No Man Is Worth Your Tears

by Merlinfanatic77

Merlin's thoughts about Balinor's death, how he's a monster, and that Arthur would hate him if he ever found out his secret. Not really a poem, more of... well I don't really know. :

I am really nervous about posting this. It's kinda dark, and I'm not sure if I like it. I was going to save but not post this, but then this little nagging voice in my mind said "Don't care what other's think. Just be yourself." So, here it is.

No Man Is Worth Your Tears

My mind flashes back

To my father,

Balinor,

I barely knew him

He left my mother

Before I was born

Hunted

Because of something he was born with

Because of Your father

You don't know what it feels like

To grow up without a father

To be bullied as a child

Just because your parents never married

It wasn't his fault

That he had to leave

It was Uther's

Your father caused mine

So much grief

Caused me so many

Painful memories

I often felt lonely,

Depressed

Abandoned by someone

Who was supposed to protect me

My mind reels forward

To me standing on a familiar ridge

Now empty,

A symbol of hate and guilt,

I see myself,

Swearing to the dragon

On my mother's life

That I'd free him

Stupid! So stupid!

I remember me getting the sword,

Cutting the thick chains

I remember Kilgharrah's roar,

Earth shattering

I see your pained face

The fear in your eyes

Innocents on fire

So much pain

I didn't even save my family the grief

That I set Kilgharrah free to avoid

When I let him go,

I may have saved my mother,

But I killed my father

If we hadn't gone to him for help,

He wouldn't have died saving me

But, we went

For Camelot

And, he died,

In my arms,

Protecting me

And, you said

"No man is worth your tears"

The words hurt,

Like salt on a wound

Yet I had to pretend that

Everything was okay

When it wasn't

And never will be

I'm still heartbroken,

Haunted by my father's death

And all the innocents

Who perished

Because of me

Because of me

I killed them

Just like I killed my father

It's all my fault

Everything

All the pain

All the grief

All the sorrow

Everything

Guilt is my constant companion

If you ever find out,

You'll never forgive me

And, I don't blame you

Not at all

I come back to the present,

Lying on my bed

Experiencing nightmarish thoughts

That never seem to go away

One thing is for sure

I will never forgive myself

Never

-MF