3.15.195AC
Hello again.
You know when something gets stuck in your head, a word or a phrase, or a song lyric? And it runs through your mind over and over like an old scratched record? Eventually, if it runs long enough, it grows. First the volume and the tone varies. Then pictures and scenes start to flash, corresponding with what the phrase reminds you of.
Knowing this, try, just for an instant, to imagine what might run through Death's head. My head. There's a lot of red (duh). A lot of screams. A lot of flashes. Especially when the lyric is something really common and cliché. Try ".What have I done, what have I done." to a tune in an old kids movie, "The Nightmare Before Christmas".
Hence, why I write.
The flashes, the screams, the blood, they all pour out through my hands onto the computer. By the time I'm done, even the phrase will be gone. I hope. If it's not, that's a hint that I need to write a multi-part series. Even this diary helps.
I know, I KNOW, I'm not supposed to keep a diary. But there's almost never anything pertinent that an enemy could use, and when there is, I write it in a script so old it's got different characters (I reprogrammed the comp.) that are dead and not even part of the alphabet. They're called runes. Plus, these different characters translate into Latin. Backwards. And most of the time there are garbled nonsense words hidden inside anyway[1]. I'm not even sure if Heero could crack my code, though, if given enough time.
I saw a quote once, I can't remember where, it went something like "Why do we write? We write to kill the pain." Or some nonsense like that. It was a cool quote. One of my favorites.
Back to business. What the hell is a professional murderer supposed to do with the song lyric "What have I done?" running through his head non stop? I mean, when quitting isn't an option, of course.
What would Heero do?
He doesn't have voices in his head. No help there. Wait. there was that little girl. And I know there's a lot of other painful stuff he doesn't tell me. But I *know* how he deals with it. He doesn't. He just suffers.
What would Trowa do?
He ignores it, I think. I mean, with that whole amnesia thing, he must get a *lot* of half-remembered snatches of memories. But he just ignores them. And in the end, I think they do more damage that way.
Can't just ignore it though. That's not my style.
What would Quatre do?
That's almost easy. He finds somebody else and absorbs their pain. I'm not sure if that *helps* him, but it's what he does. And he's damn good at it as well.
But empathy isn't one of my strong points, and the person would probably end up more messed up than before. Then I'd NEVER get this stupid line outta my head.
What would Wufei do?
He'd practice katas and light incense in Nataku's name and probably fast. By the time he was done, he'd leave Shenlong's presense feeling like he'd partially purified himself. But in reality he'd feel worse than ever.
I don't worship anything. I *am* a god, right? Gods don't worship themselves and it'd be bad press to be seen worshipping a different deity. So I can't do that. never was good at katas anyway.
So I'm back to square one. When I look at all my friends and the ways they deal with guilt. it's funny, cause it seems to just make them feel worse. I wonder if I'm the same way?
What do I do?
I already answered that. I write. And expiate the bad feelings like so much flotsam in the process. So to get this stupid guilty lyric out of my head, I have to write. Which is what I'm doing right now.
That's odd. I feel better already.
Later,
Death
----------------------- [1] Yes, anyone reading Duo's diary would be able to crack his code using this handy set of directions. Except he wrote the whole set of directions in code! (Gotta cover my tracks folks.)
Hello again.
You know when something gets stuck in your head, a word or a phrase, or a song lyric? And it runs through your mind over and over like an old scratched record? Eventually, if it runs long enough, it grows. First the volume and the tone varies. Then pictures and scenes start to flash, corresponding with what the phrase reminds you of.
Knowing this, try, just for an instant, to imagine what might run through Death's head. My head. There's a lot of red (duh). A lot of screams. A lot of flashes. Especially when the lyric is something really common and cliché. Try ".What have I done, what have I done." to a tune in an old kids movie, "The Nightmare Before Christmas".
Hence, why I write.
The flashes, the screams, the blood, they all pour out through my hands onto the computer. By the time I'm done, even the phrase will be gone. I hope. If it's not, that's a hint that I need to write a multi-part series. Even this diary helps.
I know, I KNOW, I'm not supposed to keep a diary. But there's almost never anything pertinent that an enemy could use, and when there is, I write it in a script so old it's got different characters (I reprogrammed the comp.) that are dead and not even part of the alphabet. They're called runes. Plus, these different characters translate into Latin. Backwards. And most of the time there are garbled nonsense words hidden inside anyway[1]. I'm not even sure if Heero could crack my code, though, if given enough time.
I saw a quote once, I can't remember where, it went something like "Why do we write? We write to kill the pain." Or some nonsense like that. It was a cool quote. One of my favorites.
Back to business. What the hell is a professional murderer supposed to do with the song lyric "What have I done?" running through his head non stop? I mean, when quitting isn't an option, of course.
What would Heero do?
He doesn't have voices in his head. No help there. Wait. there was that little girl. And I know there's a lot of other painful stuff he doesn't tell me. But I *know* how he deals with it. He doesn't. He just suffers.
What would Trowa do?
He ignores it, I think. I mean, with that whole amnesia thing, he must get a *lot* of half-remembered snatches of memories. But he just ignores them. And in the end, I think they do more damage that way.
Can't just ignore it though. That's not my style.
What would Quatre do?
That's almost easy. He finds somebody else and absorbs their pain. I'm not sure if that *helps* him, but it's what he does. And he's damn good at it as well.
But empathy isn't one of my strong points, and the person would probably end up more messed up than before. Then I'd NEVER get this stupid line outta my head.
What would Wufei do?
He'd practice katas and light incense in Nataku's name and probably fast. By the time he was done, he'd leave Shenlong's presense feeling like he'd partially purified himself. But in reality he'd feel worse than ever.
I don't worship anything. I *am* a god, right? Gods don't worship themselves and it'd be bad press to be seen worshipping a different deity. So I can't do that. never was good at katas anyway.
So I'm back to square one. When I look at all my friends and the ways they deal with guilt. it's funny, cause it seems to just make them feel worse. I wonder if I'm the same way?
What do I do?
I already answered that. I write. And expiate the bad feelings like so much flotsam in the process. So to get this stupid guilty lyric out of my head, I have to write. Which is what I'm doing right now.
That's odd. I feel better already.
Later,
Death
----------------------- [1] Yes, anyone reading Duo's diary would be able to crack his code using this handy set of directions. Except he wrote the whole set of directions in code! (Gotta cover my tracks folks.)