Title: I Can I Will I Do
Author: PocketFace
Pairing: Drake/Josh
Rating: PG13 - Just some kissing, a bit of swearing. And, of course, incest.
Summary: You don't think I can love you. You don't think I can love you. But I can, and I will, and I do.
Disclaimer: Drake and Josh are not mine, I used them without permission of any kind. I am gaining nothing from this except my own enjoyment and hopefully yours, too. Also, I Can I Will I Do by The Barenaked Ladies is not mine, I also used the idea without permission.
Author's Note: Well, this is my first Drake and Josh fic. I was turned onto it by the loverly petals-on-scarecrows, who also was nice enough to beta this for me. ♥♥♥ It's somewhat of a songfic, but it's mostly just based on the song I Can I Will I Do by The Barenaked Ladies. I highly recommend downloading it and playing it while reading this, I think it will help you understand what's going on more clearly. It's also a really amazing song I recommend it even if you don't like the fic.
Also, I have only seen the show a few times(I don't have cable boohoo :c) and pretty much all of my knowledge of the show has come from fanfiction. 8) So, if you see any mistakes with the details, please excuse them. And don't be afraid to point them out. I totally understand and I won't take it personally.
Well, I really like this fandom so expect some more from me in the future! Please enjoy!
"Drake!"
He'd been standing there silently, watching me pack, and I don't know why he waited until I was just about to step out the door that he spoke up. I winced and stopped in the doorway, my shoulders hunched. I knew he was going to walk over and touch me, but I still shivered when he put his gentle- oh god, so gentle- hand on my shoulder.
"Drake, why do you have to leave?"
Oh, god, that voice. I closed my eyes and I imprinted that voice on memory once again. I remembered him saying my name, so I could take it out of context later. The silence had stretched for too long, so he leaned over me, trying to get a glimpse of my face. I turned my face away and tried to think of a response. I had to lie. I couldn't tell him why I was leaving, really.
"I told you, I might really have a chance in New York..." I said it quietly, almost as soft as Josh's voice but not. I don't think I could ever be that sweet.
"I... I'll see you again... Right?" The question made me blink and look over, throwing him a smile. I instantly saw him relax and return my smile.
"Of course you will, who's Drake without Josh?" I said it nice enough, but it wasn't exactly convincing. But apparently my smile was more convincing because he returned it tenfold. Before I knew what I was doing I had turned and pressed a gentle kiss to his perfect lips. Maybe I'm leaving because I can't understand this tingly feeling, but I couldn't imagine my life without Josh in it.
Suddenly I had a flashback to three months ago, the same flashback I had every time I touched him after a month ago.
"Oh shit! Oh... Fuck!" Josh was pushing away from me, and I dazedly noted that that was the first time I'd heard Josh say 'fuck'. Maybe it was my intoxicated state but Josh's choice of words surprised me more than his actions.
"Just... Just, forget that happened, okay?" he said shakily, and our gazes met. I gave him a lopsided smile and he blanched.
"What-what are you-!"
"You swore!" I giggled, waggling a finger at him. His expression changed from shock to confusion to something I couldn't describe.
"I-I... Drake... I just kissed you! And you're-you're surprised that I swore?!" I really wished he would sit down; all of his frantic hand movements were making me dizzy. I mulled over his words for a minute or two before turning back to him with that lopsided smile and a nod. Josh threw his hands up in the air and my mind reeled. It took me second to regain my composure.
"Ugh, Drake, you're so..." I was sure he was going to scold me, like he always did, but he trailed off, looking confused again.
"Josh, stop moving like that, you're giving me a headache." I said drowsily, closing my eyes.
"Wait, wait. I kissed you?" I opened a bleary eye and nodded, "And you... You're not-"
"You talk too much." I mumbled, leaning forward, wrapping my arms around Josh's neck and yanking him down into me. He cried out, arms shooting forward to land on the couch above my shoulders. He looked at me for a second, startled, before I leaned forward and kissed him. Finally he gave in that maybe I wasn't disgusted by his choice of actions and kissed back. I may have been a bit disorientated, but I could tell what was going on, and I could tell that I wanted it.
He pulled away after not long enough, turning away. He couldn't look at me. I wanted to give him what he wanted, but it was all so confusing. I wanted to, more than anything, but this was all new to me. I wasn't used to being cared for, at least the way Josh wanted to. I mean, I was used to the adoration of fans but that really wasn't the same thing. You can't go to a fan when you're upset. You can't cry on their shoulder. You can't fucking fall in love with them. Okay, well, I guess you could, but that's totally beside the point.
I somehow managed to make it out of our room and down into the living room without breaking down, even though I felt like I was leaving a part of myself behind. In the living room I met up with Walter, who was pretty silent. I had requested to not have to say goodbye to mom in some big thing. I just wanted to disappear for a while. Well, not just disappear. I'd hugged and kissed and waved, but I really didn't want to make a huge deal out of it. Walter drove me to the airport in almost silence, except for a few awkward questions about whether I'd packed this or that. I mostly just stared out the window and got lost in the passing scenery. At the gate I'd given Walter a friendly hug and a smile. I tried not to look sad, up until he mentioned Josh. He just had to.
