The table made a dull thud with every bill that Castiel counted out on it. His brow was furrowed in concentration, adding up the amount of cash in his mind. Not enough, he kept thinking, he's going to be pissed.
Cas sighed; $500 for this week only. Barely enough to pay for groceries, much less the rent that he had been late on for months now. He sat back, a hand running through his dark brown hair. Michael wouldn't be happy with him; he had a family to support, and this was the only way that Michael could think of to make a decent amount of money for Castiel and his 5 brothers easily, along with paying the medical bills of his sister Anna. Cas cracked open a beer and drank it diligently, his mind elsewhere.
There was a new client tonight, who went by the name of Sam Stallion. It sounded like a porn star's, but Castiel supposed that prostitution wasn't far off from that industry. Prostitutes just got paid worse and (usually) weren't recorded on camera. Castiel sighed as he got up, into his car, and over to the address he'd written down. He hated this! He felt dirty, but it was got the bills paid. ...Usually. And Anna was just getting worse. She'll be gone soon, we all know it. Cas hoped that the money left over from her life insurance would be used to pay off her medical bills after the funeral, but who knew. The four of them, they'd all made sort of... a pack, and excluded Cas from it when their father left. Cas was bitter, with good reason. He didn't want his sister to die, but she certainly was a burden. He'd never admit to thinking that way though. Cas couldn't let himself be a completely terrible person.
When he knocked on the door, a handsome man with bright green eyes answered, and Castiel had begun his little speech announcing who he was and what he was here for whilst avoiding eye contact before he stopped, noticing that this man was dressed. He had shoes, and jeans, and a watch on. Nice clothes... but they weren't the kind he was used to seeing. Come to think of it, those shoes looked familiar. The brand any way. They were used mostly in garage work because they held up so well. It was a trusty brand. His brow furrowing in confusion as he looked up at the man. He realized why the brand had looked so familiar; it was his old high school boyfriend that had left him for Lisa Braeden. Cas' eyes widened, "Dean?"
Dean smiled. "I told you my name was Sam Stallion." He whispered, urgenty. He felt a little wrong about using his brother's first name, but it had worked, hadn't it? He heard Cas was nearly on the streets nowadays, and doing such dirty things... "I know I'm probably the last person you want to see, or expect to care, but-" He tugged at the back of his hair anxiously. "Cas, you can't keep doing this, alright? You can't... sell your body. I mean, you and I never got to the point that I got to see much of it, but you're beautiful, and you deserve so much better than this. It was... that was something I liked about you. You're better than this." He whimpered, stepping inside further, to make room for Cas if he'd take the offer.
Dean used his eyes to his advantage. Cas always used to get whatever he wanted from Dean, with just a small bat of his lashes. It was only fair that he could use his own to get him to stay for dinner. "I know I'm an ass for making you come over here, without you knowing. But, I have the money. It's on the coffee table. It's yours."
He saw Cas wince a little, and wondered if it was from a twinge of guilt, or confusion from previous abuse from other clients.. He probably sounded like a disapproving mother, attacking him so suddenly. He tried to ease the shrill words with a softer tone. "You don't have to do anything, Cas. I just wanted to talk to you. I wanted to make sure you were taken care of. You asked for $350 earlier, but there's $680 in there for you. Come inside." He offered to take Cas' coat. "Please, Cas."
Cas was always so quiet. He'd learned to love it. He never stopped loving Cas. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't regret the decision he'd made. But Cas didn't deserve to be in the cross fire of the fighting and bullshit of Lisa's family. She was always starting things up, and Dean knew that if Lisa found out about Cas and himself, she'd tell all of Cas' family, and Dean knew that that was the last thing Cas wanted. That was clear. It seemed that now, it didn't matter. Cas, innocent Cas, had turned to prostitution. He had to fix it. He knew it was his own fault. He shouldn't have left. They were supposed to move to the city together, and go to those outdoor concerts Cas always talked about, and spend days at the beach! He sighed, and chewed on his lip. "Please Cas?" He wanted to make him feel safe again.
Cas watched him for a moment, biting his lip as well, before sighing and stepping past him. He wasn't sure if it was the best idea; he'd thought he'd just begun to get over Dean, and now, not only did he have old feelings rising up, but a new picture of the man to keep him up at night. Stronger, taller, even more gorgeous than before. And Cas would have to repair himself all over again. Being a prostitute didn't really leave much room for trust in anyone, and who was to say that, if they managed to get back together, Dean wouldn't just leave again?
Still, Cas slid off his jacket, handing it to Dean's waiting hand and glancing wearily to the money on the table, "I can't take your money," he told the other (like an idiot). But, he couldn't. It was more than twice the normal amount, and Cas wasn't doing anything in return. Plus, he didn't want Dean's help. He didn't want Dean's anything right now, the doubt still fresh in his mind. He glanced at the clock and continued speaking, even though he saw Dean begin to protest, "I can't stay long; you only asked for an hour," he muttered, his gaze returning to Dean's, "I have...other things to do," he elaborated.
