Disclaimer: We do not own any of C.S. Lewis' characters or settings.

Author's Note: Hello, wonderful readers! This story has been slowly but surely creeping along since December, and now at last, we are ready to unveil it. We? Yes; Thalion Estel could not have completed this task alone! The other amazing author of this story is Niphredil, Estel's best friend since 10 months of age. We hope you enjoy this very silly crackfic, which presumably takes place during the early events of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Please be sure to leave a review to let us know what you thought!

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The Pursuit of Love

Maugrim, Captain of the Secret Police, stalked down the frozen hall of his master's palace with his head held high and his ears pricked forward. His claws clicked on the ice beneath him, the sound echoing loudly in the otherwise silent castle. The light was dim, but the Wolf gave the darkness no heed; his keen, fiery eyes were accustomed to it. His only focus was on the door at the end of the hall and the news he was to bring the Queen.

She would undoubtedly be happy to know that his wolves had succeeded in arresting Tumnus, the treacherous faun who had comforted her majesty's enemies and fraternized with humans. The operation had been flawless, as the Witch had demanded, and the Captain could not help but feel some pride in his precision. He was stronger than iron; more unyielding than steel. Nothing could take him at unawares.

A blood-curling scream and crash caused Maugrim to snap out of his thoughts and give a startled yip. He jumped aside by instinct, all of his hair standing on end. The screech left his heart pumping at twice its normal speed, and his breathing was short and anxious. Then the shriek came again, and the Wolf realized that the sound was coming from the room at the end of the hall. His objective. Was that the Witch making all the noise?

Several more crashes and bangs were heard, though none quite so violent as the first, and Maugrim plucked up enough courage to cautiously step closer to the room. The door was slightly ajar, a fact that allowed him to ease it open even further with his muzzle. He hesitantly looked inside, and what he saw was beyond anything he could have ever imagined.

The White Witch was sprawled on a long, fur covered coach, weeping into the sofa's arm as dramatically as possible. A large, flat screen television was facing the coach, and although the volume was quite low and the screen was not within his line of site, Maugrim knew it was playing something from the light it cast on the opposing side of the room. Several glass cups were broken on the floor, and from the drinks splattered all over the wall, Maugrim rightly guessed that they had been hurled across the room.

"No, no, no," the Witch sobbed in between great, gulping breaths. "How could he? It's supposed to be LOVE!"

She suddenly sat up and grabbed a pillow from her side. She let out another scream and threw her projectile as hard as she could, hitting a table and knocking over some breakable pottery. She flashed her eyes to Maugrim, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Why would he do that to her?" she yelled. "WHY?!"

Maugrim did not dare make eye contact, but kept his gaze and head down and his ears folded back against his skull. He shifted uncomfortably on his four paws, not sure of what to do. What in all of Narnia could have come over the Queen? Although the Wolf wished desperately to be out of the situation, he knew it was his duty as her majesty's servant to offer assistance.

"Your highness," he began in his low, gravelly voice, "what ails you? Command me, and I will obey. Has someone brought you wrong or insult?"

The Queen stared at the screen a bit longer before speaking. "If she can never find love, how can I?" The Queen slumped back against the sofa and wiped her mascara streaked cheeks on her icy sleeve. After resting her head I her hands, she asked, "Whatever could you do to fix this?"

Maugrim was dumbfounded once again. If there was any one thing that he knew absolutely nothing about, it was love. Were he a more selfish wolf, he would have given up on the clearly insane situation and perhaps even quit his job. But although he was not in any way scrupulous, loyalty ran deeply in his veins, and he decided to try to serve his queen despite his complete inadequacy in this matter.

"My lady," he began, swallowing nervously and trying to remember a scene or line, any line, from the chick flicks that his mother used to watch. "Love is said to be something transcending logic; a powerful force. I am only a lowly wolf, and I do not shy from the fact that I cannot fix this problem, but you are Jadis! As the greatest enchantress the world has ever seen, I am sure that you can discover the art of casting a spell of love. Perhaps that will ease your heart and stop your anguish."

The Queen cast her eyes on Maugrim as if to gauge whether his words were really true. Their depths held suspicion, sadness, but behind it all, hope. After due contemplation, she leapt to her feet, wiping her tears as she went, and strode toward the floor-to-ceiling shelves that lined one end of the room. She gazed intently at the thousands of books, wondering if one held the key to relieve her distress.

For an hour she leafed through book after book. Each failure lay crumpled on the floor at her feet until she had quite a pile building up. The more books she went through, the more angry she became until all at once she threw the book she held into a nearby statue.

"There are too many books!" she yelled, distraught. "There must be a faster way!" The Queen stomped back to her sofa, curled up into a ball, and sobbed.

Maugrim, who had crossed into the room and sat down at attention near the door about thirty minutes into the Queen's search of books, racked his brains for more ideas. He could suggest googling the problem, but he knew that would probably only put off the issue rather than solve it. The Internet was notorious for errors and lies. Instead, he decided to consider more unusual methods.

"I will return in a moment, my queen," he said, bowing his head.

