The following is a non-profit fan-based parody. Dragonball, Dragonball Z, and Dragonball GT are all owned by Funimation, Toei Animation, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the Official release.
And the Abridged series, upon which this is based upon.
That shit's hilarious.
In another dimension, much like our own, except with talking Dogs and cats, much more advanced scientific progress, and innumerable secretly confirmed alien contacts, there is an alternative dimension of that world, much like our own.
In the first world, Son Goku, also known as Kakarot, had a brother. His name was Raditz.
Raditz was kind of an asshole. His dad didn't pay attention to him, nobody bothered to train him, and he was overly reliant upon technology for his sense of self-fulfillment as a result of an absent father and the fact that, when it came to training with all the other Saiyan boys and girls, he was kind of a pansy. And that's terrible.
But in this other universe, Raditz was never born, because his father, Bardock, while really giving it to his Frieza-designated Saiyan mate, decided, instead of pulling out and reconsidering all of his life choices, decided to just get it over with and keep it in. And thus, a far more interesting and involved character was conceived, rather than the quickly-forgotten, disregarded one-time villain who was little more than a laughingstock to all his colleagues. Instead, Tamata was born.
As a result, Raditz was wasted later that day into a sock while Bardock fanaticized about-Well you've heard a little too much already, so we'll just cut it off there and leave you wondering.
Now, the thing is, Bardock was kind of a sexist prick. I mean, the whole Saiyan race was, really, so Bardock wasn't any more of a sexist prick than anybody else. Even less so, in fact, given that he actually thought that women could be capable fighters instead of hardass baby-makers the way all the other Saiyan guys saw them.
He was still a sexist prick, though, and figured that, given that he wasn't particularly high ranking, his kid was probably not going to turn out well unless he, you know, actually looked after his daughter like any reasonable father ought to (coughcoughGokucoughcough.) Now, had he not, she would have more or less turned out exactly like her counterpart, Raditz, and gotten totally owned by Piccolo on Earth along with her brother, and events would have occurred exactly as they had in that first universe, except that Nappa wouldn't have made that Fraggles joke that only Vegeta and Tien got. Literally, the only difference.
But he didn't. Bardock decided to be a present father. Doesn't mean he was a good father, but things turned out way better for Tamata than for Raditz.
Except for that whole 'arm' thing. But we'll get to that later. Instead, we begin with Episode One.
THE RETURN OF TAMATA…Wait…
It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping. The eagles are hunting, and eating said chirping birds. Deer are frolicking and eating grass. Farmers are out near their fields, illegally hunting and eating said frolicking deer. The, um, emus are out in the fields. Seriously, emus? Those things are fricking mean. The Australian army once fought a war against Emus. Australia lost. No seriously, that's true, go look it up. Who the hell would raise Emus?
Suddenly, this peaceful scene is disrupted when a meteorite flew out of nowhere and crashes into a marijuana carrot patch, much to the surprise of the pot grower and fighting Emu rancher carrot and Emu farmer who owned that land. Seriously don't feel that bad about this guy.
"Oh God no my Marijuana patch, I-I-I mean, err, my carrot patch! …Yeah!" he exclaimed, to nobody but the Emus and the poached deer he was gutting (female, and out of season. Yeah. Guess who shot Bambi's mom? Seriously. Do NOT feel bad for this guy.)
He quickly scrambled into the truck, callously allowing the deer carcass to fall off the truck and onto the ground, thinking to himself, "I better do what any sensible Middle American would do in this situation: Get mah gun!"
Of course, disregarding the dozen or so underpaid, underfed, and abused migrant workers that did most of the work on his ranch, and were responsible for organizing much of his business. Seriously this guy is just about the worst.
He cocked his weapon, not because it needing cocking, but because the sound and feeling turned him on, leaving the unused bullet on the ground to later be eaten and chocked on by one of his emus, a prized fighter of nearly five years, now retired and being used as breeding stock. He adjusted his NRA hat as he approached the smoldering crater. Yep. Lifelong membership in fact, voting whichever way they told him to. Douche. Bag.
He gawked down into the crater, at the spherical starship as it opened, a blindingly white light emitting as a figure, easily six and a half feet tall, slowly emerged while the pod chimed out, "Welcome to Earth. With open bar."
"HOLY CRAP, IT'S SONIC THE HEDGEHOG-Err, Rule Sixty Three I guess," the farmer yelped at the top of his lungs, "Err, nope. It's an alien! HOLY SH*T IT'S AN ALIEN!"
"Finally, on this dead plan-wait…" the alien began, in the Universal Language (English), "What the crap? Did Kakarot screw this up? Oh thank God, I'm so glad we didn't send Turles."
