This is a fixup up for End Game, because I still to this day resent how they ended Voyager.
The title comes from the song 'Breezeblocks by Alt-j' which always reminds me of the tragedy that J/C ultimetly was.
Any mistakes/typos are mine and I hope you can overlook any that I've missed.
Four years before returning to earth.
"How long have you wanted this to happen?"
The words send a shiver down Kathryn's spine. Hands clenched around the fabric of bedsheets, the warm body on top of hers caused a small gasp to escape her lips. She could barely form any coherent thought let alone answer the question that hung in the air.
In that moment it was almost as if nothing else existed. No Voyager, no rules and no one judging them.
They were finally free to immerse themselves in something both of them had felt since the beginning. Just two people who shared a deep connection that neither of them had planned finally experiencing a new part of their relationship.
A soft pair of lips brushed against the skin of her neck and she could feel Chakotay slowly moving on top of her. It caused her eyes to flutter shut and she sighed with content as her own hands held on tightly to her First Officer's lean back.
"How long?" He asks again softly in between kisses, moving from her neck down to her collar bone.
"For a long time." Kathryn confesses breathlessly and the answer seemed to please him.
After several more second of grinding and sloppy kisses, Chakotay moved back up to her face. Both of them were breathing heavily and desperate for release but also clearly wanting the moment to last for as long as possible.
Turning her head so their noses bumped against each other, she found her lovers mouth and captured it in a smouldering kiss."Ouch!" Chakotay gasps half in pain and half in pleasure as she bit down on his bottom lip.
When he pulls back for a second, Kathryn was sure she saw a flicker of worry in those dark eyes. But she soon reassures him by pulling him back down and continuing the frantic kiss.
Feeling her arousal finally getting the better of her Kathryn couldn't help but entwine her fingers with Chakotay's and slowly move them down towards her core.
"Chakotay, please." She breathed desperately, hoping her tone conveyed how much she needed this. They had waited long enough even to get to be in the same room alone, let alone bed.
That second she felt two fingers slip inside of her, her head rolled back onto the pillow as the tension that'd been building up finally began to be let go.
Hours later after they were finally spent and the adrenaline had disappeared, reality set in and Kathryn made sure Chakotay knew that this could never happen again.
The rift her decision had caused had ruined everything, even their once unbreakable friendship. By their final year in space they barely spoke unless it was work related.
Two weeks after returning to earth
"When did it start?" A voice he barely recognized anymore asked. They'd been back on Earth for more than a week and this was the first time he'd been alone with Kathryn. There'd been formal functions of course and each time they feigned friendliness when amongst other people. But this was the first time no one else was within the vicinity and he was nervous.
"When did what start?" He finally replied, his eyes stuck on the lone figure on the balcony. Kathryn wasn't facing him, she was overlooking the lavish grounds of where the 'Welcome Home' dinner was taking place. It was a relief not having to look into her eyes. Gone was the warmness she held for him and replaced with a stoic stranger that showed absolutely no emotion. He despised the person she'd turned into
"The resentment," her voice cracked as if she could read his thoughts, "when did you start to hate me, Chakotay?" The question was soft and simple, if it'd been spoken by anyone else Chakotay may of felt sorry for them. But the person in front of him had a manipulative nature, something he'd only come to realise during the last few years aboard Voyager.
He shifted his weight from one leg to the other. A part of him was debating not answering her. He'd only come out for some air and when he's spotted her standing there he'd planned on backing away. Somehow she'd known he was behind her though and that's how he was still stood there.
The sound of laugher from inside grabbed his attention for a second and he glanced over his shoulder. It would be much easier to walk back in and re-join his real friends. Seven was waiting for him by the bar after he promised he wouldn't be long. He yearned for the simplicity of the younger woman's attention, but he yearned more to be near the person he'd loved for seven long years more. Even if it did cause him nothing but pain in the end.
There was a shift and Kathryn had turned to face him. The instant their eyes met Chakotay was reminded just how deep of a connection he and the redhead had. So much emotion was silently passed between them and he was almost afraid to speak.
"Hate you?" He replied, disbelief etching his tanned features, "It takes a lot of love to end up hating someone like you."
She looks like she's been slapped in the face and for a moment he's satisfied. Good, she deserved it.
But then he see's moisture pool behind grey eyes and he breaks. In an instant he steps towards her, but she raises her hands to keep him at arms length.
"No, don't touch me." she snaps while angrily wiping away at her eyes. This is a rare sight for him, she's usually so composed. The mask of indifference never slipped like this before and he wonders just how much their return to earth has affected her.
He's about to try and speak to her again when he hears the tell tale sound of heels behind him.
"Chakotay?" Seven's crisp voice breaks the tension in the air and the moment is lost. His attention is now fully on the blonde and he lamely makes his excuses and re enters the building with her.
One month after returning to earth.
"Do you still hate me?"
