Whee! Okay, This couldn't really be counted as a proper fanfiction, considering This is 100% CRACK. It's based off a list I found on my good friend, FlyingHigh13's profile, entitled "84 ways to annoy Edward". As I was reading it, I imagined myself doing these things and decided I was going to write a one-shot for each reason there was. THESE IDEAS FOR ANNOYING EDWARD ARE NOT MINE. I am not claiming any ownership over them at all, so don't go saying "that was my idea!" because I have NO CLUE as to who came up with these okay? The only thing I came up with was the events that take place in the story. I don't own Twilight either.
Good now that we have that settled:
-Ways to annoy Edward #1: Prance around the house singing "Like a Virgin by Madonna" when everyone and Bella is around to hear it.
Ahh Forks, Washington. A cold, small town that was dappled with forests and graced with marbly-grey skies that hung like a sheet overhead. The Sun was nearly unheard of in the cloudy area, and rain was common visitor. It was peaceful for the people living there, almost dull even, each one living a quiet lifestyle.
"EDWARD CULLEN!"
That is, for the humans of course.
"WHAT?" The bronze-haired god shouted back at the offending voice, sticking his head out of his bedroom. There standing in front of him, was a very irritated Alice. She had her hands on either side of her hips, tapping her foot impatiently. Edward looked back at the pixie with bleary eyes, having just gotten up from watching Bella sleep in his bed. Her found her so beautiful when she slept, he made her stay over at his house last night just so he wouldn't have to leave her side. How sweet.
"Do you know who this is?" She asked, pulling a little girl from behind her back. She looked about thirteen, but was short, hence the "little" and had extremely dark brown hair kept in a bun. She had pale skin and was looking up at him with big dark brown eyes through blue-rimmed glasses. Her frame was dwarfed by a grey hoodie with Michigan written in navy across it. It was a normal-sized hoodie, but it swallowed her up like nothing, hanging loosely around her and falling to mid-thigh. Edward blinked. Once. Twice. Then bluntly stated,
"No... I don't." The girl dramatically gasped in shock, and looked at him in mock hurt. Edward and Alice both raised an eyebrow at the girl's reaction, and shared a look before turning back to her.
"Edward! How could you not know who I am? And after I came all the way here from Texas!" She pouted, crossing her arms and looking away from him as if she were disgusted. Once again, Edward blinked. Once. Twice. Three times. He tried to read her mind, but all he got were the jumbled up thoughts of her ranting about how disgusted she was with him. He turned to Alice and mouthed "What happened?".
Alice sighed, then looked back at the pouting girl. She started speaking, not taking her eyes off her. "I had a vision that I have been trying to keep from you the last few days." She paused, and he nodded in agreement, noticing the block she's had on her mind. "I saw you, and this girl. You were practically fuming, and she was grinning like a Cheshire cat. They rest of us were laughing our asses off." She finished with a chuckle. Edward's eye twitched in irritation, not finding that particularly funny.
"Sigh, Edward, if you wanted to know what happened, you could've just asked me." The brunette said simply, reaching her hand up high to clamp him on the shoulder. He stared at it, as if willing it to burn.
"Anyway, my name is Rachel. I came here because it's on my Top-Ten Things to do Before I Die list." She pulled out a crumpled piece of paper out of her hoodie's pocket and sure enough, it was there. Number 7: Spend Quality time with the Cullens Family.
"How do you even know us?" She gave another dramatic gasp and this time, reaching inside the hoodie and pulling out a thick, black book. Edward took the book out of her hands and read the title out loud to himself and Alice, who was trying to look over his shoulder and failing miserably.
"Twilight...?"
"Yeah! Geez Edward, EVERYBODY knows who you and your family are. This is one of the most popular books since Harry Potter!" She flipped the book in his hands over and his eyes widened when he saw the back. He looked back at her, mouth agape.
"You're saying there's a book about us?" Alice stole the book from his grasp and flipped to a random page, reading it intently. Soon after she shut the book and chucked it at Edwards head, hitting him square in the forehead. He stumbled back and fell to the ground, rubbing his head gently. Alice towered over him, which he found ironic, and glare at him with icy amber eyes.
"I can't believe you seduced Bella like that Edward! And so quick to practically STALK her too! I mean we knew it was bad but, really! Have you no shame, man?"
Rachel, on the other hand was watching from the sidelines, eating popcorn out of a large, movie-theatre bucket. Where did she get the popcorn you ask? From inside her hoodie of course...
Just then another head poked out of Edward's room, this time a messy brown haired girl with slightly flushed cheeks from just getting up.
"Edward? What's going on?" She asked sleepily, noticing he was cowering on the ground from Alice's wrath.
"Bella!" He shouted, then bolted up to her and partially hid behind her. Bella looked at him strangely, before noticing Rachel discard a bucket of popcorn and bounce towards them, much like a certain pixie, only hers was more of a sort of trot. She looked between Edward and the disheveled Bella before making a connection.
"Ooh! Edward you sly blood-sucker! Did you tap that? Alright man!" She said, holding her hand up high, waiting for a high-five that never came. Bella was blushing as always and Edward was giving her an incredulous look. Then, he exploded with embarrassment.
"What the- NO! I DID NOT 'TAP THAT'!"
Rachel blinked a few times, then recognition flashed in her eyes.
"Oh yeah! Your like a virgin Edward!" She exclaimed, pointing straight at him. Bella looked back at him in amusement, and Edward wanted to disappear then. It also didn't help that Alice was snickering in the background.
"Ha! Like a virgin, touched for the very first time~" Rachel started to sing, music coming from out of nowhere. "Like a virgin, when your heart beats next to mine~" She was dancing and prancing around the elegant hallway, causing the other Cullens to come out of their rooms and such. They all had wild grins on their faces when they realized what the little girl was singing, even Rosalie. Emmett on the other hand, was laughing out loud, having forgotten to tease Edward about dating Bella and being a virgin.
"Like a virgin, ooh ooh, Like a virgin, feels so good inside, when you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me~" Rachel continued singing, along with Emmett, who had joined in. Soon all the Cullens and Bella were laughing, all except poor Edward, who wished he could die right then and there.
His caught the girl's gaze for a second and he saw a malicious glint in her eye as she smiled creepily at him.
He gulped. I have a feeling she is going to make my life hell.
So, How did you like it? This is completely CRACK! So no flames THNKUVRYMCH. Review and tell me how I did!