Howdy, I will soon be making published on this site a story that just recently came to me. I plan to call it TOW Friends Like Us. It's not an original story but I feel it is important to tell. If by chance this story has already been published somewhere, somehow, then by all means let me and other fans know so that it can be shared by all sooner instead of later.
That's all for now, I just want to finish by saying that I am glad to have this forum to share this story with other fans of 'Friends.'
The Characters
Monica – Smart. Cynical. Defended. Very attractive. Had to work for everything she has. An assistant chef for a chic uptown restaurant. And a romantic disaster area.
Rachel – Spoiled. Adorable. Courageous. Terrified. Monica's best friend from high school. Has worked for none of what she has. On her own for the first time. And equipped to do nothing.
Phoebe – Sweet. Flaky. New Age waif. Monica's former roommate. Sells barrettes on the street and plays guitar in the subway. A good soul.
Ross – Intelligent. Emotional. Romantic. Monica's brother. Suddenly divorced. Facing single-hood with phenomenal reluctance. A paleontologist. Not that it matters.
Joey – Handsome. Macho. Smug. Lives across the hall from Monica and Rachel. Wants to be an actor. Actually, wants to be Al Pacino. Loves women, sports, women, New York, women and most of all Joey.
Chandler – Droll. Dry. A wry observer of everyone's life. And his own. Works in front of a computer doing something tedious in a claustrophobic cubicle in a nondescript office building. Survives by way of his sense of humor. And snacks.
All are in their twenties. All trying to figure it out.
Part One
It's 1994 and on a rainy afternoon, in the middle of Manhattan, Monica, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe are hanging out, talking with each other.
"I'm telling you, I've had it with the whole dating thing," Monica says.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Joey says unconvinced.
"I mean it this time. If I have to laugh at another stupid anecdote or eat another Caesar salad, I'm going to kill myself."
Suddenly, Phoebe harmlessly interjects, "I don't hate dating."
"That's 'cause you don't date. You just move in with guys," Monica points out to her friend.
"That's true," Phoebe says with a shrug.
"You know what my favorite kind of date is?" Joey asks everyone.
"The kind where you don't leave your gum in her ear?" Monica says smiling at her handsome friend.
Joey suddenly looks at his roommate Chandler, "I can't believe you told her."
"I couldn't help myself," Chandler says in his defense.
Now Phoebe realizes something and looks at Monica. "So, wait a minute. If you're not dating anymore, what's tonight?"
"Tonight is," Monica says, "not a date."
Everyone looks at her unconvinced.
"It's not. Its just two people going out to dinner and not having sex."
"Sounds like a date to me," Chandler says taking a sip of his coffee.
A little later with half-empty plates and half-empty cups of coffee on the coffee table, Joey is arguing with Monica.
"I can't believe what I've hearing here," Joey says shocked to his attractive friend.
"What?" Monica says, "I said you had a ver nice butt. It's just not a 'great' butt."
"You know what had a great butt?" Phoebe interjects. "Speed Racer."
Everyone looks at her.
"Well, he did," Phoebe says as she takes a sip of her tea. After a moment, Joey is still perturbed by what Monica has told him.
"You know what, I'm not even gonna listen to you. You wouldn't know a great butt if it came up and bit you."
"There's an image," Chandler says appearing to be deep in thought.
A little later with empty plates and near empty coffee cups on the coffee table, Chandler is in the middle of relating a dream.
"All right. I'm back in high school. In the middle of the junior-senior lobby. And I realize I am totally naked," he says.
All of his friends can relate to this.
"I've had that dream. Oh yeah. Sure."
But then Chandler continues with his story.
"Then, I look down and realize there's a phone….there."
"Instead of…." A surprised Joey asks.
"Yup," Chandler confirms.
All of his friends cannot relate to this.
"I have never had that dream. Wow. You are alone."
Not bothered by this, Chandler continues.
"All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. I don't know what to do. Everyone starts looking at me."
"They weren't looking at you before?" Monica asks.
"Finally, I figure I better answer it. Turns out it's my mother. Which is really weird, 'cause she never calls me."
"Oh yeah. That's what's weird."
Just then, Ross, Monica's older brother enters the coffee shop. He is totally despondent but manages to move over with everyone else and sits.
"Hi," Ross says in a very depressed way.
"This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself," says Joey.
Monica turns to her brother with a concerned look on her face.
"You okay?"
Ross is still despondent.
"I feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck."
Chandler makes a less than heroic gesture as he picks up a plate with a treat.
"Cookie?"
"Carol moved her stuff out today." Monica says explaining why Ross is in such a funky mood. Phoebe then goes over to Ross on the sofa and starts moving her hands wildly close to his head. Ross moves away slightly.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm cleansing your aura," his blonde friend says.
"Well….don't. Just, just leave my aura alone. I'll be fine. Really. Look, I hope she'll be happy."
