Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 7
EPISODE 10
Airdate: November 18, 2018
"Meet Jaylynn"
Special Guest Stars: Jeff Bennett as Conrad Fleem
#TYH708
SCENE 1
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
One afternoon at Ike's, the kids are going through several rounds of milkshakes. Buster sighs while loosening up the belt on his jeans.
BUSTER: Man, if I have any more milkshakes, I'll become lactose intolerant.
WADE: You could have stopped after the seventh milkshake, you know.
BUSTER: But I hadn't had the peanut butter one yet! If there's one thing my parents taught me, it's to never quit.
SPARKY: Don't worry about it, Buster. You can have all the milkshakes you want on Jaylynn Day.
JAYLYNN: Ugh, do we really have to call it that?
SPARKY: Yeah, we do. This is a really special day, Jaylynn. It's the day you joined our group and made us whole.
RK: Yeah, and since you didn't let us throw you a birthday party this year, the least you can do is enjoy your celebration.
JAYLYNN: You're not the boss of me.
RK: In this case, I am.
BUSTER: It's a really crazy thing, guys. Jaylynn has been with us for years and we've come a long way since then.
RK: It's true. Feels like just yesterday that you joined the group, you crazy little redhead.
JAYLYNN: You know what I can't believe? That I used to hate you guys. Was I high back then?
RK: Maybe, but don't sweat it. We hated you too. We all hated each other at the time.
SPARKY: I don't remember hating any one of you guys.
RK: Oh, then it was just me.
WADE: You know, I'll always remember the day we met Jaylynn.
BUSTER: Alright, let's do this.
Buster rubs his chin and looks up at the ceiling.
WADE: What the hell are you doing?
BUSTER: I'm getting ready for the flashback. Aren't you about to tell us a story?
WADE: I am, but could you stop doing that? It's not a sitcom.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
There is an exterior mid-morning shot of the school while a caption appears on the screen that says: "Sometime back in the fall of 2012." Cut to Buster, RK, and Wade having lunch together.
RK: Hey, do you guys know if rashes are hereditary?
WADE: I thought you told us you would stop talking about gross shit while we eat.
At that point, Sparky runs up to the guys.
SPARKY: Guys, guys, you're not gonna believe it! I have the best news that's ever been news since the invention of news!
BUSTER: You sealed the deal with Halley?
SPARKY: No.
RK: You got us luxury box seats to the Seahawks?
SPARKY: Way better.
WADE: Bitch Clock's finally moving out?
SPARKY: Man, you guys need to step up your guessing game. Jaylynn's coming over! She told me today that she's going to be in town this weekend!
Beat.
RK: Cool, man, have fun.
WADE: Yeah, give her my best.
SPARKY: She's actually coming over so she can meet you guys. We're all hanging out with her this weekend.
RK: Why? Did we do something to piss you off?
SPARKY: No. Guys, this means a lot to me. Jaylynn's my pen pal and you're my best friends. All I want is for you to meet her and get along.
WADE: Sparky, no offense, but everything you've told us about Jaylynn makes her sound like the lamest, most uninteresting person in the universe.
BUSTER: Yeah, she's the worst.
SPARKY: You've never even met her.
BUSTER: I've never met Ronald McDonald either, but I know he used to dress up as a goblin and scare kids while they were sleeping.
RK: Doesn't he already wear a costume?
BUSTER: Saying he's wearing a costume is highly offensive to his community.
SPARKY: Okay, I don't know what this is, but you guys have to meet her to really understand her. She's not a people person and she doesn't always feel like talking, but once you get on her good side, she'll let you know it.
RK: Yeah, and I bet if you get on her bad side, she'll let you know by smashing your car windshield and burning your face off with a flat iron.
SPARKY: Dude, shut up. She's coming to Seattle and you're meeting her. There's no getting out of this.
RK: What if I pretend that I'm dead? Will that get me out of it?
SPARKY: No.
RK: Well, a hotel reservation is just one phone call away.
SCENE 3
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Buster, RK, and Wade are watching TV later that day.
RK: You know what this is about, right, guys? He's setting the trap. He doesn't think we see it, but I'm not falling for his tricks.
BUSTER: Who are you talking about?
RK: Richard Ramirez, the Satan-worshipping serial killer. Who do you think I'm talking about?! It's Sparky with his whole "meet Jaylynn" scheme. This is the first phase in his diabolical plot.
WADE: Why do you always assume that everything is a diabolical plot?
RK: Because the world is scary and it hates everything it touches.
BUSTER: I don't know, man. Sparky's doing a little too much, but I think he just really wants us to like Jaylynn.
