Chapter one: In sibbe gerest

A small wooden boat glided through the misty waters of Lake Avalon. Devastated by everything which had happened to the man who rested on it Merlin stared after it long after it got swallowed up in the fog. "In sibbe gerest", the prayer lingered with him.

Merlin sat cross-legged in the grass for a long time until exhaustion caught up with him and he fell into a fitful sleep of jaded memories. Everything felt beyond lost to him, and so he did not care about his vulnerable body lying curled up on the ground in the dark of night. Merlin felt downright torn and alone. It was as if someone ripped his heart out and they left him bleeding by the side of the lake.

Arthur, his King and dearest friend, had died in his arms. "Thank you", Arthur had stated his acceptance of everything Merlin was in the end. Angered by the continued onslaught of emotions Merlin wiped the sleeve of his tunic at the fresh set of tears forming in his eyes. The two words tore him apart even further. In his eyes there was nothing to thank him for. When it mattered the most he had failed Arthur. Camelot was lost; their once shared future along with it. What had he left to live for now that he faced it alone? At this point Merlin was completely done with destiny. It had become nothing more than a cold curse; another meaningless word to taunt him in his grief.

Why had it taken him so long to see the truth of his heart? He had not just served Arthur until his last day, but… he had loved him more than any man ought to. The revelation left his mind and heart reeling, and yet Merlin found he had no regrets at all for falling for his friend in the way he did. No, what cut him to pieces the most was to miss out on Arthur's laughter, as well as his stubborn need to face fights head on and the ever infuriating long lists of chores he bestowed on his manservant.

At dawn Merlin sat staring at the lake once more. His eyes at last had gone dry, for he had no tears left to shed anymore. He felt too bone deep tired to even contemplate about whom he could be without his other half and where he should go next in life. Two halves of the same coin indeed. Merlin huffed at the notion of the ancient druid prophecy. Here he was, denied the full extend of what it meant when at last he understood everything about the bond he had shared with Arthur.

Why he got up onto his feet he could never recall. One moment Merlin still sat in the wet grass lost in his despair and the next he started to walk, heading off into the forest on an invisible path. For leagues on end he wasn't aware of where he was going. Even so his feet seemed to take him where he needed to go more than anywhere else…

When the endless amount of trees made way for Ealdor Merlin knew that he'd done the right thing in letting his instinct take over from his rational mind. The sight of his mother coming out of one of the small village houses though brought on a fresh wave of tears. More than anything else he wanted to get wrapped up in her arms. Nothing would ever be right again, but maybe for a few moments he could pretend it was.

"Merlin?" The question his unexpected presence posed her showed plain as day on her shocked face. To his happiness though she needed not for him to call out to her. Hunith dropped her laundry basket and she came running towards him. "Merlin!" She called out his name when she was closer.

Unable to walk on for the emotions getting the better of him he whispered, "I failed him… mother, Arthur… he's…" In the thick of his feelings Merlin lost his voice to grief and he sounded more than a little hoarse, but he hoped that his mother would somehow catch on to what he meant to say and couldn't find the words for.

"Oh, Merlin." Her arms wrapped around his tired frame while her head rested against his chest. Hunith remained speechless by his surprise visit, for which he was grateful. In this moment the last thing he wanted to do was talk.

A few breaths passed before she shifted to look up at him. Her eyes locked with his in turn… and all Merlin could see in her gaze was understanding, sadness and his mother's endless care for him. It was far too much for his shattered heart to deal with though. Unable to face more of it he burrowed his face in her shoulders while he felt himself fall apart anyway under her quiet scrutiny…

To her shock Hunith felt a violent tremble of emotions wreck through Merlin's body. All it had taken for her to have some understanding about what happened was him mentioning Arthur's name with such intense pain in his voice. It led her to believe the young King had died. What had happened? Did he get felled in battle? If so, the news of it had yet to reach Ealdor. Hunith sensed that now wasn't the time to ask, because Merlin was too lost in his grief. As it was she could barely keep him up from crumbling down into the dirt.

Quiet and resolute in her actions Hunith led Merlin home, where she helped him sit down on her cot. His far too wobbling legs had given up on functioning by then. Seeing him so weak Hunith wondered how he had made it this far. Was it on his sheer will alone? All too often her son tended to push himself beyond his limits and then some. It was a trait she had seen in his father too. With a smile of motherly fondness and a growing worry for her son tightened around her heart Hunith decided it did not matter how Merlin made it, only that he did know to find her when he needed help.

After she wrapped her son up in a blanket and she laid him down to rest Hunith sat down on a chair, unwilling to leave his side until she knew he would not shatter apart any further than he already had. It tore at her heart to see Merlin so lost. Even in his restless slumber he was far from quiet and peaceful. Every now and then mumbled words came from deep within his dreams, none of which she could make out too well.

By dusk Merlin awoke. A small smile let Hunith know that her son appreciated her steady presence, even though in his mind he could not find the words to speak of his loss yet. In silence they drank tea. Hunith passed him some bread, insisting with a gesture for him to eat. As if he did not have the energy to fight her he took a bite. It were his hollow eyes and trembling hands though that made him drop it. Too soon, she realised. Almost afraid to break him Hunith pulled him to her side and she held him in her arms. "I am here for you… always."

The next few days passed by in relative silence. Merlin spent most of them inside of the house where he was born, only leaving when Hunith insisted that she needed his help with a few chores. But even then her son stayed by far too quiet for her liking. This was not the talkative and spirited young man she had put on this world. His body was here, but his mind had stayed behind at a place far away; most likely the site where he was forced to leave Arthur behind. It cut into Hunith to see her son so lost.