The deep, raspy voice catches him by surprise. He'd intended to leave the same way as always, quietly and without any parting words.
It was a sordid affair that had begun shortly after their encounter on the balcony.
With his back still to her form Chakotay simply shrug his shoulders. Now that he knows she's awake he doesn't have to move around with caution.
He's had already managed to find his jeans, and was in the process of buttoning up the chequered shirt that'd been carelessly removed hours prior.
Chakotay hears a deep sigh behind him and chances a glance over his shoulder at her. Kathryn is sat up somewhat, her elbows supporting her upper body. Her eyes are heavy lidded from exhaustion, but they still manage to pierce through him.
"Why would you ask me that?" he ask her with genuine curiosity.
While on Voyager things had been simpler, as much he hates to admit that. Although they were not free to act upon their obvious feelings, the innocence of her friendship was enough. It was the happiest he'd ever been and would give anything to go back to that time. But he can't and he's not sure he'll ever be as content again.
At first it had almost felt the same as before. But the heavy weight of his relationship with Seven had made things corrosive between them. When they had sex it wasn't loving like one blissful encounter they'd had on Voyager , it was quick and brutal. If Kathryn has an issue with this she didn't show it, Maybe she didn't really care anymore to bother; maybe they were punishing each other the only way they knew how.
"Well?" he presses, feigning aloofness by getting up from the bed and gathering the rest of his things.
"You're not behaving like you even like me," Kathryn replies not really answering. Her evasiveness irritates him and he tries his best not to react.
Chakotay needs to look at her though, to see if this conversation actually means something or if she truly is just filling the silence with empty words.
Turning around she's now adjusted her position again. Now she's leaning against the headboard, her arms crossed over her chest and the sheets pulled up to cover her modesty.
"What are you really asking, Kathryn?" He asks and watches as a flurry of emotions flash within her grey eyes. Even when her face remains stoic Kathryn's eyes have always been a way he can decipher what she's truly feeling. "I can't be the other woman," she confesses but there's an edge to her voice that tells him as soon as he leaves she's going to cry. "And I don't want Seven to be either."
Slowly he rounds the bed to sit next to her legs, he's disappointed when she turns her head. .
He take one of her hands in his and for a moment is transfixed by her porcelain skin, slowly turning it over in his own larger hand, before settling to simply hold it gently.
"I love you, Kathryn," he says simply and feels a weight being lifted from his shoulders. No matter what happens from now on it's no longer a secret that he's been holding for seven years.
"I don't think you do," she whispers so quietly that he'd almost missed what she said.
He uses his free hand to place under her chin and gently turn her head towards him. A single tear rolls down her cheek and he catches it with his finger.
"You're the only woman who's ever held my heart." He hopes she believes him because he doesn't know how else to say just how much of a hold she has on him body and soul.
They're a tangled mess of sweat and sheets by the time they finish again, this time though he doesn't get up to leave. He stays there with Kathryn in his arms. There was no roughness that time, it was just gentle.
"Chakotay," he hears her voice from where she's burrowed her face next to his neck.
"Yeah?"
"I love you to."
His heart clenches in his chest.
He doesn't leave her side that night and sleeps more soundly than he has in months.
The next day he ends his relationship with Seven and the former Borg seems more relived than he does.
One year after returning to earth.
"Penny for them," Chakotay says as he breezes through the living room door from the front entrance of her apartment.
Having his own key to her place is a new development. Officially they weren't living together, but Chakotay had spent nearly every night for the past ten months with her. They'd been back in the Delta Quadrant for nearly over a year now, and they were taking tentative steps into making things work between them. The first two months home had been a mess she didn't want to think about; but things seemed to have fallen into place.
"It's nothing important," she replies the corners of her lips curl into a lopsided grin before turning back to the padd in front of her.
From where she's sitting on the couch with her legs folded beneath and concentrating on the screen before her she can't see the way Chakotay shakes his head.
"It's Friday," he states behind her.
Frowning she turns to look over her shoulder at him, "It's Friday, yes," she repeats sarcastically, not understanding where he was going with this.
She watches carefully as he rounds the couch so he's sat next to her. It briefly reminds her of their dinners in her quarters on Voyager but she shakes the thought away. Kathryn had recently realised just how much time she'd wasted on that ship.
"Well, Admiral, don't you think you should lay off the work?" He teased poking her bare leg with his fingers.
After returning from a long day at Starfleet headquarters she'd jumped straight into the bath. Afterwards she's grabbed one of his oversized shirts to change into quickly before settling down with a glass of wine and her work.
"I just need to-" she was cut off when he leaned in to kiss her lips softly.
This wasn't the first time he's distracted her from working with this method and she was certain it wouldn't be the last.
Although they were taking things slowly, they'd come a long way and somehow had managed to overcome the bitterness that'd enveloped them during the last leg of the journey home. For the first time in a long time and despite everything it felt as if they would be okay.