A/N Not set in real time but based on what happened in the Season 17 finale I will leave a few characters out for obvious reasons. Vague references to child neglect and abuse so please do not read if this is an issue that affects you.
Olivia watched through the two-way mirror in her office as Amanda sat on the floor talking to the small boy whose focus was entirely on the drawing pad in front of him. The representative from DCFS was sitting in a chair to the left watching proceedings. Olivia listened as Amanda went through the standard questions, questions she'd asked many times herself, questions that never got any easier to ask. She heard a shout from behind her in the squad room as Fin and Carisi tried to contain a drunk who was accused of exposing himself to two women out walking in Central Park. She tried to block it out as she heard Amanda's voice, soft and low, "What's that you're drawing Max?"
His small shoulders shrugged. Olivia noted that Noah did something very similar just that same morning when she asked why there was orange juice as well as milk in his cereal? He shrugged, then smiled and then giggled as she tried but failed to reprimand him for ruining his breakfast; but there was no giggle following Max's shoulder shrug.
Amanda was still talking but Olivia's sole focus now was the small figure sitting on the carpet. His legs were crossed at the ankle, his head down, his eyes transfixed on one small space on the page he was colouring. The more questions Amanda asked the harder he leaned on the page with the marker in his hand. His knuckles were white by the time Amanda asked how he'd gotten the bruise on his wrist. Olivia saw the spark in his dark eyes as he looked up and spoke, quiet and deliberate, the sign of much coaching. "I fell and hit it on the step when I was running too fast." Max spoke slowly, as if trying to remember the right words to say.
Amanda sensing the anguish in the little boy's voice, deduced that it was time to stop. They'd been talking for half and hour and it was enough for the time being. She told Max she was going to go and get some cookies and juice for him so he could have a rest but he simply looked back to the drawing pad. The detective nodded to the DCFS rep as she stood and walked from the room.
Olivia saw the look of utter despair as the younger woman closed the door and slumped back against it, sighing heavily.
Olivia began to walk towards her but was stopped in her tracks as Amanda spoke; "Comforting me right now with one of your reassuring pep talks ain't gona cut it Lieutenant. I want to find that bitch and rip her limb from limb"
"So do I", Olivia said.
"Huh, not what I was expecting but thanks"
Olivia walked to her desk and sat down. "He reminded me of Noah when he shrugged his shoulders, it set my mothering instinct off and that's one I've learned is pretty hard to turn off."
"So that's what that ball of rage in my stomach is right now?"
Olivia looked up and saw the sheer anger in the blue eyes looking across her office at the opposite mirrored wall.
"Rollins?"
Amanda took a few seconds to meet her gaze. "This is new for you. This is your first case involving a kid since Jessy came along. It does change things. We'd like to think it doesn't but it does."
Amanda nodded and walked towards the door. She turned just as she opened it.
"Does it get easier?"
"I'm can't answer that. You need to work it out for yourself."
Amanda closed the door and made her way to the break room to get some food for Max. She kicked the vending machine with such force when it didn't dispense the juice carton that she was pretty sure she'd broken either it or her toe; she didn't care either way. Tears threatened as she picked up the carton, which had dropped from it's precarious position hanging by a thread to the metal holder, and into the dispenser after the violent blow. She took some cookies from the staff press and put them in a small bowl. Making her way back to Olivia's office she took a deep breath before she knocked and entered.
"I'll bring them in." Olivia stood to take the cookies and juice from her but Amanda shook her head.
"I'm ok."
"Rollins, I mean this in the kindest way possible, but that kid does not need to see you crying. He's already in the depths of despair and unable to verbalise it. If he sees an adult who is supposedly going to catch the person who did this to him breaking down, his faith in our promise to protect him will be broken."
"Do you really think he trusts anyone anymore?"
"I don't know but I know I want him to trust us."
Amanda nodded and handed the food to her boss. She normally would have put up more of a fight but right now she'd rather do anything than go back into that room.
"Take a seat, I'll be back in a minute."
"I've got paperwork coming out my ears, if it's ok I'll be at my desk?"