No one, least of all Monica is convinced of this.
"No, you don't."
"No, I don't. Okay, I hope she'll be happy but not until I'm happy. Which may take forever, but the hell with her, she left me."
After a moment, Joey asks Ross something.
"And you never knew she was a lesbian?"
Ross quickly responds.
"No! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn't know, how should I know? It's not like there's a mark on her head."
"Sometimes I wish I were a lesbian," Chandler says. And then he realizes what he just said and everyone looking at him.
"Did I say that out loud?"
Ross turns to his sister, "I told Mom and Dad last night."
"Yeah, I know," Monica says unconsolingly. "Then they called and yelled at me for an hour and a half. They couldn't quite explain how I'm responsible for your ex-wife's sexual preference, but that didn't stop them."
"Alright, look," Joey interjects. "You're feelin' a lot of pain right now. You're angry. You're hurt. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah. You know what the answer is? You need another woman."
"Oh please," Monica says, "That's your answer to 'Do you want more coffee?'"
Unaffected by this, Joey continues. "Hey, you gotta get back on the horse."
"And speaking for all women, thank you for the livestock analogy," Monica says obviously annoyed.
"But I don't want another woman. I don't want to be single. I don't want to put together all that IKEA furniture by myself. I just—I just want to be married again."
Just then, a woman in a bridal gown enters the coffee shop. Everyone in the coffee shop notices her and Chandler sees an opportunity.
"And I just want a lot of money."
He looks at the door, expectantly but nothing happens.
"See, now why doesn't it work for me?"
The bride goes to the counter of the coffee shop. She is soaking wet from the rain. She appears to order some coffee.
"Isn't that Rachel Robbins?" Ross asks Monica.
"Where?" Monica asks, stunned.
"Where?"
Monica now sees that she does know the wet bride.
"Be right back…"
Monica now gets up and goes to the woman in the wedding dress at the counter.
"Rachel?"
Rachel turns and looks at Monica. She smiles and greets Monica with an outpouring of relief.
"Oh, god, Monica, hi, thank god. I went to your apartment and you weren't there and I didn't know what to do and so I just came in here for…." Rachel pauses and takes a cup from a waitress.
"Thanks," she says to the server and then continues, "Coffee."
"That's a dollar twenty-five," the waitress tells Rachel.
"Oh. Right." Rachel now assesses her situation realizing that she doesn't have the money.
"II just have the penny my Aunt Harriet put in my show for luck."
"I'm just guessing it didn't work," Monica says to her.
Monica pays the waitress and then realizes an awkward moment with the soaking wet bride standing in front of her.
"So….what's new?"
"Not much," Rachel says, "I'm supposed to get married in about….fifteen minutes."
"Ah. I didn't know. I guess that's because I wasn't, oh, I don't know, invited."
"I know," Rachel says embarrassed. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, it's your wedding. I"
Rachel cuts her off.
"Monica."
"I mean, I know we haven't kept in touch lately, but"
Rachel cuts her off again.
"Monica. These shoes hurt. This cup is hot. Think you could get over this a little faster?"
Monica looks at her.
"I'll work on it. C'mon."
Monica takes Rachel to everyone around the coffee table.
"Everybody, this is Rachel, who I thought was my best friend in high school. Rachel, this is everybody: Joey and Chandler and Phoebe and you remember my brother, Ross."
"Sure."
"Hi," Ross says suddenly feeling much better now.
"Great dress," Phoebe tells Rachel.
"Thanks. It's….," Rachel replies choking up. "Versace."
"What happened?" Monica asks her.
"Oh, god," Rachel says recovering, "I don't know. I guess it was the gravy boat that started it."
"Isn't it always," Chandler interjects quickly. But Rachel barely notices this as she continues with her story.
"II was in this room where we were keeping all the presents. And I was looking at this gravy boat, this really gorgeous Limoges gravy boat. And all of a sudden I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry. And I got really freaked out and I was talking about it with Mindy, my maid of honor. And that's when it hit me how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato-head."
After a pause, Rachel continues.
"I mean, I always knew he looked familiar, but. So anyway, I just had to get out of there. And I didn't know what to do or where to go. And you were the only one I knew who lived here in the city…."
"Who wasn't invited to the wedding," Monica says still not over this little fact. Rachel smiles, guiltily and shivering, and then sneezes.
Later, everyone is now in Monica's apartment. The television is on with a Spanish language soap opera on. Everyone, but Rachel is sitting in front of the television watching the show trying to guess the plot. Rachel is on the phone in the kitchen. She is now wearing a borrowed pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and with her free hand towel-drying her hair.
"Okay. Okay. The lady in the red dress is really pissed at the guy who can't stand still because…" Chandler guesses watching the soap opera.
"….because he's breaking off their affair," Phoebe continues.
"….because he's wearing her top." Monica adds.
Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Rachel is nervously speaking with her father on the phone.
