The Bitter Taste of Guilt
A/N: This is a submission for the McBreezy fanfiction contest. I do not own Bree or Arizona unfortunately they are owned by the lucky people at ABC. Thanks for reading!
"Guilt is anger directed at ourselves" – Peter McWilliams
Arizona Robbins sat in the window of the apartment she shared with her fiancée. Looking out over the busy streets of Seattle she found comfort in the fact that she could watch people run errands on the loud street below yet hide behind the peace that lie in her own home. Peaceful moments had come few and far between over the last couple of weeks which caused her to appreciate this little bit of silence in the present…or that's what she would tell herself anyway.
What had once been a beautiful carefree relationship with the occasional bumps had turned so quickly. Her fiancée Callie's longing for a child had thrown them off their perfect spherical axis. Arizona was a pediatric surgeon, she saw children come in and out of the operating room every day. She saw the look in a parent's eyes when their child went beyond the point they couldn't hold their hand any longer and saw the fear when the proverbial wait would begin. That wasn't something she wanted to deal with. She and Callie were surgeons, how much time would they have to devote to a child any way? When Callie got pregnant and the father ended up being Callie's best friend Mark she felt as if everything had fallen apart. Somehow though, she still managed to pick herself up off of the floor. Then two weeks ago the unthinkable happened…Arizona hit a tractor trailer while driving through the mountains and almost killed Callie and their baby. It was one of the worst days of her life but Callie and the baby survived. Why the hell couldn't Arizona just be grateful and move on?
It was the guilt.
She tried her best to keep smiling and usually did even when she didn't feel like she could anymore. The guilt she carried held onto her like a chain tied to cinder block and every day it was getting harder and harder to keep up that happy façade. She had been the one to ask Callie to go to Africa at the beginning of the year even though she didn't want to. She was the one that left Callie behind and she was the one that spent so much time being angry over Callie sleeping with the one man she knew would bring her the strength she needed to get through all of that. Then she almost killed her child and the woman she loved more than anything in the world.
A raindrop hit the window and caused a loud pang to echo through the apartment just as a tear fell down Arizona's porcelain white cheek. "When did I become this person?" she asked herself out loud, glancing at her broken reflection in the window pain. Her thoughts were suddenly broken by the sound of the doorbell. It took her a few seconds and a few more rings before she could even move.
She figured that someone had come to look for her. She had left the hospital earlier that morning and it was nearly 3:00 in the afternoon and she hadn't returned. It was awful for her to even think it, but she just needed some silence. It was easy to pretend that everything was okay when you weren't caught up in the middle of all of the chaos.
She opened the door to find a tall redhead standing in the hallway with a cooler in one hand and a portfolio in the other. Arizona was taken aback by just how beautiful she was. She towered a good three to four inches over Arizona's short and thin frame. Her pale soft skin only contrasted her sparkling eyes and her flaming red hair was just as complimentary to her as the clothes she wore. Arizona quickly looked over in the mirror. Her shallow eyes had only gotten darker over the last few days and she couldn't even remember if she had brushed her hair that morning or not. "Sexy" she thought to herself
"Can I help you?" Arizona asked forcing a smile.
"Yes, I am looking for a…" the woman glanced down at a notebook. Usually anything that involved the pronunciation of her fiancés name called for a second glance. "Calliope Torres."
"She isn't here at the moment. She probably won't be home for another couple of days. Is there something I can help you with?"
The woman looked slightly annoyed. She was a sucker for punctuality and wasting her time wasn't something she liked to do. "Are you Arizona Robbins?"
"Yes" she replied flatly.
"My name is Bree Van De Kamp and your fiancée and I were supposed to finalize the wedding menu today. I would reschedule but I really don't have time so if you don't mind going over it with me once I would really appreciate it."
Arizona wanted to say no. More than anything in the world she didn't want to deal with this right now but she knew it would make Callie happy to have one more thing on the list checked off and something told her Bree wasn't going to leave if she didn't.
"Come on in" Arizona said opening the door and motioning for her to enter.
"I was surprised to get your call. I don't usually do weddings outside of Fairview but when Callie called me it was an offer I couldn't refuse. I am always happy to help a fan of my cookbooks and I have never been to Seattle, I am renting a small kitchen down town, it's almost as nice as the one I have at home" Bree commented as she walked over the kitchen table.
"Will Calliope be joining us at all? I modified the Halibut recipe just as she asked and would love for her to taste it".
"No she won't" Arizona said drearily as she took her seat at the table across from Bree. "She is in the hospital" she said looked back towards the window.
