Stopped Pain
By: Dark Hearted Shinobi
Disclaimer: Don't own Saiyuki
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He raises the blade above his chest. The cold steel glints in the low lights of the room he is kneeling in. The only light is from the three candles sitting on the simple table in the middle of the room. He notices his hands are shaking and he laughs, coldly, softly. To think his body is scared of what his mind has already decided. A swift down plunge and it will all be over, the pain, the memories, the dull ache that persists, even after these three long years. He shuts his eyes, plunging downward with the blade, but finds his wrists suddenly caught in a vice-like grip. Forest green eyes open to a sea of blood, and he tilts his head back. Gojyo is leaning over him, bloody red hair hanging in his face, eyes of the same color narrowed in a glare, face pale.
"Damnit Hakkai! What the fuck do you think you're doing?" Gojyo growls, his growl more dangerous than a yell.
Hakkai hangs his head, his dark brown bangs hiding his eyes. He pulls free of Gojyo's grip, lowering the blade to the floor. "I am sorry. . ."
Gojyo sinks to the floor beside him, gently pulling the blade from his lover's hands. "Hakkai. . .. why?"
"Because the pain is too great."
Gojyo blinks slightly at the honest answer. Hakkai is not the type to tell you what he honestly thought. He hides it behind laughs and smiles, almost always fake. "'Kai, don't do it."
"Gojyo, the desire to plunge that blade into my flesh is overtaking my mind. I know the feeling of steel in my flesh, and it does not scare me." Hakkai sighs softly. "And besides, I will be able to see Kannan again."
Gojyo sighs, his shoulders dropping, the fight draining out of him. He stands, picking up the knife, walking to the kitchen, where he places a kettle on the stove. Hakkai leans back, resting his weight on his arms, braced on the floor behind him. Gojyo returns after several minutes, holding two steaming mugs. "Here."
Hakkai looks down at the brown liquid inside. "Instant coffee?"
Gojyo shrugs. "We're out of beans again."
Hakkai smiles briefly at his friend and roommate. "It's fine."
They sit in silence for several minutes, each drinking his coffee. Then, finally, Hakkai breaks the silence.
"Gojyo, why are you so opposed to me committing suicide?"
Gojyo sighs heavily, leaning against the wall behind him. He looks up at the ceiling, not meeting Hakkai's eyes. "I've never told anyone this, so don't you go repeating this."
"All right."
"When I was three, I watched my parents, my youkai father and human mother, commit suicide together. I was stuck there for probably a day, until someone came over and found me. I swore that I'd never see someone I love kill themselves again."
Hakkai looks up, from his cup to Gojyo. "Gojyo. . ."
"Don't offer me fake sympathy, 'Kai. It'll just make me feel worse, just make me want to die even more."
Laughter suddenly permeates the air, making Gojyo stare at Hakkai, who is laughing, covering his mouth with his hand, trying to hide it. "I'm sorry, Gojyo, but I just suddenly found it funny that we both want to die, but neither of us is going to kill ourselves."
Gojyo smiles, laughter bubbling out from behind his own lips as Hakkai, still laughing, makes his way to his side. Gojyo flings an arm around Hakkai's shoulders, holding him. Their laughter sobers and he sighs, leaning his head back again. "Well, 'Kai, we're two of a kind. . ."
". . . but we'll stay alive." Hakkai finishes.
Gojyo smiles, leaning over, gently kissing Hakkai's lips. Hakkai replies, wrapping his arms around Gojyo's neck, deepening the kiss. Gojyo's tongue slides over Hakkai's lips and the green-eyed man parts his lips, allowing Gojyo's tongue inside his mouth. Gojyo slides his tongue into Hakkai's mouth, tasting the man, who tastes of coffee, tinted with mint. Hakkai returns the kiss, sliding his tongue against Gojyo's, who tastes like coffee and chocolate. When they finally break for air, Gojyo pulls back slightly, smiling at Hakkai. "I'll stay alive as long as you do."
Hakkai laughs, holding up a hand. "With my short lifeline, that won't be too much of a problem for you."
Gojyo stands, shaking his head. "Just promise me you won't kill yourself. You should know what it's like seeing your lover kill themself."
Hakkai sobers, nodding, remembering Kannan. He has now lost any desire for suicide, not wanting Gojyo to ever have to see what he saw. "I promise."
"Good." Gojyo smiles, grabbing Hakkai's hand, pulling him toward the back of the small house they share, towards his room. Hakkai smiles, going willing with his lover, the warmth of being loved once again spreading through him, washing the hatred of himself away, at least for the moment.
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Well. . . what did ya'll think? That's my first official 58 story. And first official yaoi. I hope ya'll liked it!
And I know, the title sucks. But. . . I couldn't come up with anything else. . . Sorry!