Knights of the Old Republic: The Stalker Chronicles
I make no apologies for the portrayal of any characters in this story. It's a parody, the characters are stereotyped, if I've deeply offended you get over it. That being said, enjoy the story and have a nice day!
Master Kavar sighed and closed the door of his room.
"All I wanted was a damn nap," he grumbled, walking to his chocolate and love-letter covered bed. He was tempted to knock the whole mess to the floor, but some of the Padawans left really, really good chocolate, and he hated to waste it.
He began sorting through the letters, tossing most of them onto the ever-growing marriage proposal pile. After finishing with the letters, he started on the candy. Roughly half of them were laced with aphrodisiacs—a definite improvement over the three-fourths he'd started out with. At least some of the girls took the hint.
A knock at the door interrupted his sorting. "Come in," he called. The door opened to reveal Jada, who was leaning against the doorframe with an opened box of chocolates.
"Kavar, your stalkers have excellent taste in chocolate," she said, selecting another piece from the box and tossing it in her mouth.
Kavar looked at the box lid and groaned upon recognizing the arrow (1) insignia. "Jada, those were the best ones!"
Jada blinked at the Jedi Master and swallowed. "Sorry," she mumbled, taking another piece. Kavar stood and stormed over to the door, snatching the box out of her hands.
"Find your own fans to bring you candy. This is mine," he said, closing the box and placing it reverently on his desk. Jada rolled her eyes.
"I've already got a few, thanks," she grumbled.
"What do you mean?" Kavar asked, sitting back on his bed and looking over the "safe" candy. He was disappointed. No one had brought him mint-chocolate bark today.
"Well, there's Mical, who's taken to calling me m'lady and leaving me badly-written poetry," Jada began, jumping up to sit on Kavar's desk. Kavar narrowed his eyes. She was dangerously close to his candy.
"Then there's Bao-Dur, who I swear has started muttering 'hotpants' (2) every time he calls me General," she said, shaking her head. "And Atton, who's much less subtle… he's been drugging my food and asking me to play Nar Shaddaa pazaak (3) with him on a daily basis."
"Hmm… anyone else?" Kavar asked, watching as Jada dropped her hand onto the desk. Right next to his box of candy. If she tried to take another piece, he might have to dismember her.
"Not sure… HK-47 has been talking kind of strangely lately… the way he says 'Master' is quite disturbing." Jada shuddered. "I don't think there's anyone else, though."
Kavar nodded. "Well, I'm not sure what to tell you. I haven't figured out a way to rid of my stalkers yet--"
Jada shook her head. "No, that's not really the problem. I'm interested in one of them, but I can't ever seem to get him alone to talk to him. Something always happens. It's like there's some force keeping us apart."
She sighed dramatically. Kavar frowned. He hated seeing his favorite student and close friend in such deep emotional pain. Having gone through some angst in his life, he knew how miserable it was. She probably had it even worse—he was just a supporting character. Jada was a PC, for crying out loud. Poor girl was just asking for abuse.
"Jada, if there's anything I can do--"
Kavar stopped in mid-sentence, watching in horror as Jada suddenly cast Master Speed on herself, grabbed the candy, and flashed out the door. He sat in mute shock for a minute, staring blankly at the empty desk, then jumped to his feet and ran out the door after her.
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Jada flew through the falls of the Enclave, cackling evilly enough to put Kreia to shame. She'd been sneaking candy off Kavar's stash for weeks, and had recently discovered this particular fan left some amazing chocolate-covered wafers. There were at least three different kinds of chocolate involved, and very often some cookie dough as well. It was heaven in a delicious sugary morsel—
Her train of thought was cut off abruptly as she collided with T3-M4 (4), who had been buzzing across the hallway. Traveling at roughly 15 meters per second (5), she sent the poor, abused, yet loveably cute (6) astromech droid spinning down the corridor; she flew another five meters forward, stopping only when she collided with Atton. The pair fell to the ground in a tangled heap. The chocolate Jada had been carrying continued on its original trajectory, landing miraculously in Mical's hands.
