"Big Sister..."
A Suikoden II© fanfiction
By J.N.O.
june_mermaid@yahoo.com
"Just once... please... call me... 'Big sister'...."
Even when they said she was gone, I didn't want to believe it. Nanami was always there for me; she was by my side in every fight even when we both knew how much she hated the whole idea of the war. All she had ever wanted was for her, Jowy, and I to go somewhere far away from all the fighting to live happily ever after. In spite of that, she still fought alongside me, protected me. My Big Sister.
Then she was struck down, trying to protect me one more time; one last time. She had been so happy in spite of herself to see Jowy and I unite against a common enemy for her sake, to see us finally get along like the friends we had once been. I could never hate Jowy, just as I think he could never have hated me. But we both knew our destiny; the runes had put a rift between us that only Nanami seemed able to breach in her innocent and heartfelt love of us both. She was the one thing that could reach us both in spite of everything. With Nanami gone, that rift seemed so much larger, and I don't think I will ever reach Jowy again. I've lost both of those most dear to me.
For a moment, as I lay in my bed gazing up at the darkened ceiling through a blur of tears, I think it might have been better if I had surrendered, had let Jowy have his way long before then. The fighting would have ended, and Nanami would still be here to tease me, to wake me up in her incessantly cheery way each morning, to love me as my only remaining family. But there was just no way I could have given in, and Jowy was just as determined not to fold as I was.
Why, Nanami had asked me, why do we have to fight? We were just kids, though now I feel as though I've aged a hundred years. I try to, but I can barely remember how I and my two dearest friends-- my family --got so tangled up in this chaos. I can only think of Nanami.
I sit up slowly, pushing aside the coverlet, letting it fall over my lap beneath my hands. My eyes have just begun to dry, and I can see the Bright Shield upon my right hand... and I begin to cry again. Maybe if I had been in there to help Dr. Huan. My rune could heal the wounded. Why couldn't it heal the one that meant the most to me? Why did Nanami have to die? She was so brave; she made me brave just by being so. She was so bright, even with all the dark times. She only wanted things to be better, wanted me and Jowy to be happy. And because of all that, she died... and I couldn't save her, even with this stupid, stupid rune.
I should be sleeping now; the others expect me to be well-rested for tomorrow, for another battle in this war. The end of it is in sight, Shu has said, but that statement that was once comforting holds little meaning now. I had promised Nanami that we could go away and live peacefully after the war ended; what would I do now when it was over..? Without Nanami?
Tearing my eyes from the blurred form of my rune-bearing hand, I climb out of bed. As I change into my clothes, I dimly wonder who'll be the one to wake me in the morning. Did it matter? It wouldn't be Nanami anymore.
I wander the halls of the castle like a specter, pretending not to see the looks of deep concern and sympathy on the faces of the guards, of my friends, of any I pass. Some of them reach out for a sympathetic touch of my arm, or a squeeze to my shoulder. Others try sad smiles in hopes getting one in return; I try to oblige them and feign a smile as best I can... though I'm sure I've failed miserably.
Time finds me in the tavern, where a few of the others sit by themselves, lost in thought or in drink. When the door shuts behind me, all eyes turn to me in silence. I swallow around the hard lump in my throat and say nothing, leaden feet finally obeying my command to take steps toward the bar. I pass one table, and feel Rina's eyes on me, see her smile as I look toward her. She tells me it's okay if I cry. I can only nod a little in silence, then move on.
I pass another table. Flik raises his eyes from the tankard of ale he's probably been drowning himself in, and I can see his own eyes are damp. "I know how you feel," I hear him say, and looking at him, I can see that he does. I don't know who or what he's lost, but for a moment I feel a bit of kinship with him, as well as very sorry. My own situation must be making him remember his past misfortune.
After what seems like days, I'm finally standing in front of the bar, staring hard at the wooden surface darkened with ring after ring of wood warped by countless glasses of drink. I don't know why I'm here; it just seemed the place to go. A scraping sound makes me raise my eyes, and I find Leona standing in front of me on the other side of the bar, a drink I can't identify sitting before me. She doesn't say anything this time, only utters my name very quietly with that air of sympathy.
I'm not thirsty at all, but I take a drink or two just to appease Leona. Turning my back to the bar, I take measured steps back the way I came in silence. Again, everywhere I turn I find concerned faces, shows of sympathy and worry for me. They all look to me, the way I always looked to Nanami.
I return to my room, stopping in the doorway to look across the way to the window. My tears have returned, though this time I wipe them away almost irritably. Nanami would tease me so much if she knew I was crying like this, maybe even yell at me. I'm supposed to be a leader, I have so many people to keep under my wing. They look to me for encouragement and hope.
I have to get rest, so I can be prepared for tomorrow. I'm not a little boy anymore; my Big Sister isn't here to look after me now, and people still depend on me. I have to be strong for them, be strong just like her.
"Big Sister..."
Author's Notes: Never before has a scene in an RPG touched me so much. Sure, it's probably partly because Nanami was, hands-down, my favorite character... but still. Her death in Rockaxe trying to protect the hero (who I named Jem, if any of ya care ;) was really emotional, and inspiring for all that it disappointed me. Obviously, this is a "hypothetical" fic-- that is, it's based on events that happened in MY play through of the game, and might not be entirely accurate for everyone. ^_^ I also made a concerted effort not to "personalize" the fic by using the names I chose for the hero, his army, or his castle. Hopefully I did okay. ^_^;;