"Josh... He's going to miss you... Well, we all are." I had to look away and pretend to check the time. When I turned back I'd managed to fish out that pretend smile again.
"I know, I'm going to miss- you all, too." my smile faltered a bit at my slip-up, I'd almost said Josh. I was going to miss him, but eventually it would be okay. I'd just forget about it. At least I hoped to god I would. All wounds heal with time, right?
Finally I was allowed to board and I found my seat as quickly as possible. Almost as soon as I plopped down in the seat I put in my headphones and turned to volume up loud enough to drown out everything but quiet enough not to disturb anyone. I stared out the window and let my mind wander, and before I knew it I'd fallen asleep. I was thrust into another night I relived and relived. This one had only been a month ago, after two months of me and Josh trying figure out just what the hell was going on.
I pushed him down against the couch, hands feeling and lips moving. I break the kiss, choosing instead to maim his neck. But something's wrong, he isn't making those adorable little pleased noises like he usually does. I pull away, looking down on him. There's a sadness in his eyes that makes me blink. I want to kiss away that sadness but something tells me that won't do it.
"What-what's wrong?" I'm a little disappointed that I have to stop kissing him, it's so addicting and the adrenaline rush is to die for. But something's definitely wrong. He glances away and after a moment of silence I back away, plopping back down into my place on the couch. He sits up, avoiding my gaze. I scoot up next to him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He tenses under my fingers, and my concern grows.
"Josh, what's wrong? Why are you sad?" I asked, confused. He looks up at me, and that sadness looks back at me.
"Drake... I-I love you." his voice is heart-shattering and he chokes it out before breaking down into sobs, covering his face in his hands and turning away from me. He pulls out from under my hand while this news sets in. I stare at nothing in particular, not sure how to feel about this. Part of me wants to lie and say I love him back, just so he'll stop crying. But another part of me is still shocked that my step-brother loves me. I don't think I love him back, but then again what the hell do I know about love?
"Josh... Josh, please stop crying..." I half-beg, putting my hand back on his shoulder. His sobs make my heart hurt, and I really wish he would stop. He sniffles and looks up at me, his tearstained cheeks making me feel another stab of hurt.
"But you- you can't... You won't- Y-You don't love me!" he cries, and a heartbreaking silence settles between us.
"Josh, I... I can't lie, but I can't just give this up, please!" my grip on his arm tightens, and the need in my voice surprises me.
"I'm sorry Drake, I tried, it just... It hurts. It hurts..." he puts his hands over his face again and starts sobbing silently. I wrap my arms around him, biting back tears of my own.
I wake up suddenly to a sharp jab in my shoulder. I jump and look around, hearing the overbearing beat of some song that I can't identify. The old lady in the seat next to me is saying something, but I can't hear her. I spring for my iPod, pausing it.
"Huh?" I said sleepily, stifling a yawn.
"They're serving dinner, and we're about halfway there." she said, and her tone was one of a pissed-off grandmother.
"Thanks." I nodded and smiled, but she just grumbled. I pressed play on my iPod and looked out the window. It looked like I had just missed sunset; the sky was relatively dark but you could still see the tint of blue. I yet again thought of Josh. He wouldn't have let me miss the sunset from this far up. I sighed, I just want to sleep. Sleep until I get to New York, until this stops hurting, until I stop wanting my step-brother, for chrissakes.
After only a month of being totally on my own he comes out. He's only in Connecticut, a few hours away. I reach into my pocket, fingering the folded-up piece of notebook paper yet again. I don't know why he decided to send me an actual letter, we exchange emails almost every day. But as he said in the letter, "This may be the lamest form of communication, but it's very endearing." The first time I read that I had to get out the electronic dictionary he'd given me as a going-away present and learn what the hell 'endearing' meant. But I after I figured that out the sentence made me smile.
"Josh!" I jumped at the name, looking around wildly for his thick, dark hair. Instead I got an eyeful of some blonde throwing her arms around a tall muscular guy who couldn't look any less like Josh. My heart started beating again and I went back to staring at my feet. When I moved here I bought an apartment and got a job at the bar across the street. I sang at karaoke night there once and made a big splash so they offered me a job. Because I'm still under twenty-one I'm not allowed to serve any drinks, but I wait tables and clean up and most of all, sing. Right now I'm sitting in one of the two chairs backstage and hugging my guitar, waiting for Danielle to finish. She's another regular, and she has got a pretty fantastic voice. She's a few years older than I am with long red hair and nice green eyes. Half of the reason I decided leaving Josh was a mistake was because of her. For the first week I was here I didn't hit on her once. Well, I guess this one time we were talking it could've passed off as a pickup line but I honestly didn't mean it to. I was walking home with her(even though 'home' is across the street, I thought that I'd keep her company) one night when we passed under a street lamp. I did a double take and stopped, and she turned to face me.
