I've always been stubborn. Obstinate, immovable, inflexible. It hasn't been long since my last vocabulary test in Mr. Antolini's class. I still remember everything. I was probably the brightest kid in that whole damn school. You know he was the only one to even approach me, right? Mr. Antolini? Laying there on the flagstones, blood all over. I guess I must have ruined Holden's sweater.
The place I'm in now feels weird. Peculiar, uncanny, bizarre. I feel like I'm floating kinda, but not like an angel or something like that. Because the way I'm floating, I can't even open my eyes, you know, to watch over everybody. What they do at Elkton Hills is, they make you say your prayers before every meal, probably even if you were starving. So what I did was, I said my prayers and I bowed my head. In the books I used to read, they talked about this place called Heaven or sometimes the Afterlife, and usually you have to do something right to get in. Well, I sure tried to do it right, but I don't fell like I'm anywhere now.
You know those kids that are so smart that they are basically geniuses? Brilliant, intellectual, brainy. But they basically have no people smarts, and are never aware of anything besides their calculus homework. Well, I never thought that I was one of those guys. I guess I was wrong, because right now the only thing I'm aware of is this one turtleneck sweater that I'm still wearing. It's Holden's sweater, and I can't remember exactly why I have it on. I can't remember a lot of things. I tried a second ago to picture the place I died and how Mr. Antolini picked me up…but now I can't. It's just too damn hard. I don't remember a lot of things. But man, I just know I have to give Holden his sweater back. Kind of like how people in movies and books are always having these sudden epiphanies. I just know.
So then what I decided was, I decided I'd really like to go and find Holden to give him his sweater back. And just like that, I could see again. I couldn't see everything, all I could see was Holden, walking kind of, in a weird sort of way I guess. I was doing that bizarre floating thing right above his head. Hovering, hanging, suspended. I wondered if he could see me. What he would do was, he would walk slowly for a while, hunched over the whole time, then he would all of a sudden speed up. I wanted to look closer, and just like that I was right next to him. I could see he was muttering something to himself, something about someone named Allie. It sounds kind of familiar, but remembering is too hard.
So I just kept sort of floating there for a while, because I didn't really know what to do. Holden kept walking, so I figured I'd just follow him. Pursue, trail, shadow. He sorta sat down for a while, then he started walking again. I thought that maybe I should just give him the damn sweater back, but it just didn't seem like the right time. It was weird, being able to see Holden and nothing else. I tried to guess what the hell was going on around him, and who he was talking to, but soon I got bored.
Then he sat down again, and I could suddenly see what was going on in front of him. There was this carousal going round and round, with this little gold ring that all of the kids kept reaching for. I saw his kid sister, but I couldn't remember her name. Did she even have one? Did it even matter? Then it sorta started to rain. Precipitate, shower, downpour. Well, not really sorta. It came all right, in those big sheets that are impossible to avoid. So what I figured was, I figured that now was as good a time as any to give Holden back his damn sweater. So I took it off and kinda laid it across his shoulders, gentle like so I wouldn't scare him or something.
I don't know what I was expecting him to do, but as soon as the sweater touched his shoulders, he got this big, goofy smile on his face, the kind that's just so happy it almost makes you want to puke. I don't know why he was so happy all of a sudden, but I was too. I felt giddy almost, and suddenly I just started to remember all this stuff. Like how Phoebe was the little girl's name, and how Mr. Antolini even took off his coat to help me. I could see again, I could feel again, and it just made me so happy. I was still floating, but this time I was free to go wherever I wanted, not just to follow.
I still haven't figured out if I'm in Heaven, or the Afterlife, or wherever. But it doesn't matter, really. Just like I wanted, just like those damn angels I told you about, I get to look down on everybody and keep an eye on them. And once in a while, I'll look extra long at Holden, and some of my other school buddies. I want to make sure that I don't start missing everybody.