RK: That's how it starts. He doesn't want us to like Jaylynn. He wants us to meet our maker. We're about to witness our future.
WADE: It's amazing how much you can say at one time and not have any of it make a bit of sense.
RK: I know what I'm saying! Look, Jaylynn is Sparky's pen pal. He really likes her, and he wants us to like her, but what he really wants is for us to get used to her. She's going to take over our lives from now on. She's going to start coming with us on vacations, watching TV with us, playing games with us. Before we know it, she's going to transfer to our school and walk into our houses unannounced to eat our leftovers.
BUSTER: You really think that could happen?
RK: Of course, it will. It's never just going to be us guys from now on. Jaylynn's going to be the alternate, the one person that fills in when one of us can't make it someplace. And if she really has her way, then she's going to cast us aside so she's the only person Sparky gets to hang out with.
WADE: RK, you're talking crazy. There's no way that can happen.
RK: What makes you so sure? You love science, right? Infinite possibilities in the universe? What's stopping this from happening then?
WADE: Oh no. You might be on to something. Jaylynn's coming to ruin our lives!
RK: Told you. It's going to be a hostile takeover beyond compare.
BUSTER: Well, what do we do? Just sit around drinking chocolate milk with our thumbs in our pockets?
RK: No. We're going to fight back. We're going to resist. When Jaylynn gets here, we're going to make her life a living hell. We're going to make Sparky see that we just can't get along with her, and we'll remain separate but equal again.
WADE: Separate but equal?
RK: I know what you're thinking, but trust me, that's the best way to describe the situation.
SCENE 4
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
A few days later, RK, Buster, and Wade look depressed as they sit at the booth.
RK: Well, guys, it's Friday. Doomsday. D-Day. J-Day, if you will. The day Jaylynn comes to destroy everything we've worked so hard to build over the years.
BUSTER: That bitch.
WADE: Look, RK, I have no problem with pretending that Jaylynn doesn't exist, but I don't know if I have in it me to be mean to her.
RK: All you have to remember is that Jaylynn hates you as much as you hate her, brother. If it helps, you can always throw in those sarcastic comments you think we never catch.
WADE: What are you talking about? I'm not sarcastic.
RK: Remember last week when Buster said he had to gather his thoughts and you said it would be two more thoughts than he usually has?
WADE: Wow. I'm evil.
RK: Exactly. Keep the snark. Oh shit, here they come!
At that point, Sparky walks into the restaurant with Jaylynn and leads her to the boys' booth.
SPARKY: Guess who I picked up at the airport.
BUSTER: Justin Bieber?
WADE: Yup, because pop stars always need rides to ice cream shops in the afternoon.
RK gives Wade an annoyed look.
WADE: I should probably save my ammo for Jaylynn.
RK: You think?
SPARKY: Gentlemen, this is my pen pal from Portland, Oregon. The girl, the myth, the legend, the Jaylynn Skylar Hernandez!
JAYLYNN: Ugh, you're so corny. But I love it. What's up, guys?
RK: Howdy.
WADE: What's going on?
BUSTER: If you come to my condo and eat my leftovers, I'm calling the cops.
JAYLYNN: What?
SPARKY: Oh, don't mind that. My friends are always coming up with weird jokes. This is my all-time best friend, Buster Newman. I can't think of a single person that doesn't like him.
BUSTER: Yeah, I don't discriminate. Unlike some people.
Buster gives Jaylynn a sinister look.
JAYLYNN: Hey, don't kill me. I actually want to see Seattle this weekend.
SPARKY: And this guy here is RK Jennings. He's a character. That's the best way to describe him, a character.
JAYLYNN: What's up, man?
RK: Yeah, I'm a character. I'm a really good character and I've fought for my spot!
JAYLYNN: Okay? And you're Wade, the genius?
WADE: Well, kids call me that, but I don't think so. I did skip a grade, though.
JAYLYNN: Really? No way! I wish I could do that.
WADE: Well, you might have a prayer if you get tremendous grades, but it's not for everyone.
JAYLYNN: Oh. Well, if you say so.
SPARKY: You know what? It's a little cramped in here. Why don't we head down to my place? Eat some pizzas, get to know each other a little better?
JAYLYNN: That sounds awesomesauce.
RK: Wait, what? Awesomesauce? What the hell is that?
JAYLYNN: Oh, right, I'm not in Portland. It's just another way to say something is awesome. No big.
BUSTER: No big what? Donut?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, you guys really are characters.
