This is my ONLY disclaimer!
I DON'T OWN ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MINE!
I don't own any of the characters, but I own the ideas.

Historian's Note: These letters are written from Gandalf the Grey to Legolas Greenleaf just after he "fell" in Moria and was separated from the Fellowship. Now Gandalf is going to find information on the Ring and is hoping to meet back up with the rest of the Company...

The Lost Letters of Gandalf
(Long time, No elf)

Hey Legolas!

This is Gandalf, in case you've forgotten.

You know, that tall, old guy with the big nose... I wear the stupid hat...

Okay, now that you remember me, boy do I have news. While you've been off polishing your bow, fighting Orcs and kicking butt, I've been busy.

Listen up, I have good news. I have found the...

the... mmm...

the... er...

the... um...

Oh dang, I forgot what I was going to say...

Hey, stop laughing, elf boy! We wizards have knowledge in our brains, and sometimes a bit of it leaks out because we have so much. Unlike you – nothing between your ears...

I have become... (look around so no one's watching!)

(Are they gone?)

(Are you sure?)

(Is that your finally answer?)

(Okay, I'll go on...)

I have become Robin Hood! (hehehe let's watch that sad little elf brain try to understand...)

Give up yet?

Well, I have joined the Merry Men as their leader! Actually, when I was riding my horse through the woods I felt off... (Hey! Wizards aren't perfect you know! We can't see every branch!)

Anyway, I fell off. And I landed on this dude in green. At first I thought he was another wizard, Something-or-Other the Green. But then I noticed he was wearing tights, and that thought went out the window. No decent wizard would wear green tights in the forest.

He was polite, though, I'll give him that...

So, I landed on him and he said, 'Ouch!' (Well, what did you expect?)

I said, 'Oh! Sorry, I didn't see you there. You kind of blended in. You know... all that green...'

He replied, 'Oh, don't worry about it. Happens all the time!'

I got up, and helped him up. Then I said, 'Hey, are you Robin Hood?'

He looked around, 'If I tell you, I'll have to kill you.'

I looked down on him, he was shorter than I, and said, 'I am a wizard, Mr. Green Tights. I could kill you with a wrinkle of my nose.'

Mr. Green Tights thought about that for a moment, then he said, 'Really? I've never met a wizard. Where's your wand? Where's the broomstick? What are you, some kind of cheap wizard, or something...'

I was so mad, I accidentally wrinkled my nose. Mr. Green Tights went out like a light.

I said, 'Oopsy.'

Suddenly a large man ran out from behind some bushes, he looked at me, then looked at Mr. Green Tights on the ground. Or which was left off him, he had sort of been reduced to a pile of sizzling, green ashes. The large man looked back at me and I almost, almost, took a step back. Even with my nasal powers, his size was intimidating. If I hadn't had been a wizard, I may have wet myself.

The large man said in a deep voice, 'You killed Robin Hood!'

I blinked in surprise, 'Oh, so he was Robin Hood then.'

The man said, 'That's right, and now he's dead!'

I said, 'Oh right, sorry about that. I didn't mean to.'

The man patted me on the shoulder, 'That's okay, his green tights were beginning to creep me out anyway.'

I asked him, 'What's your name?'

The giant said, 'I'm Little John.'

I exclaimed, 'What kind of a name is that!'

Little John shrugged, 'The dude in the tights gave it to me.' I scratched my head, surely Robin Hood was more disturbed then I had ever imagined. What kind of legendary man named a giant, 'Little John.'

I said, 'That's a lousy name, Little John. No offense.'

Little John replied, 'None taken.'

I finally said, 'Well, Mr. Green Tights is dead, so I'll give you a new name. Henceforth, you shall now be known as Vertically Gifted John!'

Vertically Gifted John nodded, 'Oooh, I like it!'

He then asked, 'Do you want to become our new leader? Robin's dead by your nose. Surely you're the most powerful being to walk this Middle Earth!'

I blushed red, 'Oh come off it... You don't mean it...'

Vertically Gifted John continued, 'You would be the perfect leader, defeating Robin with your nose is a great feat. Besides, I know several Merry Men who need your help.'

Are you impressed, Legolas? In two seconds you might kill an Orc. But in two seconds I replaced Robin Hood. I even surprise myself!

Well, I must be going now!

I'm beginning to think that if I hadn't of killed him, he would have taken his own life. Do you know how hard it is to explain that the proper place for Underwear is not on your head?

'Till the next time! Have a nice day, Squeaky Clean Legolas!

Slightly Greying Gandalf

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Okay people - I know this is crazy, but just work with me! Don't worry, the next chapters become more... wierd. Don't forget to Review!
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