The Wolf dashed out of the room and to the kitchen, looking for the great object he knew would help calm his mistress down enough to think properly. After a few seconds, he found the treasure. The ice cream was so cold that it hurt his mouth as he carried it, but he ignored the pain as he sprinted back to the Queen, his mind still racing as he tried to come up with a solution to his most curious problem.

"Take this, your highness," Maugrim said when he reached the room, extending the tub of ice cream to his queen. "It may help you to think. Perhaps you, one who is learned in magic, the lore of spells, and all other matters of the mind will discover the secret of love by your own intellect and skill."

The Queen extended her slender fingers toward the container, wondering at its usefulness. After only a second's thought, she plucked it from Maugrim's jaws, popped off the lid, and acquired a spoon with the flick of her wand. As she gazed into the swirl of chocolate and mint, she mused, At least this will make me feel better. She plunged the spoon into its icy depths. The edges of her pale lips drew up slightly as she savored her fist bite. Lowering her lashes, she blocked out the world so she could savor it.

How could this even exist! she thought as she marveled at the happiness this dessert brought to her taste buds.

With a start her eyes flew open. "Maugrim, if such wonderful creaminess can be found, so can love!" She twirled, streaming the ends of her long cape in a wide arch which abruptly straightened behind her as she strode through the entry way. As she left, she shouted, "Maugrim! Ready my sled and gather provisions! We are going to help someone find true love!"

Suddenly the Queen's plan was understood by Maugrim, and he wondered that he had never thought of it before. Of course! Ice cream was the perfect catalyst for love. It probably had magical properties, and Maugrim determined that when he had time, he would take a closer look at the nutrition information. But now there were other things to do.

"Yes, your majesty," the Wolf replied with a bow of his head. "What kinds of provisions would you like? Our cellar is full of a variety or ice cream flavors, as well as some other frozen treats. Which ones should I take that would best assist the feelings of love?"

The Queen was quite pleased that Maugrim had grasped the implications of her idea. What a comfort to have someone to rely on!

"We will need cherry chocolate chip, extreme mint chocolate, and cookies and cream (with extra cookies and extra cream) because of their extraordinary deliciousness. Also rocky road, in case we find someone close to love but in a rocky relationship. Quickly fetch those and we will be off," she said, proceeding out of the room. As the sled came in sight, she straightened her cloak and smoothed her dress in preparation of the upcoming journey.

Maugrim did not waste any time gathering the requested flavors together and loading them into the sled. His lips and tongue were completely numb when the Witch was finally satisfied and the duo began their journey. But the Wolf was still very glad that his master was no longer in emotional turmoil, so he did not let the coldness of his gums or the strangeness of his purpose distract from the moment.

"Where are we going first, you Highness?" inquired the Captain of the Secret Police.

The Witch contemplated the question for a moment as she arranged herself into her seat and under the blankets. "We will head north for a bit. Maybe on the road we will find a desperate maiden or gentleman to whom we can impart our delicious treats. Then I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens."

The Queen was excited about this new adventure. It had to work. If it didn't, then true love could not exist. It was as simple as that in her mind. She sighed and tried to relax as the sled pulled forward out of the cool cavern. The morning air was pleasantly chilly, and the sun's rays shed some warmth over her face. This combined with her warm blanket made her quite sleepy. She let her eyes close as they smoothly pulled along. Without realizing it, she drifted into a swirl of dreamless sleep.

Maugrim was glad to see his mistress in a relaxed state, and as he cantered beside the swishing sled runners, he hoped that they would not encounter anyone who needed love for a while so that Jadis could have some time to rest. This wish was somewhat fulfilled, for the team met no one for more than half an hour. At last, however, a lone figure came into sight well ahead, and Maugrim called for the sleigh to stop.

The great Wolf trotted up to the person and discovered that it was a fairly young faun. The creature started in fright as the Captain of the Secret Police approached, but Maugrim held out a paw.

"Don't worry, citizen; you are not under arrest," the Wolf assured in his typical gravely voice. "We are in search of one who lacks the love they desire. Do you know of such a person?"

The faun looked back at the Wolf suspiciously, and after a moment of total confusion, he shifted his feet and tried to gather his thoughts. "How odd…" he muttered to himself. But when he saw the look of resolve on the Queen's face, he realized the seriousness of the situation.

"Umm, there is this fawn that I fancy, but you can't tell her! She doesn't really know I exist." He smiled sheepishly. When he shook out of his day dreaming, his expression sobered and he asked, "Are you sure you can help me?"

The Witch felt exhilarated. They had finally found someone who needed to discover true love. "Of course we can help you!" she squealed gleefully. "Lead us to the one you love!"

The faun, whose name happened to be Bill (though no one ever asked about it), began leading the Queen and Maugrim through the snowy woods. He had never been in such a strange situation in all of his life, but when his mind conjured up the image of his unrequited love, he didn't care. No matter what common sense said about the situation, Bill would try anything if there was even a slight chance that he could find love.

Eventually the trio reached their destination: a small cave where a Bill's love interest lived. It was nestled in the side of a tall hill with a wooden door being the only sign of its existence. Bill now felt very nervous, and he looked back at the Queen with anxiety.

"What are we supposed to do?" he asked timidly. "She has never noticed me; not even once! How can you make her love me?"