SCENE 5
The MacDougal Household
Interior Dining Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, the kids are eating pizza together, but the feeling in the room is awkward.
RK: So, Jaylynn, you watch any good TV shows lately?
JAYLYNN: No, I'm not crazy about TV. It's kind of a waste of time to me.
RK drops his slice on his plate out of disgust.
RK: Alright, I'm one minute away from losing my appetite.
WADE: Do you have any brothers and sisters, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: No. I don't really have a family. My mom died from alcohol poisoning and my dad left us when I was really little so I never met him.
WADE: I'm sorry about that.
JAYLYNN: It's okay. F*** my dad. I hope someone kicks him in the nuts so hard, he goes to the hospital and dies from the impact.
BUSTER: Yeah, I never spent much time with my dad either.
JAYLYNN: Hey, do any of you listen to grunge?
WADE: Grunge?
JAYLYNN: Yeah, grunge. You guys are from Seattle and you don't listen to grunge?
*under his breath* RK: She better not be vegan. I swear to God, if she ends up being vegan...
SPARKY: Yeah, I don't think any of them listen to grunge.
JAYLYNN: Oh, well, they should. There's so many great bands. Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden...
WADE: I guess when a grunge band actually releases an album in this decade, I'll check it out.
RK: Right?
RK and Wade snicker to themselves.
JAYLYNN: You know what sucks? Money. There's so much of it and not enough for everyone. Why can't I be rich? Why can't I have Beyonce's money?
RK: Because you're untalented?
WADE: Right?
RK and Wade snicker to themselves again.
SPARKY: You know, I think that's just how life is. Some people were born to get paid, others weren't.
JAYLYNN: Well, it's bogus. I wish I had a million dollars. All the stuff I could buy. But no, we have to deal with a whole bunch of people over in D.C. who don't care about the next person and whether they have enough. What makes you special sitting around sipping champagne while poor people are eating leaves out of soup cans?
BUSTER: Because they have champagne money?
JAYLYNN: Well, it's stupid. Why can't there be a program in place to give everyone money? Like, every person in the country? I wish they could give me a million dollars. I would do so many things with that money. I would probably start by giving it to some of the kids...
Dissolve into later on with the caption reading "One Hour Later." The boys are all bored beyond belief as Jaylynn continues to talk and Sparky has already left the room.
JAYLYNN: You know, it's interesting because I'm not saying that anything is perfect, but money is a valuable resource. What we need to do is use that resource for good. Why is money the root of all evil? Why can't we change that for the better?
RK: OKAY, WE GET IT! YOU CAN SHUT THE F*** UP ALREADY!
JAYLYNN: Excuse me, don't f***ing talk to me like that. I'm trying to share my thoughts on something. Sorry if it's bothering you.
RK: Don't say sorry to me, you know you're not sorry. The person who says sorry never actually means it!
JAYLYNN: Well, you can either listen to me or leave.
RK: Or you can stop talking for an hour! IS THAT SO HARD TO DO?! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND COMMON SENSE?!
Sparky runs into the room.
SPARKY: What's going on in here? I heard shouting all the way from the bathroom!
BUSTER: Your pen pal's a freak.
JAYLYNN: And you're a dumbass, but you don't see me complaining.
BUSTER: Are you challenging me?!
SPARKY: I should have known this had a chance of backfiring.
WADE: So now that you have awareness of your mistake, how soon can we get Jaylynn on a plane back to Portland?
Sparky gives Wade an annoyed look.
SCENE 6
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The guys are talking to Sparky later that night.
SPARKY: Okay, so tonight wasn't exactly a good first start, but there's always tomorrow so you guys get another chance.
WADE: Or maybe we don't want another chance. Sparky, why do you care so much about us getting along with Jaylynn? It's obvious we don't click.
RK: Yeah, man. We have about as much in common as fruit punch and arsenic. I'm surprised someone as cool as you would waste their time talking to that clown.
SPARKY: Well, Jaylynn's an acquired taste. She might not seem like a great person at first, but that's because she's like a pinata. Once you crack her mind open and get all the good stuff, she's a lot more interesting.
BUSTER: How can Jaylynn be like a pinata? She's white.
SPARKY: Dude, she's Hispanic on her mom's side.
BUSTER: Well, she needs to wash out that hair dye and get a tan because she doesn't look like any Spanish person I've ever seen.
SPARKY: Look, it just wasn't the night tonight. You guys were nervous, she was nervous. Not everything is going to work out on the first try. So why don't I stay home tomorrow and you guys hang out with her by yourselves?
RK: Wait, you're not coming? You're leaving us alone with that joker?