"Your eyes... They're green." I had said, conveniently forgetting to add the 'like Josh's' that my brain was demanding I say. I smiled for a second before realizing my mistake and turned back to the street. I blushed and did nothing to make her think I wasn't embarrassed about my choice of words. A few days after that she coyly hinted at going on a date but I didn't get it. It wasn't until she flat-out asked me to take her on a date that I got the hint. I was genuinely surprised, mostly at myself for not noticing a pretty girl who obviously had a thing for me. I had declined, saying I had a confusing relationship that I had to work out. Which was true, but there was no way that I told her it was with my step-brother.
The letter I keep touching in my pocket is the other half of the reason I decided the whole Josh fiasco was a big mistake. Most of the letter is about how he just moved into the dorms at Yale and how we should schedule a get-together. It also included his room number and other information so I could find him. When I first read the letter the thought of seeing him again made butterflies flap wildly around in my stomach. That old saying is really true- distance makes the heart grow fonder. Or whatever. But in my case it made me realize something that I probably never would've recognized if it weren't for the distance.
"Drake!" My own name makes me jump again and almost drop my guitar. Danielle is peering into my face, half-smiling.
"You're on." She laughs quietly and takes my seat as soon and I jump up and fumble to slip the guitar strap over my shoulder. When I saunter onstage any sign of uncomfortable-ness is gone, and I flash the audience a signature smile as I take my place in front of the mic stand. I clear my throat, still smiling as I glance over the crowd. It isn't a huge crowd but it's bigger than last night. There are a few teenage girls up front who are all wearing an identical oh-my-god-he's-so-amazing smiles.
"Good evening everybody!" there's a silent pause, "Okay, this first song is brand-new, and you all are the first to hear it." I flash the crowd another grin and there's a small bout of applause, mostly from the girls up front. I turn away from the mic, looking down on my guitar as I start to play. This is where I belong. This is the only place I can go in this town where I don't have to think about Josh. I don't think about anything, I just play.
"You call my name, Just as I leave, To tell me not to go. I laugh and you look hurt, I say it's too damn late, too damn late for that." I sing, and for the first time in four months it's a song that has no inspiration or reflection whatsoever to me and Josh. I just wrote it, just because I could. And it turned out pretty good. The audience seems to like it too.
The next morning is a Saturday and I turn up at Danielle's bright and early. I don't have a car yet, and she was nice enough to let me borrow hers. I told her I had to visit my brother in Connecticut, but I didn't tell her why. Thankfully she still has hope for me and she'll do pretty much anything I want. I feel a little bad taking advantage of her like this, but only a little. I give her a kiss on the cheek as a thank-you and speed off down the street.
A few hours later I pull into a spot outside the infamous Yale University, stopping for only a second to look at it's splendor. I honestly don't care that much. I only care about what it conceals.
After a half hour of wandering I spring down a hallway, looking for the right door. There it is! I screech to a halt and take a deep breath before knocking. My knock is surprisingly calm, in contrast to the way my heart is beating out of my chest.
"Just a sec!" Josh's voice makes me shiver and bite my lip. I feel like an impatient child, and waiting for Josh to throw open the door is torture. When he finally does there's a moment of silence between us.
"...Drake?" I break into a grin and attack him in suffocating hug, knocking him back a few steps. I bury my head in his shoulder, breathing deep.
"God, I missed you so much..." I mumble into his shoulder but I think he's too surprised to hear me. After a second he takes me by the shoulders and pushes me back. His expression is one of confusion and a dab of anger that demands 'what the hell?!'.
"Josh-" something occurs to me and I pull away, looking around. Then I turn and close the door.
"Drake, what- What the hell are you doing here?! Why didn't you tell me you were coming?! Why didn't you-"
"Josh." I cut him off raising my eyebrows in a 'hey-I'm-Drake-not-Josh' way, "You're alone, right?" He sighs, raking a hand through his hair and nodding.
"Drake, why are you here?" he asks, looking back at me. He suddenly looks exhausted and I smile. I can't contain myself any longer and launch myself at him, and thankfully we topple over onto a couch. I attack him with a passionate kiss, and after a second he kisses right back. We just kissed for a good couple minutes until his curiosity got the better of him and he pushed me away.
"P-Please explain." he said breathlessly, and I broke into a smile. I didn't speak until I'd planted a loving kiss on his temple.
"Josh, you don't think I can love you. Hell, I didn't think I could love you. But I can- I will..." I trail off, searching for the right word, "I do." I can hear him gasp lightly, fumbling for his words. My smile widens and I wait for him to speak.
"You-you... You do?!" I give an enthusiastic nod, "Drake, Jesus! Ohh, Jesus Christ I love you too!" he cries, reaching up and cupping my face. I think he might be close to tears but he pulls me into a kiss. We keep kissing for a while until I pull away to rid him of his shirt.
"Damn, I missed kissing you so much... You know you're an amazing kisser, right?" I whisper, our lips centimeters apart. He smiles and blushes, and I accidentally squeal because it's so damn cute. His eyebrows are raised and he starts to laugh, and I pout and cut off his laughter with another kiss. But this doesn't seem to help any because he insists on giggling against my lips. I pull away, still pouting.
"God, Drake... I love you so much." he shakes his head a little, still smiling widely. I smile back, tracing over his lips with my thumb.
"I love you too."