" Hi, Daddy…..No, I'm okay. I'm okay. Really. I just…. I'm sorry. I can't marry him. I just don't love him. …Well, it matters to me. ….Daddy, please don't yell. I"
After a pause.
"May I speak?... Maybe I speak?...May I speak!"
After a moment, she holds the phone away from her ear. The muted squawking of her father is heard coming from the earpiece. Distracted, Rachel looks out at the television.
"The woman in the red dress is upset because he knows who tried to steal her baby."
Everyone now looks at Rachel.
"I took Spanish in college."
This doesn't make anyone happy, especially Joey.
"Well, that sucks all the fun out of it," he says.
The channel is changed now and stops on a Susan Powter info-mercial pushing her diet and exercise regimen.
"Is it me," Chandler says watching the show, "or is there something ironic about a bald, anorexic woman jumping up and down, screaming "stop the insanity"?"
Meanwhile, Rachel is now arguing with her father, upset.
"But, Daddy, it's my life….Well, maybe that's my decision….Maybe I'll stay here."
After another pause.
"Maybe I don't need your money."
After another quick pause.
"Wait! I said 'maybe'!"
Rachel looks at the phone now hearing only a dial tone. Everyone else turns to look at Rachel looking very pale with the phone in her hand.
A little later, Monica, Phoebe, and Ross are sitting on the sofa with Rachel who is hyperventilating into a paper bag. Chandler and Joey look on with concern while they raid the fridge.
"Just breathe," Ross advises her. "Breathe. That's it. Just relax. Try to think about nice, calm things."
Phoebe starts singing softly.
"Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on kittens."
"Doorbells and sleigh bells and….something with mittens."
"La, la, la, something with noodles and string"
"These are a few of my favorite things…."
Rachel pulls her face away from the bag looking at Phoebe.
"Don't sing."
"It's gonna be okay," Monica now adds. "C'mon, we've all gotten along fine without your father's money. You can, too."
Rachel now lowers the bag to her lap.
"You're right," She says, "You're right."
After a moment, Rachel continues.
"I've never lived on my own and taken care of myself, and although it doesn't sound like something I'd particularly like, if I'm ever going to try it, now's the time. So…."
Rachel gives Monica an imploring look.
"So….what, so?" Monica then quickly realizes. "Oh, no."
After a moment she continues.
"Look, I'm really not good with the roommate thing. No one should be around me in the morning."
Monica looks around to the others for support.
"Tell her."
Needless to say, they all agree.
"It's true. She's a nightmare."
Then Phoebe adds, "I used to live with her. She's a total bitch."
Monica smiles slightly at this, "There, you see?"
"Listen," Joey now volunteers, " if she says no, you know, you always got a place with Joey. Me and Chandler live right across the hall."
"Joey!" Monica says surprisingly, "Stop hitting on her. It's her wedding day."
Then Monica realizes what she has to do with a sigh.
"Alright, look. We can try it. But the minute we starting sharing clothes and giving each other bikini waxes, you're outta here."
Just then, the intercom by the door buzzes. Taking notice, Chandler goes to it and speaks to it in response.
"Can I take your order?"
Over he intercom a voice is heard.
"It's …..Paul."
Monica takes notice of this now. "Buzz him," she says. And then turns to Rachel.
"I totally forgot. I'm supposed to go out with this guy tonight. I'll just tell him I can't do it."
Monica now goes to the door passing Joey, holding a piece of food. He can't help but remember something saying,
"'Cause let's not forget, it's not a real date."
Then Rachel tells Monica, "No. Go. I'll be fine. Really."
There's a knock on the door. Monica opens it a reveals Paul, a nice-looking guy in his late twenties. Monica greets him.
"Hey. C'mon in. Paul, this is everybody." She gestures to everyone in the room. Everybody, Paul."
As Paul enters, everyone says hi. And when his back is turned to them, they indicate to Monica an affirmative approval. She barely notices this as she heads to the bedroom.
"I'll be right out."
Joey then goes up to Paul.
"Here's a tip. She really likes it when you rub her neck on the same spot over and over and over again till it starts to get a little red."
From the bedroom Monica calls out,
"Shut up, Joey!"
Joey hears this and shrugs. Ross then turns to Rachel, a little awkward.
"So…," he starts to ask her, "…do you have any plans tonight?"
"Well, I was kind of supposed to be heading to Aruba on my honeymoon, so…., no."
Realizing,
"Oh, right," Ross says. "Sure. Well, if you don't feel like being alone, Joey and Chandler are coming over to help me put together my new furniture."
"And we're very excited about it," Chandler says.
"Thanks. I think I'll just hang out here. It's been a long day," Rachel tells them.
"Sure," Ross says trying not to sound disappointed. "Okay. Sure."
Then Joey turns to Phoebe.
"Phoeebs, you wanna help?"
