This Year, the students at St. Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen were each assigned an essay on their New Year's resolutions, over the holidays…
Artemis' life was going normally after the mind wipe. But, just to make sure, and because there was nothing else to do, Foaly checked up on the Mud Boy's computers every day. Today, he came upon little Arty's homework files, one in particular: New Year Resolutions Essay
Ever curious, Foaly invited Holly to help him invade Artemis' privacy. They weren't unduly surprised to see what he had written.
Artemis Fowl the Second
December 31, 2003
Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen
New Year's Resolutions
Naturally, a respected businessman, and genius such as myself does not have any New Year resolutions. However, if I did have such resolutions I certainly would not be parading them around in an insecure school report that can be easily accessed by my enemies. Furthermore, simply writing this idiotic essay has taken several precious seconds of my busy schedule, something you certainly would not understand. Thank you for wasting my time.
Well that just will not do, said Holly. Yes, it certainly will not, replied Foaly. So they went to work on 'improving' Artemis' paper "for the better".
Artemis Fowl the Second
December 31, 2003
Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen
New Year's Resolutions
In entering the New Year, I have prepared a list of 'resolutions' that must be taken into account as soon as possible.
1. I must learn to stop using people for personal gain.
2. I must learn to stop being an insufferable know-it-all.
3. I must stop calling my pants "trousers". They're pants. Do not deny their true name. Just call them what they are.
4. I must start using that cream on the television commercials for these unsightly zits that have invaded my godly face. Now, what was it called? Oh, yes. Oxyclean
5. I must go solo in my singing career. Singing "I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt" into a hairbrush with only Juliet's old stuffed animals that I…borrowed is just not as satisfying as it used to be. (Frank Sinatra aint got nothing on me!)
6. I must learn how to hit those high notes. My good friend, Simon, at American Idol says my voice is like a choir of angels all on its own, but I just don't know. Well, I'm not trying to be modest or anything but…you know, it's like I have to reach like my own goal, before I like listen to critics, you know?
7. I must get over this embarrassing addiction of fortune cookies. I've kept it a secret for too long…and ::sniffle:: I don't think I can take it anymore! Why, just the other day, I tackled the Chinese Food delivery boy because he forgot those delicious, crunchy, heavenly, goodness—I WANT MY COOKIES!!!!!!!
8. I must release my latest invention before my competitors. My ingenious device will revolutionize toilet cleaning for decades to come.
9. I must, MUST get my hands on tickets to a B2K concert. OH MY GOSH!!!!! J BUD IS SOOOO CUTE!!!THOSE BOYS HAVE GOT THE STUFF!!!!!
10. I must change my name. Something that my mother cannot twist into some sick, embarrassing nickname like…Arty. Uck! Maybe something like…Percival or Tiffany. Or maybe I should just come up with a nickname of my own, a secondary name that most will know me by, like Jennifer Lopez. From now on, I shall now be known as…A-Fo!
Naturally, Foaly sent this report to Artemis' literature professor, who read it out loud to the students, who made copies and posted it on the school newsletter. Artemis attempted to sue.
A/N: Hope u liked it! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
(READ MY OTHER FIC)