SPARKY: Why not? You can show her around Seattle, see a movie with her, get to know her a little better. And maybe by the end of the weekend, you guys will have some common ground with her.
WADE: You know what? Why don't you just send me on the next flight to Portland and I'll come back on Monday?
Sparky gives Wade another annoyed look.
WADE: Hey, if I remove myself from the equation, things become way easier.
SCENE 7
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Sparky is on the phone with Jaylynn after the guys have left.
SPARKY: So I think the best way for you guys to bond is if you spend some time with each other. You know, just the four of you.
JAYLYNN: And what makes you think I want to waste a Saturday hanging around your lame friends?
SPARKY: Because I flew you out here and these guys mean the world to me?
JAYLYNN: What are you talking about? I paid for my own ticket.
SPARKY: Well, let's pretend I did fly you out and this is a way of showing me your gratitude.
Bitch Clock walks towards Sparky after coming downstairs.
BITCH CLOCK: Hey Sparky, I'm going to the fridge. You want a beer?
SPARKY: No, because I'm nine.
BITCH CLOCK: You sure? It's Budweiser. Fresh out the case, just bought it today.
SPARKY: I said no, Bitch Clock! Now, go away.
BITCH CLOCK: One day, you're going to be begging to get loaded and I won't be there. Appreciate me while I'm around.
Bitch Clock walks into the kitchen.
JAYLYNN: Who were you talking to just now?
SPARKY: Don't worry about it, it was just my alarm clock. Now, what do you say?
JAYLYNN: Bro, I don't know. I mean, at first, I was cool with meeting your friends, but they're just so irritating. I don't know where you found them.
SPARKY: They're an acquired taste. Once you crack open the pinata and get all the good stuff, they're way more interesting.
JAYLYNN: Well, one of them did come off a little sweet. No, wait, all of them.
SPARKY: See? You're already finding something good to say about them.
JAYLYNN: No, I'm not using "sweet" the way you think I am. Look, I'll try this for you because you care about them, but after this weekend, I'm done. I only need you as my friend, not them.
SPARKY: Understood.
Bitch Clock comes back into the living room holding up a bottle of Bud Light Lime.
BITCH CLOCK: Eh?
SPARKY: Dude, are you kidding me?
BITCH CLOCK: Relax, it's light beer that tastes like Sprite. But if it makes you wanna hurt someone, I'm only accepting partial responsibility.
SCENE 8
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The next day, the kids are all gathered together.
SPARKY: Alright, guys, time for round two of the Jaylynn weekend. Today, you guys are going to spend time as a foursome and just try having fun together.
RK: Whoopty f***ing doo.
JAYLYNN: Hey, I don't want to do this shit any more than you do, so cool it.
RK: No, you didn't hear me? I said, whoopty f***ing doo. I wouldn't say something like that if I wasn't excited.
SCENE 9
Ike's Ice Cream Emporium
Interior Booth
Seattle, Washington
The guys are at Ike's, drinking milkshakes.
RK: So this is the infamous Ike's, known by many kids in Seattle as the place to get your ice creams and your soda pops.
WADE: Dude, that's not how you use "infamous."
RK: Really? This whole time, I thought I failed my vocabulary test because of a conspiracy!
BUSTER: This is also the place to be if you want the best milkshakes in the city. I bet this is the first time you've ever slurped down one of these, huh, Jaylynn?
JAYLYNN: No, because milkshakes exist in Portland, Buster.
BUSTER: Right, of course they do. Why wouldn't they?
Buster rolls his finger around the side of his forehead to indicate that Jaylynn is insane, but stops when Jaylynn begins looking at him.
WADE: So, Jaylynn, how did you and Sparky meet?
JAYLYNN: Well, my class signed up for the pen pal program and he was the one I got assigned to. We actually had to do it as a project so we could learn more about other cultures.
RK: Wait, so you joined the program for school and you only met somebody that lived three hours away?
JAYLYNN: That's why I got suspended for telling my teacher that the whole thing was dumb as f***. Anyway, I was pretty messed up after my mom died and he helped me get out of a dark place. I don't trust a lot of people, but he's always been really nice to me.
BUSTER: Yeah, Sparky's one hell of a guy. I just wish Halley saw that.
JAYLYNN: Halley? Who's Halley? Is she your sister or something?
WADE: No, just some girl Sparky has a crush on. He really likes her, but he doesn't talk to her.
JAYLYNN: Well, he's never going to get her attention if he keeps ducking her. He has no chance with her.
RK: Tell that to him, see what happens. Might be picking up your teeth when it's all said and done.