"Ok. Listen Noah and I are going to a yoga class tonight" Amanda laughed and then realised Olivia was being serious, "Oh, right… well"
"You and Jessy should join us."
"I'm not sure she's quite able to do the lotus position yet lieutenant."
Olivia chuckled; "It's a mother and tots group. Kids from new-born up to 6 do basic movements to help with their development, flexibility and muscle tone. It was just an idea you don't have to..."
"No that'd be great. Thanks Lieutenant" Amanda wasn't sure why Olivia had even brought it up, it wasn't like they regularly hung out together outside work. But she appreciated that Olivia was reaching out.
They went their separate ways, Olivia bracing herself for a chat with the DCFS rep about a guardian ad litem for Max and Amanda trying to steal herself to face the mountain of paperwork on her desk and put thoughts of the small boy's face to the back of her mind.
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The mid May air was warm but there was a breeze as they walked the 5 blocks to the community centre where the class was held. Noah was happily skipping along holding Olivia's hand. He had peered into the stroller when they'd met Amanda from the subway and pointed in excitedly declaring "Jessy" as the two women beamed at him.
"Seems he remembers our trip to the park" Olivia said, noting that Jessy had grown since then and it had only been six weeks. "She's getting so big, what are you feeding her?"
"She's started on some small amounts of pureed stuff. Doc said I'd see the difference in a few weeks. Definitely have, both in her and the contents of her diapers." Amanda pulled a face that made Noah laugh. "At least someone finds it funny".
"She must have grown out of everything clothes wise?"
"Yeah the kid is totally bankrupting me." Amanda said it lightly but Olivia was fully aware of how much it cost to raise a child and although their salaries differed she knew how much Amanda made and taking that and rent and babysitter's into account she was worried that finances were more of a problem than Amanda was letting on.
"There are bags of clothes in my cupboard belonging to Noah that he grew out of after 3 months, some of them barely worn. The whole new Mom thing caught me unawares and I bought the entire contents of a shop one day. Some of them might be a bit too boyish but I'm sure there's plenty that would fit her."
"Thanks Lieu… you know what I'm gona have to call you by your first name for the rest of the evening unless we want to scare the other Mom's. So thanks Liv, I might just take you up on that."
"The building is just around this next corner." As they reached the door a cop car drove by them sirens blaring, taking the sharp street corner too fast and almost mounting the pavement.
"Someone needs to go back to the academy and get some driving lessons. Fin could have done a better job of that."
Olivia laughed, "Yeah I think so."
They walked into the class, which was being held in a small hall, and a few of the Mom's nodded and smiled to Olivia. Noah waved to his friend, a girl named Julia who he'd become quite fond of.
Amanda took in the cohort of kids and saw that there were a few babies Jessy's age, some kids Noah's age and a few in between. Noah had already found his spot on the floor beside Julia and who Amanda assumed was her Mom.
"I'll get her" Olivia said as she began to unstrap Jessy from her stroller. Lifting the small girl into her arms Olivia gave her a cuddle and removed her jacket to reveal a small denim dress, pink sparkly top and pink tights to match.
"Ok I take back that offer of clothes. If this is what she normally wears everything in that bag is going to be too boyish."
Amanda took the small bundle in her arms and kissed her head.
"Naw, this was a present from her Grandma. I figured it was the perfect thing for her to sit on the floor in. If it becomes irreparably damaged we'll be heartbroken of course, but we'll live." The sarcasm dripping from the words told Olivia it was best to leave the topic be. She recalled the last time they'd encountered Amanda's mother and the stress it had caused her when she was pregnant, she didn't want to bring that up again.
Helen and Kayleigh called the class together to begin. Olivia explained that the new-born to 2 year olds were with Helen and Kayleigh did the class with the 2-6 year olds. It was all in one room however so Amanda took a seat on the opposite side of the room in the smaller group, still able to watch Noah and Olivia. Noah was laughing as Julia blew raspberries at him. Amanda laughed and Jessy felt the vibration, looking at her and smiling.