More like other people, Cas tacked on the list of things he'd probably have to do tonight internally and suppressed a shudder at the thought of what he'd have to do to make up this money. Maybe he'd get to leave early, if Dean didn't have much to say. What could he? Why was he doing this in the first place? He'd shown a long, long time ago that Cas meant nothing to him. What was Dean getting out of all this? Did he feel guilty and just want to clear his conscience? His gaze turned suspicious as he thought it over, his body tensing defensively.
Dean let off a quiet sigh when hearing that Cas was still leaving at seven. "Can I have my hour to explain things to you? About why I left Kansas?" He asked. "I saved up this money for you. Please, you've gotta take it. I know, you probably don't want my help, but please. You look so tired. You look so uneasy. I could get you a job at the coffee shop Sam's girlfriend runs in town. If you never want to see me again after tonight, so be it. But please, let me help you. You deserve nothing more but to get to rest, and relax. You're better than this, Cas. Please." He tried.
Dean felt the anger bubbling up inside him. He hated himself for leaving. He hated that he left Cas with no explanation. He was just so scared at the time... "She, uh. She said she was pregnant, Cas. She said it was mine, but it wasn't. Her and I were a one night thing at a party in sophomore year, and it ended up with her putting up the kid for adoption. She wouldn't let me see him except for that first night after she had him." He closed the door behind Cas, still trying to read him. He wondered if he should continue. "I left because I knew that if she found out you and I were together after coming back to town, she'd tell your parents. I didn't want you to have to deal with all of that. I was trying to protect you, and by the time I got the balls to explain everything, you were sleeping with that Balthazar kid, and he told me not to talk to you. I showed up with flowers a two weeks after, Cas. He told me you didn't want me any more, and I knew that's what I deserved." His voice cracked, and he stepped closer, looking down at Cas' beautiful face. "I know you hate me, and I'm so sorry, Cas. I shouldn't have left, and I shouldn't have let her control me like that. I was a 17 year old boy, just trying to do the right thing and be a good father. I wanted to be more than what my dad ever was for Sammy and I, and I didn't get the chance any way. She took that from me too. She took me away from you, and then she gave up my son without my consent. She forged the papers.." He shook his head. "Cas, I'm so sorry.." His tone was full of pain, and remorse.
Maybe Ben wasn't biologically his, but that didn't change anything. The feelings were there. His feelings were real. He felt the moisture in his eyes, trickling down now. "I'm crying! I'm sorry. God, I'm crying-" He felt like a child. He grew quiet and turned away.
Cas' face softened despite his best interest, and he stepped closer, taking Dean's face in his hands and wiping away the tears. It felt so natural, even after all this time, and he suddenly felt a certain unjustified resentment toward Balthazar. Of course, Dean was his ex boyfriend. He couldn't blame the man. "I don't hate you, Dean," Cas murmured, shaking his head as he stared at the Winchester, a sad smile tugging at his lips, "I never hated you, I never got over you. I don't believe I would've had a moment's peace if I hadn't forgiven you a long time ago," he admitted, chewing on his lip, "You would have made a great father, Dean," Cas assured him quietly, considering the Winchester was obviously still upset over it.
He sighed and dropped his hands to Dean's shoulders, unable to stop touching him now that he already had. It had been a long time, "It's not that easy for me to just pick up and leave, Dean, you have to understand that," Cas told him, holding his green gaze with a little difficulty. He swallowed, "Anna was diagnosed with cancer a few months after you and I broke up, and my father left us after that," he started, his gaze dropping, "Michael was...very persistent on me taking this job to help pay her medical bills, and he wouldn't exactly be forgiving if I just left without his consent," Cas decided not to let Dean know just what Michael would do to him if he pulled such a stunt. The bruises from last time when he'd blown off a client had only healed a few days ago. "It makes money.. And you hurt me. You hurt me so much... How am I supposed to just come back?" Cas asked, the thoughts of it all buzzing around his head. It was overwhelming. He was growing anxious to feel him closer. God, why couldn't he ever just tell Dean no?
Dean held Cas' hand that was on his face, with his own, gently. He closed his eyes, just listening to him speak. His voice was so fluid, and it brought him so much relief. 'I never hated you' Cas said. Dean whined, and closed his eyes tighter. "God, I missed you." He said, before he started speaking again. He listened though. To every syllable, every word, every millisecond of the honey combed voice that was streaming into his ears. He missed Castiel's eyes, and wouldn't deny himself the pleasure of looking into them now. He opened his own, to see them again. They were still so piercing, and astonishing... He breathed in sharply.
