There's Something You Should Know

by J.A. Carlton

As Dean's final year comes to a close the brothers' Winchester find there are still too many things to be said, too many things left for too long, so with pen to paper each man leaves written what they cannot speak.

A/N

The following is a speculation piece. If you're familiar with my particular 'verse, you'll know I try to stay parallel to Krip's canon, you'll also note events from some of my fics, which would be the left hand side of the ladder while Krip's canon is the right hand side of the ladder our beloved boys strive so hard to climb. I hope if you read this that you like it.

As always, never doubt... it is written with love.

-----

There's some things you should know...

by sifi:

Disclaimer... yes... must I repeat myself yet again?

Love, always bears repeating.

--

Dean

As I inch a little closer minute by minute, to laying my head down for the last time there's a few things I never took the time to tell you, a few things I think you should know.

First and foremost, you were the best gift I ever got, and don't tell her (though I'm pretty sure she knows), even better than the Impala. You were all I had to remember mom, you've always been the one reason I had... for, well, everything. Waking up in the morning, bothering to come home after a hunt gone wrong when all I wanted to do was lay wherever it was I'd collapsed, when I wouldn't even get up for dad, YOU were the hand held out that got me to my feet.

It got to the point a couple times when all dad had to do was give me 'the look', and I don't mean the one he shot you whenever you talked about joining a sports team, or the drama club, or us going to see one of the plays we actually stayed around long enough for you to be in. No, dad had a different look for those nights when I was still clumsy and inexperienced in my own right. (Yeah you heard me, don't rub it in...even I had to learn how to be the awesome hunter I turned into). The look I'm talking about was just between him and me, it was the one that said, "You have to make it home... for Sam,"

I'm not telling you this cause I want you to feel guilty or anything, I'm telling you this because it means something.

I know you sometimes even still feel guilty as hell about all those times I went with dad, nudging him to let you stay behind, doing your schoolwork, taking your equivalencies, but you can't Sam, you can't feel guilty about that stuff. There was never anything that was more important to me than to give you the 'normal' you deserved.

See, I had a few years with mom, I have memories of her, the way she smelled, the way she'd hold me just before she tucked me in... and okay thanks to the Djinn I can supplement a helluva lot of them with more fresh images so that's pretty freakin' awesome in itself! But point is, I had time with her that you didn't, and you know as well as I do that part of dad died that night too. He tried as hard as he could to be the best father he could considering how swallowed up he got by it all.

But I know you're smart enough to know that if we didn't do what we do, what we've done, that so many innocents would have suffered that didn't have to.

There were a lot of things I did Sam that I'm not proud of. When we were kids, I tried so hard not to let you see it, but sometimes I got scared. Sometimes I got violent. There was no way I was ever gonna let anyone or anything EVER hurt you Sam, and I know that if you knew half the things I've done... well... yeah, you'd forgive me. I know that now, but it's all water under the bridge isn't it?

I've kept secrets from you too. Not just the Shtriga, not just the kids who learned the hard way that you don't dick around with ANY Winchester, not just having told Cassie our 'big family secret', there are others Sam. I know you've pretty well figured out that I killed a man when I was 13, that Aaron Beyers was a child molester and murderer; that I escaped from him unscathed only because of what dad taught us. If it hadn't been for the long hours of drilling and training, I wouldn't have survived the encounter, I would have been victim number 62 in a list that wouldn't have stopped any time soon. I wouldn't change it though, I couldn't save the first 61 victims but even at 13 I knew a small stain on my own soul was a small burden to carry for all the lives that might have just been saved.

Used to scare the crap out of me when you and dad would go at it, he knew you were gonna leave and it scared the hell out of him. We used to talk y'know... relax, I never told him anything you asked me not to but dad was no dummy Sam, he saw how hard you studied, and you may never believe it, (though I"m pretty sure you now know he was proud of you) there was a really huge part of him that WANTED you to escape. That was the 'dad' part of him, but he was so much more a hunter by the time you got that acceptance letter from Stanford, his fear kept the 'dad' in him down. After you left, he had nightmares sometimes, I think we both did. He sought jobs close to California so he could poke on over and make sure you were okay, and he started handing me smaller simpler jobs not too far away, so that way he could stay in Cali. He didn't have to tell me what he was doing. I knew.

