Author's Note: Usually, songfics annoy me because they tend to use the same sappy love songs. However, I love this song but never thought of it as fanfic material until one day when I thought about it in a different way and then bam! a new story was born. So, I know that this is not the way the song was intended to be taken but try it. Ok, so I'm not a med student or anything, nor am I a mother, so if something is wrong concerning that area, I am sorry but I did the best I could! :) Feel free to review- good, bad, or ugly- I'll take anything!
P.S. Sorry about the grammar mistakes, that was never my strong point!
Summary: Based on Maroon 5's "Won't Go Home Without You" but with a twist! Not what you normally think when you hear this song. Luke's POV. Post-series.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Gilmore Girls because if I did, season 6 and 7 would have been extremely different. I also do not own Maroon 5 or their amazing song but I do own this wonderful fanfic! ;)
I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say
Oh
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away
We were home when it happened. Lorelai was lounging on the couch with Paul Anka while I was in the kitchen making dinner. When she first said it, I thought it was a joke, her own way of telling me that I was taking to long preparing the food. Besides, it was too early for it to be happening. She still had two more weeks. But the next time she said it, with that plea of urgency in her voice, I knew she was not kidding. By the time I got to her, I could see the evidence on the floor. Her water had indeed broken.
The drive to the hospital was unreal to me. It seemed like hours to get there and at the same time, I was surprised how quickly I was pulling up to the entrance. Usually when I start screaming at people, they are intimidated by me but the nurses seemed unfazed by my franticness; they must be used to crazy husbands and fathers-to-be. While Lorelai was being wheeled away from me, I was stuck with paperwork that, according to one surly nurse, needed to be filled out at that moment. Didn't they realize that my wife was about to give birth to my daughter? Didn't they realize that I had to be next to Lorelai the whole time? That I was deprived of being there for Rory and April during the early stages of their lives and that I was determined to be there every second for this little miracle?
Well, apparently, like all the other women in my life, this little one had a mind of her own already and decided to wait a few hours before actually being born. After hours of waiting with Lorelai, running interference with the hospital staff, and making various phone calls to loved ones, it was finally time for the big moment. I can still feel Lorelai's hand squeezing my own, a flow of expletives coming from her mouth, and then my ears heard something new- the sound of a baby, MY baby, being born. Immediately after the doctor delivered her, he showed us our new baby girl and I think my heart stopped for a second. Everything about her was amazing. As the nurses started to clean her up, I turned to Lorelai and told her exactly what I was feeling, despite the busyness around us. I told her how much I love her and how much I love our daughter and how beautiful the two of them are and how proud I am of her. In that moment, I put Lorelai's babbling capabilities to shame.
However, my moment was crushed when instead of a baby's crying, all I could hear was the hush whispers of a doctor and his fellow nurses. Just by the look on their faces, I knew something was wrong. Before I could question the situation, the doctor was already launching into an explanation.
He explained that our little girl had TTN or better known as "wet lungs". It meant that our baby had extra fluid in her lungs, which resulted in her breathing faster and harder. She would have to be admitted to the neonatal intensive care unit for monitoring. If her breathing slowed, then within 72 hours she would be released from the unit. If not, than more serious steps would need to be taken. My ecstasy was taken away to be replaced with fear.
As the doctor finished his explanation, I saw a nurse scoop up my baby and walk out of the room in order to take care of her. I tried to stop her, to get her to stay for even a second, but the nurse would not listen. As one nurse held me back, the other took my girl away before I got a chance to say the things I needed to say. I needed to tell her that I love her and that her parents were here for her. I needed to tell her that she would be okay, that she was a mix of Gilmore and Danes and that meant she had to be strong enough to fight this. I had to tell her but I was too late as the nurse took her away.
Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?"
