A/N: a really weird hp parody that i wrote on a boredom streak. umm there's not really any disclaimer to write.. except some of the plot is jk's.
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One Saturday morning, Henry Notter opened his eyes. He couldn't tell if it was morning or not because he was lying in a bed made of tattered, hardly identifiable blankets inside the magically locked cupboard of his evil Aunt Delila's house. He lived with his obese aunt, bony Uncle Bernie, and equally bony *if not more* cousin Spudley. Henry's parents were dead, and had been his whole life. His relatives never talked about them, although he didn't know why.
Henry himself had stringy pale brown hair and was very tan and muscular, although he was only eleven. People often said he'd gotten everything in looks but nothing at all in power, because although he wasn't allowed to attend Wizarding school yet, he'd never shown any sign of magic. Spudley had, though, and made the fact very well known. Spudley was the most popular person in the magical neighborhood. None of the other boys would dare upset Spudley because he was also the biggest bully. He beat up everyone except Henry, because Henry was big and strong and scary. In fact, Henry was the most unpopular boy because everyone was scared of him. He wasn't unpopular among girls, though. Unfortunately, he didn't like talking to girls because he thought they were icky (hey, he's only eleven). The only thing Henry really, really liked was to draw and paint and imagine. He was a big art fan.
"GET UP!" boomed his Aunt Delila. She kicked the cupboard, causing it to unlock. Little did she know that Henry's biceps could punch out the door whenever he pleased. He got up, washed his hands and face, and went to breakfast. Uncle Bernie said, "I have an announcement to make." He stood up and banged his head on the ceiling (he was extremely tall as well as bony) and cursed loudly. Spudley ran to help him, but before he knew it his bony elbow had hit his father right in the eye. He flew across the room as Bernie smacked his behind. He landed with a slight "boop" on the floor.
Bernie finally recovered. He sat down to make his announcement. He said, "Well, Spudley, it's time for you to go to Hogshorts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! I've gotten your uniform ordered in." He chucked something at the boy. Spudley caught it, and his face lit up. The uniform consisted of sickly green robes, pukish green shorts, and a white t-shirt.
"Not very classy, are they," commented Henry.
"Shut up, boy!" barked Uncle Bernie.
As long as he could remember, Henry's relatives had treated him like this. It was because he was different. While Spudley was in the street changing the color of the house with his Prep Wand, Spudley sat miserably and tried to change something, anything at all, a different color. He'd tried a number of things, but he just couldn't do it. He wondered if there was something wrong with him.
"Oh yes, Henry, here's your Jobuttons uniform," said Aunt Delila with a slight sneer. Jobuttons wasn't a very great Wizarding School. It was known for picking its students by appearance alone, not brains. No one learned much at Jobuttons, and students were encouraged to have co-ed sleepovers in the dorm.
Aunt Delila distastefully threw a bundle of clothes at Henry, and he spread them out. It looked at if the uniform was a sparkly purple thong, knee-length hot pink robes, and a bikini top to match the thong. "Umm..." he said.
Aunt Delila looked amused. "Oops," she said and smiled. "I think I got the female uniform. Let me order a male one." Scared of what it might be, Henry watched apprehensively as she gathered it up, threw it in the air and pointed her wand at it. "MALIO! JOBUTTONS UNIFORMUS!" she bellowed, and there was a snap as it transformed in midair and landed on the ground. Henry cautiously walked over and picked up the bundle. He unwrapped it. The uniform consisted of a floor-length, genuine mink fur robe with an exaggerated collar and cuffs, complete with several silver necklaces. Underneath he was to wear a tight white tank top and pale brown boxers. Uncle Bernie looked at the ensemble doubtfully. "THAT is a UNIFORM?!"
Spudley, who liked girls (his hormones' arrival was evident from the acne covering his bony face), was secretly jealous. He wanted a uniform like Henry's.
"Ugh," said Henry miserably. He hated it. He'd rather wear the puke green robes. He didn't want to go to Jobuttons. He dreaded it.
