("FLCL," its characters and situations are copyright of their respective owners. Story copyright 2011 by George Pollock, Jr. All rights reserved.)
Customer Service
by
George Pollock, Jr.
From:
Legal Department
Piaggio & C. S.p.A.
(d.b.a. Vespa)
Viale Rinaldo Piaggio n. 25
56025 Pontedera (PISA)
Italia
To:
Signorina Raharu (a.k.a. Haruko) Haruhara
c/o Nandaba Bakery
Mabase, Japan
Signorina Haruhara:
Enclosed please find a copy of a restraining order that our legal representatives in Japan have obtained against you through the courts in your country. This order forbids you from any further communication in any form whatsoever with – or ever approaching within 100 meters – any employee, dealer or agent of Piaggio & C. S.p.A., its subsidiaries and affiliates, but especially those of the Vespa motor scooter division.
This action was taken after your disregard of a cease-and-desist order against you that Piaggio & C. S.p.A. obtained in your country. (See photocopy attached.) Failure to comply with the restraining order will subject you to criminal prosecution to the fullest extent of Japanese law.
The restraining order was issued after the court determined that your eight letters to the chief engineer of Piaggio & C. S.p.A.'s Vespa division constituted harassment. The order also forbids you expressly from any further communication in any form whatsoever with that individual. Failure to comply with that portion of the order, or any section whatsoever, will result in the criminal prosecution referenced in the preceding paragraph.
The court cited several instances wherein your letter-writing campaign transgressed the boundary between legitimate business communication and harassment:
1. In Letter 1 (see photocopy attached), you sought advice from the chief engineer of Piaggio & C. S.p.A.'s Vespa division on the best structural alterations to your Vespa 180 Super Sport motor scooter (hereinafter referred to as your "180 SS") to allow for propulsion technology to enable faster-than-light travel. The chief engineer replied (see photocopy attached) that such travel was considered theoretically impossible at this time.
2. You thereupon replied in Letter 2 (see photocopy attached) that the chief engineer was "a million years underevolved" and referred to him as a "primitive monkey." In addition, you failed to acknowledge this department's admonition that (a.) your 180 SS – manufactured between 1964 and 1968 – was long out of warranty and that (b.) Piaggio & C. S.p.A. could not be held legally liable for any modification that you might make to your 180 SS.
3. In Letter 3 (see photocopy attached), you asked the chief engineer whether an artificial singularity (or artificial "black hole") would resolve the faster-than-light issue. He replied (see photocopy attached) that the 180 SS's engine was designed to operate on only a gasoline-oil mixture and that using any other substance as fuel might damage your 180 SS. Included in his letter was this department's warning that Piaggio & C. S.p.A. could not be held legally liable for your failure to use the proper specified fuel in your 180 SS.
4. Despite this, your next letter – Letter 4 (see photocopy attached) – asked the chief engineer for the location of the nearest white-dwarf star, where, you stated, you might obtain the super-dense matter for an artificial singularity. The chief engineer declined to respond.
5. In Letter 5 (see photocopy attached), your inquiries shifted to the possibilities of anti-gravitational modifications to your 180 SS. As was the case with the faster-than light inquiries, this department AGAIN noted (see photocopy attached) that Piaggio & C. S.p.A. could not be held legally liable for any after-purchase modification you might make to your 180 SS. (The department declined to endorse the chief engineer's suggested reply that you drive your 180 SS off a tall cliff and see what gravity does next.)
6. In Letter 6 (see photocopy attached), you stated that a defective component in your 180 SS's engine resembled a "Gundam [giant-combat-robot] action figure" and asked whether the latter would suffice as a replacement part. The chief engineer offered no appropriate technical response beyond rolling his eyes, shaking his head and leaving this department's offices. We thereupon sent you our now-photocopied reply form to you (see attached) that "Piaggio & C. S.p.A. could not be held legally liable for [describe prohibited action here] your use of unapproved replacement parts."
7. In Letter 7 (see photocopy attached), you asked the chief engineer what stresses might be expected on your 180 SS if you struck a typical 12-year-old Japanese boy with it head-on at high speed. Specifically, you inquired about the consequences if such a 12-year-old Japanese boy were drawn into your 180 SS's rear-wheel and engine cover box, spun around therein and "spat out like a watermelon seed," to quote your letter. In our reply (see photocopy attached), we stated that "Piaggio & C. S.p.A. could not be held legally liable for [describe prohibited action here] your failure to obey any and all local traffic laws."
We further stated that this department could never endorse the concept of hit-and-run motor-vehicle operation. At least not with a Piaggio & C. S.p.A. product.
Upon the receipt of Letter 7 referenced above, the chief engineer sought our opinion with screaming, profanity, fist-slamming on our desks and disparagement of our staff members' parentage. He requested that we – and we quote – "damned paper-pushers" get off a particular feature of our lower bodies and do something about – and we paraphrase – that mentally damaged female dog in Japan, in reference to you.
Whereupon, we sought the previously referenced cease-and-desist order against you (see photocopy attached). In our letter to you at that time (see photocopy attached), we made clear to you that any further communication in any form whatsoever with the chief engineer – or any employee, dealer or agent of Piaggio & C. S.p.A., its subsidiaries and affiliates, but especially those of the Vespa motor scooter division – would be considered sufficient legal grounds for our seeking a restraining order against you.
8. Unfortunately, and somewhat predictably and ironically, your Letter 8 (see photocopy attached) – in which you asked simply, "What's a restraining order?" – constituted a violation of the cease-and-desist order. We thereupon began action to obtain the restraining order you have now been served with. (See attached photocopy.)
In summation:
1. As stated earlier, you are to have no further contact with – or ever approach within 100 meters – any employee, dealer or agent of Piaggio & C. S.p.A., its subsidiaries and affiliates, but especially those of the Vespa motor scooter division. Failure to abide by the restraining order will result in criminal prosecution in your country's courts.
2. The chief engineer insisted that we enclose a Gundam action figure with this letter. This is in reference to Item 6 above, in which you noted the resemblance of such a toy of an engine component on your 180 SS. We attempted to dissuade the chief engineer from such a course of action. However, accompanying him in the conference at that time were two rather large gentlemen, who he said were active in a local "family business," further discussion of which, he said, was "not good for [our] health." Failure to accede to his request, he said, would result in the pair's performing an engineering demonstration on our persons of the structural weaknesses of the human body. Such a demonstration, he noted, would commence on our thumbs and fingers and progress to our arms, legs and kneecaps.
Whereupon, we acceded to his request to send the Gundam action figure to you as expeditiously as possible.
However, in conference, we reached a compromise with the chief engineer, in which he acceded to our request to not endorse his recommendation on precisely where you could insert the Gundam action figure. In our non-technical opinion, the suggestion would not have led to restored engine performance for your 180 SS, as you sought. It was our further non-technical opinion that the recommended insertion point would, in fact, have severely impaired your ability to operate your 180 SS safely by making it difficult, if not impossible, for you to sit on the vehicle.
Despite the restraining order, we recognize your penchant and expect your next letter soon. Grazie.
Legal Department
Piaggio & C. S.p.A.
(d.b.a. Vespa)
Viale Rinaldo Piaggio n. 25
56025 Pontedera (PISA)
Italia