There's other things I know Sam... things you'd never guess I do, but I couldn't tell you when... well, when I had more days. There have been moments, things that happened, when we were young, when you were too young to remember, and things I didn't want to remember. Some of the things... God Sam, I'm sorry... just cause you don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen... I hope you believe me when I tell you that I didn't recall most of it myself... and I'm sure there are still things that are missing, but it's only in these last few months they're started coming forward, making themselves known and, I'm sorry little brother... I'm sorry to put this on you... but I'm starting to get scared again.

See, I ... oh God... yeah I know... you're the one with faith in this family... so I'm gonna ask your God to help my patron give me the strength I need to do this, to say this to you, to tell you what I know... I just hope, and yeah, I do pray you understand why I never said anything before.

Before the fire but after you were born, I used to have this nightmare, this guy, he looked like dad in the shadows, same build, but it wasn't dad. He used to make me feel things... (get your head out of the gutter, not THOSE kind of things)... I don't remember if he spoke per se, but his focus was YOU... I'd wake up screaming for you... scared, whenever I woke, mom always seemed to be there, she seemed to know... and I think maybe she DID know.

Whatever it was, it scared the bejeezus out of me, thing was... it would come even before you were born, LONG before you were born. Like I said, I think I'd forgot most of these things... it's only now all the images are coming so clearly, (I know I wake you up sometimes in the night now either with a shout or... something you sense, but thanks for letting me keep it in when I do wake you), anyway this thing, it would stand there and scowl, it would howl and pound some...THING that kept it at bay, (like a salt line keeps the demons out)... it screamed that it'd been duped... it'd been fooled...

This went on for a while, till one night I remember being frozen between my sheets, my eyes glued to this thing... God I was scared that night... for some reason it was really really pissed, in fact it was so damned mad I'm pretty sure I pissed myself that night, (I know TMI but again it's important), see that night, when dad passed my room, heading toward his and moms' room, the shadow stopped its ranting, it turned and looked at him, looked back at me.. and I remember it, I saw those oily yellow eyes sliding in the darkness as it smiled. My room filled with cold as it turned to smoke, following dad down the hallway. I'm pretty sure that's when I pissed myself. Nine months later you were born Sam.

Please, don't freak... I can feel you starting to panic even now... please don't!.. It's okay, really, it's okay... YOU're okay, you're the best thing that ever happened to the Winchesters and I'll tell you why, just calm down, take a breath... hell take a swig or ten from my flask... it's yours now anyway, and listen to me.

I can't know for sure what happened the night you were conceived, if it WAS that night, (which, hey, let's face it... it probably was), but what I can be fairly certain of, is that everything that came to our family, because of YOUR birth... was SUPPOSED to have come because of MINE. You asked me once why I wouldn't pay my respects at the headstone they'd put up for mom? I couldn't Sam. I loved mom, I loved her more than any one human being should ever love another despite what I'm fairly certain she did. I don't think it could've been dad, he was too shell shocked for too long, and when we'd talk in later years... I never sensed him holding anything back about that night. I don't think he ever contemplated the existence of anything supernatural at all. But for as much as I loved mom, and still do really... God I miss her... I'm also fairly certain she sold you Sam. Whatever happened that night the yellow eyed demon was so pissed, whatever part he played in your conception... no I don't have any proof... I don't need proof, but don't worry, you're more human than most of us, I think if mom had known what would come, I think she would've shoved dad off her that night.

So, by now little brother you're thinking to yourself, 'oh shit I'm f-ing demon spawn, I'm a goddamned demon... I'm doomed to evil... I'm evil... I'm going to wage war on humanity and cause untold death and destruction...' come on now... I KNOW you... better than you know yourself, and I swear to you Sam... knowing that's what you're thinking... I'm going to tell you, YOU"RE WRONG.

And I'll get to WHY you're wrong in just a sec. I don't know if you remember much about your 9th summer. I was 13, it was the summer Dad dropped me in a vortex in Sasquahana National Forest... yeah, I ran across Aaron Beyers on the way back to you guys, but that's not the point... the point is... while I was in that vortex, the demon, yeah, our very own YED... used creatures called the Foenwyn to try and ride the wave into both dad and me. It used their powers to keep you captive, and they in turn sucked the life out of dad. He almost died... you don't remember, but the day after the night it all ended... he wound up in the hospital for almost a week... almost all of his systems had shut down from their use... anyway, that's neither here nor there... the point of my telling you this is that the yellow eyed demon was crafty... it showed me what happened that night in the cabin after we, (as adults), took dad back. I hadn't been sure at the time that it was You and me, but I knew it was dad and me... so it made sense that it was you who was holding the gun on dad. I begged you Sam, not to shoot dad, and it was the right call.