"I wish I could. I can't." She starts getting ready to leave. " I've got to work tonight."
Later that night, at a subway station Phoebe is sitting on the ground, playing one of her terrible folk songs. Her guitar case is open for money.
"Love is sweet as summer showers,
Love is a wondrous work of art.
But your love,
Your love,
Your love is like a giant pigeon crapping on my heart."
And over across town at Ross's apartment, which is virtually empty, he, along with Joey and Chandler and a few beers are putting together IKEA furniture. Ross is working on something that will someday be a coffee table. And Joey reads instructions for a bookcase to Chandler.
"Alright, you need to attach a brackety thing to the side of things using a bunch of these little worm guys, and all of the hooks onto 'H'.
Chandler assesses his situation.
"I have no brackety things. I see no worm guys whatsoever. I'm telling you, this is a Swedish conspiracy."
Ross is not fairing much better with his table.
"What if I throw out all this stuff and just use the box as a coffee table? I could put a cloth on it…"
And over at a Japanese restaurant, Monica is with her date, Paul. But their conversation has just come to a standstill.
"You knew I was married, right?"
Monica is in disbelief.
"Noooooo. No, I didn't. Not that this surprises me. What with things going so well, and you being so nice and heterosexual and all. But, uh…look, I don't go out with married guys. They have….wives."
Paul explains,
"Whoa. Ho. No, no. No, no, no. 'Was' married. As in she left me. As in I would be happy to see her trapped in a mine disaster with a yeast infection.
Hearing this, Monica responds.
"Oh. Well, at least you're not angry."
Paul just smiles and shrugs.
And over at Monica (and now Rachel's) apartment at the same time, Rachel is talking on the phone while pacing and upset.
"I just wanted to say I'm sorry, Barry, I am so sorry. I know you probably think this is all about what I said the other night about you making love with your socks on. But it isn't. It's about me. I"
She hangs up the phone and then redials. After a moment.
"I got beeped off again. Anyway. Look, I know you probably hare me. And that's fair. But I wanted you to know that if you ever just want to talk to me or yell at meI'm here. You know I still think you're one of the most"
She's cut off again. She rolls her eyes, hangs up, and then re-dials.
Back over at Ross's apartment, later in the evening, the furniture building progresses slowly. Chandler and Joey have just finished building a wall unit. They survey their handiwork proudly.
"I'm thinkin' we got a bookcase here." Joey says.
"It's a beautiful thing." Chandler adds.
Then Joey notices something on the floor.
"What's that?" he asks his roommate quietly.
Chandler takes a look at it.
"I would have to say it's an L-shaped bracket."
Causing Joey to ask, "Which goes where?"
They both stare at the bookcase.
"I have no idea," replies his friend.
Joey then kicks the bracket under the sofa.
"Done with the bookcase!" he announces.
However, Ross is into his second beer now. He stares at the furniture pieces around him.
"I really miss her."
Joey hears this and is not sympathetic.
"Yo, if you're gonna start with that stuff, we're outta here."
"Yeah," Chandler adds, "don't spoil the fun."
Ross realizes this.
"You're right. You're right. I'm sorry."
Then, after a moment,
"I was cleaning out the bathroom and I found an old box of her maxi-pads. I just couldn't get myself to throw them out.
"Sure," Chandler says sympathetically.
"So," Ross continues, "I've been using them as arch supports."
"Aw, man!" Both his friends reply shocked.
"Don't tell us this!"
Back at the Japanese restaurant, at the same time, Monica and Paul are still there.
"Ever since she left," Paul tells Monica, "I've been unable to perform…sexually."
This shocks her.
"Yow!" And then she notices her outburst.
"I'm sorry. 'Yow' is probably not the most appropriate response."
Paul isn't bothered by this though.
"It's so bizarre. I mean, I meet a woman and it's like my mind is going "Yeah!" and my body's going "Wanna bet?"
Monica takes this much more sympathetically now.
"Yow."
And Paul sees that she understands.
"Yeah."
Monica now takes his hand and holds it.
Back at Ross's apartment, things are winding down as the guys have stopped building furniture and are now just getting serious about their beer.
"I'm divorced! I'm 26 and I'm divorced!" Ross suddenly announces.
"Shut up!" Joey responds not understanding his friend's feelings. But Chandler feels the need to shine some perspective to his depressed friend.
"Ross, you've got to understand. Between us, we haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a Mento. You had the love of a woman for four years. Four years of closeness and sharing, at the end of which she ripped your heart out, and that's why we don't do it."
Chandler now realizes something after saying all this.
"I don't think that was my point."
Ross hears this but continues on,
"Okay, okay, okay. Okay. What ifwhat if there was only one woman for me? What if you only get one and that's it? Unfortunately, in my case, there was only one woman for her."
Joey has heard enough now,
"What are you talkin' about? 'One woman.' That's like sayin' there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you somethin', there's lots of flavors out there."
