A/N: This is a collab between me, causeIcanBtch, and HeartofGothamon Deviant Art. (I did most of the writing however…) THIS IS A CRACK FIC! DON'T TAKE ANYONE OF THIS SERIOUSLY! Enjoy
It was the evening of April 17th that Mathew Williams decided to do the unthinkable. Matt decided to stick a fork in the toaster. Now this may not seem too big. Actually, compared to most things, this event was as plain and placid as white bread. However, for the sensible man that Mathew is, this was the last thing you would think he would do.
On April 16th something also happened.
Matt was walking home from school while tuning out his brother, Alfred, who was blabbering about something…
"-And that's where Tony came from. But Arthur won't believe meee." he whined as he kicked an empty can down the side of the road.
"Sure Al, you keep thinking that." Matt mumbled as he kept his head down.
"What! You don't believe me either!" Alfred exclaimed, "You and Arthur! I swear, what about Ku-"
"Don't bring Kumajirou into this!" Matt snapped.
"Sheesh! Chill bro"
Matt looked back down. He stared at the pavement as he wanted down the sidewalk, reading the profanity carved in to the cerement. Something then caught his eye as he walked. Matt paused, "Hey Al?"
"Hmm?" Alfred stopped walking and stood next to his brother
"it's a fork!" Matt yelled as he picked up the shinny silver object.
"Annnnd?"
"IT'S A FORK!" He gushed
"… okay, what are you smoking." Alfred's tone became serious, "Crack? Smack? Reefar? Pot? LSD? Acid? Huh Matt? IS THERE SOMETHING YOU NEED TO TELL ME."
Here comes another one of his Rants. Matt raised his left hand and pimp slapped him, "Get a hold of yourself! No, I'm not smoking anything."
Alfred boasted, "U mad bro? Your eye's are redder then the devil's dick!"
Matt pocketed the fork and continued walking, "Personally I think you're the one who's mad."
"What would give you that idea!" he exclaimed.
"Your Alien friend, Tony."
"He's real! He's real and you know it! You just won't admit it!"
"Yes yes."
"Why you so mean!"
On April 16th Matt picked up a fork. However it wasn't any fork. It was a fork that made Mathew stab Alfred's toasters…
After reaching their house, Alfred and Matthew ran into the kitchen, each for their own reason, and threw their backpacks onto the table. Matt reached around the blender to reach the toaster and plugged it in.
"Hey Al."
"Yeah, Bro?"
"Why am I standing in water?"
"I forgot to turn the oven off."
"…what the fuck, Al. what the fuck."
Alfred looked, up. "oh, sorry, not related. I'm not sure, Matt."
Matt rolled his eyes, sloshing closer to the counter, and fishing the fork from his pocket. He pushed the lever down and prepared his fork.
"Are you sure about this, Matt?"
Matthew nodded, "I've never been more sure in my life, Bro." Alfred placed his hand on his brothers shoulder and looked him in the eye.
"bro."
"yeah, bro."
"only I say Bro. Kay, Bro?"
"sure thing, br- er, Al."
Matthew turned back to the counter and began to inch the fork in the direction of the toaster…
"Matt?"
"Yeah, Al?"
"….That's not the toaster."
Matt stands back, looking at what he thinks is a toaster. "…It isn't?"
"That's a blender."
"A blender! I'm not catholic though!" Matt screams and throws the fork at the blender as if it were poisonous. He then recollects himself and looks at Al who's giving him the strangest look in the world.
"Why don't you stick the fork in the blender instead?" Alfred's eyes light up as if he just invented the toilet seat.
"Great idea. That oughta be fun. Except you put it in, I'm still not Buddhist."
"What does religion have to do with a blender?"
"Al…what doesn't religion have to do with a blender?"
Alfred shrugs and doesn't dare question this amazing logic as he walks forward to pick up the fork and shove it in the blender.
"Dude careful, that's a sensitive Blender. You can't just do that, you'll hurt it's feelings." Matt snapped.
Alfred shrugged and set the fork down. "But forks are atheist, remember. Sheesh, who's the insensitive one now. Tisk tisk Mattiekins I thought you here better then this."
"You're right…for once… We have to be more careful about what the blender is feeling. But what we need to focus on is-is" Matt turned and face the toaster. Glaring at the stainless steal contraption. "That inter-racial bastard child!"
Alfred gasped dramatically, "You don't mean-"
"Yes I mean-"
"You mean-"
"Yes! I mean-"
"Oh my god! You seriously mean-"
"Oh yes, I do mean-"
"No! NOOO! You can't mean-"
"Holy ginger snaps Alfred, I mean-"
"Shut the fuck up!" From the corner of the kitchen Arthur crawled out from the oven, "Stop talking about Betty like she can't hear you!"
"I left the oven on! How are you still alive!"
