Ai shiteru. Once, I asked what it meant. It can't be translated into
English, it's not a word or a phrase, it's a concept. It's nothing so
simple as "I love you". There's nothing inherently sexual in it either.
Seeing two mortally wounded brothers crawl painfully toward each other on a
battlefield proves that.
It goes so much deeper than lust, or loyalty. It's more of "I am your willing slave and serf. I would crawl naked over burning oil and razor glass if you were wounded, just to reach you." To say it is not like giving some one your heart. Broken hearts mend. To say it is like giving someone your soul, with the choice of ripping your essence to shreds, or mending the rips back together.
Is that why it scares me? To have it said to you - to have someone willingly give over their entire being into your mortal, clumsy hands would be the ultimate expression of their trust. It would also be the absolute ego builder. To have someone unreservedly support you should give you the greatest confidence possible in human nature, or even something beyond that. I imagine, anyway. But to have that kind of power over someone is frightening too. And to say it to someone, when you don't know if they return your feelings - How? Especially since it has so many other coarse concepts tacked onto it in our modern day. Like lust.
So many people automatically assume that ai shiteru means you want and need to go to go to bed with them. So saying it to someone of the same sex is even worse... How could I give myself over to someone, anyone, so completely? The closest in English I can find to it is unconditional love, but the term isn't quite the same. To utterly surrender yourself - how alien a concept to me. No one has ever gotten beneath all of my masks. Most can't get past the first one, the one of complete openness and honesty. Surprising how so many people are wholly fooled by it. So many things you can hide out in the open... Sometimes I think no one can ever get past all of my defenses. Most of the time I tell myself that's what I want. But if I were brutally honest, I'd be able to recognize the fact that I *want* someone to strip me more completely than physical nudity ever could. Maybe that's why I consider telling Him how I feel.
To have someone know you that well, and still accept you, even love you back, would be so wonderful. And so unknown. Always, always have I held onto the hope that someone would see my facade for what it was and care enough to see what's *really* inside. But no one ever has. No one ever will. Do I want to expose myself to so much pain? No. Yes. All I know: I ai shiteru. And that's all I can hold to my heart. I hope I can treasure it in my soul forever.
Ai shiteru Heero. Now, forever, always.
It goes so much deeper than lust, or loyalty. It's more of "I am your willing slave and serf. I would crawl naked over burning oil and razor glass if you were wounded, just to reach you." To say it is not like giving some one your heart. Broken hearts mend. To say it is like giving someone your soul, with the choice of ripping your essence to shreds, or mending the rips back together.
Is that why it scares me? To have it said to you - to have someone willingly give over their entire being into your mortal, clumsy hands would be the ultimate expression of their trust. It would also be the absolute ego builder. To have someone unreservedly support you should give you the greatest confidence possible in human nature, or even something beyond that. I imagine, anyway. But to have that kind of power over someone is frightening too. And to say it to someone, when you don't know if they return your feelings - How? Especially since it has so many other coarse concepts tacked onto it in our modern day. Like lust.
So many people automatically assume that ai shiteru means you want and need to go to go to bed with them. So saying it to someone of the same sex is even worse... How could I give myself over to someone, anyone, so completely? The closest in English I can find to it is unconditional love, but the term isn't quite the same. To utterly surrender yourself - how alien a concept to me. No one has ever gotten beneath all of my masks. Most can't get past the first one, the one of complete openness and honesty. Surprising how so many people are wholly fooled by it. So many things you can hide out in the open... Sometimes I think no one can ever get past all of my defenses. Most of the time I tell myself that's what I want. But if I were brutally honest, I'd be able to recognize the fact that I *want* someone to strip me more completely than physical nudity ever could. Maybe that's why I consider telling Him how I feel.
To have someone know you that well, and still accept you, even love you back, would be so wonderful. And so unknown. Always, always have I held onto the hope that someone would see my facade for what it was and care enough to see what's *really* inside. But no one ever has. No one ever will. Do I want to expose myself to so much pain? No. Yes. All I know: I ai shiteru. And that's all I can hold to my heart. I hope I can treasure it in my soul forever.
Ai shiteru Heero. Now, forever, always.