THE DIARY OF A PSYCHOTIC ASSHOLE: TOM FLETCHER

MONDAY

Good Lord. Today I awoke to the view of Harry's naked ass. His ass was an inch away from my nose and I thought that I had fallen asleep in a jungle. "What the fuck is your problem you infected ball bag?" He laughs at me and says, "Time to get up. Strip clubs has free hot wings before one." All this just for hot wings? He backs his ass up a little closer and I snap. "Fine! I'm getting up. Just get your nasty asshole hair out of my face!" He pulls up his pants. "See you in the car."

....

Boy, am I glad that I went to the strip club with Harry, As soon as I walked in the door, I think 'I am going to get down tonight!' The broads in this club are hot and I have a strategy ready for deployment. I grab a beer and hang on the bar like a used rubber on some whore's floor. Harry is nowhere in sight and I feel relieved. I don't think that I can look at him in the way that I did before now that I have seen his ass and his hairy ball sac. He should really weed whack that shit before some unsuspecting whore gets strangled by it.

I'm getting shitfaced and these hoes are looking even better. I find myself a little hottie over by the bathrooms and invite her back to my place. We stumble in and break that piece of shit vase that Dougie loves. Not wanting to go all the way up the stairs to my bedroom, we start on the pinball machine and make our way to the living room couch.

Just as she grants me access, I hear the fridge door slam. I look up to see Dougie standing there in his leopard skin thong and slippers. He looks at me and drops the carton of milk. He twitches for a moment and then backs up. "Oh wow. That isn't the milk that I want to dip my cookie in." She moans and yells at me to focus. Dougie, apparently afraid of what he could see next is nowhere in sight. Now I can get back to-WHOA. Am I getting sober here? This bitch isn't as hot as I thought she was an hour ago...oof! She has more chest hair than I do.

My crotch is staring to burn and my eyes are starting to water. Thankfully she is satisfied and she pushes me off of her. I land on the floor and crawl under the pool table. I feel like my dick is going to fall off. Just as I stand up, she looks over at me. "I'm going to go. I've got a customer at four." I feel my dick shrivel up and my balls fall to the floor. She pulls her skirt up and walks out the door.

I run to the bathroom to check on my downstairs when I run into Harry. "I can't believe that you just got it on with Pregnant Patty." "Pregnant Patty?" He nods. "Yeah. Every time that she gets with someone she ends up pregnant." FUCK. The first time that I ever get some beaver is with a dirty slut. Just my luck.

…

I haven't heard a word from Patty so I guess I am off the hook. Thank Christ. I can't wipe my ass by myself, let alone raise a child. Danny glances over at what I just wrote. "Who wipes your ass then?" I smack him with my notebook. "Go fuck yourself." He smiles at me. "Already did." I get a mental image of him and his hand and I begin to feel ill. Just what I wanted to pollute my mind; him fucking himself. He is quite and he turns on the TV. I don't say anything and I believe that he has forgotten about our conversation. When there is a break in desperate housewives, he looks at me. I notice the stupid-ass look on his face. "What the hell do you want?" He just loves to aggravate me. "Speaking of fucking…I heard that you uh, finally got some last night." I just want to crawl under the sofa and die. Not caring that I am too shocked and disgusted to answer, Danny continues on rambling.

"I remember my first time…God it was magical!" Wanting to get back at him for bringing up last night's incident, I comment with, "Was your first time with Dougie?" Being the douche fuck that he is, he skims over that. "Nope. Dougie was my second. My first was with your mum." The show is back on and I have lost his attention. My mum! I have smoke billowing out of my asshole now.

"Don't get your scrotum in a knot. Relax! She was really good. You don't have to be embarrassed at all." What an arrogant fuck. How can he talk to me like that? I wouldn't dream of talking about his mum like that! To be honest, I do dream of his mum a lot. Last night I had a dream of her suckin' me off while feeding me apple pie between sessions.

"Your mum likes her men the way that she likes her liquor; under 21 years if age." I punch him in the chest. "What the fuck did you just say?!" Rage is building up inside of me. "It is a fact! It's on her myspace page under general interests. I push him in to the coffee table and get on my laptop.

Pissed off, I punch my mums name into the myspace search engine. Sure enough, her page pops up and I feel like vomiting. I glance at her general interests section. 'Men under 21 just like my liquor.' Danny is at my shoulder a second later. "See?" He asks with a smug tone. Goddamn him.

…

My mum came over for a visit tonight and I couldn't look her in the eye. Danny winked at her and blew her kisses all night long. Then Dougie, pretended to hump her when she bent over to pick up a pen. Why don't have any normal friends? All I want is one afternoon without incident like this. At least Harry wasn't here to make matters worse; he was probably at a circle-jerk convention.

-The ever so lovely, Tom Fletcher