If you'd done what dad asked, I wouldn't have had this extra 2 years with you, the Yellow Eyed Demon WANTED dad dead. It tried to get me to kill him back then, then when I wouldn't, it tried to get you to do it in the future.

When we were in that cabin, when I was dying it was okay Sam... it really was, cause I already knew you'd honor MY wishes over dad's plea to end it all. I'm going to tell you right here and now, You DID RIGHT... You didn't give in to that thing or what it wanted, and I can't begin to tell you how much joy that gives me!

Okay... WHY You're wrong...You think you're 'deemonic spawn', you think you're 'destined' to be evil... I say, bullshit.

See, a few years after you were born, ... I was... I don't know... maybe seven or so... you couldn'ta been more than three I guess... that thing... the 'other' the 'marauder' who's troops you feel solely responsible for loosing into the world... you know... the ones who's arrival had you pressing your gun into your chin not so long ago?... Yeah, them... the Igigi... their king is a being called Anunnaki... he possessed me once. And he used me to try to kill you Sam. What he didn't understand until it was almost too late, is that we only ever really lose if we kill hope, (remember Pandora's box Sam?) I can hear you y'know? I can hear you and see you, my hand holding you down on Pastor Jim's desk, a bloody knife in my left hand, so close... too close... and I couldn't stop it, but YOU did. That's when he understood what it all means. Like you told me after we set Maggie free, 'Hope is kinda the whole point...'... and that's YOU box-boy...

It was YOUR faith in me, YOUR FAITH period, that saved your life then, at least I'm fairly sure it was. With everything we've been through... well... when we were working the Turnbull case, when we ran across Enki and Tiamat and the bell... I learned a lot Sam. And this time I remembered it.

I'm asking you... and I'm telling you... DON'T be scared... I'm telling you what I've learned, what I've discovered, what I have seen in the wheel of time's passages little brother.

Evils will seek to undermine you, you are the axis. I may be the foundation upon which you build Sam, but it is YOU who must build, it is YOU who is the axis, it is YOU who will determine what the shape our universe is to become, and it is YOU who has to realize that NONE of THEM can make you do anything YOU CHOOSE NOT TO, though they'll all each try to convince you otherwise, each to their own way of thinking.

Don't worry little brother, we've danced this dance more times than mankind has days, and it's alright. YOU are alright, and you're ALL right... find the faith in yourself that I have, and have always had in you. Be strong for both of us, we will after all be back.

And remember Sammy, you have always been and will always be loved.

Don't mourn, don't grieve (save for yourself), cry if you must, but trust in me, trust in what I've told you here, after all, I am the big brother, and you know what that means.

Live strong and safe Sam.

Your loving brother.

Sam

The clock's running down on you Dean, and I've tried everything, I've looked everywhere... and I've got nuthing... and I'm sorry...

I've tried so hard to save you, to do for you just one little bit of everything you've always done so well for me. I don't know how to talk to you Dean, we've come a long way in the last couple years, so much so that I finally feel like we're more than just brothers... I don't know who else in the world I could expect to look up to as I do to you. Sorry... don't mean to chickflick on ya... but maybe I kinda need to get it out of the way while you're still here... after all... God help me... I haven't been any good at finding a way to save you you freakin dumbass!

God Dean! Why'd you have to do it? Why'd you have to go make a deal for my God forsaken life? My soul's already forfeit... don't you know that? Didn't your 'big brother awesomeness', your astounding 'Hunter's Prowess' clue you in to the fact that I'm supposed to be evil?!

I wish I could tell you all the things I should've said when there was more time. I'm so sorry for everything, for all the times I wasn't there when I should have been, for all the times you gave and you gave and you gave... and I never took the time to consider what it was that you were giving. Not just you, not just YOUR freedom, but everything, everything I ever had that was worthwhile Dean... like I told you not so long ago, after the whole Dryad thing... everything that's been good in my life is because of you. And all I've done is take... and for that I'm more sorry than you could ever imagine.