Helen began to introduce herself and explained the class to those who were new. Thankfully Amanda noticed she wasn't the only one new to the group and she listened intently to the instructions. She smiled another woman directly opposite her in her circle holding a baby about 6 or 8 months older than Jessy. The baby was wearing a white Babygro and was just beginning to wake up from a nap. Mom seemed reluctant to wake the little one but as she set him or her, Amanda couldn't tell, down the sleepy eyes opened and a small whimper indicated baby was ready to take part.
"Ok folks, so for the first exercise I need Mom's to sit the little ones between their legs, lying back against your stomach, legs as straight as they will go and within easy reach for you.
Amanda noticed that Olivia and Noah were now focused on Kayleigh as their class began. She had no idea what she was letting herself in for but she was willing to give it a go. What harm could it do?
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As it turned out the class itself was really enjoyable. Jessy smiled through most of it and even looked like she was concentrating at one stage, which made Amanda laugh out loud, interrupting the tranquillity of the moment and earning her a few dirty looks, particularity from mom of kid in white Babygro. She didn't care, this wasn't the first time she'd been disapproved of and it certainly wouldn't be the last.
At the end of the class Mom of baby in white decided to approach her for a chat. It turned out Spirit was a gift from many God's, hence the name. Amanda pitied the kid trying to get by with that name for the rest of his life but that didn't seem to worry his mother. Mom then observed that Jessy wasn't as alert as Spirit and wondered was she breastfed or was she a bottle baby – she spat the last 3 words out like they tasted dreadful. Amanda had no inclination to answer this woman but Olivia didn't seem to be ready to leave so she made small talk, explaining that Jessy was meeting all her milestones and was, the doctor's said, a very healthy baby. Mom, who Amanda learned was named Mary, then explained that doctors were often wrong and that pharmaceutical companies were the spawn of the devil. Thankfully Noah chose that moment to run towards her and kiss Jessy as she put her into her stroller. It saved Mary getting a very sarcastic reply to her pass remarks on Amanda's parenting. Conspiracy theories she was used to; Munch was never without one. However, questioning her ability to parent was another story altogether and it irritated Amanda no end.
Olivia approached and gave Mary a curt nod. They apparently had history as Mary made a hasty exit with a quick 'goodbye' in Amanda's direction.
"You met the female Munch with a PhD in parenting I see."
"That woman needs to take a couple of those pills from those big pharma's she hates so much and calm the fu… fudge down"
"Nicely done. He already says f-u-c-k", Olivia spelled it out "though so I wouldn't worry to much."
"I wonder where he got that from?"
"I'm blaming Fin and so long as he doesn't find that out we're fine."
Both women laughed as they made their way out into the crisp evening air. The sun was beginning to set and Noah was starting to lag. Olivia picked him up and carried him to keep pace with Amanda. She forgot this woman ran every morning. It showed in the speed she walked at. Jessy was fast asleep and as they approached the entrance to the subway Amanda realised that it had been a long time since she'd enjoyed an evening out like that. Carisi coming around was great, he really helped out. It was just good to be out with another person who understood the perils and emotions and everything else that went with being a mother. As they walked they'd briefly discussed Max but changed topic quickly both realising that having their kids so close made having that discussion too painful. They then discussed Mary and her idiotic take on all things motherhood related. Olivia gave her some examples of other issues she'd raised with her, including the use of a pacifier being akin to breaking the mother/child bond and then berating the fact that Olivia was working such long hours with a child, especially one that wasn't biologically hers as she needed to form a bond. Olivia had initially taken it very hard before she realised Mary was just full of hot air, which was why she wanted to ensure that she didn't have the same effect on Amanda. She reassured Amanda as they reached the subway that she was a great Mom and that Jessy was a beautiful funny smart baby.
"Thanks Liv, I know it's just good to hear it sometimes ya know?"
"It is. Listen why don't you and Jessy come over some evening after work and we'll sort through those clothes?"
"Yeah, sounds good."
Noah was now dozing in her arms as she bid Amanda and Jessy goodnight. As they walked home Olivia found herself holding tightly to her son, knowing she couldn't protect him from the evils of the world, but wishing with all her might that she could.
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A/N This is going to go on for a few chapters so keep with me. Working full time means I only get to write on and off. I really like this one and where it's going in my head though, so come along for the ride