"Better think of something cool to say to make mah introduction," the farmer said, looking her up and down. He slung his weapon over his shoulder and said in his best 'suave' voice, "Hey Purdy!"
With a smug grin, he thought, "Hehe. Genius, Farmer. Genius."
"Aw, look at him. He thinks he's people," Tamata rolled her eyes and pressed the button on her Scouter, "What's your power level, little Human? Five, huh?"
She took a couple steps toward him, while Farmer readjusted his NRA hat, "Hey, ya like mah gun?"
Despite being a 'responsible gun owner,' Farmer's weapon discharged while he was improperly holding his weapon with the safety off. Before he could even flinch, Tamata disappeared and caught the bullet behind him before it could land and hurt someone.
"Uh, no. Not impressed, Human," she rolled the bullet between her fingers, then rested it between her thumb and forefinger, "Dumb human."
She flicked the bullet at him, splitting the gun in two while he screamed, "GAH I VOTED FOR BUSH!" Blood spattered all over the front of his truck as his arm dangled by a few threads of skin.
Tamata rubbed her face, "Dumb. Now get back up and tell me you're sorry."
The farmer just gawked and gasped.
"Human?" she raised her eyebrows.
"…Sorry…?" Farmer offered, clutching at his dangling arm, "Wh-What'd Ah do?"
"I don't like being catcalled," she shrugged, and she picked him up, pulling a device out of her belt, "Now, this will only hurt for the rest of your life."
She jabbed him in the bloody stump of an arm, drawing blood into the tube attached to it while the farmer writhed and protested.
"Git yer filthy paws off me ya damn dirty Monkey bitch!"
Tamata blinked at him, "Did you just-Really? I am HOLDING YOU UP with one arm, after flicking a bullet at you that TOOK YOUR ARM OFF, and you're calling me a BITCH? And here I was all sort of hopeful about your species."
With a short energy blast from her hand, there was nothing left of Farmer, save for the DNA sample she held in her other hand.
"Now where's my little brother? Big Sis wants to have a little reunion."
INTRO TITLE
It was a hot and dreary day. There was barely any signs of life, no birds, no hawks, no deer, and only a single green-skinned figure wearing a cape and turban, standing on top of a mountain. Well, more of a plateau.
"Ah, good ole Wasteland. Yep! This sure is some kick-ass training! Dammit I'm lonely. Might as well check MySpace. No new comments…No friend requests…Dammit. Well I at least have you, Tom. You'er always there for me," Piccolo sighed.
"HEY! YOU!" Piccolo's ears perked up at the sudden sound.
"What the-"
"Are you Kakarot? Seriously, if you are, stay still, I need to talk to you about conquering and enslaving this planet! It's REALLY important!" the voice called out again. Within a split second, Tamata appeared before Piccolo. At six and a half feet tall, she stood at Piccolo's height. She had long, black hair that was kept from poofing out and going into the normal Saiyan spikey by a series of hair bands. Her armor covered her chest without suppressing the bulk of her bust. She wore leggings that stopped at her knees, but no sleeves, showing off her muscular arms. Her boots went up nearly as high as her knee as well, but didn't accent her thick calves as these were large, heavy combat boots. Tamata had a warrior's body, as she was bulky, broad-shouldered, tall, and had better muscle tone than most Gym rats. Her tail wrapped around her waist.
Her scouter bleeped out Power Level readings, "Wait a second, you're not Kakarot. My bad."
"I've got green skin, pointy ears, and a turban. I must look like SO many other people."
"Oh, a smartass, huh? I don't appreciate smartasses. Seeing as you're the highest power level I've detected since I came to this palent, and you're not human, I think it's best if I just kill you now. Prepare yourself for my signature attack! KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE BIR-Oooh, a higher power level!" Tamata leaped into the air, and watched her Scouter for location of the new signature.
"HEY! What the hell? Weren't you going to kill me?" Piccolo called up to her.
"Ah, there we go. Considering the average Power level set by this one green guy and that idiot farmer, the chances of this being Kakarot are-Oh screw it I'll just go and check."
"Fine! Go ahead! I didn't want your company anyway!...Right Tom?"
"Holy Black on a Popo what is THAT?!" Tamata's Scouter picked up someone speaking in the distance as she approached the singular island in the middle of the ocean. Seriously, who builds a house on an island like that? It's smaller than Frieza's starship! The logistics of constructing such a house out here, given the technological benchmark of this planet, would be insufferable to deal with! Tamata could build such a house in a few hours given her strength and technical expertise, but a human, out here? It was actually kind of impressive, if idiotic.