Joey now takes a breath feeling like he's on a roll.
"There's Rocky Road and Cookie Dough and Bing Cherry Vanilla. They got kinds with fudge swirls and nougat. You can get 'em with jimmies or nuts or not nuts or whipped cream. This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were like what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!"
After a moment, Ross responds.
"I honestly don't know if I'm horny or hungry."
"Then stay out of my freezer." Chandler tells him.
Back at Monica and Rachel's apartment, the television is on with an episode of an old 'Happy Days' being broadcast. It's the one where Joanie and Chachi get married. Rachel is on the sofa watching the show with a gallon on ice cream in her lap and tears in her eyes. As she watches and Chachi says 'I do' Rachel wipes away a tear with her wedding veil and says to herself,
"See, but Joanie loved Chachi. That's the difference…."
Later that night, Paul has brought Monica home. They stand outside her door.
"This was great." Monica tells him. "I mean it. I was fully prepared for you to eat with the food on the outside of your mouth or make little bunnies out of your napkin, it's happenedbut this was great.
"It really was." He replies. "Anyway…."
The air is thick with sexual tension. He leans in to kiss her. But right before their lips touch, Paul asks,
"So can I call you again?"
Monica is looking directly at his lips now.
"Uh huh."
Paul moves even closer now to her.
"Tomorrow okay?"
Monica continues to focus on his lips.
"Uh huh."
"I was thinking we could"
She cuts him off.
"Paul. Shut up."
She kisses him. It's a good kiss. They press against each other. All of a sudden both their eyes widen. Monica glances down. Paul tries to suppress a grin.
"We're, uh, we're not alone." He tells her.
Still looking down,
"I…noticed."
"This is ….historic. I mean…oh, my god."
Monica laughs and kisses him again. Then,
"You….wanna come in?"
Paul hesitates.
"I don't know. I mean, I do, but, I don't know. Maybe we should take this slow."
After a moment.
"Believe me, I'm all for slow."
"Okay. Tomorrow. We'll talk."
Monica seems to agree with this.
"Tomorrow."
She opens the door.
"Goodnight."
Then, she turns back to him. And after a moment they kiss again. And again. They fall into the apartment.
Out across the city, its late at night now and ever so lightly the sound of Phoebe's voice is heard singing the last strains of a song.
"….and your love,
Your love,
Your love
Is like a fur ball in my throat."
End of Part 1
Part two.
The next morning at Monica and Rachel's apartment, Rachel is in a robe, pouring coffee for Chandler and Joey who have come over to mooch some breakfast.
"Isn't it amazing?" Rachel says excitedly, "I mean, I have never made coffee before in my life."
"That is amazing." "Congratulations."
"You know," she continues, "I figure if I can make coffee, there's isn't anything I can't do."
Unable to help himself, Chandler tells her,
"I think it's "If I can invade Poland, there isn't anything I can't do.""
Enjoying the service from Rachel, Joey says,
"Listen, while you're on a roll, if you feel like you gotta make, like a western omelette or something…."
And then Joey tastes his coffee and decides to change his train of thought.
"….although, actually, I'm really not that hungry this morning."
By now Chandler has also tasted the coffee that was just served him and adds,
"Mmmmm. Just coffee for me. It's a breakfast unto itself."
Rachel beams with pride unaware of anything wrong,
"You're welcome."
As she turns her back to put the coffee pot back on the stove, the guys mouth to each other that this is perhaps the worst coffee ever brewed by people. At that moment, the door to Monica's bedroom opens. She emerges dressed for work and everyone greets her.
"Morning."
"Good morning," she says back to them acting nonchalant.
And then Paul emerges, dressed as he was the night before. He smiles, kind of sheepishly.
"Morning," he says.
And is greeted in return with suppressed smiles.
"Hello, Paul." "Morning Paul."
Monica leads him to the door and he quietly asks her,
"Do those guys live here?"
"No," she replies, not as quiet. "They're just the Lenny and Squiggy of my life."
They then stand at the doorway and continue in whispers.
"Thank you," he says, "Thank you so much."
Paul kisses her. Monica eyes the others peering around to see.
"We'll talk later."
Again, he tells her,
"Thank. You."
Paul then goes and Monica closes the door with a heavy sigh.
Before she fully recovers she hears Joey say,
"And that wasn't a real date. What the hell do you do on a real date?"
"I'm afraid that's a mystery you will never unravel."
Then Chandler gets up from the table.
"All right, kids, I've got to get to work. If I don't input those numbers….it doesn't make much difference."
Rachel notices this and then realizes something.
"So, like, you guys all have jobs?"
They all look at each other.
"Yeah, we all have jobs." Monica tells her. "That's how we…..buy stuff."
Joey looks at Rachel coolly.
"I'm an actor."
"Wow. Would I have seen you in anything?"
"I doubt it. Mostly regional work."
Monica interjects now.
