I lost my pet ferret a little over a year ago. It tore me up. I had my best friend who could sympathize with me and who listened to me cry about it, but I bottled up my feelings because I didn't want anyone to know how much it affected me. I keep telling myself that it was for the best best, he was sick and he was in pain, and now he's in a better place, but thinking about him still makes me sad and I wish things hadn't turned out the way they did.
I love him, I miss him.
This is dedicated to Pickles.
Yosuke finds him in a little alley between two dark houses. He's curled up into the fetal position, arms held tight around his knees and face tucked close to his chest. He sniffles a bit when he notices Yosuke, rubs at his nose and attempts a weak wave, but just ends up looking even more miserable.
"Hey," Yosuke says as he approaches, softly and slowly like one would to an injured animal. He almost asks, are you okay, but stops himself before he can. Of course he's not, that would be a stupid thing to say and just make things worse. Stupid, stupid, dumb, stupid.
He crouches down next to Souji in the cold little alley, rubs his hands together a bit for warmth, then rocks back on his heels and slides into a sitting position. He reaches out his hand, hesitates because Souji almost flinches away, then says fuck it and wraps his arm around Souji's shoulders anyways.
"Hey," he says again, in a quiet, soothing tone that he hasn't used since Nanako - "hey, it's okay."
Souji shakes his head mutely, but leans over and rests his head against Yosuke's shoulder, and Yosuke takes that as a good sign. He sniffles again and Yosuke starts rubbing circles into his back. It doesn't take a long until Souji is crying again; abrupt little gasping sobs, and Yosuke can tell that he's holding back, that he doesn't want to be seen as weak, that he's trying to be strong, but it just makes Yosuke's heart hurt.
"Just let it all out," he uges softly, "it's okay. Really." Souji turns his head into Yosuke's shoulder and starts crying in earnest, now, and his hands knot on his knees, clenching and unclenching in the half-light. Yosuke does his best to comfort him, but he's afraid he's not much help.
"I named him Snickers," Souji gulps after a long while of silence. "He was always alone and, and I felt bad for him because no one should have to be alone, right?" He stares at the wall opposite them, eyes puffy and still streaming tears, nose red and dripping a bit of snot that he quickly wipes away. "He was always so nice, and friendly, and..."
Yosuke shushes him gently as he dissolves into tears again, murmuring comforting things to him that he's not sure reaches his ears. "I understand," he says, because he does, and his grip around Souji's shoulders tightens just a bit. "But you gave him a friend, right?"
Souji nods, just a slight movement of the chin, but it's enough of a confirmation for Yosuke to continue. "See, then he was happy, right? Because he had a friend. He had you."
Souji smiles at that, a tiny, watery smile that is melancholy and a little reminiscent. "Yeah," he says, and his smile makes Yosuke smile a little bit too.
"So he was happy, wasn't he?" Yosuke asks, "he was a happy cat?"
"I guess," Souji says, but then the smile drops from his face. "He didn't have a home."
"But you gave him one, didn't you?" Yosuke urges, "you fed him and gave him water and played with him." Souji smiles again. "So he might as well have had a home, am I right?"
"I brushed the knots out of his fur," Souji says, nodding. "I let him stay in the house for those few days during that blizzard. Uncle Dojima was really angry," he almost laughs, but it comes out as a sad hiccup. "And I tried to make sure none of the bigger cats bullied him. I loved him." He sighs, and a few more tears leak from his eyes.
Yosuke wonders if all children feel this way when their pets die.
"But you're not alone," he says, "you have your uncle, and Nanako, and all your friends...and me," this last bit is shyly put forth, and he can't help darting his gaze towards Souji. "We're all with you and we care about you. We won't let you go through this alone."
Souji pulls back and stares at him, the first time he's looked Yosuke in the eye since stumbling blindly away from the group not even an hour ago, and it's so open and vulnerable that Yosuke is finding the urge to pull him to his chest almost overwhelming. Then, too soon, not soon enough, he averts his gaze and rests his head back on Yosuke's shoulder.
They bury Snickers in Dojima's back yard the next day. The ground was a bit difficult to dig up, the temperature being below freezing and all, but Yosuke figures that if it's for Souji, it's worth doing.
"He was a good cat," Souji says when the box is lying in the little hole. "I miss him a lot." And because Yosuke can notice the tiniest quiver of Souji's lips, he tugs at Souji's hand until his arms are wrapped gently around his back and Souji is crying into his shoulder.
"I'm here," Yosuke says into Souji's hair, just holding him.
"I know," Souji says back, a little quiet and a little broken, and his fingers twist into the fabric of Yosuke's jacket as if they never want to let go. "Thank you."