(We were back from a mission. While we are back at the castle we came up the stairs and Bruce Banner, also known as the Hulk, is carrying a large box.)
Bruce Banner/Hulk: Why do some of us, especially me always have to carry the heavy stuff? You're also strong enough to carry it.
Me: Well, it's very simple. In our ragtag band of hero-scientists with nothing to lose, I'm the reasonable one who also tries to be a good scientist, Neutron is the smart one, Squarepants is the funny one, and Stilton is the lovable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. About some of us I need to think about it. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.
Bruce Banner/Hulk: One more floor, and I'd be the pulled muscle.
Thea (who is inside the living room): Oh, it's about time, I'm starving.
Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde: Uh, well, we didn't actually get food yet.
Nala: Why not?
Reed Richards/Mr Fantastic: Don't panic, this is better.
Thea: Oh, no, you didn't trade the food for magic beans, did you?
Me: Of course not. And, technically, magic beans would be food, although eating them would be quite a waste, since you could plant them and overnight have a giant beanstalk, which would provide enough roughage for a small city.
Sam (from Danny Phantom): Yeah, sometimes I don't listen, sometimes I just watch your jaw go up and down.
Me: After we defeated the Serpent Society, we were on our way to the restaurant when we thought we saw Adam West, so we followed him.
Thea: Who's Adam West?
Genie: Who's Adam West? Sean, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?
Spongebob Squarepants: My guess is, "Hey, four minutes! New record!" That's why I'm the funny one.
Me: Anyway, we followed the guy to this garage sale, and they had the coolest stuff.
Spongebob Squarepants: They were closing up. We got this whole box for sixty bucks.
Me: We didn't even get to go through it all. There could be anything in here.
Thea: There a new girlfriend for Spongebob in there? 'Cause he might need one.
Me: No. But there is an original final draft Ghostbusters script with actual slime stains! (Geronimo whispers to me) Oh, you're right, it's Ghostbusters 2. Never mind.
Cody (from The Rescuers Down Under): Oh, my God. An Alf doll. When I was 11 my mother got me one to help me sleep after my dad left. I used to pretend that my dad had moved to the planet Melmac, and Alf was going to bring him back to me. But he never did. Where's my daddy, puppet? Where is he?
Thea: That is so sad.
Me: No, what's sad is that you don't know Adam West was TV's Batman.
The Ultimate Alliance – The Ultimate Series
Episode 17 – The Precious Fragmentation
Me: Here's Spock's head with no body. Here's Mr. T's body with no head. Oh, yeah, here's Spock's body with Mr. T's head (laughs). I pity the fool who's illogical (laughs and the Defenders too).
Thea: Sean, the last time we fought against Nega-Sean I found this.
Me: At the football stadium? Let me see, but wait a second.
Thea: Okay.
Me: Ooh, look, an Indiana Jones connect-the-dots.
Mowgli: And an Aquaman action figure.
Aquaman: Is there an action figure of me? Cool.
Patrick Star: Looks like someone drew a penis on him.
Mowgli: Huh? That'll come off. (Tries to clean it off with his finger, everybody was looking)
Sandy Cheeks: You see what you're doing? Stop that.
Me: Fascinating.
Harry Potter: What?
Me: What Thea found at the football stadium, when we were fighting against Nega-Sean and his scum, appears to be a Lord of the Rings ring.
Hercules: Mighty Zeus.
Thea: What's the matter?
Aragorn: It's a very mighty weapon.
Mowgli: It's even got the Elvish engraving on it.
Me: It's not Elvish. It's the language of Mordor written in Elvish script. One Ring to
rule them all.
Homer Simpson: One Ring to find them.
Dexter (from Dexter's laboratory): One Ring to bring them all.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: And in the darkness bind them.
Mowgli: Holy crap, are we nerdy.
(Later, we were eating in a restaurant)
Spongebob Squarepants: So, I was doing some checking on the ring.
Patrick Star: Hold on. Squidward, is there ketchup on that table?
Squidward: Yes, there is. Oh, here's a fun fact, ketchup started out as a general term for sauce, typically made of, uh, mushrooms or fish brine with herbs and spices. Some popular early main ingredients included blueberry, anchovy, oyster, kidney bean and grape.
Patrick Star: No, that's okay. I'll get it.
Spongebob Squarepants: Listen, I was looking at the ring, and it seemed a little weird. No copyright notice on it. So, I took it down to Gandalf and this buddy of mine who deals with, shall we say, the seedy underbelly of the collectibles world.
Trap: Seedy underbelly?