"Unless you happened to catch the Wee One's production of 'Pinocchio' at the Litle Theatre in the Park."
Joey snaps back defensively,
"It was a job, all right?"
Chandler now does an imitation of Joey.
""Look, Gepetto, I'm a real, live boy.""
Joey is unamused, unlike his friends.
"Thank you. You can both die slowly."
Joey then storms out of the apartment with his roommate following him. But before he leaves, Chandler tells Rachel,
"He was really very good."
And then Chandler leaves closing the door.
Monica now turns to Rachel.
"How you doing today?"
After a moment.
"Not as good as you," she says slyly. "But I'm okay. Really. Go. You go to work."
With that, Rachel now takes her coffee, curls up on the sofa and turns on the T.V. Katie Couric chats with Bryant, Monica goes over to Rachel.
"Uh, Rach. Little thing. If you're going to be staying here, you're gonna have to help with the…, you know, rent?"
"Okay," Rachel says with a shrug.
But Monica feels that she must continue on,
"Which probably means getting one of those job things?"
Still watching the television, Rachel remains calm.
"Oh. Okay. Not a problem."
Monica is skeptical by this.
"Really?"
Now Rachel tells her,
"Hey, I made coffee."
And now Monica isn't sure what to make of this.
Later that day, at Chandler's office.
Well, not really an office, more of a tiny cubicle. Chandler sits before his computer screen. Rachel is there visiting. He is sharing his work ethic with her.
"I know sitting in front of this thing is killing my brain cells and my sperm, but I get to make free long distance calls, so what the hell."
Just then, Chandler's supervisor, an older woman with a grim expression, passes by. She peers over the top of Chandler's cubicle. He smiles up at her.
"Hello, Mrs. Van Boone. You're looking lovely today. Is that a new pin? Smells like autumn, don't you think?"
However, Mrs. Van Boone says nothing in return. She gives him one final dark look and moves off. Chandler then turns closer to Rachel.
"Woman scares the hell out of me."
And then he focuses back on his computer screen.
"Anyway, your resume….."
He starts to type.
"Okie dokie. Previous experience?"
Thinking for a moment, Rachel tells him,
"Um….none."
Chandler types this in.
"None. Job skills….?"
Again, she replies,
"None."
"That's two 'none's.' One more and they can walk into a bar."
Rachel doesn't get this little remark at all. He continues.
"Education?"
"A bachelors in art history," she says automatically.
"With a minor in….?"
And then a little more slowly she answers,
"Dance."
Chandler repeats her,
"Dance."
And he tries to not sound discouraged telling her,
"You should do just fine."
That same morning over at Bloomingdales, Joey is at the fragrance counter, wearing a tuxedo. He holds an atomizer which he offers to passing customers.
"Aramis…Aramis…Aramis…"
Rachel comes up to him.
"Hey gorgeous," he says to her. "How's the huntin'?"
"Uch, don't ask," she tells him. "But I got an interview here at four as an assistant buyer. I mean, doesn't that sound like the perfect job for me? If anything, I'm overqualified."
Joey quickly responds,
"If anything, you're late."
Rachel then looks at her watch and gets wide-eyed.
"Oh, oh, oh….!"
"GO!" He tells her. And Rachel runs off.
After watching her leave, Joey returns to his unimpressive trade.
"Aramis…. Aramis…."
A little later, still at Bloomingdales, Joey is still at the fragrance counter but coming on to a very attractive woman customer.
"Here. Smell me," he tells her.
And just then Rachel comes bounding up to him, buoyant.
"Hey, Joey!"
He turns his attention to her.
"You got the job!"
"No!" she replies, "But I found this great pair of boots."
Rachel opens her shopping bag. He looks in. Joey notices the price on the box.
"Wow. Four hundred bucks. You really go this whole impoverished, out of work thing down."
Rachel just stands there, beaming with joy.
All the while this is going on, Monica is at work as an assistant chef in an elegant uptown French restaurant. She is in a great mood, still in the flush of afterglow. Franny, another young woman chef, comes up beside her. As they sauté together now,
"Hey," Franny says to her.
"Hey," replies the smiling co-worker.
"How was your weekend?"
"Not bad."
After a moment.
"You had sex, didn't you?
Monica's smiles turns a little sly.
"I may have had sex, yes. Onions."
Franny hands her the onions.
"And the drought is over. So….who?"
Still sautéing, Monica answers,
"You know Paul, the wine guy?"
Franny knows immediately who she is talking about.
"Oh, yeah. I know Paul."
Then Monica hears something from Franny that she doesn't expect.
"Is he unbelievable or what?"
Monica starts to go into a little shock while Franny continues.
"I mean, I could never see going out with him seriously. I mean, he's such a hound. But between those Wamsuttas….hello!"
Monica is still stunned at hearing this.
"Whenwhen did you go out with him?"
"I don't know," Franny replies. "Like two months ago."
