lucky enough to catch the cancer early on and that they would start him on Chemotherapy right away in hopes of eliminating the radiation.
It was kind of strange being in the hospital for so long to Kurt. He was there much longer than he was at a sleep over, but his parents weren't always there. But there were a lot of other kids with him, some were older, and that was kind of cool. And he got to wear his own pajamas, and not the ugly, itchy dress. But most of the time he was scared.
Kurt was scared because the people in ugly white coats would come in and put a needle in him, and then pump something in him and it would go on and on for hours. And then when they were done the scary people in white coats would whisper for a couple of minutes and then leave. There was a tube in him that he wasn't suppose to touch that they left there, even when they were done for the day. Sometimes Kurt couldn't resist touching the tube. They always cleaned it when they were done and taped it closed. Kurt thinks the name of the tube starts with a "c," but he was sure it had a funny name.
Sometimes his mom was with him when the doctors put the needle in his tube, sometimes it was his dad. But more often it was his mom, because his dad had to work at the garage and they were going to build another garage so he had to be there, even if he really wanted to be with Kurt. His dad usually spent the night with him though, cause sometimes that was the only time he got to see him all day.
Yeah, I could dream more then
I could believe more then
That the world could only get better
After a week Kurt got to go home, and he was really excited and told one of his new friends, Tony, who was thirteen and had been being treated for a year already. Tony smiled at him and told him he would have to come back, and Kurt wasn't excited anymore because why should he leave if he had to come back again? When he told Tony that Tony laughed and said it wasn't actually that bad, and being home was fun.
Being home was more fun than being at the hospital because he got to see his dad and mom more, and there was more to do, but he didn't get to see Tony all the time like he used to. Kurt kind of missed Tony, now that he was out of the hospital and back at home. Tony used to sit with Kurt while he was throwing up after the treatment and his mom and dad weren't there. And when he was bored he could always go to Tony's room and keep him company unless Tony was getting treatment. But he still enjoyed being home.
A week after he got back his mom was brushing his hair when a chunk fell off his head and onto his lap. All his mom could do was stare at it while tears welled up in her eyes again. Kurt tried to cheer her up by pointing out it was only a little bit of hair, and that he was going to grow more. His mom only shook her head and told him it was all going to fall out. Kurt was shocked, that was impossible, he was going to be bald? How could this happen?
When his dad got home his mom told him what happened. His dad just closed his eyes before going upstairs and grabbing a razor. Kurt cried while they shaved his head, and all of his hair littered the ground around him.
And so it went for months. Kurt puked and cried and then came home to recover before beginning all over again. As they continued with the treatments the doctors appeared hopeful, saying it looked like the cancer was receding. And a year and a half after he started treatment the doctors gave him the all clear.
When Kurt found out he bounded excitedly into Tony's room. Tony had been in remission for months, but still had to come in for Consolidation Therapy, which was suppose to make sure the cancer didn't come back.
"Tony! Tony! They said I'm better!"
"That's great buddy! But you still have to come in occasionally to make sure you stay better."
Kurt rolled his eyes but nodded anyway, because he knew Tony was right. "I know, but now I won't have to stay at the hospital for a week, then leave, and then come back!" Tony grinned as Kurt chattered on until his parents came in.
"Hi Tony," Burt said, leaning against the door, "We're here for the hooligan, time to take him home for good this time hopefully."
"I heard," Tony said with a grin, "That's great, I'm really happy for you Kurt. You wanna know the best thing about being done with the treatments?" Kurt nodded enthusiastically, "You get to eat whatever you want, they don't make you regulate your diet at all, so make sure you get a huge hotdog when you get home!"
Kurt smiled wide at that, and before Tony could give his son anymore ideas Burt pulled Kurt out of the room saying, "We'll see you around Tony, it's time to get this kiddo back home."
Tony nodded and smiled as the Hummels left his room.
I could be free more then
I could pretend more then
That this life could only show me good times
Once when I was little
Things got better at the Hummel household after that. Life was looking up. While Kurt was in and out of the hospital Burt had opened three more garages in Ohio and the business was running smoothly. Kurt was healing and his hair was even growing back. His mom smiled more and laughed more and Kurt got to play outside again.
Kurt swam in the pool like he had before he got sick, and while his parents didn't like him to play in the dirt for too long, he still got to. The tube in his chest was gone, and there weren't as many needles. He got to go back to school where he made more friends his age and who didn't know about the cancer. Overall life was going very well.
