Title: Little Moments

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: Chicago PD

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series. As have Mattie, Eli, and Henry.

Summary: This is a collection of stand-alone scenes from the past, present and future of the AU that has been established in the Interesting Dynamics series. Scenes are not chronological, nor is there an overarching plot. This collection of chapters is not likely to make much sense to readers who have not read the Interesting Dynamic series.

SPOILER ALERT: There are MAJOR spoilers in this collection from Interesting Dynamics, So This is Christmas, Scenes, Aftermath, So It Goes, The Way From Here, Hereafter, Onward Thankfully and Spring Forward (the story From the Get should be considered separately from this collection and does not influence where the characters are). There will also be occasional spoilers from (and references to) things that have happened in episodes from all seasons for the series, including S06 when it starts.

Jay cradled Mattie. At that point he knew he was working way harder to calm himself than he was to do any sort of calming of her. She was fine. She was working on drifting into a complete milk coma. And that was likely a good thing. It meant she might not even notice he was gone. That she'd just sleep through most of the next four hours and by the time she decided to start squirming and squawking again that him or Erin would be back there with her.

But even that knowledge – or hope – wasn't doing anything to make him put her down and relinquish control and get back to the hospital – as much as he knew he needed to be there and that his stalling was pushing him pretty close to being late. Assuming the doctors and access to the OR was actually running on time. But Erin would definitely be pissed at him if he wasn't back in time. And he'd likely never forgive himself if he wasn't there for Eli – and Erin – when they were taking in his infant son for the first of what sounded like was probably going to end up being many eye surgeries.

To make it worse – their babysitter was Hank. Which was technically fine. He knew that the guy had raised kids and dealt with babies and grandkids. He knew Hank knew how to deal with medical conditions and emergencies. And that if anyone was going to watch out for their kids, it'd be Hank. He was likely about as close to second-best Eli and Mattie could get when him or Erin couldn't be with them. But maybe that was thing – it felt like a real second-best type situation.

And it was just hard. It was the first time where it actually made sense to leave Mattie. Up to that point she was still having to go in for her own doctors' and various therapist appointments so much, that it almost pissed Jay off that they'd decided to release her. Separate the twins and just make the fucking juggling act more complicated for him and Erin too. Split the whole family up. And likely set up Mattie to be on a completely different schedule – and even farther ahead of Eli than she already was – by the time he got home. Though, they were both trying to kind of maintain at least the eat/sleep schedule the NICU nurses had going with Mattie so that her and Eli might still kind of match up when he got home. Fuck, if they didn't match up, Jay was pretty sure they were going to get even less sleep than they were now. Not that either of them were getting much sleep now. The one of them that spent the night home with Mattie actually likely sleeping less that the person who stayed with Eli right now. At least in the NICU the nurses helped with all of it, and didn't necessarily wake you if you'd managed to pass out when feed o'clock hit.

Right now Hank was just standing there and staring at him – at them. Jay couldn't read his look but he also wasn't trying to. The less he looked at him and let himself process that Hank was their best bet and best helper right now. Hank. And that they should be grateful for that help while it was there – however much longer he was caught up in administrative leave. As soon as he was back on the job and they had to work out this juggling at that much more – it was going to be even more complicated. And rather than standing there coaxing himself into putting Mattie into her bassinet and heading to the hospital, he'd likely be the one having to stay home with her while Erin was watching over Eli – alone at the hospital – on days like this. Because it wasn't like they had a lot of other people to ask to help with this. Or other people they'd trust.

Hank glanced at his watch and gave him another look.

Jay gently bounced Mattie against his chest, rubbing at her back and swaying with her. Being home – almost exclusively alone – with your newborn preemie, who wasn't even up to her original due date yet, was a completely different ball game than her five weeks in NICU. And just completely different than what he'd even considered bringing their twins home would look like. Jay had never fully considered there would be a circumstance where they would be bringing one baby home and the other was in the hospital. That him and Erin would be apart and figuring out how to do the new baby at home thing individually too.

"Umm …, so we really want to keep her on the NICU's feeding schedule," he told Hank. Again – because he wasn't oppose to repeating himself on this point – or pretty much any other when it came to his kids. "So every four hours," he pressed again and it got a smack from Hank, which he ignored. Jay glanced at his own watch and inwardly sighed. He needed to make himself go. "So, next feeding is at two. You wake her at two, you start the clock at two."