"What's wrong?" a second voice asked.
"I just felt a power level bigger than…Krillin's losing streak!" the first said.
"…You know, you guys are the reason I go to therapy," a third whimpered, "Shouldn't we grab Gohan and go insi-"
Tamata landed on the island in front of five people. Three male humans, a female, and a child. With a tail? No, that was a Saiyan boy. How could there be a Saiyan child here? Was that Kakarot? The pod would keep him as a child if something were to happen to the pod and remained unopened. Perhaps that was the reason this planet was yet to be destroyed; Kakarot had yet to grow up. Which meant…She would have to raise him herself. Oh dear.
Her eyes started on the boy, but flickered to the black-haired man standing in front of her, and her eyes widened. Not only was this the Power Level she'd detected, but he was a spitting image of her father. Same height, same hair, almost the same face…No scars, though, and something about the jaw and brow made him just a little bit off, making him seem a bit more like her mother.
"Oh son of a…" the short, bald one whined.
"It took me a while to get here, but I finally found you…Kakarot," she announced. He blinked at her.
"…What?"
"That's right, that's your name."
"…What?"
"The name you were given before we sent you to this planet."
"…What?"
"You…Hit your head as a child, didn't you?" she groaned.
"…What?"
"Oh for God's sakes, listen! You were sent here as a child to take over the planet! You're part of a dead race of intergalactic super-warriors called the Saiyans! And to top off this expositional onslaught…I am your sister!"
The four adults all took turns gasping as a crab fell off a tree.
"…So you're his sister, huh? So that means you'll be involved in a LOT of future events, right? Right?" the short, bald one approached her. He barely reached up to her waist, but even so, he stood and puffed out his chest, showing his muscles and arms. Oh boy.
"Yes, that is the intention. Now, if you'll excuse me I really must-" she tooka step to the left, but he stepped to match her.
"So does Goku have a brother-in law, too?" The human asked. Tamata stared at him as he kept on, "Huh? Huh?"
She kicked him into the side of the house.
KRILLIN OWNED COUNT: 1
"What did I say?" he grumbled. Her tail twitched around in annoyance.
"Hey! Stop hitting Krillin!" Kakarot pointed at her.
"Why?" she asked, "He hit on me. So I hit back."
"Because you're breaking Kame house!" Kakarot insisted.
"Yeah…Stop breaking Kame house…" Krillin groaned.
"So, what are you here for? The Dragon Balls?" Kakarot demanded.
She blinked at him, "The Dragon's what?
"The Dragon Balls! There are seven of them? They grant you any wish you want? Like Immortality!" Kakarot explained.
"Or Bulma's panties!" a new voice called out from the house.
Meanwhile, on another planet very far away…
"Vegeta, did you hear that?" Nappa asked.
"Oh yeah, we're totally going to Earth to get our wish!" Vegeta smiled.
"Yeah we're gonna get panties! I mean immortality! Immortality's what I meant! Right Vegeta?"
"…Just get in the damn pod."
On Earth…
"No. I'm here for you, Kakarot,"
"So, what are we gonna do? See a ball game? Catch a movie?" Kakarot asked.
"We're going to conquer this planet, so as to re-found our species and spark a revolution to kill an Alien overlord who probably destroyed our own planet."
"Ew! Well, uh, I don't really want to do that…With my, uh…Sister…I already have Chichi, so…With all due respect?"
Did he just-No. No frickin way he's that stupid. Tamata, before really thinking about this, kneed Kakarot in the chest, sending him into the beach and leaving a sandy crater.
"Not with you!" Tamata rolled her eyes. The Saiyan boy yelled for his father and ran to him, but Tamata plucked him up, "I'll be taking this, yoink! If you won't help me conquer this planet, then your son at least proves my theory about these people. Come find me if you change your mind!"
Tamata took off into the sky, carrying the wriggling and screaming boy in her arm while Kakarot called for them. She sensed the green man passing her earlier. Perhaps she should have killed him on the spot.
Oh well.
She could do that later. She held the boy up to her face.
"Hello little one," she pulled out the DNA extractor she'd used on the farmer, "First, why don't you bleed for Auntie Tamata? It'll only sting for a bit. Then we'll have lots of fun, you and I."
The boy yelled and wriggled harder, unable to break her grasp. She jabbed him with the needle, and he punched her in the face, causing her to drop him. With a single move, she grabbed him by the tail, and hoisted him back up.
"Hold still, you'll only make it hurt more! There! All done! Jeez! Now shut up, you're giving me a headache, kid! Augh! I said shut up! This is gonna be a long flight…"