I hate tequila.
I'm not entirely sure why I kept drinking so much. I'm sure Caroline had something to do with it, since she kept filling my shot glass. "Bonnie, Klaus is gone because you're a damn good witch," she said every time she brought the bottle over to refill my glass.
And I'm a horrible drunk. I had to excuse myself to the couch because every time I looked over at Jeremy on the other side of the kitchen, I felt like blurting things out at him. Angry things. Loving things. Even after what we went through together today, he barely looked at me. And naturally, with my luck, it was Jeremy who shook me awake at midnight with a glass of water.
"How do you feel?" he asked with a chuckle. He smelled like soap and his hair was wet. I felt my cheeks getting warm. How embarassing. I smoothed down my hair and wiped my mouth before before I took the glass. I hope I didn't drool or snore, or have one of those nightmares.
"I'm fine, Jeremy. Where is everyone?"
"Caroline and Tyler took Matt home. He was too drunk to drive himself."
"Caroline must forget we're not all vampires and hybrids. We don't recover as quickly as she does."
"Tell me about it. If Elena hadn't forced me to stop drinking, I'd have my head in the toilet right now."
"Where is Elena?
"Upstairs. I left her painting Alaric's room. Figured I'd give her some space."
Small talk. We're making small talk. Like we've known each other for five minutes. He's done the same thing every time we've spoken since we broke up. Being cute and cordial; acting like nothing ever happened. I keep hoping that one day he'll walk up to me, tell me he made a mistake and that he wants to give us another try. He never does and frankly, I'm not sure I would give us another try. I stood up and started walking to the door.
"I guess I should call Jaime and ask him to give me a ride home," I said with my back to Jeremy.
"Bonnie, wait."
I turned around to look at Jeremy's face, hope flaring inside of me.
"I can give you a ride."
"It's ok, Jeremy. He wouldn't mind." I don't know if I just saw a tick go across Jeremy's face or if what's left of the Tequila in my system is playing tricks on me, but I decide to push my luck. "And he can just stay over so he doesn't have to drive back across town to go back home. No big deal. Really." I feel bad using Jaime as a device to get a rise out of Jeremy, but what other ammo do I have? It's not like there's a line of men waiting to court me going around the block.
"Seriously, Bonnie?"
"What?" I answered as innocently as I could muster.
"I didn't need to hear that."
"Sorry, Jeremy. Look, I'm going to call him and wait on the porch." I'm internally jumping for joy that he didn't like my mention of Jaime. It's a good sign, right? I walk out the door before he can say anything else and call Jaime. It rings a few times and I go into voicemail. Shit. He either slept through my call or finally got the picture that my circle and I aren't exactly the safest of people to be around. Either way, I guess I have to go ask Jeremy for that ride. Great.
The front door opens behind me and Jeremy walks out before I even get a chance to turn around with a jacket and a pair of keys in his hands . "First of all," he said while putting the jacket around my shoulders and facing me, "you shouldn't be out here alone with Alaric out there. Second, don't wake up that Jaime guy. It's rude. Third, I'm taking you home, Bonnie. We need to talk." His wet hair shined in the light of the porch and he had on that oddly gorgeous determined face he wears when he's made his mind up about something. I wouldn't have been able to say no to him even if Jaime had picked up his phone. He started walking to the driveway and I followed him like a puppy.
He opened the car door for me and shut it behind me. The three seconds it takes him to get to the driver side door feels like an eternity. My heart feels like its in my throat and my palms are starting to get sweaty. I chew on my lip because it's the only way I'm going to be able to keep my mouth shut. As many things as I want to say, I'm going to let him be the one to start this conversation. I deserve that much. He owes me that. By the time he gets into the car, I'm feeling like I might explode. He puts the keys into the ignition and backs out of the driveway. In silence.
For the next few minutes of the ride, the only sounds I hear are Jeremy and Elena's junior high graduation tassels hanging from the rearview mirror and bumping up against the dashboard. When I look over expectantly at Jeremy, he turns his attention from the road to the dial on the radio. Adele's "Somebody Like You" comes blaring out of the speakers. Sometimesitlastsinloveandsometimesithurtsinstead. I couldn't help but to laugh, sink further down into my seat and look out of the window. I can't believe this. Did he lie just to get me in the car? Did he have any intention to talk to me? I looked to the moon and asked for the strength to get through the next six minutes. His hand slammed down on the power button to turn the radio off and I wanted to cry. He's nothing like the Jeremy I remember, nothing like the Jeremy I fell in love with. I risk another glance at his face, searching for something familiar. His thick brows are furrowed together and his hands are gripping the steering wheel like he's trying to kill it. He feels me looking at him and looks back into my eyes. A sigh escapes his lips and my stomach sinks to my feet.
"Let me out, Jeremy."
"Bonnie, I'm so sorry," we say at exactly the same time.
After an awkward moment of silence, he continued, "For everything. I'm sorry for everything, Bonnie. When you brought me back and I started seeing people, I freaked out. I had lost everything, you know that. Vicky came back, then Anna and I felt like I could save them, I felt like I could start over."
"Why did you want to start over in the first place, Jeremy? You were with me! What about me, Jeremy? Did I mean that little to you? Did you care?"
"I did care Bonnie. I still care. When we got together, I felt like I was starting to heal. You made me feel like I could get over it all. I finally got the girl I grew up crushing on."
"And then what? You got me and got over it? Anna showed up as a freaking ghost and you forgot you had a girlfriend?"
He sighed again and twisted his mouth like I had hurt his feelings. The nerve. "The first time Anna spoke to me, Bonnie, I —"
"Jeremy, for the sake of my sanity, don't say my name and hers in the same sentence right now."