Everything I've had I've owed to you, don't think I don't know that... but so help me Dean... I can't do this without you...no matter what I promised, you have to realize, they were promises made in vain, promises I gave that I'm not capable of keeping, I can't, and I WON'T.

There's so much you don't know... so many things I've never been able to tell you, I've been so ashamed and so afraid. You don't know how hard it was to tell you about my visions... I know how much you HATE anything like me, anything that has some kind of ability that doesn't fit at least some aspect of 'normal'... Thank God for Missouri... you can't know how much she assuaged my fears after I told you about my visions, you accepted her so there was hope you could still accept me. And you did. Once again, you surprised the hell out of me. Are you aware? I mean, do you KNOW you're blind when it comes to me Dean? When it comes to anyone you love, you're completely blind, thank God for that cause I couldn't have borne the idea of being a disappointment to you after knowing how much of a failure dad always thought I was. Yeah I know... not scholastically, but as a hunter, as worthwhile progeny, he never considered me up to par.

I don't know if I ever said thank you for all the times you ran interference while I was doing homework, or studying for my equivalencies, I do know though that I never said it enough so, Thank You Dean... Thank you for giving me that much freedom from the hunting world dad would have buried us both under. If it's not what you wanted, if I misunderstood and you really hated it instead of enjoying being the Don Quixote De La USA, I'm sorry... it's just that over the last couple years I've started to see things differently than I used to. Sorry it took so long.

Just so you know, it doesn't matter that I didn't finish law school, that I never got the full-on normalcy, it's okay... well except for losing Jess, that part still makes me bleed inside, then Madison... sheesh... I forsee a long relationship with the Latin Spice Channel... relax, I'll try to hook up with someone once every 3 to five years... how's that? Course I'll probably have to kill her so I might as well just look for evil chicks to begin with... yeah... funny right?

Point is, thanks for giving me the opportunity to TRY to have normal. For four years I got to live in one place, hang with the same people, make some friends, feel what stability was like, (I'll tell you a little something you'll probably laugh at... well I can hear you laugh about it anyway... every few months while I was at Stanford it was like some internal clock had gone off and I'd get this weird restlessness. It took about a year before I made the connection, TOO MUCH time in one place, I wasn't used to it. So I took to rearranging the furniture every few months, just to make it feel like I'd actually moved... and believe it or not, it kinda worked! It messed Jess up a bit once in a while, but she was very patient, I wish you'd had a chance to get to know her Dean, you would've loved her, you were a lot alike...), still, I never woulda had that without you backing me up in all the quiet ways you did. I wonder if dad ever knew how much you helped me? I wonder what he would have done if he'd realized just how much your 'interference' enabled me to score that full ride. Hmmm.

I told you once that even at Stanford, I never really fit in, it didn't shock you did it? You knew, somehow Dean you've ALWAYS known... maybe it IS cause you're the big brother, I don't know, but I'm still smart enough to know how lucky I am that you gave me the wings to try.

I don't have the strength to tell you this to your face, (and I don't want to ruin the relief you're obviously enjoying so much since you think you're setting the universe back to right... you're WRONG Dean... but we've already gone through that haven't we? You still don't believe you never really died and that's okay, I understand you're tired, and you deserve the rest. You've worn so many hats, had so many duties all your life... a lifetime's worth of roles in a very short 29 years, brother, mentor, father figure, and incredibly intuitive hunter... I wish I had half the instincts you do... you really amaze me big brother)... anyway, fact is I'm scared Dean.

There's things you don't know, things I've done, things I should be ashamed of... You know I had visions of Jess dying the way she did, and I still went with you... you told me once to blame you for it since you were the one who 'dragged me away'... but I couldn't Dean, I couldn't blame you for providing the excuse for me to escape. My guts told me I wouldn't be able to stop her death, I was too much of a coward... looking for any excuse NOT to be there when she died then you showed up and I coulda hugged you dude, not that it mattered in the long run, I still watched the woman I loved slaughtered... I think the yellow eyed bastard waited for us to get back just so he could show me what I'd caused. I hope one day Jess will forgive me.

On a positive note, after losing Jess the only fear I had left was the possibility of losing you, but you were always too good a hunter for that to be a REAL fear. I'll never know how you managed to balance doing the job as well as you always have, with saving my sorry ass on as many occasions as you did, all while finding a way to enjoy every little bit of life you could find outside the gig... You're an amazing man Dean... I can see you smirking y'know... but I'm being serious here, I wish I could be more like you sometimes.

