I felt the rain fall, fall onto my body, covering me in a layer of water. Thunder boomed and lightning flashed, yet I stayed out in the rain. I stood out in the rain, washing my worries away, washing my memories away, locking them up, and placing them in a secret compartment of my heart.
"Why did you leave?" I murmured as I felt some of the rain drip down from my hair, tracing my face until it reached my chin, then falling down onto the ground, joining the rest of the rain. I thought of what had happened, and I thought about you.
Why you had left, why you had to leave, and why I had chosen to do what I did. In the end, I would regret it all.
"Why am I such an idiot?" I whispered to no one in particular and I dropped my head, looking at the soggy ground, lightning flashing, lighting the grass up then letting darkness envelope it once again. I thought of us traveling, the time you looked for me for a whole year, the time you and I had first kissed, the time you had accidentally confessed your love for me. I couldn't have been happier.
You made me angry, you irritated me, you pushed my buttons, you strained my sanity, but you had also calmed me, soothed me, and gave me courage. Why would I take something like that away from myself? From you?
"Where are you?" I asked, wishing that you would get the message somehow, wishing that some angel would take my request and fulfill it, bringing you to me, and I to you. I wanted the unthinkable, I wanted you, no matter how much you had hurt me, no matter how much you had injured me, and I knew you never meant it. You are you, and I am me, and no one can change us, no one can take you from me, but I had taken you and pushed you away. I sent you on a journey with a distorted memory, erasing me from your life as if I were a drawing under an eraser.
"Why did I do that?" I kept asking these silly questions, despite no one being around to hear them, I continued anyways, as if it would help ease the pain I felt. Why do people act on whims? Why don't we think before we act? I chose to do something, and I regret it, I regret sending you off, I regret letting you walk off not having a clue in the world of who I even am.
I could still hear your last words before I erased your memory of me. Your gruff voice, filled with a concern very few people have heard from you, filled with love that you hadn't felt, filled with a tone only I would hear.
"I'm sorry," is what you had said, the only time you had ever apologized, and only time you ever will, even with your altered personality.
I felt tears rushing up as I thought about this, as I thought about you, and I thought about us. I felt tears as I felt about what I gave up, tears about what I could've kept, what I willingly got rid of.
Did I do it for you, or for me?
At the moment if seemed like the right thing to do, to erase me from your memories, erase him from your memories as well, erase our times together, and erase everything. I thought that maybe if I erased me from you that I could forget as well, that it would be like some words written in the beach that would eventually fade away, never to be remembered again.
"What have I done?" I wish you would just show up behind me, wrapping your arms around my thin waist in that way that only you could do, even if you hadn't shown love to anyone but me, you still showed it well. I wish you were at my side, giving me comfort, giving me hope, giving me the will to live in this cursed world.
But we don't always get what we wish, nor do we always keep what we have.