On The Outside Looking In
That night, Momiji sneaked from his room, glancing around from time to time to make sure that nobody was looking. In this way, he managed to sneak all the way to the house that his parents and his little sister stayed in. One more time, he glanced around to see that nobody was watching, before looking through the windowsill. He watched as his mother set the table for dinner, a kind smile on her face as she arranged cutlery for three on the table. She smiled, admiring her handiwork, before calling his father and sister down for dinner.
His sister, Momo, came in first. She looked beautiful, in a white frock decorated with pink lace, her face a contented smile. She smiled up at her mother, and her mother picked her up, gave her a comforting hug and started murmuring something to her, she replying back in equally a soft voice. From his vantage point, he had no idea what they were talking about, but he could see that they were both smiling contentedly.
At that moment, his father came down. He smiled at the two of them, placing a kiss on both his wife and daughter, before taking a seat at the table. They also sat down, and began eating. They looked so happy, so contented, one comfortable, loving family unit.
Even the dining room itself was warm and comfortable. Soft, earth colours, candles and dim lights, it made anyone feel at ease being in that room, or even looking inside, like he was doing now.
Yet, it hurt to know that his father, mother and sister were inside, warm and smug, eating dinner, while he himself was on the outside, in the cold, looking in. His mother and sister didn't even know he was part of the family. His father knew, but he did not want to spoil the present happiness by stressing his wife out again.
Momiji could still remember what happened at his birth, when, with love shinning in her eyes, his mother picking up to give him a hug, only to have him turn into a rabbit in her arms. She had screamed, and his father came running in, only to stare in horror at the little rabbit that was supposed to be his son.
His father had taken the rabbit and placed him back into the crib, before escorting his sobbing wife out of the room. She never came back in again. His father had been the one to show him the love, compensating for the lack of motherly affection.
His mother, on the other hand, only got worse. Every time she saw him, she would run screaming from the room. She would not even look at him.
Yet, he knew that she had to be hurting as well. She wanted to hug her newborn son with so much love, only to watch him transform into a strange animal. Just looking at him would only bring the despair and grief back, so she couldn't bring herself to do so. The mothers of children who are possessed by the animal spirits either became over-protective of the children, or chose to reject them completely. He wasn't the only one who was rejected, he knew that there were others who were rejected as well, yet at the end of the day, it still hurt.
Her moods became erratic, and every now and then, she would break into fits of hysterics. His father knew that the only way to save her was to erase her memory of her son's existence.
Momiji could still remember what exactly had happened, the exact words that had been said, the exact actions, even the weather itself. It had been dark, stormy, and the sounds of rain droplets were loud on the pavements and rooftops. He had been six at that time. On that fateful night, his father had come into his room with tears in his eyes, and hugged his son tightly. "Momiji, your mama is very ill," he told him sadly. "She may not make it through this. But . . . there is a change that she'll get better if she were to forget you . . ." he took a deep breath. "I know that this will be terribly painful for you . . . but Papa promises to shower you with double . . . triple the love to make up for it."
He looked beseechingly into his son's face. "If you truly love your mama . . . you'd wish to save her too, won't you?"
At that point in time, when he head those words, he felt his heart break. He could only look down at the floor, tears streaming down his face, as his father flung his arms around him. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," he kept whispering. Momiji had finally nodded, he could barely say a single word, he was too choked up. He knew that at the end of the day, he did love his mama, and knew that that was the only thing he could do to save her life. At least, she would live.
Even if it meant erasing himself from her mind. He saved his mama's life, otherwise, she would have ended up like Kyo's mama . . . he saved his mama's life, otherwise, she would be dead by now.
A year earlier, Kyo's mama had killed herself. Kyo's mother could not stand the fact that she had given birth to a monster. Not only did Kyo turn into a cat when hugged, he also turned into a terrible monster when his bracelet was taken off. A terrible monster which smelt of rotten meat.
He could still remember the funeral. It had been raining; all had been dressed in black. His orange haired cousin had been standing in front of his mama's coffin, staring down at her. People were standing around, glaring at the boy, making terrible comments on how he had killed his mother, caused her death.
He did not want his mother to end up doing the same thing. He would be blamed for it as well. He also wanted his mother to be happy.
That very night, they had sent for Hatori. His father had told Momiji to leave the room. He did, but hid behind the door to watch. It had been a terrible mistake, and his mother's hurtful words remained in his head until now, still causing the same old hurt feelings to surface. He heard Hatori ask, "Are you sure? Are you absolutely certain that you want to erase your memories of your child? Are you sure you won't live to regret it?"
His mother had replied, "The biggest regret of my life . . . was giving birth to that creature." Those hurtful words, he could not bear to watch anymore. With tears streaming from his eyes, he fled to his room. Even now, ten years later, just thinking of those words brought tears to his eyes again.
After her memory was erased, she began to get better, and two months later, she was laughing like her old self again. He'd saved his mother's life, and ever since then, he had been watching them from a distance, never allowing them to see him.
Turning away from the window, he knelt on the ground, staring at the grass. He didn't even care that the grass was staining his white pants. Oh well, at least they were happy. Even though he couldn't be part of their lives, at least they were happy. He felt like crying, every time he saw them together, and he really didn't want to burst into tears now. They had a family, they were together. He was no longer part of their family, no matter how badly he wanted to be part of them.
Maybe he better go back to his room, at least nobody would have to see the cheerful Momiji in tears.
When he reached his room, he was quite surprised to see a small girl with hair the colour of gold waiting outside form him. She smiled up at him. "Hi," she said, shyly.
"Hai, Kisa," he said, reaching out to pat the top of her head. "What's up?" He hoped she didn't notice that he wasn't in his normal cheerful mood.
She looked shyly up at him. "My mother just got me a new Mogentai DVD. Do you want to watch with me and Hiro, in my room?"
He smiled. "Okay," he replied. "I'll come over in ten minutes?"
"Okay," she said.
He slipped inside and sat on his bed, but to his surprise, he didn't feel like crying anymore. Maybe, it was the fact that he still had people to care about him. People who wanted to be with him. He opened his door to go out, and realised that Kisa was still waiting outside for him. "I'm ready," he said. She smiled, took his hand, and led him to her room.