Atton quickly regained his bearings and realized that all of his dreams had just come true. Well… not perfectly. Usually when he and Jada were in this position in his dreams, they weren't lying in the hallway. And Mical sure as hell wasn't anywhere around. But Atton was a fairly easy-going man, and he'd take his suddenly-realized fantasies in whatever form they came to him.
Unfortunately for Atton, Jada heard Kavar sprinting down the hall before the pilot could do or say anything.
"Sorry," she said, shoving Atton to the ground and jumping to her feet. Atton laid on his back on the cold, unforgiving stone tile and sighed. It just wasn't fair.
Jada quickly snatched the box of candy from Mical's hands and frowned. There hadn't been that much red on it before… glancing up at the young man, she noticed he had a severe nosebleed.
"You should probably get a medpac for that," she commented, before re-casting Master Speed and taking off down the hall again. Kavar slowed to a stop near the other two men and bent forward, gasping for breath.
"Which… way… did she… go?" he choked out. Atton stood up and shrugged.
"Hell if I know. I was kind of on the ground, y'know, not getting laid," he replied. He glanced over as Mical collapsed to the floor in a dead faint.
"Hey, Kavar, would you mind healing him or something before you take off again?" Atton asked, nudging the disciple with his foot. "Ordinarily I wouldn't care, but I think Jada might get mad at me if I just let him bleed to death."
Kavar quickly Force-healed Mical, then sprinted down the hallway again, pulling out his lightsabers as he went.
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Jada skidded to a stop at the end of a hallway and glanced over her shoulder. Master Kavar had just entered the hallway. He spotted Jada and threw a grenade at the woman, who dove to the left, did a somersault, and kept running. The flash grenade exploded brightly behind her as she ducked into a conveniently-located workroom.
"Hello, General hotpants," Bao-Dur said in his usual calm voice. Jada blinked. She could've sworn he'd said it again. It was really starting to get… weird.
"Hi, Bao-Dur. Do you know of any other exits to this room?" she asked, glancing around. Bao-Dur shook his head.
"No, General hotpants, I'm sorry. The only way in or out is that door." He nodded at the high-security door. Jada frowned and locked it, thus increasing the difficulty of getting through by 1d10.
"Well, I guess I'll just wait in here until Kavar goes away," she said. Bao-Dur nodded.
"Maybe you can help me with some… repairs, General hotpants," he said. Jada blinked again. That had sounded suspiciously like innuendo, and he'd done the hotpants thing again.
"Uh… what sort of repairs are we talking about?" she asked.
"Well… they're very special repairs. They need a certain kind of… touch. You know what I mean."
Definitely innuendo. Before Jada could formulate a response, the door behind her exploded in a spectacular show of smoke and sparks. Kavar dashed into the room, cast Stasis Field on Jada and Bao-Dur, and seized the coveted box of chocolates.
"Ah, finally safe again," he crooned, cradling the box in his arms. Jada whimpered slightly at the loss of the sugary nirvana. Kavar left, still murmuring to the candy like it was a lost child. Jada was eventually able to shrug off the stasis field and quickly removed herself to a safer, stalker-free area. Bao-Dur watched his General Hotpants leave with a sad, one might even say emo expression. (7)
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Jada cautiously poked her head out of her room, fearing the worst. Granted, she wasn't sure what that was at this point: Mical serenading her on bended knee, Bao-Dur asking her to wear the shorts he seemed so obsessed with, HK-47 aiming at her knees with a sniper rifle, or Atton wearing nothing but a pazaak deck.
She decided it was a bad sign that she thought HK was the best choice at this point.
Making sure she had her lightsaber and that all of her clothing was properly secured, she left her room and locked the door behind her.
"Hi, Jada."
