At breakfast in the staffroom of Hogwarts, there was a flash of white fire before Minerva McGonagall and a letter fell out of the air, narrowly missing her plate.

To whoever sent this stupid letter,

No way am I going to your school. Aunt Lina's already taught me most of what I need to know as well as what she learned from the Sorcerers Guild, and what she hasn't Uncle Zell, Aunt Filia, and Aunt Amelia have. Between them and Uncle Gourry's sword lessons, I feel quite prepared for life, and have no need to go to any wizarding academy.

Harry James Potter Gabriev Metallium ul Copt Graywords de Sailune Inverse, the Blue.

Minerva looked up. "Albus, Harry's response just arrived."

"Excellent Minerva, I assume he needs someone to show him to Diagon Alley—"

"No, he says that he doesn't need to come, and that his family has taught him all he needs to know, and the signs off with a long list of house names, that are familiar, but I can't remember why. They aren't wizarding names, but my instincts say they are very important."

Pomona Sprout peered over her shoulder at the letter. Then she shrieked.

"What is it?" Minerva asked, "Do you know one of the names?"

"Gabriev," Pomona said, "is that high elven blooded family of fighters that live on that continent, and I don't know about Metallium or Graywords, but Ul Copt is the name attached to that land's dragon guardians."

Minerva felt a chill run down her spine.

"It can't possibly be the same families," Albus put in.

"Did you say Graywords?" Filius asked.

Minerva nodded. "It's signed, Harry James Potter Gabriev Metallium ul Copt Graywords de Sailune Inverse."

Fillius swore in goblin. "De Sailune means 'of the royal family of Sailune,' a city of white and holy mages. I spent some time there when I was young. Graywords is a name of equal power, and Zelgadis Graywords is something of a hero there, and is known to keep company with Amelia, princess of Sailune. I can't remember Metallium or Inverse, but I know they terrify me."

Albus paled. "I know, now that Fillius has reminded me of Graywords. Lina Inverse is—" and at that name every one of the staff remembered the history lesson that they had tried their hardest to forget for the nightmares it gave them all.

Lina Inverse, she who slew the lord of demons, Ruby-Eyed Shabranigdo, and then worked her way down through the ranks of his retainers. She who invented a new branch of magic and saved the world multiple times, leaving a trail of destruction behind her. The Knight of Nightmares, who traveled with Goury Gabriev, keeper of the greatest magical blade known to man, Xellos Metallium, a greater demon that Inverse had for some reason befriended instead of destroyed, Filla ul Copt, dragon and holy mage —and that was a name in Harry's letter as an aunt— Zelgadis the unkillable, and Amelia, Princess of Sailune, fierce defender of justice, an unrivaled white mage.

Well.

After a long silence Minerva spoke up, "I somehow doubt that he needs to study at Hogwarts, Albus."

Snape nodded in agreement, paler than usual. "Hogwarts would likely not survive a relation of hers coming, much less if the Dragon Spooker herself came to visit."

They all paused to imagine the results of a visit from the Flatchested Terror herself…

"This castle's ugly." Cackled the red-haired apparition, backlit by hellish flames as the forest burned behind her, and the sizzling bodies of spiders cracked and smoked, "DRAGON SLAVE!"

Albus sobbed, gazing at the crater that had once been Hogwarts castle and the lake. "Why oh why did we invite her?"

"I agree."

And so Harry never went to Hogwarts.

Voldemort hastily fled upon hearing from Quirrel that an Inverse might be coming to Hogwarts, and lived a miserable existence in the forests of Albania until, on another continent, "Rah Tilt!" Harry cried, practicing his shaman spells with Uncle Zell.

The wave of concentrated power surging through him impacted his scar, and chained to Voldemort and all of his Horcruxes, evaporating him forever from the world and leaving the priceless artifacts of the founders undamaged.

And they all lived chaotically ever after.