Fallout
The tears were different and never mind
how soft I kissed her, how hard
she leaned her head against
the fabled myth of shoulders. This time
when she cried it was like war.
As he entered the bridge, Mal stopped short. Zoe was standing over the pilot's chair, head bowed, seemingly lost in thought. Unsure, Mal froze. Staring down the barrel of a gun was easy, but when facing Zoe's grief he became uncertain. Words of comfort stuck in his throat.
"Evening, Captain." Zoe kept her back to him.
"You miss him." Mal immediately cursed himself. Stupid thing to say.
"You have no idea, sir." Zoe lovingly caressed the scarred and battered chair. "Haven't been able to breathe right since it happened. Some days I ain't sure I want to breathe at all."
The hollowness in her voice unnerved him more than the words she spoke. "Now, don't go talking that way. Wash wouldn't want it."
"No offense, sir, but I don't reckon Wash's able to want anything any more." Her grip on the chair tightened.
"Look Zoe, I don't rightly know what say. You know I ain't too much on talking about such things, but I think I am fairly tolerable listener."
"It's okay sir. I'll get by." She turned away from the chair, bumping the console as she made to move past Mal. A plastic dinosaur wobbled, then slid off the panel. Frozen, Zoe watched it fall to the floor. She didn't know why that simple action cut into her heart so, but it did. Maybe it was the sense of finality she felt when the toy came to rest. Whatever it was, it doubled her over like a shot to the gut. She stumbled.
"Zoe!" Mal reached out steadying her. "You okay?"
Her mouth moved, but no words came. She tried to push Mal aside. Instead she fell into him. Something inside her broke and the tears began to fall unabated. Not knowing what else to do, Mal folded his arms tightly around her. He could feel her pushing him away, yet clinging to him. Her sobs shook both of their bodies. To Mal it was like being back in the trenches, huddled together with artillery pounding the ground around them. Getting lost in the ebb and flow of battle would have been easy, but Zoe had kept him grounded. It occurred to him that in all their time together he had never seen her cry. Even after all they lost in Serenity Valley, Zoe remained stoic. She had always been his rock, his anchor. Now it was his turn.
"Surrender, soldier," he said softly. "Let it go."
Kaylee poked her head through the door of the shuttle. "'Nara, can I come in?"
"Sure, sweetie."
Kaylee looked at the open suitcases on the bed. "You're leaving again." It was more of an accusation than a statement.
Inara sighed. "You know I can't stay honey."
"Cause of Mal?" Kaylee challenged. "You two need to quit dancing around and own up that you love each other."
Inara shrugged. "It's not that simple, Kaylee."
"Yes, it is."
"Oh, like you and Simon? You can't tell me that was simple."
"Me and Simon's totally different. He has River to worry over and a whole passel of folks breathing down his neck. Ain't nothing stopping you and Mal 'cept pride. Stupid stinking pride!" Tears began to form in Kaylee's eyes. "We're a family! And you're breaking it up. All cause you're too proud to say what's in your heart. Gorram it! Haven't we lost enough already?"
Inara looked hurt, but she took a step toward Kaylee. "I miss Book and Wash, too. Staying here won't change anything. It won't make losing them any less painful."
Kaylee threw herself into Inara's outstretched arms. "Maybe not, but it'll keep me from missing you, too. Maybe I don't feel like losing any one else. Especially you." She began to weep uncontrollably. She tried to fight it to hold it in, but Inara's arms closed around her breaking down the last defense. The tears were going to flow.
Inara kissed her softly on the forehead. "Please don't cry, sweetie. Don't cry over me." Though Kaylee felt a small measure of comfort it wasn't enough. She had reached the point of no return. The river of tears would have to run its course. Kaylee and Inara clung to one another to keep from being swept away.