Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
The lyrics play as I recall the last time she's been home. It felt like forever since I've last heard her breathing, heard her voice for real and not over the phone.
Since Fang left we've moved into a safe house that one of Doctor Martinez's friends gave us. Max was always gone, searching for him. I've been placed in charge.
"Hey Iggy? Wanna come help me build a dry ice bomb?" Gazzy yells from the other room, I can hear him even with my iPod's headphones over my ears.
"Nah Gaz, I'm busy, go ask Dylan!" I yell back, it hurts me to say no to Gazzy, but I just didn't feel like it today.
Today is precisely a year after Fang left and since we moved into the house. I know 'cause I've been keeping track. Its 2 weeks away from the day Max left, the day I became leader.
I think back to that day.
"Ig, we need to talk. . . it's." She started, her voice sounded horse and tired. She locked herself up in her room every day after we waited up all night for him to come back when we first realized he was gone, she's been crying ever since. When he didn't come back we searched, the others gave up after a few days, they stopped flying along when we checked out a new place until it was only her and I left.
Even Dylan gave up on going with her, but I couldn't let her go alone.
"Max, wait. Don't say what I think you're gonna say." I said taking a step towards her.
"But Ig, I have to. What if. . . What if he's in trouble?" She pleaded. For once I was glad I couldn't see, or else I would have seen her grieve stricken face, the dark circles I was sure to be under her probably red eyes. I knew she was hurting, we all knew, but no one knew the pain I felt, the pain I've been hiding even before Fang left. The pain I've been dealing with alone.
"He left. On his own. He said not to try and find him, that it's better this way." I said trying to convince her, I knew what she was planning, I didn't need mind reading to know that.
"But. . . I love him." She said. I could feel the frozen claws of a beast ripping my heart apart, nausea filled me and I had to take a step back.
"W-we love you, you can't." I tried, it was all I could manage at the time, but I knew it was a helpless cause, when Max Ride wanted to do something, she did it.
I opened my eyes, not that it helped anyway. I turned up the music and wiped the wet from my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket. I was lying on my back on the bed listening to some music, that was all that could cheer me up nowadays.
She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
"Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit Ig, I don't feel normal. Ig, I feel so empty." She said. Back then I didn't realize how much her words sounded like the words of a song.
"How's going after him going to make you be normal? We're never going to be normal!" I raised my voice, something I've never done, especially not to someone in my flock.
"I don't know Ig! I just need him, he makes me feel normal!" She raised her voice, and for a moment I could feel a smile tugging at my lips, it's been weeks since I've heard her sound so alive. We haven't had any problems with people trying to kill us since he left, no occasions where Max could get angry, until now.
"You have us! We need you here. Fang's probably on some island living it up, like he's always wanted to do!" I spat back, I knew it hurt her because she grew silent. When Max got silent you knew you were in for it.
Except this time she didn't get angry like I expected.
"I'm going, nothing you do or say can keep me from going." She said calmly.
"Max please." I tried calming myself too, taking deep breaths. My heart still ached but I couldn't afford to show it.
"Iggy, I'm leaving the flock, I'm leaving them to you, take good care of them." She said, I heard rustling and drawers going open. She was packing her backpack, she really was leaving.
Back then she left out of the window of her room, it was night time and the rest of the flock were curled up in front of the TV watching a movie and eating pizza. No one knew she wanted to leave, not even Angel knew, I followed her when she left the room back then, I knew something was eating at her.
"At least take a cell phone and call once in a while?" I tried, knowing she wouldn't stay, no matter what I said.
"Sure Ig." She said. I knew she had moved to the window and was about to leave, but she came back to stand in front of me.
Her lavender perfumed body spray reached my nose and I breathed in. I felt her breath right before she kissed me on the forehead, she probably smiled and then I heard her leaving through the window. I could picture everything in my head.
"Thanks Iggy, for caring." She said right before I heard the faint rustling of her wings as she jumped out.
I went over to the window, the gentle autumn wind brushed against my skin. The spot where she kissed me on my head tingled as I reached up with my hand to brush my hair away.
She was gone.
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me to not feel so alone,
I would work myself up each day, wanting to call her, hear how she was doing, try and find out why she had to be gone. Or I'll wait, wait for her to call, she did this every now and then, this kept me sane.
I loved it when she called, I just had to hear her voice, it was all that kept me going, knowing she was still alive, still thinking about us enough to call.
She never said where she was or whether she had a place to sleep, she would just call and say she's okay, that she hasn't found him yet, that she's following up a lead someone gave her on the blog.
Without her I felt so alone. 2 years ago we were still a family, still taking everything a day at a time together. Now I felt so alone, Fang was gone, Max was gone, Nudge was always away with friends from school or busy, Angel was usually tagging along or off planning world domination with Total, and Gazzy was usually playing Xbox or building something.
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around to call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
I spent my days usually around the house, waiting, working up courage to call but when I dialed the number I would usually find myself wondering what I would say, then I would just hang up. I mean, what should I say? Hello Max? Yeah well, we miss you, why do you have to search for him anyways? You have me here, I've always l-
That was just stupid, she had her goal, she would find him and bring him back. We'd be together again. That was what I wanted right?
I pressed a key on my cell to hear if it was still on. It made a beep and I smiled a pitiful little smile that didn't feel right.
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I just wished I could tell her, tell her how fucked up it was for her to search for someone who didn't want to be found, how we needed her here. I wanted to tell her how I've had it with her obsession with finding him, how I've felt about her.