And then it wasn't. Then it was a lot worse. And it had nothing to do with Kurt or cancer.
Late one night Katherine was driving back from the store where she went to pick up ice cream to celebrate two years cancer free. It was dark and it was raining. She could barely see through the windshield. And suddenly there were headlights coming straight at her. She didn't even have time to scream before everything went dark.
Burt Hummel was watching The Deadliest Catch with Kurt when the phone rang. He answered with a gruff, "Hello?"
An unfamiliar voice was on the other end asking, "Is this the residence of Burt and Katherine Hummel?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"About an hour ago Katherine Hummel was involved in a head on collision with another vehicle. She is currently at Lima Hospital…" The voice continued, but Burt had stopped hearing.
"I'll be right there," He said quickly before hanging up and turning to his son. Kurt was wearing his pajamas already and looking at him in confusion.
"Where are you going daddy?"
"We're going to the hospital son. Your mom was in an accident," Burt told him as he grabbed his and Kurt's coats from the closet and putting a random pair of shoes on Kurt's feet.
"Dad, I can put on my own shoes, and these don't even match my pajamas!"
"Sorry, son, we don't have time for coordination, we need to get to the hospital so we can see your mom. Now put on your coat!" Kurt pouted, but did what he was told. Within five minutes they were out the door and in Burt's truck on the way to the hospital. Burt was quiet the entire way, his body radiating tension keeping Kurt quiet. He didn't really understand what was going on, but this felt like when they told him about the cancer, and that wasn't very good.
When they reached the hospital Burt ran up to the reception desk demanding to know what room his wife was in. The nurse tapped a couple of keys before frowning and saying a doctor would be there to speak with him shortly, and would he mind waiting over in this room for until he arrived.
Kurt had a bad feeling about this.
They waited in the room for about ten minutes before a doctor joined them.
"Mr. Hummel?"
"Yes?"
"I'm afraid we have some bad news, the damage your wife received in the accident was too traumatic, she passed away on the operating table, I'm so sorry."
Burt didn't say anything for a few moments, then he spoke up, "Could you leave us alone for a few minutes, I need to talk to my son." The doctor nodded and left. Burt faced Kurt, who looked smaller than usual as he stared back. Burt took a deep breath.
"Son, do you understand what the doctor meant?" Kurt frowned for a moment before nodding.
"It means she died and can't come back, right?"
Burt nodded as he held back his tears, "Yeah, that's right son," And he broke down, pulling Kurt into his arms as he sobbed.
There was a time when I trusted everyone
There was no place that I would not go
Spend all day on the hillside next to the barley mow
Oh, once when I was little, yeah, once when I was little
Kurt stood in a suit next to his dad as he watched his mother's coffin lower into the ground. Everyone had already gone, and it was just the two of them standing there.
"I can't believe she's gone," Burt whispered as he stared at the coffin, "I can't believe she's gone."
"I miss her already," Kurt said, reaching for his dad's hand, "What are we going to do?"
"We're going to keep moving forward somehow."
That seems so long ago, Kurt thinks as he sits for his annual check at the oncology department of the Lima Hospital. He had been coming here since he was five, and after being in remission for four years the cancer had come back when he was ten, and after two years of treatment he was in remission again. Now here he was, seventeen and hoping for the news that he was past the five year hump and life would be looking up. He tried not to think of the bruises on his arms and legs, signs of returning cancer, but they could also be attributed to his daily dumpster dives. After all, he had been clear for almost five years, with any luck he still was.
As he waited for the doctor to come back he brushed the imaginary lint off his Marc Jacobs jacket. Even after his mother had died he had continued with his love for fashion and had soon been searching high end designers for the best in fashion. As he was thinking this the door opened and a doctor walked in holding his charts.
"Hello Kurt."
"Hello," Kurt replied, "So, what's the verdict?"
"Well, I'm sorry to have to say this, but it looks like the cancer might be back."
Kurt never had been able to get past that five year hump.
Yeah, I could dream more then
And I believe more then
That the world could only get better
I could be free more then
I could pretend more then
That this life could only show me good times
Once when I was little
"So how did that doctor's appointment go?" Mercedes asked as they walked into Glee together, "It was just a routine check up right?"
Kurt smiled absent-mindedly, "Yeah, something like that."
"Good, now what do you think about this outfit?"