Hank just kept looking at him. No comment.

"Not when she's done feeding," Jay emphasized – again. "When you wake her. She's doing pretty good at sticking with that schedule but there's been a couple times where she's sleeping more like three and a half hours. So if she wakes up and is fussing at three and a half, feed her. But then start the clock on the next four hours when you do. We don't want to get her too out of whack. But the three and a half hour haul seems more to be her night feed. So you should probably be okay."

He got another smack at that.

"Umm …," Jay just ignored it and swayed a bit with Mattie over to the kitchen counter. "So, Erin typed out all the instructions about how to prepare her bottles." He gestured over at some of the paraphernalia they'd bought and been given for this whole bottle thing that seemed way more complicated than he'd ever anticipated too, especially with the special formula they were having to give her to try to keep her putting on weight. "It's really important it be the right temperature or it's really going to screw up her insides."

Hank gave him a look. "Realize I've done bottle duty before."

It was a statement – not a question. But Jay gave him a look right back. "Think some things have changed in the past fifteen to twenty-five years," he provided.

Hank nodded at him. "Think I can manage watching her sleep and giving her a couple bottles," he graveled at him.

"Yea, so," Jay said and wandered back over into their living room area that had pretty much exploded with baby stuff. He gestured at the bassinet that had taken up temporary residence there. "It's likely best if you just stay down here with her. She gets kind of fussy about the dark and quiet upstairs. I think she's just used to the activity and twenty-four hours light in NICU."

He actually got a small sound of acknowledgement about that from Hank.

Jay gestured over at the TV he already had set up on ESPN as background noise as a substitute for all that machinery and monitoring equipment and movement in hallways and medical staff in-and-out. He was starting to wonder if Mattie really would be absorbing all the sounds and she'd end up like Eth, knowing every random statistic about baseball and the Cubs ever. Or that it was going to be Mattie who'd be his sport buddy. Though, he thought he'd rather be taking her to Hawks games than the Cubs or Sox. But it was the World Cup he had on right now – and he'd really done maybe too much exhausted soul searching on if this was setting her up to be a soccer fan and how he'd feel about it if either of them wanted to play soccer. Then he'd had the thought that Eli maybe wouldn't be able to play and then had to stop and remind himself about Eth and RIC. But it all just caused a fucking lurching feeling in his stomach and tightness in his chest that he felt guilty about and horrible about and didn't want to think about on too many levels. And had switched gears to just thinking that if they wanted to play when they were little – he'd have to volunteer to coach.

And it was just all so fucking stupid. He was in some kind of exhausted delirium at this point.

"Ah, yeah," he stumbled again and lifted at some of the random crap he'd thrown into her bassinet when he'd shifted to feeding and holding her. And then answering the door and dealing with Hank – and still trying to get himself out the door. "So she seems to settle better with the TV on. Don't play with her too much after feeding her. You can try the mobile," he added and knocked it back into an upright position over the bassinet. "Or these things," he added and dangled one of the little rattle, teether, texture, crinkly things in his general direction. It got another smack.

"Jay," he rasped with this sternness. "We'll be fine. Go be with Erin and your son."

Jay hummed his own little acknowledgement. "She's pretty good," he said. "She really only fusses when she's hungry or needs a change." He shifted Mattie a bit, readying to put her down, and then muttered himself, "Shit."

He brought her back flush against his body and gave Hank another look, before reaching for the change pad draped over the couch and setting it on the floor.

"She needs a change," he told the guy. But then he shook his head and sighed. He knew if he changed her, Mattie was going to be wide awake again and wanting to be held and swayed before she started to drift off again. He wasn't going to have time to do that – and he knew too that he'd have trouble making himself leave (even more than he already was) if she was fussing.

He looked at Hank – waiting for him to offer to take care of it. But the offer didn't come.

"Can you handle this?" he asked, and pointed off at the box of diapers that also had taking up occupancy in their living room.

