Disclaimer: LotR isn't mine. Everyone should have guessed that by now, the way this story is going.
Aragorn's Birthday Bash
By Hermione3494
"You're growing up fast," said Arathorn, coughing.
"Father," said Aragorn, annoyed, "I'm the king of Gondor. It's pretty strange you're still alive."
Arathorn looked at him. "You said you married an Elf?" Aragorn told him his love story. "Éowyn is much more right for you, my boy." Arathorn turned. "Now, how about those bacon strips? I'm starved."
There was a petrified scream. It was Arwen.
"Listen to that," said Arathorn, "she's happy!"
Aragorn ran off. Legolas was there too. Arathorn was confused, because Legolas was in what looked like a bathrobe. Legolas insisted he wasn't planning on bathing himself, and only said one thing: "That's right, Aragorn!" Even Aragorn was getting tired of it.
Aragorn came back.
"Oh, it was nothing," he said, talking about Arwen.
"That's right, Aragorn!"
Aragorn was annoyed. "Will you stop that?!"
There was a pause. Legolas didn't say anything.
For some reason Elrond was there, although neither Aragorn nor Arathorn knew why anyone would by crazy enough to invite him.
Aragorn walked outside to the White Tree. Legolas, Arathorn, and Elrond followed him. More guests that were there also followed. Gandalf the White, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and … Celeborn?!
Aragorn turned to the party. "Why are you stalking me?!"
Celeborn got bored and wandered off. They were all in a straight line, so Aragorn could really only see Arathorn, who was in front. Arathorn gave him a random thumbs-up.
"Father, you need help."
Legolas popped his head out from the line. "That's right, Aragorn!"
Sam was crying. Aragorn didn't bother to ask why. If he did, he would be attack by Sam. Aragorn didn't like being attacked by Sam very much.
Suddenly, a huge hawk flew overhead. Gandalf pointed up at the hawk. "Bird," he said knowingly.
Elrond looked at Sam. "What is the matter, Samwise?" Everyone took a step back—except Gandalf (he was too interesting by the fact that a bird can fly).
"AHHHHHHH!!!!" Sam yelled. He pounced on Elrond.
"Mr. Anderson!" Elrond cried.
Arathorn smiled. "It's a nice day to celebrate your birthday, isn't it, Aragorn?"
Aragorn looked from his smiling father, to the fighting behind him, to Gandalf and the bird, to Legolas's dull expression.
Legolas pulled out his bow, and shot the hawk. "Now we have meat!" he said.
"YOU KILLED BIRD!" cried Gandalf, and zapped Legolas.
Legolas turned a dark shade of burnt brown. Smoke was rising from his head. He was tilted to one said, and his left leg was up. He had that bored look on his face again.
"ZAPPY!" shouted Gandalf, and he started to play with his staff.
"Happy Birthday, son!" said Arathorn.
Arwen came out, but soon got zapped by Gandalf. Arwen fainted. Everything stopped, even Sam and Elrond. The crowd cheered. They picked up Arwen and dumped her off the tower.
"She wasn't much of an Elf anyway," said Elrond.
Celeborn came over again to see all the hubbub. An extremely large pigeon followed him in. Legolas shot it.
"That's the meat I want!" he said, and turned to Gandalf, smoke still rising from his head. "Sorry about bird."
Celeborn stood up proudly and said, "My nosy wife, Galadriel, has turned into an extremely large pigeon, and said she will meet us here next to the White Tree."
The pigeon Legolas shot managed to speak: "I know what you're all thinking!" it declared, and died.
"Yup," said Arathorn, "that's Galadriel all right."
Legolas did a hopping dance. "Lothlórien Longbow! HA, HA, HA, HA, HA!" and accidentally fell off the tower. While he fell in slow motion, everyone heard strange music (in fact it was the music right after Gandalf fell in Moria in FotR).
Aragorn looked around. "Oh, don't worry," he said, "Legolas lives in the end."
For some reason, Gimli wasn't there.
Elrond said, "It's time for the cake!" There was a silence. "Okay, maybe not," said Elrond.
Celeborn got bored, so he went to go see Faramir and give him a present. Suddenly, Elrond gasped. He quickly said, "I've got to shoot a scene for The Matrix. Don't know when I'll be back!" And he quickly ran off.
Gandalf cleared his throat, held out a sheet of paper, and read calmly, "Ack. I am not supposed to be here."
"NO!" said Peter Jackson, running on to the 'set'. "More feeling! Be serious like, '[Girlish Scream]! I'm not supposed to be here!'"
Peter looked at them all. They were staring at him. They all stepped forward....
Peter met the same end as Arwen.
All that was left was Gandalf, Aragorn, and Arathorn. No, just Aragorn and Gandalf. Arathorn gave a hacking cough and dropped dead.
Oh yeah! And there are the hobbits. Ahem, hobbit. Pippin was drunk and ran off...without his pants. He had put his pants on Merry's head, and now Merry couldn't see where he was going. The pants turned out to be blessed with the power of the Lothlórien Elves. They transported him and Pippin's pants (a.k.a Blessed Pants of Lothlórien) to the Shire. Gandalf chased after Pippin. "Nakee!" he shouted.
Celeborn came back, yawning, and looked around, noticing that Sam was still left. But Sam's eyes were bloodshot, and he was shivering uncontrollably. He stopped, and dropped to the floor. He was motionless.
Celeborn decided he didn't want to be part of this party anymore, so he strode off. Aragorn...smiled?!
"Well," he said, "mission accomplished." He took out a list, and crossed out these names on it: Gandalf, Elrond, Sam, Pippin, Merry, Peter, and Arwen (Legolas wasn't supposed to fall off the tower, and he was still alive anyway, enjoying his meat down on the ground).
Aragorn skipped back to his house and sand, "Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me..."