A first spark of hope filled her heart when one day she caught Merlin glance over towards the dirt road which led out of Ealdor. His sad eyes conveyed a longing in that moment which his broken heart was not ready to admit to. Hunith had a feeling Camelot still had a hold on him and it called for him to return.

Of course Arthur hadn't been his only friend there. Gaius, Gwen and the handful of close friends (all of them knights) he wrote about in his letters to her were all still back there, waiting for him to come back. Her son had often written about Gwaine too, with whom he shared many fun and sometimes dangerous adventures. Hunith came to look at the man she had never met as someone far more noble than he pretended to be.

Was Gwaine the one Merlin longed to go back to? She had often wondered if what she sensed about their deep friendship between the lines of Merlin's writing was love beyond what most men shared. Did he even realise himself how he felt? Or had her son become so wrapped up in his duty as a servant that he denied his own needs for love?

At last after days of more stolen glances Hunith decided her son had to face his pain in order to move on. She sat down on the garden bench and patted the empty space by her side. "Come sit with me, Merlin. I believe it is time we have a talk."

Merlin sat down, unsure about how to break the silence even though he began to see how much he needed to. His mother's blue eyes looked back at him, unyielding in her patience and with a glimmer of emotions he associated with her own grief. Of course! How come he had forgotten how well she understood loss?

Hunith had loved his father once. Before he was born his parents shared a short affair, deep and intense no doubt. Balinor, a Dragonlord gifted with magic, had fled from Uther and he'd found shelter with his mother right here in Ealdor. They had lived for each day they could have together… until the growing tension of the Purge forced Balinor to leave Hunith behind. She had never told Merlin any of this, because it was not safe to be a son of a wanted man and to have inherited his gift in a kingdom which outlawed it.

The truth though had come out in a twist of fate. For one day Merlin had known Balinor; one by far too short day… because destiny then too tore him apart over what should have been. His father had died in his arms after taking the pointed edge of a sword to save his son. Even now Merlin could only feel sorrow over what Uther had taken from his family. Had the former King not haunted those with magic… well, at least his son had changed his mind in the end. And that sad thought made Merlin find his voice at last.

"I failed him mother. The one time when Arthur needed my magic the most, I failed him and the future." The words were out of his mouth before Merlin could stop himself. It seemed he was ready to start talking after all. Word for word he told her about the morning when he woke up believing that he had lost his magic and how he went to get it back before the war could break out. He then spoke of how he met the spirit of his father at the Crystal Cave…

"You saw your father?"

The glimmer of hope in Hunith's eyes made Merlin sigh in regret. "In a way. I saw his spirit and so I don't think he was really there… but he helped me get my magic back. I know what I am now, mother, and I have him to thank for it."

For a moment he closed his eyes, remembering everything which he had learned from his strong willed father. He was to live forever or at least for as long as there was magic in the world. The thought still made his head spin. There was no way that he could grasp the concept of it yet. A hundred years was a long time; a thousand years almost unreachable… but forever? No man could live that long. Merlin seriously doubted it and so he dare not speak of it.

Looking at his mother Merlin gave her a wry smile. "I don't think anyone knew what hit them when I arrived at Camlann. All the power I had at my finger tips to stop the battle… and yet, every single action I took and spell I cast came too late. By the time I made my way down into the ravine Mordred had struck Arthur down with that dreaded blade of his. I just couldn't give up though… I had to fight for his life, of course I had to try."

With sadness in his heart Merlin recalled the last two days he spent with Arthur. How the injured King had learned of his magic and how angry he reacted to the revelation at first. The lie of Merlin hiding himself from everyone in Camelot, and worse from the man he served, had come between them rather than the gift of magic itself. Arthur had found it difficult to come to terms with both. To sort his thoughts and reconcile with the truth he needed time to adjust how he looked at his best friend. Over the course of a painful and rather difficult journey of two days Arthur came to see how Merlin was still the same man. In the end he accepted everything his friend had done for him.

Merlin trailed off when he remembered something Arthur had said, "I don't want you to change. I want you, to always be you." The thought rattled the pieces of his heart and warmed it a little. Arthur never said things he didn't mean. Within those words laid hidden the full extend of the friendship they had shared. In spite of the many names they had called each other, or the various insults they'd thrown around, there had never been any doubt between them that they were friends; status be damned. As such, Merlin vowed to himself, he would always remember Arthur with love.

"None of it was your fault, Merlin. Some things are just the way they are, in spite of our best efforts. You only did what you could and I am proud of you." Hunith pulled him closer to her. Their shoulders touched while they sat together in silence. Her words had comforted him and while he considered them they began to make sense to Merlin, even though a part of him would always dwell on what ifs.

After a while Merlin broke the silence, "Almost from the moment I arrived in Camelot I spent each day by Arthur's side. Everything I ever did I did for him and now that I am left behind to face life alone I don't know what to do with myself…"

Hunith smiled before she said, "One day at the time, Merlin."

"Is that what you did when father left?"

A hand touched his cheek before she rose onto her feet. The answer he was looking for was in his mother's wet eyes. "Time heals all wounds; it is an old, but true saying. I am not going to lie to you. It won't be easy… but one day you will think of Arthur and not feel like you let him down."

For a long time after his mother went inside Merlin stayed where he was, contemplating the world from the bench in the garden. Hunith was right; he knew what to do now. Ealdor may be where he was born and where his mother lived, but the true home in his heart was Camelot.

Gwaine would want to know what happened and hear about where he had been. Yes, he owed it to his dear friend too to find a way passed the pain. Gwaine would cheer him up, no doubt. So tomorrow he would go home.