I never told you that much about wanting to escape before Jess's murder, but I'm guessing after I told you about the visions you probably had your suspicions, but that's not all Dean. I meant what I said after we met Max Miller, that we were lucky to have had dad the way he was instead of trying to drown in a whiskey bottle looking for a regular life, but there's things I did after that.

You know I tried a few times to get control over my abilities, but it was so painful, and I couldn't stand the thought of becoming something you could hate, but it didn't matter really, after you told me what dad's last message to you was, and that you might one day have to... it was kind of a relief y'know? But then when you wouldn't... even though it was really Meg who almost killed Jo, and shot you... (sorry about that by the way, but at least it really wasn't me that time). But the whole cult thing, the Igigi getting out, damnit Dean my existence is a plague on the world and you still won't freakin' kill me! AND you had the god damned audacity to BRING ME BACK when I was already dead! You shouldn't have done that! Without you here Don't you get it? Don't you understand that without you here to keep the ground steady under my feet that I'm going to fall! and you aren't going to be there to catch me! You're not going to be here to turn to when my fury rages out of control, you're not going to be here to cool the fires in my head when all I want to do is RAGE at the world for taking you away from me, for making me the living blight I'm destined to become! There won't be a last second reprieve Dean! I won't wake from the nightmare and find myself held fast in your hand, keeping me from falling into hell's very mouth! And now it's even worse cause I WANT to live.

I know what the Yellow eyed demon said to you in the cemetery, I know he tried to sow the seeds of doubt about what you bargained for with your own soul, but I know you better than that, I know you would have made all the right stipulations to the crossroad demon, but you shouldn't have Dean. You should have saved yourself.

He showed me something after he took me to the town where Jake killed me, I swore I'd never lay this burden on you but I can't carry it alone any longer, so once more I add to your pain instead of being able to take away from it.

He showed me, and it might have been a lie I know, but I don't think it was. Mom knew the yellow eyed son of a bitch, he came that night to infuse me with his own blood, he made me part demon Dean, he made me something kill-worthy and you never could see it, but dad found out didn't he? Else he wouldn't have told you you might have to kill me one day. I hope you're right about there being a choice, and I hope I'm strong enough to make the right choice, to keep fighting against the stain in my blood, on my soul. But without you, I'm not sure I can.

Truth be told, I don't plan on it. If hell is where you'll be for making the deal you did, we'll be together again sooner than you think. I'd rather be there with you than up here alone fighting against my destiny. I wouldn't y'know... You're everything that makes me want to be more, be better but I can't live on a memory, I can't fight alone, but I make you this promise Dean, I WILL try, for as long as I can bear it, to make you proud. I won't taint your sacrifice if I can help it. Somehow I'll try to make you proud, I'll try.

So big brother, there's so much more to say, but I'll leave you with this, there are more smiles in my world because of you than there ever would have been without you.

Blanket forts on Saturday mornings with strawberry pop tarts and cartoons, Friday night pizzas with Son of Svengoolie and cheesy horror movies that didn't know squat about the monsters they portrayed, things I never had to fear because I knew you were always just an arms reach away.

I have this crazy memory, at least I think it's a memory... of you chasing me around waving a diaper over your head while dad chased you... in a blacktop parking lot in the summer... whenever I need to find a little gold inside, that's just one of places I get it.

You taught me how to find bits of peace, whether it was skinny dipping in the pond by Bobby's, or curled at your side on a hospital bed after an encounter with a deranged ogre, and you always took the time to make me feel important, you made me feel like I belonged even now, even after we found out just how different I am... If more people had half the heart you do we wouldn't have to worry about demons, devils and darkness.

The world is a far better place for your having been in it Dean, and only I am going to know what it's truly lost right off the bat, but it will know eventually that it lost something great.

I never said it enough... it scared me to say it, I thought you'd think less of me if I told you once in a while... but I was wrong, it took a long time to see how easily you give your heart so I tell you... I'm going to miss you Dean, and I'm sorry I couldn't save you like you've saved me on so many occasions.

Thank you for being my big brother, thank you for giving so much of yourself so freely and teaching me how to be a better person.

I love you.