"I'm sorry. The first time she spoke to me, I just felt like I had a chance to say goodbye. Anna and I got cut short and I never got the chance to say bye."
"Neither did Matt, Jeremy. He didn't say bye to his sister and he still let her go the second time around. And if you were going to be sneaking behind my back with your ghost girlfriend, you should've just broken up with me. That would have been better than cheating on me."
"I couldn't, Bonnie. I never wanted to leave you. I was caught up with Anna but I still wanted to be with you. I know it sounds fucked up, but in the back of my head, I knew that Anna was temporary."
"Ok, Jeremy, I'm done. Let me out of the car." I can't control the tears rolling down my face. They're angry tears at this point. I thought finally having this conversation would be relieving, but it's just opening up old wounds.
"Bonnie, I'm not letting you out yet. We're almost at your house."
"I'll walk."
When he pulled the car over, the tears turned into sad ones. There he went, letting me go again. I put my purse on my shoulder and reached for the latch on the door.
"Bonnie, give me one more minute. Please."
My hand stayed on the door handle and I look straight ahead of me. "59, 58—"
"I love you. I was stupid and I know I'm never going to make up for what I did to you. I know it. I know I'm never going to get you back, but you have to know that it's true. I love you. I thought I loved Vicky. I thought I loved Anna. I broke when they both died, but I promise you, Bonnie, seeing you everyday hurts me more than when they died. I cared about them both, Deeply, but not like this. I've been a fucking idiot in the past, you know it, you've been a witness to it, but I've never fucked anything up like I fucked us up. I can't look at you without wanting to kiss you. I can barely speak to you because I know I'm going to make a fool of myself like I am right now. I don't have any good excuses, but I regret all of it. I love you, Bonnie."
"Jeremy, I'm not sure if you know what love is, but you're doing it wrong. You lied. You cheated. You avoided me. After everything we had been through together, after I sacrificed my connection to the witches to bring you back because I couldn't stand the thought of being without you, you betrayed me." I'm pretty sure I'm screaming, and I'm pretty sure I'm ugly crying, but it all comes spilling out, "Don't tell me you regret it, Jeremy. You let her in. Don't think I don't know that she didn't just show up out of the blue. You willed her there, Jeremy. It was mutual. You wanted her to be there and she wanted to be with you. You made her come through. While you were with me. You thought of her while you were with me. It wasn't some random one-time mistake. You… you broke my heart, Jeremy. And it wasn't a mistake. And in spite of all of that, in spite of all the pain, you have no idea how scared I was today. I thought, for a second, that I had lost you again. I can't handle it, Jeremy. You will never know how much you've hurt me, and I still can't bring myself not to care. That's the worst part."
I'm surprised when I look over and see his eyes are watery. We sit in silence again for a few minutes before he reaches over and takes my hand in his. I let him. It's been so long. He just sits there with his eyes on the street in front of him, holding my hand.
"Say something, Jeremy. You owe me that. You've spent enough time not talking to me."
"I'm trying to figure out a way to sweep you off your feet again. Thinking of a master plan to get you to forgive me, to love me again, to trust me again."
I laugh and wipe my eyes with my free hand. "Jeremy, I love you. I never stopped. But I don't know how to forgive you and I don't know how to trust you. I don't know if I can."
This is everything I wanted. His admission of guilt, his apology, his love, but I couldn't help but to be wary.
"Try. Just try, Bonnie. Answer this for me: Were we good together? We were, weren't we?"
"We were good, Jeremy, but not good enough to keep you from kissing Anna."
"We were good, Bonnie. We were better than good, but I wasn't. I can be better for you."
"And what if Anna shows up again one day, Jeremy? You really think I'm going to take that risk?"
"Bonnie, the only time I think about Anna now is when I think about how badly I messed up and how much I miss you. I fell asleep every night in Colorado with my phone in my hand, looking at one of my pictures of us. Anna and I had our time. Twice, unfortunately. I need for us to have ours. Without me being an asshole. I'm not going to hurt you again, Bonnie, I swear."
The mention of Colorado distracted me from the banality of it all, "You were compelled to go to Colorado and you sound like a TV show, Jeremy."
"What?"
"Elena had Damon compel you again. She wanted you to be safe with all the Originals running around. And you sound like a TV show with your 'I won't hurt you's'."
He grit his teeth and took a second to compose himself again. "Bonnie, let me try. Let me in again. Please." He wasn't going to let me derail this conversation.
"I'll think about it, Jeremy. Now, it's been a long day. Please take me home."
"That's better than nothing," he said while putting the car in drive and finally getting on the road again.
We sat in silence yet again until we got to my house. I took his jacket off my shoulders, thanked him for the ride and got out of the car. I heard a car door slam behind me and turned to see him following me. "Jeremy, I dessicated Klaus, killed you and brought you back to life. I'm fully capable of walking 30 feet to my front door."
He smiled at that, "You are amazing, you know that?"
I laughed, "So I've been told."
When we reached the front door, he put his jacket back over my shoulders, and engulfed me in his big arms. Jeremy hugs. He's always made me feel protected and wanted with those hugs. I couldn't help but feel that way again now with my face in the nook of his neck and my feet hanging off the ground. When he put me down, he cradled my face in his hands and stared in my eyes. Something about the way he was looking at me, the way he seemed to be searching my eyes made this all very real. "I love you, Bonnie. I'm sorry I hadn't said it before. I'm sorry for everything I've done to hurt you. You don't have to believe me now, but you will."
I tippy-toed, gave him a kiss on the cheek with a smile on my face, unlocked my door and walked into my house.