Thoughts of his son, and all of the things they could've done together flooded through him. "I miss him. I held him only a few times, but I miss him so much. I wonder if he's okay. Every day, I think about him. He was my Ben. My Ben..." He shook his head. "Cas, I used to sit up at night, all the time, I did it again last night, and wonder if I could've found him, and maybe fixed things with you. Maybe we could've had a family. I didn't ever ask if you wanted kids, but I always hoped you'd love him all the same, just like I did..." He said, leaning closer to Cas now. He could feel the other's heat radiating out to him. He wanted him closer. He wanted to hold him.
"Oh-!" Dean melted into his touch in embarrassment it seemed like. "Cas, I'm not asking you to move in, I mean, I'd be happy if you did, but we've only just met again. I'd never put you under that pressure. I wouldn't want to put you in the spotlight like that. I'd never guess that you'd come back... I don't deserve you back. I was a coward. I should've talked... 'talked to you. 'Shouldn't have left-" He held him like he was the most precious thing in the world, because to Dean, he was. He craddled his head to his chest, and pulled him close, with ease. "Castiel... I know, I know. I know you can't just leave. I didn't ask you over to come back to me. Although, I'd absolutely love that." He exclaimed, but then settled down again. His tone grew tender and pure. "I just wanted you to know that I'm here to help, in whatever way you want. I know you don't need me, but I worry. I love you, Castiel Novak. I love you, and I feel personally responsible for every cut and bruise on your beautiful pale skin. Please, let me help. I know it's a hard business to leave, but getting a job out side of it is a very good first step. I want you to take that money when you leave today, if nothing else, alright, baby?" He asked.
Immediately, he felt guilty. "I'm sorry. It's still just natural- I'm sorry- I didn't mean to." He was crimson in the face. He felt his cheeks burning. "Cas, I'm sorry. I'm all over you.. I'm so sorry. I must be making you so uncomfortable-" He tried to untangle himself from Cas, but hoped he'd ask him to quit fidgeting and tug him close again.
Cas rolled his eyes, his hands moving back up to either side of Dean's face as he forced him to look back at him. Dean's words still rang in his ears, 'I love you,' and Cas' heart was racing as he leaned up to Dean, pressing his lips to the other's softly as his fingers tangled in his hair. Cas melted into Dean, forgetting just how nice his lips felt against Cas', how perfectly they fit and how warm he was altogether. He pressed himself closer to Dean and broke the kiss after a minute or so, his cheeks flushed slightly and breathing hitched, "I love you as well, Dean Winchester," he murmured, his thumbs brushing over his cheekbones lightly. His lips still tingled from the kiss, and he wanted to do it again, but he restrained himself for now. He wanted Dean back in his life. He was so sweet. He'd thought about him all this time?
"Michael will be furious with me for leaving," Cas reminded him quietly, suppressing a shudder at the thought, "But, if you do wish to help...I would greatly appreciate it," he agreed with a short nod, debating whether or not this would become a decision he'd live to regret. Deciding it to be worth it, he took the envelope from the coffee table, and put it in his back pocket. He so didn't deserve the money, as Michael had made him. He was nothing; just a source of income, as he'd been for the last few years, and the Cas that Dean was wanting back was long gone, but...Cas couldn't bring himself to leave the the Novak house like a smart man would've. Dean deserved so much better, but he was saying he wanted Cas, and to be honest, Cas would be a fool not to take that offer, he thought, deciding that Dean was worth it, even if it would end in his heart getting broken again. Because there was always the possibility that he wouldn't. Because he knew they had something special. It never made sense that Dean just left.
Dean felt Cas' lips on his own and he was floating. He wanted to chirp in utter happiness, but instead, and found himself pulling at Cas' white button up. He felt his hands tangling into his hair, and he couldn't help but smile after Cas had leaned back a little. Dean listened to the warnings Cas laid out though. "I don't want to do anything as drastic as ask you to move in, but if... If I got you that job, and I picked up a few extra hours at the shop, we could make the payments to your brother. This house is paid off. The car's mine. All we'd need is a few bucks for food each week. The rest, your brother can have. Tell me, is it possible?" He asked, kissing at Cas' face. "I missed you, God, I missed you. I'm so sorry." He held him close again, his hands groping desperately at the smaller man's frail frame, and at his shoulders. "Castiel, let me fix it. Let me help you..." Now he held Cas' face. He looked down into his eyes. They were so pretty. They always had been. "Castiel..." He said again.
He loved the way his name sounded in his mouth. He hadn't said it aloud in so long, in fear that Sam would start up the jokes again. Sam never knew how in love Cas and Dean really were. Cas was the only person that sex was of no importance with. "Cas, I want you to be able to come home and kick your feet up. I want your tummy to be full, and your biggest concern to be which book you'll start that day, with your coffee in hand. Two sugars, just the way you like it." He kissed his cheek, and then stopped speaking again.