Kurt responded to her question mechanically as he thought about what the doctor told him. Now that he was older they wanted to try a higher level of radiation on top of a chemo treatment with a new drug combination. That would mean another week of puking and spontaneous bleeding. He ran his hand through his hair frowning. He might as well shave it now, every other time he had chemo it ended up falling out.
He glanced around the room at his friends before his eyes locked on Finn, Crap. None of his friends knew about his first bouts with leukemia, and Finn would know pretty soon. And this is the downside to scheming to hook your parents up, you get a step-brother with a loud mouth.
Kurt winced, thinking about how quickly the news would spread once Finn knew. Well, they were going to suspect something anyways when you come in with a shaved head. And I still haven't told dad yet.
I used to feel so strong
Even when they'd tell me, tell me I was wrong
That I can't live in a magic world
'Cause it's time for me to grow up
And I've got to live like the rest of them
Well, I know things have been lost
He had put it off, wanting to have a night where it was just them before he told Burt. And tonight was the night, Carol was off at a reunion with a couple of friends and Finn was going to spend the night at Puck's house. It was the perfect opportunity to tell him that he once again hadn't gotten the okay from the doctors.
That night as they watched The Deadliest Catch Kurt watched his dad out of the corner of his eye. When the show reached a commercial he turned to face him fully.
"Dad?"
"Yeah Kurt?"
"You know how my doctor appointment was yesterday?"
"Yeah?"
"Well they ran the tests right away…"
"And?" Burt asked as he moved to face Kurt giving him his full attention.
"I'm suppose to begin treatment next Monday."
Burt sighed, "God, Kurt, I thought we had it beat for sure this time."
"I did too dad, I did too," Kurt said, shrugging, "So…"
Burt got up from his seat and walked upstairs, coming down with a razor, "You know we don't have to do this right now. We can wait to see if the chemo even makes your hair fall out."
"Dad, it's done it every time so far. It's going to happen this time."
Burt nodded and placed the razor at the base of Kurt's skull.
Oh, I could pretend more then
And I could believe more then
That the world, it would only get better
Oh, I could believe more then, yes I could
And I could pretend more then
That this life, it could only show me good times
Once when I was little
No one noticed Kurt's missing hair when he walked into school the next day. Of course that might have been because of the hat he wore which encompassed his entire head and would have covered any hair he could have had. And that worked, until Glee Club.
"Alright, so today we're going to be trying on the costumes for Sectionals," Mr. Schuester announced, then he looked at Kurt, "And that includes the hats, so Kurt you'll have to take that hat off."
Kurt winced as he grabbed the hat that went with his costume. He put his hand on top of his head, and before he took off his hat he checked to make sure no one was looking. Seeing everyone else was otherwise occupied he quickly exchanged hats. But not quickly enough.
"Oh my God. Kurt, what happened to your hair!" Rachel screeched from across the room, "While you are allowed to try new things you simply did not have the okay to go that far! We need everyone looking their best for Sectionals!"
Everyone else was silent until Mercedes spoke up.
"White boy…did you shave your head?"
Kurt shrugged. "Maybe?" In a motion too fast for Kurt to stop Puck grabbed Kurt's hat and the room stared at his shaved head, "Okay, yes."
"Why?" Tina asked, looking at him wide eyes, "You love your hair."
"Yeah, I know. Which is why I shaved it."
"Okay, so I may not be the smartest guy in the room," Puck said from next to Kurt, "But even I know that doesn't make sense. You don't shave something you like."
"You shaved your Mohawk," Kurt quickly pointed out.
"Yeah, but not by choice, and it's coming back. What you did," Puck stated, gesturing to the lack of hair on Kurt's skull, "That's going to take a while to come back."
"Six months," the words flew out of Kurt's mouth before he could stop them.
"What?"
Kurt closed his eyes, "After treatment it takes six months for my hair to grow back."
"What treatment?" This time it was Artie who spoke up.
"Chemotherapy and radiation for now, there might be a surgery later if I need it."
The room was silent as they connected the dots, and surprisingly it was Brittany who spoke up, "Do you have cancer?"
"Yeah. I do."
So here comes the next one, next in line
Stay as young you can, for the longest time
'Cause those days flew by
Like a breeze just passing through
Once when I was little
So what do you think? Should I continue, cause I'm thinking of making it longer, without the song of course. And don't forget to Review.
~Scarlet Letters.