Spongebob Squarepants: You know, your black market phasers, your screen-worn Lieutenant Uhura panties, that kind of stuff.
Patrick Star: Who's this mysterious buddy you suddenly have?
Spongebob Squarepants: Just a guy. I know a guy.
Patrick Star: Is it Eddie Crispo?
Spongebob Squarepants: No, I can't tell you who it is. Stop asking.
Patrick Star: Who else could it be? It has to be Eddie Crispo.
Spongebob Squarepants: I know lots of dangerous people, okay?
Patrick Star: Name one.
Spongebob Squarepants: Eddie Crispo.
Squidward: I think I need a doctor.
Spongebob Squarepants: Anyway, he and Gandalf said this isn't a replica. It's the real deal.
Me: If you're suggesting that that is the actual ring of power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever so slight amusement.
Thea: He's not saying it's a magic ring. You're not, are you?
Spongebob Squarepants: Yes, it is. In Middle-Earth: Three rings were made for the Elves, Seven to the Dwarves and Nine to the Humans while theDark Lord of Mordor made one for himself. During the movies, Nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies. Three were given to members of the cast. The rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. But this is the one from Middle-Earth. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the one ring.
Squidward (snatching it): Mine!
Me: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.
Squidward: Well, yes, but I saw it first when Thea gave it to you, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.
Me: The Ring was in my hands so I found it first.
Squidward: It belongs to me.
Me: How is this maritime salvage?
Squidward: Other than the lack of water, how is it not?
Mowgli: Wait, wait. Sheldon, stop being crazy for a second. How much is something like this worth?
Spongebob Squarepants: Well, it's tough to say since it's hot, but on the underground market, my guy figures…
Patrick Star: Your guy Eddie Crispo?
Spongebob Squarepants: Yes. He figures ten, maybe 15 thousand.
Homer Simpson: Okay, that's a lot of money. The wise thing to do is invest it in something practical. Like a jet ski.
Marge Simpson: Why do you want a jet ski?
Homer Simpson: All the wealthy and beautiful people in movies ride Jet Skis. That can't just be a coincidence.
Cheshire Cat: We can't sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it, and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favourite scenes from the movies.
Spongebob Squarepants: It's sad how great that sounds.
Me: Guys, it's dangerous. Don't you know what happens to you when you are in contact with the Ring? I'll explain to you when we are home. But so far, it belongs to Middle-Earth.
Moses (from the Prince of Egypt): Fine. Even Peter Jackson can have it back as long as he promises to make me a hobbit in his next movie.
Taran (from The Black Cauldron): There are no Jewish hobbits.
Moses: Clearly, you've never been to my house for dinner on Rosh Hashanah.
Me: We are also not blackmailing Peter J… All right, where's the ring?
Squidward: You mean my ring?
Me: What are you doing?
Squidward: The ring was unguarded, it was just sitting on the table, anyone could have taken it. Proof? I did.
Me: Give me that.
Homer Simpson: Look, let's be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jet ski.
Squidward: I found it. The ring is mine. I don't understand why in this group I never get my way.
Me: (reacts silently and looks at Squidward) You always get your way!
Squidward: I'll stipulate to that if you give me the ring.
Me: Let's go home. I'll explain some things. Where's that goddamn ring?
Squidward: Looking for something?
Me: Give me that.
(Castlevania: the Living Room)
Thea: That language is nothing like I've ever seen before.
Me: There are a few who can' read it. It's the black language of Mordor which I will not speak here.
Geronimo: Mordor?
Me: In common language it says: 'One Ring to rule them all. One Ring to find them. One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them'. This is the one ring, forged by the dark lord Sauron, in the fires of Mount Doom. Taken by Isildur from the hand of Sauron himself.
Frodo: Me and my companions have once destroyed it.
Gandalf: And now it's back.
Me: The ring has a dangerous effect. One advantage is that how longer you keep the ring, you will never get old. The disadvantages: the ring can give you a terrible greed of keeping the ring for yourself. Hobbits can turn into schizofrenic monsters. It also can happen to human beings, but humans can mostly turn into ring wraiths. Wizards and witches can use the ring for good, but with it they can become a dark lord or an evil queen.
Thea: That sounds all terrible.
Me: I think Sauron might be up to this.
Benjamin: But he was destroyed. Sauron was destroyed.
(The ring is making noise)
Me: No, Benjamin. The spirit of Sauron will exist forever. I'm affraid he has returned and joined the Lords of Shadow. His orcs have multiplied and his fortress in Barad-dûr has been rebuilt. Sauron needs this ring to cover all the lands of Middle-Earth in a second darkness. All these years, he has been searching for it. All his desires are pointed at this. He can call the ring. They're one: the ring and the dark lord. It must never be found. We must also make no contact with the ring. Under any circumstances.