For all the time they'd put into getting the nursery ready, they were nearly eight weeks into having the kids and hadn't yet made anything that resembled a real use of it. It wasn't even being used as a storage center. It was just too much trouble to be going up to grab stuff when the baby was wailing downstairs. And, he'd learned within the first three days of having Mattie home that it wasn't worth trying to make her sleep in there. She'd pretty much decided she hated the dark and quiet up there. Didn't matter if he left the blinds open or the lights on or put on the night light or cranked the music box or left his phone in there playing supposedly soothing baby white noise. The nursery definitely wasn't cutting it compared to her comfort level with their room at NICU. And he'd also considered what kind of long-term implications that was going to have with like sleep habits and getting personal space to themselves in the evenings as the twins got older. And it was probably going to be even worse with Eli. Though, his sleeping was all screwed up too at nights now that Mattie wasn't there. They could both tell their sibling wasn't sleeping in the next crib anymore.

Hank just glanced over at the box – and the fucking disaster zone their living space had become. Jay suspected that he was going to get back that night to find the place completely reorganized. He saw how Hank was with his own living space after Henry was taken home. And how he still barked at Eth about picking up after himself – for something as simple as a glass left on the coffee table or the tablet and homework sitting in the corner of the dining table. Everything had a place in that house – and the bullpen. This 'mess' was likely going to be driving Hank nuts. It was Jay too but at least right now he knew where everything was and it was within reach when he was alone with a squawking, squirming baby. So he really hoped Hank didn't decide he was going to be some kind of uninvited maid while he watched his granddaughter. The thought actually made him think he might press Erin to come home that night. To deal with her dad – and to sleep on a real bed. Or at least couch. Besides, Jay thought he was going to have as much trouble pulling himself away from Eli's bedside after his laser surgery as he was putting down Mattie right now.

"She's going to need her diaper changed," Jay put to him more directly. "Eat, sleep, poo. That's pretty much what she does right now."

That got another smack. Jay eyed him.

"You know how to change a diaper …," Jay said. He tried to keep it in a 'said' statement and not a question, as he tried to wrack his tired mind. He was sure he must've seen him change Henry's diaper at some point. He must. And he really doubted from what he did know about Hank's wife that she'd be the kind of person who would've tolerated doing all the diaper duty. That wouldn't even be realistic. How would that even be possible.

And why didn't they fucking thing to ask that? They got the guy the training for baby CPR and her discharge instructions for her breathing. He'd seemingly happily (as much as Hank was ever happy) come in for that training session at Med. But they fucking just assumed he could change a diaper. He'd raised three kids. He had a grandkid already. Should've they asked that? Was his daughter going to be spending her day sitting in a pile of shit (and not just the crap spewed across the whole living room)?

"Not in this situation," Hank graveled.

Okay, another inward sight – of relief. "Okay, well, she's not as small as she was so—"

"Know how to change a preemies diaper," Hank cut him off. "Haven't changed her diaper."

Jay stared, still not quite processing. He was going to have to get a coffee or energy drink or something before Eli's surgery or he wasn't going to hear what the hell any of the doctors or Erin were saying to him. He'd be fucking useless. Thought he'd dealt with shell-shock before. Fatigue and exhaustion before. But baby shell-shock and exhaustion is a whole different beast – that even the Rangers don't remotely accurately give you any fucking sense and preparation for.

He was sure too that Hank must've watched him and Erin or the nurses change both the babies. It seemed to happen like seven times a day.

"Okay," he managed. "So now you get to. I really need to—"

"Haven't changed a girl's diaper," Hank put more directly.

And Jay stared again. Blankly. And then he glanced at Mattie. She was almost completely out. He sighed, though, and gestured at Hank to come over to the change pad.

He put Mattie down carefully – and she definitely wasn't almost asleep anymore. Her eyes pooped back open and she started her stretching and squirming. But he made himself get up and go and grab a clean diaper. Hank had managed to get on his knees in front of Mattie – and was already completely ignoring the don't over-stimulate her when she's almost asleep rule. She was getting a whole lot less sour face than Jay had been getting the past twenty minutes. And he was tickling at her belly before unsnapping her onesie. At least he had that down.

Though, Jay kind of got it. He thought he'd be leery about changing a girl too. But ended up being Erin who was more worried about it than him. That she didn't want to be the 'one responsible for her getting her first UTI.'

She seemed much more comfortable dealing with Eli. Which was fine. Mattie was a squirmer – but she didn't consistently piss on him, which Eli seemed pretty committed to doing every time he had changed him. Erin had the whole right temperature, cover it quick thing down to a better science than him. Not to mention for someone who lacked a penis she had a whole lot more commentary on not aggravating his foreskin with the wipes and which way Eli's dick should be pointing when the diaper got strapped around him. She'd then felt the need to back-up her apparently expertise on boys' diapers with about Eth and diaper blow-outs with explosive poop and errand upward pointed penises that resulted in everyone around him getting soaked with pee coming through the waist of the diaper.