The Queen smiled at Bill's incredulous question. The fawn had no idea how amazing the trick she had up her sleeve was. Her theory was untried, yes, but undeniably foolproof. At least to her understanding. She would stick to the positive side, though, and not dwell on the nagging thoughts of a potential failure. She could not afford to fail; she did not want to swirl back into the depths of despair in which Maugrim had found her that morning. Soon the ice cream would be put to the test, and she would find solace in the fact that true love could exist in the real world. Not only that, but she would be able to feel accomplished in that she had been a piece in the unfolding of it. Such a marvelous thought, she mused as she gave the fawn her full attention and knocked herself out of her internal revelry.

"Don't worry! We have just the thing! Maugrim, bring a carton of ice cream! Then we will send Bill in with it and watch from afar to see what happens!"

Maugrim obeyed without comment, going to the back of the sled and foraging around for the perfect ice cream for the situation. In the end, he selected the extreme mint chocolate flavor since their attempt was to stir up fresh feelings. He brought the carton over to Bill and gave it to faun.

"What do I do with it?" Bill asked, eyeing the dessert with skepticism.

"Give it to your love and let her taste it," the Chief of the Secret Police instructed. "Then all your troubles will be over, on guarantee of her majesty."

The faun took the ice cream, shrugged his shoulders, and walked into the cave. The Queen and Maugrim waited outside, wondering how the love would come about, what the intensity of the affection would be at first, and how long it would take.

A slow hour passed by, and still there was no sign of Bill reappearing. Jadis was becoming impatient. The suspense was too much. After a few more minutes of breathless waiting, she turned to Maugrim. "Please go and see if you can hear anything!" she whispered urgently.

The Wolf obeyed and cautiously approached the cave, noticing for the first time how cold his paws had become. He hoped the Witch would be satisfied soon and give up this somewhat eccentric endeavor before he was physical and emotionally spent. He crept up to the wooden door and pressed his ear against it. He heard childlike giggles inside, but he could not deduce what could be going on. He hesitantly pushed the door slightly open with his muzzle and peered inside.

He was utterly dumbfounded by what he saw. He had supposed that the Witch would be more or less correct about the ice cream's powers, but he had not guessed that a dessert could be so effective. Bill was sitting on a short couch, his arm wrapped around the shoulders of a female faun, watching something on TV. The two love birds kept exchanging light-hearted jokes and little compliments, and the phrase "I love you" occurred ever other sentence. Maugrim could hardly believe it.

The Chief of Police rushed back to his mistress, eager to relate what he had seen. "It's worked, my lady!" he panted, skidding to a halt beside the sled. "They are wholly and unshakably in love!"

Jadis stared at the Wolf in bewilderment, not knowing whether to believe the words. She had assumed that this whole attempt at love would work, but it was a surprise none the less. Her heart felt light, probably more than it had in years. "Oh my!" she gasped as a thought occurred to her. "We need to continue in this quest! Now that we know the extent of the ice cream's powers, more can be led to love."

She smiled to herself gleefully for a moment, memorizing this small moment of victory. Then, without much ado, she turned and skipped towards the nearby sled. As she approached the sledge, she called back, "Maugrim, before we are off, please make sure the ice cream is secured! I will be waiting in the sled!"

Maugrim gave the cave once last awestruck glance before stalking over to the back of the sled where the ice cream was packed. He looked it over and saw that the large bag, filled to the brim with the dessert cartons, was attached properly to the sled. But one quart stuck out a bit, probably disturbed from its place when he had extracted the other carton for Bill. Lifting his paw, Maugrim started to push it back into the bag, but then a line of fine print caught his keen eye. He squinted at the bottom of the quart and read what was printed there.

Warning: this product has been shown to produce temporary but severe affection in some of its users. Such side effects are not necessarily dangerous in essence and will wear off after a few days. But consumer discretion is advised, especially for the young or impulsive. Love That Ice Cream!™©® is not responsible for any irrational and spontaneous decisions or actions that may occur as a result of induced affection.

Maugrim's heart and breath quickened their pace. This love was a . . . medical side-effect? He reread the label, but he was not mistaken. A side-effect. That's what all their hopes and efforts had resulted in. And it was temporary, too! Maugrim's brain ceased to function for several very slow seconds.

"Hurry up!" the Witch called impatiently from her place on the sled, snapping the Wolf out of his daze. "We have more love to spread!"

Maugrim's conscience was torn in two. He should tell the Queen. She ought to know! But if he told her, she might slip back into her depression, and that surely wasn't best for either her or her subjects. And so what if the love they introduced was only a side effect? Maybe that's all love was anyway. He wouldn't know; he'd never felt or received any before. Maybe he should have a taste of the ice cream . . .

"Maugrim!" Jadis snapped. "I'm waiting!"

The Wolf shook all the clouding facts from his head. Pushing in the one loose carton, he trotted around to the front of the sled, and the duo set out to find another patient (or victim; whichever it truly was). All the while Maugrim considered the philosophy of the essence of love, wondering whether it was an emotion, a choice, an act, or just a side effect of ice cream.

He was never really sure.

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