(THAT'S OKAY... ) I'VE GOT MORE MOMENTS

Author's note:
This will be a collection of oneshots. Some very short, some a bit longer. Title taken from 6x03 "Praesidium" and one of the best scenes in the history of this show. I think most of you know which one. This is partly inspired by the fact that the writers of NCIS: LA dared to write such emotionally loaded scenes between Deeks and Kensi without giving too much away or making the center around their personal relationship. This is only my 2nd story in this fandom and all reviews are appreciated.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Of course.

Summary: Set during 2x22 "Plan B".

1. "AND YOU CARE?"

"Okay, cuff me," he says curtly and feels Kensi practically wince beside him.

"What?!"

It's been incredibly tense since he (rather harshly) told her to stay in the car. Indirectly saying I don't need you for this. A statement very far from the truth, but that is an issue of itself that he simply can't deal with now. He quickly explains why, lets the words rush out as if saying it fast, revealing exactly what kind of guy Max Gentry had been and hoping this new information will be treated just like any other intel. Callen ponders his suggestion, before giving his consent and he feels Kensi slap her cuffs around his wrists. A perfect opportunity for one of his regular suggestive innuendos but not today. Today he feels the cold metal tighten against his skin. Maybe a bit too tight for this just being a ruse...

As the door to the interrogation room opens, he has no idea how to feel about this. What's allowed and what's not. The lines between his purely fictional alias and real life, had blurred long ago, back when he'd given Ray the choice between jail and being a snitch...

"Max?! I can't believe this...What are you doing here?"

Nicole's words are incredulous, almost shocked and he can't really blame her. To be honest, he hadn't intended on crossing paths with her ever again. He gathers his wits and the lies come rolling off his tongue a bit too easy for his comfort considering what this alias used to do to him.

He knows getting involved with Nicole had been a mistake. Just like with Traynor. Feelings that don't belong to your alias but to yourself, are dangerous. They can adventure entire operations. Not to mention your own sanity. That small piece of yourself you can't really shake, even under the deepest of covers. And when it all starts to blend together... God, how is he supposed to come out of this without hurting someone? Himself. Ray. Nicole. Kensi...

To make matters worse, Nicole leans across the table, intention clear in her eyes and then she's kissing him. And he surprises himself by letting her. Even encourages her with a firm hand on her neck. He feels raw and it's making him reckless. Stupid. Anger and bitterness has raged inside his head since this morning, mixing with the darkness brought on by recalling a piece of his past he's not that proud of. He can't seem to help it.

Suddenly it's 2008 again and he's back on Nicole's couch, fully aware of that he's seducing his best friend's wife. It had gone against every bro code in the universe but it hadn't stopped him. Day to day life as Max Gentry had been really shitty and everyone needs a human connection. Even him. And Nicole... She'd just happened to be there, caught in the middle, in the web of lies woven by Ray and himself. A broken and unhappy person just like him. So he kisses her back and he hates how the odd familiarity of it all actually relaxes him for a moment.

"They're probably watching..."

The words are out before he has the chance to consider them. But the case, Ray, the past three years... It all comes together, reminding him of a different reality. Where someone is trying to kill his best friend, where there is a dent in a partnership to fix... Kensi. Once again her face appears in before his inner eye. And with a disappointed, almost hurt look on her face. God, the last thing he wants is to disappoint her, and her actually letting it show today must mean this is really getting to her, because one thing he knows; Kensi Blye does not bruise easily. He's been working his ass off for the past year to prove that she can count on him, that's, that he has her back so she doesn't have to bruise at all. That he's worthy of being her partner. But maybe he isn't...

"And you care...?"

Nicole's challenging yet taunting whisper comes out in a breath against his lips and cutting through the chaos in his head. Thing is that before, he wouldn't have cared. Hell, if this had been merely a year ago, he'd probably been the one initiating that kiss, well aware of the audience. But now he does care, and he knows his slight reluctance now has nothing to do with Nicole, really. It's a a bit of a realization, the fact being forced to his attention from the deepest recesses of his mind.

Going a bit too far with a cover isn't usually something that bothers him, it was what made him stand out from the other undercover operatives with LAPD. And even if seeing Nicole again had sparked something he'd once stuffed away, far back in his memory, he is still so acutely aware of and cares (maybe a bit too much) about the fact that Kensi is right outside that door watching his every move on the large flatscreen. He does care, God knows he does, and he hates to admit that the there is probably no one he cares about more in this world than his partner.

"So YES," he wants to scream. Yes, he fucking cares (about his new team, his new job, his partner, his Kensi), he cares way too much, but at the same time, this is just so overwhelming. Exhausting. Painful almost. Ray going rogue. Facing Nicole. The return of an alias he hates more than anything, yet is one of the ones he feels most comfortable using. It's like his old life, his new life and his made up lives are suddenly coming together to mess with him. His oldest friend is on the run out there, his team is questioning his abilities to compartmentalize and a strange, nagging feeling of guilt towards his partner. It feels like a million voices are screaming inside his head, each one trying to tell its own version of what's actually real.

So when Nicole leans in for another kiss, he kisses her back once again and allows himself to slip back to being the Marty Deeks who without any problem became Max Gentry all those years ago. Who didn't have to care so damn much.

He swallows the guilt and even manages to pour a little bit of what he actually felt (still feels?) for Nicole into that kiss and in the back of his head, already dreading the confrontation with his partner about this later. He can practically see her reaction. Seemingly calm and collected but the hurt and anger clearly visible to him in those stunning mismatched eyes of hers. These images conjured up by his imagination are fueled by the past year of partnering with her. Of learning her, reading her looks, moves and words, so judging by the history they've already written, he knows it's fairly certain his actions are hurting her even more (even if she will never admit that straight to his face, of course), just like his earlier harsh insistence she stay behind in the car outside that bar. That he would be fine without her. God, all these goddamn lies!

He's just so tired. Exhausted even if it's barely past lunch. So now, within these four slightly claustrophobic walls where he's usually the one in control, intimidating suspects, he forces himself not to care.

Just for a little while.

End note: And now, hopefully without scaring you away, I should probably also admit to the fact that I haven't watched this show much at all. I caught at re-run of "Impact" (you know the episode after Deeks and Sam were tortured by Sidorov etc) and watched some clips on Youtube, then streamed some old episodes that seemed important due to all the clips uploaded, like "Personal", "Neighborhood Watch", "Plan B" etc. I haven't seen any of the Afghanistan episodes. Haven't seen the Blye, K episodes, not the one where they resigned and went to Romania, not anything with Dom. So there it is. The truth. But this pairing and the character of Hetty intrigued me and I hope my writing won't be too far off. Thanks for sticking with me!