~AN~ (Author's Note)

So, I'm having a bit of writer's block on my "Transformers AU: Earth" fic, and writer's block + boredom + my sense of humor = A LIST! Enjoy!

This is Lennox.

This is Jazz.

(This is Red.)

Directed at Autobots

Directed at Humans

Lennox here. So me and Jazz noticed that some of the new recruits, both Human and Cybertronian, sometimes have a hard time getting along. To help them, we are making this list, with me advising humans...

And me advisin tha Bots.

As usual, Red will be, quote, "helping".

(Well duh! You two would be lost without me.)

Sure we would. Now, les get started.

1. Show each other respect.

This one is for both humans and Bots. Some of the new recruits (Stupid liaison sympathizers!) don't see why they should take orders from the Autobots, since they aren't human.

And a few Bots (Sideswipe, we're looking at you.) have yet ta realize that callin em "squishies" is not appropriate. (If he calls me that ONE more time, I am taking my Glocks and giving his alt mode's engine a few "adjustments". Let's see you drive with a few bullet holes in there, Sides!)

2. It is a bad idea to paint Ironhide pink.

He's the one in charge of running drills. Unless you want him making you spend 12 hours strait doing obstacle courses as his revenge, just DON'T! (He sure did look hilarious though! The expression on his face! I don't know who did it, but NICE!) On second thought, don't paint ANY of the Autobots.

Good call. Ah like ma paint job jus fine, thanks.

3. If a human female has increased hormonal levels, try to avoid them.

Trust me, ya DON want ta antagonize em when it's "that time of the month". Specially Red. (I am not that bad! Sure, I may have put a few men and bots in the med bay, but they were only bruised or missing leg armor.) See wa Ah mean? Luckily, most other women don attack, they jus scream.

4. If Ratchet schedules you an appointment, GO!

He's nicknamed "The Hatchet" for a reason. If you don't show up, he will hunt you down and carry you to the med bay, whether you like it or not. (I can speak from experience on this. I don't like hospitals, so I thought if I just stayed on the opposite side of the base from him, he wouldn't find me. Boy, did THAT plan fail!)

5. Humans do not appreciate being picked up like dolls.

Que, eva the scientist, had jus landed, an when he saw humans fore the first time, he picked one up an started examinin her. (Guess who he picked up? ME! I still CANNOT believe he just grabbed me!) Red stabbed im with her sword fore Bossbot could tell im to put her down. Now, he goes outa his way ta avoid her. Kinda funny, really.

6. It's best to just ignore Skidz and Mudflap.

Those two have NO idea what the heck they are doing. If they aren't fighting Cons, they are fighting each other, usually loudly, with lots of wrestling and crude language. (They almost stepped on me once! And another time Lennox's three year old daughter heard them swearing and asked what the words meant. Boy, Lennox was NOT pleased by that!)

7. Bones should NOT be visible on the outside of a human's body.

If ya see a bone stikin out, get Ratchet or Jolt. Tha bones are supposed ta remain on tha inside of the human body. Bein able ta see em without a scan or X-Ray is BAD.(Note, he did NOT say Que or Wheeljack. They are a scientist and an inventor, not medics. They are just as likely to break more bones as they are of setting them. Once again, I speak from experience.)

8. Do NOT accept anything from Wheeljack.

That's a great way to get yourself into the med bay. His inventions tend to spontaneously combust, literally. He once made us this thing that looked like a normal backpack, but was actually a jetpack. (I tried it first. 15 seconds after rising into the air, it gave a weird PAUGUF noise and exploded. Have I mentioned I don't like hospitals? I was in the med bay, for two whole weeks. Yeah, Jack found his lab "mysteriously" on fire the day I got out.)

9. Don't drive over 150 mph when a human is in your cab.

Unless ya want tha passenger ta purge on yer interior. It's a pain in the aft ta clean. If it's not a life or death emergency, just stick ta tha speed limit. (We are looking at you Sideswipe! How many police chases have you been in now?!)

10. If Optimus Prime curses, it's BAD!

It is almost impossible to upset the Prime. Only a rampaging Megatron can make him angry enough to curse.

So if tha Bossbot curses...

Grab a gun. (Or a grenade. Or missile launcher. Definitely some Sabot rounds. Really, just grab every dangerous object you can lay your hands/servos on. Your gonna need them.)

Ya got that right.

~AN~

How did I do with Jazz's accent? Are there any other Autobots that show up after the first movie that you want mentioned? Let me know!