Jada screamed and jumped two feet in the air. When she finally summoned the nerve to peek out from behind her hands at her visitor, she saw a very confused Mira blinking at her.
"Oh, Mira, thank the Force it's you," she said. Mira glanced around.
"Uh… all right," she said slowly. Jada sighed and shook her head.
"I'm sorry, I've just been really jumpy lately. My stalkers seem to be acting up more than usual," Jada explained. Mira nodded.
"You know, I'm sure we could get rid of all of them very easily. Atton's got a shady enough past that there's probably a bounty on him somewhere, Mical's close enough to a Jedi to collect on that one, and--"
"Mira, I don't want to trade them in for cash!" Jada protested.
"Are you sure? It'd be a lot less complicated," Mira said.
Jada paused, apparently giving serious thought to the proposal, then slowly shook her head.
"No… but if this gets much worse, I may take you up on the offer," she said.
Mira shrugged. "Well, suit yourself then," she said, heading off down the hall. Jada watched her leave, wondering vaguely why the other woman didn't have any stalkers. Probably had something to do with her non-PC status. Jada sighed and started down the hall. Being the main character really sucked sometimes.
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"So, tell me what's wrong with these again?" Atton asked Kavar, a decidedly devious grin spreading across his face.
"They're laced with aphrodisiacs," Kavar explained, waving a hand at the pile of boxes labeled DO NOT EAT. "My fans seem to think their chances will improve if I'm drugged."
"I know mine will," Atton muttered, rubbing his hands together eagerly.
"Uh… why did you want to know?" Kavar asked. Atton quickly dropped the sex-starved scoundrel act and blinked innocently at the Jedi Master.
"Oh, nothing. Just curious, you know, so that I know why I'm not supposed to eat them," he replied, backing out of the room. "Thanks!"
Kavar watched him leave with a frown, then shrugged and went back to eating.
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"Greetings, m'lady!"
Jada stopped in her tracks and muffled a groan as Mical scampered over to her.
"Hello," she replied, wincing at the sparkly halo (8) that surrounded the man. She'd heard of being a servant of the light, but this was just ridiculous.
"Did you receive my letter?" he asked enthusiastically.
"Uh… I don't remember," she said, stalling for time as she tried desperately to recall the contents of the note she'd shredded the day before. Bad poetry gave her headaches.
Mical's blue eyes grew wide with hurt. "You—you don't remember?" he whispered, his voice trembling ever-so-slightly. "I worked so hard on it…"
Jada winced again. Mical could lay on the guilt like nobody's business. He'd beaten both Atton and Carth Onasi in a galaxy-wide Best Puppy Eyes contest, although there were some lingering accusations of cheating from Onasi.
"Well, you see…" Jada started, thinking fast. "HK-47 has been running interference on my mail lately. You know how protective he is of me. Your letter might have been… intercepted." She managed to force a dramatic sigh at the end of her sentence.
It worked. Mical's expression shifted from kicked to eager puppy. "Oh, I see! Well, don't worry, because I've got an extra copy in my room. Come on, I'll show you."
Mentally cursing, Jada smiled and trailed along behind the young man. Mical practically skipped into the room, rummaged around in his desk, and handed her a datapad with a rose taped to it. Jada took the gift and immediately pricked her fingers on the thorns. She winced and tried to read the poem, but stopped somewhere around the fifth stanza. She could feel a migraine coming on.
"It's, ah… it's lovely, Mical," she said, forcing a smile. Mical smiled winningly. Jada wished that sunglasses existed in this galaxy, because damn if she wasn't going blind from his light-side aura and his megawatt smile.
"So…. Yes or no?" he asked, still smiling.
Jada blinked. "Excuse me?"
"At the end. Yes or no?"
Jada frowned and quickly scrolled to the end of the poem. In between all the thee's and thou's and prithee's, she managed to discern that Mical was proposing to her.
Great. Just great.