I know everyone wants her back here, not just me. Angel's usually crying silently at night, I can hear her when I walk past her and Nudge's room, they are both torn up. They haven't even gotten over Fang's leaving. Gazzy wouldn't admit it but he misses them too, he acts tough and grown up but he misses Max's comments on his experiments and her yelling at him when he blows something up he wasn't supposed to go near. Obviously Dylan misses her, but he's keeping himself busy by playing Max's role in the house, we work together on this, but it's hard.
They always ask me where'd she go, when she would be back and if Fang would be with her. I will usually respond by shaking my head and shrugging.
I sat up in the bed and took the headphones off, it was raining outside and I could hear Nudge in another room talking on the phone with a friend, she was giggling and sounding like your average teenager.
I lay back down on the bed, letting my head rest on the pillow. I close my eyes again and place the headphones back over my ears.
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbecue up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Halloween with candy by the pile,
I just want her to come back, I can face whatever danger comes our way if we were just together again.
I would give anything if we could just go back to how everything was. We'd usually go to doctor M's place for the major holidays. We'd have a barbecue in the back yard and invite Ella's friends and end our day with everyone packing into the TV room to watch some rented Disney movie.
I remember that time one of Ella's friends tried to make a move on Fang, he made a startled hamster sound next to me and the next moment I heard Max descending on the girl. That was way back when Fang was still recovering after he almost died after Dr Gunter-Hagen caught him, so Max was very protective.
But now, you only stop by every once and a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
With anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I try and remember that time Max stopped here for a while. We were cleaning the house when she casually came walking down the stairs, Gazzy saw her first and ran up to her. She hugged him and greeted us all, acting like she wasn't just gone for a month.
She told us about where she's been and how she was following up leads she got, she ate, packed some clothes into her backpack and took a few supplies. Then she left again. Gazzy told me how tanned she looked, how beaten and grownup she appeared and how she had cut her hair shorter.
After she left again I had to get things to keep me busy, to fill my time and keep myself from wanting to go after her. I started to learn to 'read' brail, that didn't last long. After that I resorted to listening to audio books, the good ones ran out and I found myself going back to just thinking about her.
I shook my head and tried a smile again, I promised myself I wouldn't dwell on the past today, that today was the day I would move on. But I couldn't keep myself from thinking about her, about how I missed her and how I wanted her to come back.
I'm doin' fine, and I'm plannin' to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find that you have something to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"
I try and think that everything's fine, but in the back of my mind I can still feel my heart tugging at her memories and how we've always been together, how together with the flock we've faced everything that threatened us.
I suddenly found myself just listening to the music, forgetting for a moment about how I felt about her and the world, the rhythm of a Linkin Park song took me away. If she called right now I would tell her how fucked up it was that she didn't think we, me, could help her find him, how she left us here, stuck without her. She left us here waiting for the mythical day she found her long lost love and return to us and live happily ever after.
I've probably had it with her and her goose chase. He didn't want to be found, he left her here broken, he left us to deal with everything and thought a letter and a bunch of stupid documents on his laptop would be enough.
I sat up in the bed, breathing hard in and out.
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For why you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you've got 'til it's gone,
I placed my head between my knees. I should have known sitting up so fast would make me feel sick. I reached up a lazy hand and rubbed my forehead.
My forehead was wet and my hair was sticking to my skull, my ears felt like they were burning up and I wanted to puke. Fang just made me so mad, he left her here and still she went to go and search for him.
If it were me who left, everyone would probably be sad, but no one would go after me, no one would try and find me to bring me back, no one would lock themselves up in a room for days and cry for me.
I know this because I left once, I couldn't see how sad they were but I knew they were sad when they reunited me with my family, they didn't want me to leave but they allowed it.
It's fucked up how she just packed up and left now, never thinking about the ones she'd be leaving behind, the others got over it, but I didn't, I'm not and I'll never get over it.
Leaving me here makes me feel useless, yeah I know I'm blind and asking the blind kid to help you 'look' for someone who's lost is a little redundant, but I thought I proved my worth a lot before.
I feel lost without her, without all 6 of us together, I sure as hell have hated Fang for being with us, Max always loved him, and while she loved him she could never love anyone else.
But I've never seen before that when he was here, Max was happy and we were all together, that's all I've ever wanted right? For Max to be happy, that's what you want if you truly l-love someone.
Yes I admit it, I love Max, and I've always loved her.
But I could never have admitted to it if she wasn't gone, it's like you never know what you've got 'till it's gone.
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
But I've had it with being here, waiting…
When you come back I won't be here and you can sing it...
I stood up and walked towards the stairs. I walked down without missing a beat and went into the family room.
Where'd you go?
I could hear Gazzy playing Assassins' creed, Angel and Total were there too talking about some movie. Nudge was talking on the phone, when she saw me she said bye and ended her call.
I miss you so,
"What's up Iggy?" Nudge asked first.
Seems like it's been forever,
"Want to play me when I finish?" Gazzy asked.
That you've been gone.
"Want to hear about my day Ig?" Angel asked innocently, although I knew she already read my mind.
Where'd you go?
"Guys. . ." I started to say, I thought about my words, rolling them around in my mouth.
I miss you so,
I took a deep breath and slowly breathed it out.
Seems like it's been forever,
I straightened out my shoulders and tried to think of something that would make me second guess my decision.
That you've been gone,
Dylan walked in. I heard him come and stand behind me.
Please come back home...
"Guys." I said again, this time with more certainty in my voice.
Please come back home...
"We're going," I took another breath.
Please come back home...
"We're going after Fang. . ."
Please come back home...
…Please come back home.