"I heard she was a doctor and so were you. I couldn't imagine spending that much time around sick people".
Arizona looked back at her and watched her unload a few more pieces of Tupperware out of the small cooler before she corrected her.
"No, not at the hospital, in the hospital…we got into a car accident a few weeks ago".
"Oh, Good Heavens is everyone alright?"
"Yes we are all fine, thank you." she said taking the hair tie from around her arm and pulling her hair out of her face.
Bree sat down across from Arizona and looked up just long enough to catch the moisture that gathered at the bottom of her eyes. She figured it was best not to press the issue anymore.
"So Calliope requested that we start the meal with a Roasted Vine Tomato Soup with Young Spinach Leaves and here is some of that to try" Bree said pushing a small plastic bowl towards her. "We can also offer guests who aren't fans of tomato a Smoked Salmon and Chive Roulade in a honey and Lemon dressing which I have here as well" Bree added pushing another container towards Arizona. She picked up the fork from the Roulade and tasted it and did the same with the tomato soup. Bree was slightly startled when Arizona dropped the spoon and got up from the table.
"This isn't right" Arizona said shaking her head. "I don't know how it tastes because I can't taste anything. I don't know what Callie wants, I didn't even know she liked Smoked Salmon" she said throwing her hands in the air in frustration. "It's too much, I can't do this" she said sitting on the couch.
Bree hesitantly got up and walked over to the sofa, she sat down leaving a few feet between she an Arizona, and she never was good with an outbreak of emotion. "Don't be upset, you said they were fine and she would be home in a few days you should be happy".
"I am, I am very happy but none of this would have happened if it weren't for me" she said wiping her eyes. Bree quickly got up from the couch and grabbed a paper towel from the kitchen and returned to Arizona's side sitting closer to her this time. Silence lingered between the two until Bree finally spoke up.
"Can I tell you something?" Bree asked sitting back.
Arizona slowly looked up, though she said nothing, Bree could see it in her eyes that it was okay to go on.
"About 6 years ago, I did something I will regret for the rest of my life. Unlike you it wasn't an accident. I intentionally hurt my child. I thought I was helping him….it turns out I was very wrong". Arizona turned to face Bree, anticipating what lie ahead. "I hardly recognize myself when I think back to who I was. I was conservative to say the least" Bree said looking up forcing a smile. "I wanted to my family to be perfect, and pushed them too hard".
"My son and I had argued for as long as I can remember. If I said the sky was blue he would argue and argue until I admitted it was green. When he told me he was gay my whole world fell apart". Arizona gave Bree a look of surprise and apprehension. "I thought that if I took him out to the middle of nowhere and left him on the side of the highway that it would fix things. He would have to stand up on his own two feet, he would grow up and become a man and would eventually come to realize that he wasn't gay…he was just spoiled".
Bree looked around the apartment before looking back at Arizona. "I pushed my son to homelessness. I pushed him to have to fight to eat, and I pushed away when he needed me the most. Staring at him in my rear view mirror while I drove away cut my heart open".
"Do you all talk now?" Arizona asked wiping her nose with the rough paper towel.
"Yes. He and his husband live across the street from me and I wouldn't know what to do without the both of them. It doesn't change things though. It doesn't change what I did to him and that's a guilt that I will take to my grave".
"How do you deal with it?"
"You take it day by day. It's something you never get rid of but you learn to live around it" Bree said casually. "I made a mistake" she said getting serious again. "But I got him back, just like you got Callie and the baby back. You have to realize you made a mistake but you do the best you can to make up for it. Cherish every dinner, every hug, every kiss, every moment. They are still here…make them realize how much they mean to you. You can't feel sorry for yourself, not when there are people out there who need you at your best".
Bree stopped and looked over to see Arizona staring at her with hope filled eyes. "You can do this Arizona. Give it time".
A smile crossed Arizona's face, "I can do this" she said repeating Bree. Those words would be her new mantra. She hadn't met Bree before and she was sorry for that. She should have involved herself in planning the wedding but food was the least of her worries. However, she was thankful for this moment and thankful for Bree's openness. This didn't fix things, but it was a start.
"When does your plane leave?" Arizona asked standing up.
"Not until seven" Bree replied checking her watch.
"Why don't we fill the cooler back up and take this food up to Callie. I am sure she is going to love the Halibut" Arizona said holding her hand out.
"I think that's a wonderful idea" Bree said placing her hand in Arizona's and getting up from the couch.