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that
Now, here I stand with my right arm leaning against the glass that separates me from the new girl in my life. I still stare in disbelief as my little girl lies under a plastic oxygen hood in an attempt to regulate her breathing. I shudder at the IV attached to her arm. Even though I know that is the source of her nutrition, I do not even want to think about the pain she went through when the needle was inserted. Briefly, I see her clench her fists and then relax. Why her? This beautiful little angel was just born hours ago but yet I feel like her life has been nothing but pain and hardship. As she sleeps, I see her tear stained cheeks and wonder what she has been thinking about this whole time. Is she trying to rationalize why she had to be part of that one percent of babies born like this? Is she thinking that the rest of her life is going to be this hard? Is she aware that her parents are here trying to do all that they can? Does she feel how much we love her? I'm sorry life had to start so hard for you baby girl.
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
I can't seem to move my body away from her. Even though it is several hours past midnight and she is asleep, I can not leave my baby's side. I can not take the chance of walking away and not seeing her open her big blue eyes. I need to make sure she sleeps through the night soundly. At any sign of distress, I will be there alerting the nurses. She needs to be able to sleep knowing her father is watching out for her.
Selfishly, I am not standing here only for her sake but because I do not think I can handle being away from her. If I'm not with her, the only thoughts running through my mind will be about her, constantly worrying about if she is okay. I can't go home and pretend that the new light in my world is lying in a hospital room alone and scared. I can not just leave her, it would be like leaving my heart in this room, I would not make it through the night. Lorelai always jokes about how I am Mr. Fix-it; I am determined to find a way to fix this. It is my job to protect my girls. Tonight is not the end of my daughter's life. I won't go home without you baby girl.
The taste of her breath, I'll never get over
The noises that she made kept me awake
Oh
The weight of things that remain unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday
Lorelai needed some alone time with our daughter and I understand that. That being so, I am doomed to walk aimlessly around these hallways, constantly replaying the last few hours of my life. I relive the ecstasy of seeing my daughter being born- I remember everything from the sounds, the sights, even the taste of her soft baby breath as I leaned in to examine the new life I helped create. However, my thoughts turn ugly as I remember what the rest of the day brought. These thoughts of IVs, oxygen masks, crying, screaming, fussing, whimpering, and overall despair are what keep me walking these halls, promising that I will not get sleep anytime soon.
As I come back to my daughter, I see Lorelai with her forehead against the same glass where my arm rested earlier. And just as I saw on our daughter, tears are running down Lorelai's face. I hold her from behind as we continue to watch our daughter struggle to take every breath. Although we are both terrified, we try to keep our thoughts optimistic. We do not talk about what will happen if conditions do not improve. We do not think about any complications that can result from this diagnosis. We had put on a happy face during the day while our family and friends came to visit us in the hospital, informing them that everything will turn out okay. However, when night comes and it is only the two of us, the inevitably happens and those dark thoughts begin to consume us.
Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that
Back in our private hospital room, I hold Lorelai in my arms as she cries, letting out all the grief, fear, and anger she has built up throughout the day. She does not understand why our daughter has to go through this pain. Why does her child have to start her life like this? Lorelai had a rough childhood growing up in a repressive, opulent home and an even harder teenage life as she struggled to be a single mom living on her own. She had to fight her way into the business world, working from the bottom, starting school again, and finally achieving her dream of opening her own inn. She had to handle a dead beat dad and had to fight with criticizing parents, all while trying to give everything she possibly could to her daughter. Her life was shaken up again after we broke up. Lorelai and I had to fight hard to finally find our place together. Now she was hit with this new challenge. Why did things always have to be so hard for her? Didn't she deserve to have this miracle without having to fear about it being taken away from her? I rock Lorelai softly in the hospital bed, praying that the Sandman will give her a few hours of peace.
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
My heart is broken tonight as I fight to decide which girl needs me more at this moment. I am drawn to my daughter who is still struggling to breathe on her own but Lorelai also needs my strength. She finally collapsed in my arms from exhaustion and I hesitate to move, fearful that any actions will awaken her and bring her back to this harsh reality. For the moment, I opt to stay where I am, softly brushing Lorelai's hair with my fingers, an action that soothes both her and me. Earlier, Lorelai tried to persuade me into going home. She wanted me to try to get some sleep in our bed and to eat a decent meal. She tried to make jokes about Paul Anka desperately needing to go for a walk but I knew that she was just trying to make sure I would be okay. She tried to make me realize that there was nothing else I could do for either one of them. As much as I appreciate her concern, she has to realize that I cannot just leave this hospital while they are bound to this place. Even if I just help Lorelai fall asleep, I need to feel like I helped someone in someway. I would not survive the night at home, in our bed by myself, knowing that Lorelai is still in a hospital bed, worrying about our little girl. I can not just leave her here to fight these dark thoughts alone; I won't go home without her.