And now the onions that Monica was sautéing begin to burn.
Later that evening at the coffee house, everyone is there and Monica is still fuming.
"Of course it was a line!" Joey says.
"Whywhywhy would anybody do something like that?" Monica asks completely bewildered.
"I assume we're looking for an answer more sophisticated than to "to get you into bed"?" her brother asks.
"Let's put it this way….were you especially attentive last night? Especially selfless and giving? You know, makin' that little extra effort 'cause it was all about him?"
Monica realizes that she's been completely duped.
"I hate men. I hate men," she tells them all.
"She's right," Phoebe adds, "A woman would never do something like this."
"Oh, yeah?" Ross quickly iterates, "Well, you ever hear about a man faking it?"
"We do that for you!" Rachel offers.
"And don't think we don't appreciate it." Chandler adds.
"Is it me?" Monica continues, "Is it like I have a beacon that only dogs and men with severe emotional problems can hear?"
"It's not you," Phoebe tells her.
"Actually, I think it might be." Ross ponders. "Ninth grade. Ronnie Sugarman. And that kid from camp who was afraid of your bike."
Rachel now turns to Ross, "Oh, and remember when Doug McCalister tried to feel her up with the over-mitt?"
"Okay!" Monica says having had enough.
"Sounds like you can really pick 'em." Joey adds.
"Yeah, it's a wonder I haven't slept with you yet."
"Ow," Joey says appearing to be genuinely hurt.
"Well, that's it." Monica says with a sigh. "Forget dating. I mean it this time. Kennedy's could call me!"
"Especially Kennedys," Chandler says.
Monica now throws down her napkin in disgust.
"I just," she says speaking softly now. "I just thought he was nice. You know?"
Everyone remains silent realizing how hurt Monica is feeling now.
Everyone but Joey.
"I can't believe you didn't know it was a line."
Monica now leaps across the table to kill Joey….
Later, they are all back in the apartment. The guys are again raiding the fridge.
"Why don't I just bring my groceries straight to your place?"
"Orkay." Joey says with a mouth full of food.
Now Monica notices Rachel's bag from Bloomingdales. She takes out the boots.
"What's this?"
Rachel looks at her proudly.
"They're my new 'I-don't-need-a-job-I-don't-need-my-parents-I've-got-great-boots' boots."
Monica is amazed.
"How did you pay for them?"
Rachel now doesn't look so proud.
"Credit card."
"And who pays for that?" and inquiring Monica inquires.
"My father," Rachel says barely audible.
"So when you say you don't need your parents, you mean except for the stuff you want to buy."
"What would you like me to do? Not have my parents pay for anything?"
Monica looks at her.
"Rach, you can't live off them your whole life."
"I know that!" Rachel retorts, "That's why I was getting married!"
"Oh, give her a break." Phoebe interrupts. "It's hard being on your own for the first time."
"Thank you." Rachel tells her.
"I remember," Phoebe continues, "when I first came to the city. I was fourteen. My mom had just killed herself and my step-dad was back in prison."
Everyone looks at her now.
"And when I got here, I didn't know anybody and I ended up living with this albino guy who sold smack in Port Authority. Then he killed himself and then I found aromatherapy. So, believe me, I know exactly how you feel."
Rachel is staring at Phoebe now.
"Look," Monica says to Rachel, "maybe this whole roommate thing wasn't such a great idea. I mean, this is high school all over again."
She now looks at everyone else.
"I work every afternoon, every weekend for two years to buy this horrible Chevette held together with band-aids and no windows. Her father buys her a BMW convertible."
Monica turns back to Rachel.
"This is the real world. I don't need that here."
Ross now leans in and whispers to Rachel,
"That was such a great car."
"Ross!" Monica exclaims overhearing this.
Then Rachel turns to Monica,
"Do you know how jealous I was of your car?"
"Oh, please," Monica says in disbelief.
"I was!" Rachel continues, " 'Cause it was yours! I look at you guys in your crappy apartments with no doormen and used furniture, working just to make rent and I think ….that is so great."
"So how come I want to hit you with a brick?" Joey asks her.
After a moment,
"I just don't think I can do it." She tells them. She looks at the Bloomingdales bag.
"This is me. This is who I am."
"Bull." Monica tells her. "That's not all you are. You think you'd be my friend? Give me some credit."
Rachel stares at her.
A little later, Rachel is sitting at the kitchen table with her credit cards spread out before her. The others look on, supportively. Rachel then picks up a scissors and hesitates.
"Is this really necessary? I mean I can stop charging any time I want."
"The first step is admitting you have a problem." Chandler says.
"I can't do it."
"You can." Monica tells her.
"Come on," Ross offers her. And Joey adds, "Go, Rach."
They all begin to cheer her on,
"Cut! Cut! Cut!"
"Oh, god…," Rachel says to herself trying to find the strength.