(Later, Thea and I are asleep in my bed. Squidward creeps in and tries to take the ring from round Thea's neck, but she turns over. He tries to make buzzing fly noises to get her to turn back, but she turns all the way the other way. He then uses an extender with a claw on the end to lif the ring from Thea's chest. As he tries to remove it, she wakes up, screams, and punches him in the face.
Squidward: Ow! You hit me! I'm bleeding!
Me: What was that?
Thea: Squidward tried to take the ring and I punched him.
Me: That's my girl.
(The cafeteria.)
Aladdin: So, Squidward how's it feel to get beaten up by a girl?
Squidward: It's not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I'd had the presence of mind to reabsorb her, then I'd have a mole with hair in it instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.
Homer Simpson: Gentlemen, have you come to the realization that the only reasonable course of action is to sell the ring and divide the money?
Me: No.
Homer Simpson: I was afraid of that. (Opens his laptop to reveal a man that looks a bit like him but with more hair on a webcam.) Go ahead.
Man on Screen: Greetings from Mumbai. I am Homer's attorney, Herb Simpson.
Homer Simpson: Also my brother.
Charlie Barkin (from All dogs go to heaven): You brought a lawyer?
Herb: Don't answer that. I'll get straight to the point. My client's prepared to surrender any interest he has in the ring in exchange for two Kawasaki Jet Skis.
Me: We're not giving him two Jet Skis.
Herb: Look, we're big boys, why don't we just cut to the chase and meet in the middle? One Kawasaki Jet Ski, done and done.
Me: No Jet Skis. The ring is too dangerous especially for Thea.
Squidward: Still protective over her.
Me: Yes, is that a problem?
Herb: All right, forget the Jet Skis.
Homer Simpson: Forget the Jet Skis? That was our line in the sand! What happened to "tear them a new one?"
Herb: What can I say? They played hardball. We lost.
Homer Simpson: You're useless.
Herb: I told you that when you hired me.
Homer Simpson: I'm signing off now.
Herb: Call your mother, she worries.
Spongebob Squarepants: Okay, just so you know, if we're bringing in brothers who are lawyers, prepare for shock and awe.
Me: You know what? I am ending this. None of us can hold the ring anymore. Thea gave it to me, I have it. I'm sending it back. Where's the ring?
Squidward: You mean this ring? Next time be aware of your surroundings while urinating in a public men's room.
Me: Give me that.
Squidward: No, it's mine.
Homer Simpson: It's all of ours. (They begin to struggle over the ring.)
Me: Okay, now, this is ridiculous! Before we know it where going to end as Nazgûl or worse.
Spongebob Squarepants: Then let go!
Me: I'm not letting go, you let go.
Peter Pan: I say this ring belongs to the last person who can hold on.
Me: Fine. But can't we go home and start this?
Jack Skellington: Sure. Let go of the ring.
Me: All right, it starts now.
Tony Stark/Iron Man: You do realize there's a monster movie marathon tonight on the Syfy Channel. (They start to move away from the table while all still holding the ring.)
Homer Simpson: Wait, my laptop. (They go back for it.)
(Castlevania: the Great Stairway in the Royal Chapel. We're coming up the stairs, all still holding the ring)
Pocahontas: You know, there's a point when this becomes idiotic.
Geronimo: And it wasn't when we were driving like this?
Me: I would advise all of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.
Geronimo: You want to talk about endless patience? Thea made me watch all five seasons of Sex and the City.
Homer Simpson: There are six seasons, dude.
Geronimo: Oh, crap!
Mowgli: No, no, no, the sixth season is great. We go to Paris with Carrie and get our heart broken, and then Mr. Big shows up, we don't know if we can trust him again. It's a wild ride.
Me: Door. (I'm trying to unlock the door and dropped the keys.)
Mowgli: Okay, everybody, and plie.(Everybody goes to the ground like a ballerina) And relevae. (we stand up again)
Thea: Whatcha doin'?
Me: Last one holding the ring decides its fate. I know, it sounds silly.
Thea: No, no, no, no, no, no, you are my boyfriend. Nothing you do is silly to me.
Me: Thank you.
Jasmine: FYI, Aladdin. This is a bag from Victoria's Secret.
Aladdin: I'm out. (let go of the ring)
(The Living Room: The rest of us are still holding the ring. Spongebob is on the phone.)
Spongebob Squarepants: I'm sorry, Ma, I have to stay late at the office.