He wanted to kiss him again, on the lips, but was afraid Castiel didn't want that. He was afraid to take the initiative with anything. Castiel was always so fragile, and he didn't want him to be scared, even though he had every right to be. "I love you." He concluded his speech now. "I love you, and I've got nothing. My life is a clean slate. Sammy moved out last week. I'm going to be in this lonely house for days on end. It drives me crazy not having any one here with me. The offer's there." He said, stepping back. "Do you have other appointments tonight? I don't know if we have time for dinner now... I made some pasta, and some chicken if you're interested." He said, sweetly, and looked to the kitchen. "I finally learned to use the stove!" He giggled. He wondered if Cas would noticed the burn marks from the fire that raged up from the meal he'd made a few weeks ago... It was a slow process, learning how to cook.
Cas grinned as well, although not liking the space between them. He nodded, "I do have other appointments tonight," he answered, biting his lip with shame as he glanced at the clock. It had been nearly 45 minutes. He scratched his jaw, the stubble under his nails reminding him that he needed to shave, and he stepped closer to Dean, his hands resting on his chest, tracing the hard muscles beneath the fabric of his shirt, "As for your earlier offer, I would love to move in with you, Dean," Cas told him without thinking, only going on the gut feeling as he gave a small smile. It would already be hard enough to leave right now, let alone rarely see Dean because he tried living on his own instead, now that Dean was back in his life. It'd be money out of the checks for Michael. There's no point in paying rent if you don't gotta.
He kissed Dean again, this time a little less desperately. His arms wrapped around Dean's neck, knowing he had to go soon to his other clients and not wanting to. Instead, he wanted to kiss Dean until the world ended, and he gripped the back of his shirt tight as he moved his lips against Dean's, almost wishing he'd take control like he always had when they were growing up but also not sure if he was ready for it yet, knowing he'd always have the intense doubts in the back of his mind that came with his job. He rested his forehead against Dean's when he broke away again, "I love you," he whispered, his eyes sliding closed, "I've missed you so much it hurt, nearly every day of my life, and I love you."
Dean stared over at the dinner table. He'd made such a big meal, to sit alone, by himself at the table again tonight. He shook his head, and let his hands turn into fists. He was so lonely. He wanted Cas to stay. "When's your last appointment, baby?" He asked, taking his acceptance of the moving in as justification for his previous actions. "Mm-!" He felt Cas at his lips again, and held his sides, swaying back and forth with caution. "Mm..." He kissed his bottom lip gently, and nipped softly there too. "I love you." He replied. "I love you too, and I"m sorry. 'So sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry.." He held the back of Cas' head and closed his eyes again. "I'm sorry. It's all my fault, I'm so sorry.."
He played with his hair and kept him swaying. He felt Cas' anxiety rising, along with his own. When Cas would get upset, he used to hold him so close, and rock him gently, to sleep. He would curl up to Dean, and hug around his neck. Dean would sway their weight from left to right, and whisper little nothings to him, and make him giggle until all the tears had fallen away. "Angel..." He tried. "Why don't you come back home tonight? What time do you get off? I'd much rather know that you make it home alright."
He wondered if Michael ever grew out of his angry phase... He'd had to set him straight a time or two back in the day. He didn't like that Michael still had Cas under his thumb even ten years later. He could only imagine the terrible things the man had done to his poor Castiel... He squeezed him tighter.
Castiel furrowed his brow, adding up the hours quickly. It was a busy night, as he remembered, but Dean needn't know that. "I should be home by 2, assuming all goes well," which, it rarely did, but Cas hoped that maybe he'd be able to catch something of a break with Dean's money. He didn't want to go, didn't want to leave the safety of Dean's arms that had felt so familiar, that hadn't changed in its calming effects on Castiel since high school.
"I'll come back to your house," he agreed, biting his lip and eyes sliding open as he looked up at the Winchester. The azure peeked out at Dean. Dean smiled, but listened closely still to Cas as he spoke, "I don't believe Michael would be too happy about you coming over in the middle of the night," he gave a small, sad smile, looking at the clock once more as if hoping time had stopped. It hadn't, and Cas kissed Dean a final time before wrapping his arms around his neck, holding him close for a moment, "I'm sorry," he whispered, shaking his head and squeezing him, "I love you." he untangled himself from Dean's arms reluctantly, grabbing his coat off one of the dining room chairs and glancing back for a moment before he shut the door behind him.
Dean sighed, covering his face with his hands. He tugged at the sides of his hair in desperation. The house fell quiet again. It was always so quiet! He walked to the table, and sat down at the empty table. There were two plates out, and two sets of utensils. He left the ones set out for Cas, and ate by himself in the silence of the paid off, lonely, damned house.