But then she cuts the first card in half. Rachel let's out a little cry while the others cheer.
"You know what?" Rachel tells them now, "I think we should just leave it at that. You know, like a symbolic gesture."
"That was a gas card," Monica says, "You don't even have a car in the city."
"Okay, okay, fine."
With that, Rachel now quickly and painfully cuts through the other cards.
"If you listen very carefully," Chandler tells them, "you can hear a thousand retailers scream."
Rachel then hesitates again, looking at the last credit card. She becomes very nostalgic.
"This was my first one," She says, "You can hardly see the numbers. They have to punch them inthe magnetic strip doesn't work anymore."
"Rachel," Monica says trying to get her to snap out of it, "Cut the card."
Rachel now summons her courage and cuts. The others cheer and Monica gives her a hug.
"Welcome to the real world. It really sucks. You're gonna love it."
Later that night, still in the apartment, Joey, Chandler, and Phoebe have left. Monica, Rachel, and Ross sit watching television and eating Oreos. On the T.V. is 'The Dr. Berney Show". The veterinarian is showing a woman how to give eye drops to her cat. Ross yawns.
"You wanna crash on the couch?" Monica asks him.
"That's okay," Ross says declining her offer.
"You sure? I'll make you peanut butter and bananas."
"Nah," He tells her, "I gotta go home sometime."
"Yeah, well, I gotta go to sleep sometime, so…"
Monica gets up now, kisses him on the head and starts toward the bedroom.
"Don't forget," Ross adds, "tomorrow's Dad's birthday."
"Oh, great," Monica says becoming angry, "Wait 'till today to tell me. Like I can really get a card to him by tomorrow. Jerk."
She goes into the bedroom. Ross then turns to Rachel.
"In my heart, I'm an only child."
They now both look at the last Oreo on the plate in front of them.
"You want it?" Rachel asks him.
"Split it with you?" He asks her.
She agrees to this and they both take a half of the cookie.
"You probably didn't know this," Ross now adds feeling comfortable, "but back in high school I had a major crush on you."
Rachel smiles at him.
"I knew."
Ross is surprised to hear this but also encouraged.
"You did? Really? I always figured you thought I was just Monica's geeky older brother."
Rachel continues smiling but is also a little bit embarrassed now.
"I did."
"Ah," is all Ross can say to this.
She shrugs and they both sit there still holding their halves of the cookie.
"Listen," Ross now offers, "Do you thinkand try not to let my intense vulnerability become a factor heredo you think it would be okay if I asked you out sometime, maybe?"
Rachel thinks about his still smiling,
"Yeah, maybe."
"Okay," Ross tells her, "Okay, maybe I will. 'Night."
"'Night."
Ross gets up and starts for the door. Monica comes out of her bedroom. She sees his faceHe is clearly very pleased with himself.
"What's with you?"
"I just grabbed a spoon." He tells her exiting.
Several days later, at the coffee house, Monica, Phoebe, and the guys are hanging out.
"Okay, fine," Monica tells Joey, "It's a great butt. It's a phenomenal butt."
He smiles at this.
"In a Ned Beatty sort of way."
And now he stops smiling,
"Shut up. Just shut up," Joey says to Monica. She laughs at this. Just then a waitress comes up to the table.
"You guys want any coffee?"
Looking up, they see Rachel standing there with an apron on and a pot of coffee in her hand.
"Did you make it or are you just serving it?" Chandler asks her.
"Just serving it," she tells him. And then they all respond.
"Sure. I'll have some. Fill 'er up. I'll have coffee."
And Rachel starts serving them.
"You know who had great legs?" Phoebe offers for conversation, "Mr. Green-Jeans."
"When did you see his legs?" Ross asks her.
They all chime in together, laughing and talking at once.
Much, much later, at Ross's apartment, all the furniture is finished. And all of it is a little askew. Ross goes to his kitchen table and sets a glass down on it. He sits. The chair is visibly uneven, rocking from leg to leg. As he tries to fix it, the glass begins to slowly slide down the slanted table. He catches it just in time.
Then, a knock comes from the front door.
Ross gets up and answers it. He is surprised to discover Carol, his soon-to-be ex-wife.
"Carol," he says surprised.
"Hi," she tells him looking inside the apartment. "The place looks good."
Ross follows her look and then tilts his head.
"Especially if you go like this. Which is because all the furniture is kind of…nevermind" he stops and then looks at her.
"So, uh…what's up?"
"I'm pregnant," she tells him flatly.
The glass on the table falls off. Ross glances at it. Then back to Carol.
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"I'm pregnant. And….I want to keep it."
Ross is completely stunned.
"Is…is it mine?"
"Well," she says, "we know it's not Susan's"
Ross takes all this in, standing there.
The end.
This story dates back to March 3, 1994 and I again repeat, this story came to me, its not original. But the differences from a story similar to it may be interesting to some.
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