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
My eyes are heavy from the lack of sleep. My feet keep shuffling me forward until I reach a new destination in this maze of corridors. In front of me I see the other half of my family, who seem to share my sentiment about not leaving this hospital. Rory and April have their shoulders leaning against each other, head resting against head, sleeping in the most uncomfortable position imaginable. On the table in front of them I see stacks of school books, newspapers, candy wrappers, empty coffee cups, and other miscellaneous items that I am sure are not really needed but seem to have brought some comfort to them. They both came rushing to the hospital when I called them about Lorelai's water breaking. They were there in that waiting room when we told them they had a new sister; they were there when we told them that there was a problem with the baby's breathing; and they have been here ever since, consoling Lorelai and watching over their new sibling- they have even tried to get me to rest. They are trying to help in any way, by making phone calls and going on food runs. I did not think my love for these two girls could grow any more but somehow it has. They amaze me with their strength and their rationality in this tense situation.
Now, as I see them knocked out from their activities and the stress, I know it is my turn to take care of them. I find a nurse and after a few minutes of desperate pleading, I get her to find me two cots that I can roll into the waiting area. First one and then the other, I slowly pick up each one the girls and lay them on their respective beds. Just as if they were little girls again, they whisper my name when I slightly jostle them and they both instinctively wrap their arms around my neck. They gather enough strength to ask about the baby and Lorelai. I quietly whisper, in hopes of keeping them in that foggy dreamland, that both Lorelai and the baby are fighting hard. April and Rory both seem content with this answer and both quickly fall back to sleep.
I find myself thinking back to earlier in the night when I was trying to convince the girls to go home. I tried to explain that they need to rest at the house and that I would take care of everything here in the hospital. I was quickly hit with the memory of Lorelai telling me the same thing. I almost started laughing when April and Rory gave me the same explanation I had given Lorelai; both girls said that they could not just go home and leave us in this hospital by ourselves. They explained that they were not going home until we all went together as a family. I am sometimes amazed at how grown up Rory and April are and at the same time, I will always think of them as the little girls that I first remember meeting. I wish that I could have played a bigger part in the way that they grew up but every once in a while, they surprise me by acting just like me.
Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh
After making sure all three of my girls were asleep, I find myself back to my new baby girl. I am delighted to see that your big eyes are open and they seem to lock on with mine quickly. I'd like to say that you are breathing better but that could just be my mind playing tricks on me. A tear slides out from the corner of my eye and makes its way down my cheek; I think this is a tear of both sadness and joy, but mostly it is one of hope.
There is so much I have to tell you baby girl. Between your mother and myself, there is a lot we want to teach you- about love, about friendship, about family, about everything. See baby, your daddy had some hard times growing up and I never really learned to express my feelings due to these events. I lost my mom at a very early age. When I was a teenager, my sister was running wild, the hardware store was failing, the then love of my life was leaving me for another adventure, and my father was dying. I learned at a young age to keep my emotions bottled up inside- I was afraid of letting them show. Even when a strong emotion, like love, entered my life, I did not express it. It took me years to finally ask your mommy out. Only with her was I honest with my feelings. However, we ran into some problems and broke up; your daddy had gone back to hiding his feelings. Fortunately, due to the help of both your sisters and your mommy, your old man finally learned to open up and show the people I love how much they really mean to me.
This is why I am hurting so much baby girl. I want to be able to shower you with all the love you deserve but I was stupid and I let you go. I let those nurses take you away before I was able to hold you, hug you, and kiss you. I should have never let you go. I lost my first chance to show you how much I love you. Please get better my baby so I can show you.
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
It has been 72 hours since you were born. I have lived that whole time here on the third floor of this hospital. I have paced, I have yelled, I have cried, and I have done all I can to help you and the rest of our family. And finally my hope has turned into reality- the five of us are going home together.