"Its better that you never find out…" Arthur stood up dusting ash from his sleeve, "And why is the kitchen flooded?"
"Betty is going to die!" Matt snapped and lunged at the toaster.
Arthur waded through the slowly rising water, vaguely wondering where It was all come from, but dead set on rescuing his toaster.
"Alfred, Um….You, neither of you better harm my bloody toaster. I need her, I'm taking her to the wedding of prince William and Kate." Arthur pointed menacingly.
"Ca-Na-Da! Jeebus, I might as well become one with Russia!"
"No! Not that Commie Bastard! He took my refrigerator! And something else, but I can get the fridge back…"Alfred says.
Matt stands there still contemplating on where exactly to stick his fork. "Arthur! Alfred! I still need help! Do I just…stick it in somewhere?"
"No. You stick it in a hole-" Alfred states.
"But what if it's too big?" Matt asks, confused.
"As if Canada's the one to talk." Arthur snaps back. "If it's too big, you put some butter on it and then shove it in hard!"
"And then…?" Matt produces a notepad and a pen out of nowhere and starts taking notes.
And for each question Matt asks, Arthur and Alfred takes turns answering them.
"You sort of probe it a little…"
"But what if it hurts?"
"You have to get used to it."
"And if something leaks?"
"Then you're doing it correctly."
"Can I do weird stuff, too?"
"Of course! It is your choice after all. You're in control."
Francis, who was listening that entire time, appears in the kitchen with his pants off. "So! Where do I join!"
"You bloody git!" Arthur roared. He pulled out a broom and began swatting it at the half naked French man, "Get outta here! Shoo!"
"Iggy!" Francis whined as he dodged his attack, "I'm never included in any sexy parties."
"Ew what the hell!" Alfred snapped, "We where talking about fork probing."
Matt was too busy glaring down the toaster to care what the fuck the three other men where talking about.
"Well I'm sorry if I got the wrong idea when I hear stuff about shoving things into small holes." Francis defended.
"What rubbish are you blabbering about. This is why no one likes you." Arthur began ranting.
Water continued to pour into the kitchen. Eventually the liquid rose up to their waist.
April 18th
Now today was the day that Matt got back at Alfred's toaster. Countless times has Betty burnt his pop tarts. ONLY his pop tarts! It was no coincidence that it was his pop tarts. Why Betty had a bias view on the strawberry filled treat, no one knows. But what we do know is that Alfred's toaster was a bitch to Matt and to Francis on Fridays.
Early that morning Mathew walked towards the toaster. "God damnit Betty, If you burn my pop tarts I will stab you." he growled. Matt placed his strawberry pasty treat in both slots on the metal contraption. He pulled down the lever. And waited.
As the toaster began to cook his pop tarts Matt pulled out the fork and waited…
He waited for his breakfast to jump out of Betty…
He watched the insides of the toaster glow red, heat pooling out of the stainless steal machine. Waiting. "Bitch better not burn my pop tarts!"
"What is the point of a woman if she cannot do in the kitchen what needs to be done!" Matt resumes the fetal position of a sexually frustrated fork prober. He hangs his head and groans.
When Betty 'dinged' his head shot up, and he snatched the dark, crunchy treat from the toaster. Matthew fell to his knees.
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!"
Looking up vengefully through his bangs, lifting the fork up menacingly,
"betty." he growled, as he stalked toward the toaster.
"your time has been cut short." He raised his fork, and brought it down, before it was stopped by a hand from behind him. Matt turned around, standing right behind him was Tony,
"Hurp a deep derp" the Alien snapped.
"You! You're real!" All hatred for the toaster was forgotten.
"Omg! I told you! I told you he was real!" Alfred called out from behind both of them.
"Deep derp hurp de derp!" Tony snapped,
"What the fuck is he saying?" Matt asked angrily.
"He says don't hurt his wife. Dude, don't stab Betty in front of her husband?"
Then Matt remembered about what Betty did to his strawberry pop tart. He turned around, "Vengeance shall be mine!"
Alfred jumped after him, "No! Tony I choose you!"
Tony got in a battle stance,
"Go Kumajirou," Suddenly a polar bear jumped out of the cabinets and attacked the Alien, "Use take down!"
Tony fell over, he shoved off the rabid polar bear.
"Tony use low kick!"
Tony knocked Kumajirou's feet from under him, when giant 'K.O.' letters floated above him.
Matthew stared blankly at Tony, and his now unconscious bear, and stuck the fork into the toaster. When nothing happened, Matthew decided to go outside and cry in the park before he realized something.
"Alfred?"
"yeah bro?"
"what happened to the flood?"
"uhhh…"
Matthew looked around, suddenly realizing they had been underwater the whole time.
"Do I even want to-"
"No."
"That'll do Alfred…. That'll do."
~Fin