Homer Simpson: No, he doesn't! He's lying to you!
Spongebob Squarepants: Will you be quiet?
Homer Simpson: Well, if you want privacy let go of the ring. I'm so glad we came to this gentile strip club! Spongebob, here's more bacon to tuck into the shiksa's G-string!
Spongebob Squarepants: I'll call you back.
Homer Simpson: I think it's lovely you call your mommy and let her know you're going to be late for dinner. From what I know about these things especially about Sean's girlfriend Thea, if a woman doesn't breast-feed on time, it's very uncomfortable for her boobies.
Spongebob Squarepants: Don't you talk about my mother's boobies!
Me: And don't you talk about my girlfriend's boobies.
Homer Simpson: If you're offended, let go of the ring and go on home to your mother's and girlfriend's boobies.
Me: Excellent, excellent. Tire each other out, the ring will be mine. Spongebob, why don't you go after Homer's mother?
Rainbow Dash: Why don't we go after your mother?
Me: Go ahead. I have no illusions about my mother. She is a kind, loving, gentle woman with a somehow stress problem and a disadvantage of listening to my opinions. Anything you'd like to add?
Squidward: That's not getting us anywhere. Better pull out the big gun.
Mowgli: You're right. Let's talk about your grandmother.
Me: No! I call no Meemaws.
Shanti (from Jungle Book): Think about this. The only way your mother was born was your Meemaw had sex.
Me: I don't want to hear this.
Timmy Turner: Then let go of the ring and walk away.
Sheldon: Never.
Discord: All right. I'll bet your Meemaw didn't just have sex to have your mother. I bet she had sex because she liked it.
Me: Stop it!
Genie: Yeah, Meemaw did the nasty.
Me: I said stop it!
Miguel (from The Road to El Dorado): We're getting to him.
Me: Waterfalls!
Bart Simpson: What?
Me: Waterfalls. Crashing waves. Babbling brooks.
Nala: What are you doing?
Me: Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets. Leaky gutter. Peeing.
Mowgli: It's, it's not working, dude.
Me: Oh-ho-ho, it's working all right. I have to pee.
Victor Van Dort (from Corpse Bride): Then let go of the ring and go.
Spongebob Squarepants: No, actually, I wouldn't mind going, too.
Victor Van Dort: Fine. Um, on the count of three. One, two…
Me: Wait, just to clarify. When you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?
Timon: We stand up.
Me: Excellent choice.
Victor Van Dort: Three.
Squidward: Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.
(Sometime later. The Defenders are on the settee. Squidward and the rest are asleep, he is not holding the ring. Sheldon and Homer are still holding the ring. Homer, also asleep, lets go and cuddles up to Squidward.)
Me: I've done it! I've won! The ring is mine! It's mine! (I'm running to the bathroom) We're going to clean it up and make it pretty. My own. My love. My precious. (I looked in the mirror and have turned into golem. I screamed and woke up, still on the settee.) Where's the ring?
Thea: It's in a FedEx box on its way back to where it came from.
Homer Simpson: The fires of Mount Doom?
Thea: To the Elves of Rivendell. It wasn't ours.
Spongebob Squarepants: You weren't playing the game! You had no right to take it.
Thea: I came in here, you guys were all sleeping. The ring was on the floor. No one was touching it.
Twilight Sparkle: Well, so then we start the game over until there's a winner.
Thea: There wasn't ever going to be a winner. There was going to be a selfish, petty person with a ring and a group of people who used to be his friend. Is that really what you guys want? 'Cause if it is, fine, I don't want anything to do with you. And I don't know what happened in that bathroom, but I am not cleaning it up! (Goes to my bedroom. Takes a box from under the bed. Takes out the ring.) My precious.
(Thea is asleep in my bed. The extender and claw reaches across and pulls down the sheet revealing the ring on a chain round Thea's neck.)
Me: I knew it. (Thea holds my arm) Give us the precious!
Thea: NEVER!
(We begin to struggle, both shouting "give it", "give it to me" and "it's mine" at various intervals. But soon some monsters have heard everything and try to stop us.)
Count Dracula: Alright, that's enough. I have a better idea.
(Later the ring was behind a safe deposit box and some defense systems were on. Nobody will ever touch the ring again.)
Me: We almost turned into selfish monsters, thanks Dracula.
Count Dracula: You're welcome.
Thea: We must never forget this lesson. (hug each other)
Me: Let's get to bed. (yawning)
(No one knows that some crows are spying on the castle. They went through a portal straight to Night Realm or the Realm of Darkness.)
Orc: My lord. We found it.
THE END