He held out the diaper at Hank. "It's not that complicated," he said.

He actually thought it was way less complicated than all Erin's requirements about supposedly proper boy baby diaper changing. The nurses had pretty much only presented a single piece of common sense advice. Though, he wasn't sure Hank wanted to hear it, given the smack and the look he got at the complications comment.

But Hank took the diaper – and demonstrated some diaper changing sense. He at least got the tabs undone. Jay glanced behind himself and nudged the box of wipes closer to the two of them with his foot. But found Hank just looking up at him. Hank Voight – acting fucking clueless about something. Almost glad he lived to see that day. And it was as simple at this.

"So front to back," Jay said and nudged the wipe box with his foot again. "That's it. Just avoid getting any in her … creases."

Hank gave him a smack at that but grabbed a wipe. And went at it – like Hank went at most things. Hard core – and it showed as soon as he finished his downward swipe and pulled the wipe away. He'd managed splat all Mattie's runny plop of shit pretty much right into her girl parts.

"Okay," Jay said with a shake of his head. "I'll let Erin know you've just advanced in the standings as the one to be most likely to give her her first urinary tract infections."

That got another smack and a bigger glare.

Jay just gestured at Mattie's flailing kicks, though. She seemed totally undeterred by the fact her grandfather was smearing poop in all the wrong places. She actually decided to help the situation by deciding to take a leak right then too. And boy baby reaction times that Jay had seen in Erin took over Hank, the new diaper getting dropped on top of her quickly. But that trick didn't do much of anything with a girl.

Jay snorted a restrained laugh and pointed at her legs. "Just lift her up a bit by her ankles while you're cleaning her."

Hank exhaled some clear annoyance but did that and Jay watched for a moment while he tried to get the situation under control.

That was enough. It'd be okay. He'd be okay. Mattie was okay now. And he needed to leave while all of them were distracted. And so he'd get to the hospital to have the time to tell her about the show he'd seen. He likely should've videoed it.

At least now she wouldn't have to worry about her being the only one who getting Mattie's poop in places poop shouldn't be. Looked like Hank was doing a real good job at that. Including the change pad and the back bottom of her onesie and likely the carpet where he was dropping the dirty wipes. It looked like he was aiming at using the rest of the box that had been put in front of him.

"So, washing machine's upstairs and clothes are …," he moved around the living room again and kicked gently at a laundry basket of clean – but completely not folded – baby gear. "Don't be too hard on your grandpa, Mattie," he called back at them, get another grunt out of Hank. And he hesitated at the top of the stairs for another moment – just staring at her still squirming around on the floor. And then he made himself step down the first stair, turning his back. It was one of the harder steps he'd had to take in his life. And that might've surprised him eight weeks ago – but it didn't now. He did wonder, though, how much harder it felt before it got easier. Or if it eve really did.

AUTHOR NOTE:

Shorter break than anticipated but don't take that to mean anything about things getting posted regularly.

Also please note that right now this isn't intended to be the set of chapters/scenes that are set in the future that I've mentioned. Those ones will be set sometime when the kids are 3-7 years old. I haven't decided on their ages or the exact context yet. But it will be posted as a separate story if/when it happens.

Right now this is just going to be used as a placeholder for random scenes from the AU. They likely aren't going to be in any kind of order. And they aren't necessarily gong to all be in the same timeframe. Like they aren't all going to be while the babies are newborns. You might get random ones set farther ahead in the future and their lives. And I might jump back to previous/past scenes and moments from the AU (that don't fit well into other stories already posted). And they aren't all just going to be Jay/Erin. There will be ones that are focused solely just Ethan or Hank or a combination of characters. Some might be inspired by episodes or recasting scenes and dialogues from the episodes into this AU (past seasons and when the new one starts). And I suspect a lot of them will be shorter and generally "lighter" (though not necessarily fluffier) than what I usually write. But who knows.

It will just kind of be a placeholder story that scenes/chapters get added as I feel like and have time to write something. Keep in mind it isn't meant to be a "story" with a progressing plot or destination, etc. It won't be chronological. It will just be what it is.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Hopefully some of you will enjoy this for what it is.