Suddenly someone knocked at the door. "I'll get it!" shouted Henry, eager to get out of sight of his obscene uniform. He opened the door to find a queer man dressed in blue and white, carrying a large brown bag. "No, not interested," said Henry, and began to close the door, when the man reached out and held it open. "Wait!" he said. His voice was oddly high pitched. "It's just the mail. I've got a letter here for," he peered at a large envelope's writing, "Mister Henry Notter." Henry jumped. He'd never gotten a letter before, unless you count all the girls' love letters. But those had all been delivered the normal way, by owl. "That's me!" he said.
The man looked at him strangely. "Um, ok, here," he said, and ran off down the street.
Henry looked after him. Who was that man? And why didn't an owl bring me this letter? He'd never seen the likes of anyone delivering mail at a doorstep before. Hmmm, he thought.
Henry was smart enough to know that his uncle would immediately take away a letter addressed to him, so he stuffed it in his pocket. He walked into the family room where his disgusting uniform was, shrugged and said "wrong house," scooped up his uniform, and dashed to his cupboard. He switched on the [magically enhanced so it didn't need electricity] Muggle light bulb he'd stolen from the Muggle Studies professor down the street, locked the door from the inside, and took out his mysterious letter. His eyes grew wide as he started to read:
Dear Mr. Notter,
You are scheduled to start school at the Academy for Artistic Talent in Los Angeles, California on the first of September. Please pick up your things (your parents bought them for you; you've been on the list to come since you were born) in Chinatown before coming. You can catch Flight 389 at the London Airport on the twenty-seventh of August. Please, be aware of the dress code and rules such as:
-no drugs
-no alcohol
-no co-ed sleepovers
-no sleepovers period
-tardiness is not tolerated
-no damaging school property (dormitories included!)
Thank you, and we look forward to seeing you September first.
Sincerely,
Allen Dumbone
Headmaster
Henry was startled. The Academy for Artistic Talent in Los Angeles, California? But, that was a Muggle school! Suddenly he remembered the Jobuttons uniform. Learn magic he couldn't do while wearing an ugly uniform or... go to a free American Muggle art school, learning about what he loved? Is there really any doubt?
"Art school, here I come!" muttered Henry happily.
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heee hee heee!! WOO this was interesting to write. please give me suggestions for the next chapter!
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One Saturday morning, Henry Notter opened his eyes. He couldn't tell if it was morning or not because he was lying in a bed made of tattered, hardly identifiable blankets inside the magically locked cupboard of his evil Aunt Delila's house. He lived with his obese aunt, bony Uncle Bernie, and equally bony *if not more* cousin Spudley. Henry's parents were dead, and had been his whole life. His relatives never talked about them, although he didn't know why.
Henry himself had stringy pale brown hair and was very tan and muscular, although he was only eleven. People often said he'd gotten everything in looks but nothing at all in power, because although he wasn't allowed to attend Wizarding school yet, he'd never shown any sign of magic. Spudley had, though, and made the fact very well known. Spudley was the most popular person in the magical neighborhood. None of the other boys would dare upset Spudley because he was also the biggest bully. He beat up everyone except Henry, because Henry was big and strong and scary. In fact, Henry was the most unpopular boy because everyone was scared of him. He wasn't unpopular among girls, though. Unfortunately, he didn't like talking to girls because he thought they were icky (hey, he's only eleven). The only thing Henry really, really liked was to draw and paint and imagine. He was a big art fan.
"GET UP!" boomed his Aunt Delila. She kicked the cupboard, causing it to unlock. Little did she know that Henry's biceps could punch out the door whenever he pleased. He got up, washed his hands and face, and went to breakfast. Uncle Bernie said, "I have an announcement to make." He stood up and banged his head on the ceiling (he was extremely tall as well as bony) and cursed loudly. Spudley ran to help him, but before he knew it his bony elbow had hit his father right in the eye. He flew across the room as Bernie smacked his behind. He landed with a slight "boop" on the floor.
Bernie finally recovered. He sat down to make his announcement. He said, "Well, Spudley, it's time for you to go to Hogshorts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! I've gotten your uniform ordered in." He chucked something at the boy. Spudley caught it, and his face lit up. The uniform consisted of sickly green robes, pukish green shorts, and a white t-shirt.
"Not very classy, are they," commented Henry.