Jada looked up to see Mical drop to one knee, holding up an engagement ring.
"Will you marry me, m'lady?" he asked.
The exile glanced at the door, hoping against hope that Kavar would coming blasting in again and rescue her. No such luck
"Uh… well…"
There was a soft knock on the door before it opened, and Visas Marr walked in.
"Master… I felt a great disturbance in the Force," she said calmly to Jada. (9) The other woman nodded vigorously.
"Yes, I sensed it too. Come on, let's go investigate," she said, putting an arm around Visas' shoulders and steering her out of the room.
"But Master, the disturbance was emanating from this room…" she said, confused. Jada shrugged.
"Probably just Mical tilting the galaxy dangerously towards destruction in a blazing glory of pure light," she commented.
Mical stared at the door, then slowly got to his feet and placed the ring on his desk. With a sigh, he got out his a datapad. Time to write some really angsty poetry for the exile. He had discovered she responded very, very well to guilt trips. Eventually, she'd feel so sorry for him that she'd HAVE to marry him. Or at the very least kiss him.
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Jada sighed and strolled towards her room. She'd felt kind of bad about running away from Mical like that, but… she just wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. And when she was, it probably wouldn't be to someone who thought he was her knight in shining armor.
She turned a corner and nearly ran into Atton, who was leaning with practiced casualness against the wall. The pilot was holding a box of Kavar's candy.
"Want a piece?" he asked, holding out the box. Jada looked down, then sighed and looked back up.
"Atton, it says DO NOT EAT on it," she said wearily. He looked down at the box. Indeed, it did, right on the top of the box in bright yellow letters. Atton tossed the box over his shoulder and pulled another one out of his inventory. He quickly took off the lid and dropped it on the floor.
"How about these?"
"Still says do not eat. You're going to have to try harder than that to drug me, Atton."
The pilot sighed. "How about a game of pazaak?"
Jada rolled her eyes. "Let me guess, you want to play Nar Shaddaa rules?"
"Please?"
Again, before Jada could reply, something catastrophic interrupted their conversation. Well, catastrophic for Atton, anyways. The pilot screamed like a stuck mynock (10) as he was hit with Force Lightning, then dropped to the ground in pain.
Jada glared at Kreia, who lowered her hand and tried to look innocent.
"You're a Sith Lord, Kreia. Innocent looks about as good on you as it does on Canderous," Jada said, stepping over Atton's body. She kicked him in the ribs as he tried to look up her robes. He whimpered and curled up in a ball.
"So, you've been sabotaging all my dates," Jada said, crossing her arms. Kreia nodded.
"They're not good enough for you!" she said. "Such fools are beneath you."
"Quite literally," Atton muttered from his position on the ground.
Jada rolled her eyes again. "Not good enough for me?" she repeated. Kreia paused, frowning.
"Well, not so much not good enough as… too good," she amended. "The alien, the Disciple, even the fool are all basically decent, upstanding individuals. I'd rather you were with someone a little more… dark."
Jada sighed. "Like who?" she asked, halfway dreading the answer.
"Well, ideally, Malak, were he alive. But since he's not, I had to find a suitable replacement."
Jada's blood ran cold as she heard familiar footsteps behind her.
"Greeting: Hello, Master. I have been asked to express my love for you by the meatbag there. I shall now carry out my orders."
Jada swallowed hard as HK-47 raised a sniper rifle to his shoulder and peered down the scope.
"Uh… I don't suppose we could just go out for dinner or something?" she asked.
"Negatory: I am afraid not, Master. That would not show the depth of my feelings for you," the droid replied.