"Shut up, boy!" barked Uncle Bernie.
As long as he could remember, Henry's relatives had treated him like this. It was because he was different. While Spudley was in the street changing the color of the house with his Prep Wand, Spudley sat miserably and tried to change something, anything at all, a different color. He'd tried a number of things, but he just couldn't do it. He wondered if there was something wrong with him.
"Oh yes, Henry, here's your Jobuttons uniform," said Aunt Delila with a slight sneer. Jobuttons wasn't a very great Wizarding School. It was known for picking its students by appearance alone, not brains. No one learned much at Jobuttons, and students were encouraged to have co-ed sleepovers in the dorm.
Aunt Delila distastefully threw a bundle of clothes at Henry, and he spread them out. It looked at if the uniform was a sparkly purple thong, knee-length hot pink robes, and a bikini top to match the thong. "Umm..." he said.
Aunt Delila looked amused. "Oops," she said and smiled. "I think I got the female uniform. Let me order a male one." Scared of what it might be, Henry watched apprehensively as she gathered it up, threw it in the air and pointed her wand at it. "MALIO! JOBUTTONS UNIFORMUS!" she bellowed, and there was a snap as it transformed in midair and landed on the ground. Henry cautiously walked over and picked up the bundle. He unwrapped it. The uniform consisted of a floor-length, genuine mink fur robe with an exaggerated collar and cuffs, complete with several silver necklaces. Underneath he was to wear a tight white tank top and pale brown boxers. Uncle Bernie looked at the ensemble doubtfully. "THAT is a UNIFORM?!"
Spudley, who liked girls (his hormones' arrival was evident from the acne covering his bony face), was secretly jealous. He wanted a uniform like Henry's.
"Ugh," said Henry miserably. He hated it. He'd rather wear the puke green robes. He didn't want to go to Jobuttons. He dreaded it.
Suddenly someone knocked at the door. "I'll get it!" shouted Henry, eager to get out of sight of his obscene uniform. He opened the door to find a queer man dressed in blue and white, carrying a large brown bag. "No, not interested," said Henry, and began to close the door, when the man reached out and held it open. "Wait!" he said. His voice was oddly high pitched. "It's just the mail. I've got a letter here for," he peered at a large envelope's writing, "Mister Henry Notter." Henry jumped. He'd never gotten a letter before, unless you count all the girls' love letters. But those had all been delivered the normal way, by owl. "That's me!" he said.
The man looked at him strangely. "Um, ok, here," he said, and ran off down the street.
Henry looked after him. Who was that man? And why didn't an owl bring me this letter? He'd never seen the likes of anyone delivering mail at a doorstep before. Hmmm, he thought.
Henry was smart enough to know that his uncle would immediately take away a letter addressed to him, so he stuffed it in his pocket. He walked into the family room where his disgusting uniform was, shrugged and said "wrong house," scooped up his uniform, and dashed to his cupboard. He switched on the [magically enhanced so it didn't need electricity] Muggle light bulb he'd stolen from the Muggle Studies professor down the street, locked the door from the inside, and took out his mysterious letter. His eyes grew wide as he started to read:
Dear Mr. Notter,
You are scheduled to start school at the Academy for Artistic Talent in Los Angeles, California on the first of September. Please pick up your things (your parents bought them for you; you've been on the list to come since you were born) in Chinatown before coming. You can catch Flight 389 at the London Airport on the twenty-seventh of August. Please, be aware of the dress code and rules such as:
-no drugs
-no alcohol
-no co-ed sleepovers
-no sleepovers period
-tardiness is not tolerated
-no damaging school property (dormitories included!)
Thank you, and we look forward to seeing you September first.
Sincerely,
Allen Dumbone
Headmaster
Henry was startled. The Academy for Artistic Talent in Los Angeles, California? But, that was a Muggle school! Suddenly he remembered the Jobuttons uniform. Learn magic he couldn't do while wearing an ugly uniform or... go to a free American Muggle art school, learning about what he loved? Is there really any doubt?
"Art school, here I come!" muttered Henry happily.
++++++++
heee hee heee!! WOO this was interesting to write. please give me suggestions for the next chapter!