"Too bad then," Jada said, diving out of the way as HK fired off his first shot. It hit Kreia in the chest and she fell to the ground, bleeding. No one cared. Atton jumped to his feet, only to be hit in the shoulder by HK's next round. He slumped against the wall, pressing a hand to his wound and grinning like the devil. This was the best kind of wound a guy could hope for—bloody, somewhat painful, but non-life threatening. Women always got worked up over stuff like that, especially if it was indirectly their fault. Atton settled in and planned his rescue. Maybe Jada would save him in her underwear again…
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Jada bolted down the hall, hoping to reach her room before HK could hit any more innocent bystanders. Well… considering who he'd hit already, probably just more bystanders. Not many innocents running around the Enclave these days.
The exile dashed into her room and slammed the door as several rounds of blaster fire hit it. She leaned against the wall, breathing heavily.
"Need any help?"
Jada screamed and threw her lightsaber across the room. Fortunately, she forgot to turn it on, so her visitor instead took a chunk of metal in the stomach.
"Oof! Damnit, woman, was that necessary?"
Jada peered out from behind her hands and saw Kavar holding her lightsaber.
"Oh… sorry, Kavar," she said. "I just had several nasty run-ins with my stalkers, and I'm a little paranoid."
The Jedi Master nodded and handed the lightsaber back.
"Ah, I suppose that's why the pilot was bleeding to death in the hall?"
Jada nodded. "He seemed very upset when I Force-healed him on my way past," Kavar said.
Jada sighed heavily and sat on the edge of her bed. "I'm just so sick of it, Kavar," she complained. "I just can't deal with all this any more."
Silence fell. (Both Jedi were able to dodge it, however.) Kavar shook his head.
"I know the young bounty hunter seemed rather eager to sell them all in exchange for exorbitant amounts of money," he said. "But are you really willing to trade your love for several thousand credits?"
Jada paused, thinking. She considered all the suffering, torment, and general unpleasantness she'd gone through because of the men in her life. She thought of a lifetime with nothing but more of the same.
She looked Kavar straight in the eye. "Yes. I am."
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"Now this is more like it," the exile said, finishing off a glass of imitation Tarisian ale. Kavar nodded, looking around the cantina.
"I think this was a good move for all involved," he said. "How much money did you get?"
Jada shrugged. "Don't know. Mira gave me an advance, said I'll get more once she collects on the bounties."
Kavar took a sip of his drink. "I see. So what did she do with the lot of them?"
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Elsewhere, on the Ebon Hawk…
"Please! I'm begging you, Mira, don't do it!"
Atton Rand was not a man who usually begged for anything. But this moment, this threat found him on his knees in front of the young woman, holding his manacled hands up in supplication.
"Anything but this… there have to go be other bounties out there! Some Hutts, maybe, or some Sith who want me dead! Please!"
Mira shook her head. "Nope, sorry," she said. "They were the highest bidder. Besides, I thought you liked female attention."
"I do, but… not like this!" Atton said. "I saw what they did to Bao-Dur, Mical, even HK… don't hand me over to them! Have some decency!"
The landing ramp of the Ebon Hawk lowered, and some high-pitched female screams could be heard. Mira shrugged.
"Sorry, Atton," she said, hauling him to his feet and shoving him towards the exit.
"The fangirls just had the most credits."
THE END
1. Shoutout to Arrow, the number one Kavar fangirl.
2. Shoutout to AthenaPrime. The 'hotpants' is no longer unspoken.
3. Shoutout to whoever wanted a reference to strip pazaak, which according to Atton, is the same as Nar Shaddaa rules.
4. Reference to something I almost did in-game. I was running through the Hawk, T3 buzzed by in front of me, and I almost ran into him.
5. Reference to the fact that I was doing physics homework just before writing this.
6. Shoutout to aimo, because T3 is never cuter than when he appears in her comics.
7. Shoutout to schmoopy's sig. "Bao-Dur: emo tear" Makes me laugh every time I see it.
8. Another aimo shoutout. "It's his Prince Charming-ness."
9. Shoutout to my friend, Fice, who suggested this solution to "rescuing" Jada from Disciple.
10. "If I were her, I'd be screaming like a stuck mynock. Well, a very strong, manly mynock."