JAYLYNN: It's common sense, man. If you really like someone, you should let them know. Or else, you'll wait too long and then when you finally say something, they'll look at you like you're on coke.
BUSTER: Did something like that ever happen to you, Jaylynn?
Beat.
JAYLYNN: This milkshake is live, man.
SCENE 10
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are watching TV together.
JAYLYNN: So, we just came to your place to watch TV?
RK: Look, you have no right to shit on America's favorite pastime. So if you try watching some of the greatest shows known to man, you'll probably think differently.
JAYLYNN: America's favorite pastime is baseball.
RK: The Mariners didn't make the playoffs, Jaylynn. We don't need to talk about it.
JAYLYNN: Wait, what's this? What's it about?
BUSTER: Drake & Josh? You've never watched Drake & Josh before?
JAYLYNN: Apparently, no, since I'm asking.
WADE: Well, Drake & Josh is about two guys that become stepbrothers and every episode, they get into something crazy.
JAYLYNN: Sounds kinda dumb.
RK: Your life is kinda dumb.
WADE: Alright, let's not increase tensions here. Everything's cool.
RK: It better be.
JAYLYNN: Why does Josh repeat words like that? Makes him sound like he's special ed.
RK: It's for emphasis. It's comedy gold.
JAYLYNN: More like comedy fool's gold.
RK gives Wade an annoyed look and then creates a motion with his fingers to simulate killing himself.
SCENE 11
Ken Griffey Jr. Park
Seattle, Washington
That same afternoon, Jaylynn is throwing rocks at the guys while they shield themselves with trash can lids.
BUSTER: RK, if I die, I want you to be LPC's godfather.
RK: No one's gonna die. Jaylynn, why are we playing this stupid game?
JAYLYNN: I need to practice. Rock ball is big in Portland and I need to make sure my throwing arm is sharp.
WADE: And you want to practice at the risk of sending us all to the hospital?
JAYLYNN: I gave you the lids for a reason. Back home, you would just have to pray that you don't get hit in the face or your balls.
BUSTER: I wonder how many people are in a wheelchair because of this game.
WADE: Guys, I'm reaching the end of my rope. Jaylynn's trying to get to us before we get to her.
RK: Don't worry. She's not getting the best of us. It's three against one, this is ridiculous.
RK throws his trash can lid to the side.
RK: Hey, Jaylynn, we've had it up to...
Jaylynn ends up knocking out RK with a rock.
JAYLYNN: Ugh, why did he get rid of the lid? I gave him that for a reason!
Buster and Wade give Jaylynn looks of anger and then chase after her while RK remains unconscious on the ground.
SCENE 12
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is holding an ice pack to his eye while hanging out with Wade and Buster.
RK: I'm glad you guys tried your best to beat Jaylynn's ass.
WADE: No problem. We just didn't know Jaylynn was capable of beating our asses.
BUSTER: This is terrible. Jaylynn's going to kill us, then she'll take Sparky back to Portland and kiss him or something.
WADE: I don't think Jaylynn's attracted to Sparky.
BUSTER: Right now, maybe. But this is all part of her plan.
RK: Buster's right. Jaylynn's only been here for two days and she's already ruined our lives.
WADE: You know what? It's okay. She's only going to be here one more day, then she'll go back home and we won't have to worry about her again.
RK: You're right, Wade. Jaylynn might be the worst person in the world, but all we need to do is hang in there until tomorrow night and we're golden.
Sparky walks in at that point.
SPARKY: Hey guys, big news. First off, Jaylynn told me she's sorry about the whole rock thing.
RK: I would actually believe she said that if she had the guts to tell us that herself.
SPARKY: Well, anyway, it turns out that next week, Jaylynn's school is on break, so she decided to stay here for a little longer.
*whispering to RK* BUSTER: Dude, I have two full containers of Neapolitan ice cream in my freezer. We eat them with no breaks, our stomachs explode, and we never have to see Jaylynn again.
WADE: Sparky, are you sure she wants to spend her school break in Seattle? It's away from her friends, it rains almost every day. We don't even have an NBA team anymore.
SPARKY: Yeah, she told me. So it looks like you guys get more of a chance to hang out. I just wanted to spread the word. Later.
Sparky leaves the house.
RK: So, this is it. This is how we die, at the hands of a nine-year-old girl that doesn't even live here. How could I embarrass my family legacy like this?
WADE: We can't let this go on. What if Jaylynn really likes Seattle? Then she's going to move here, start hanging out with Sparky every day, and he'll forget all about us. We'll just be a bunch of old relics waiting to die.
BUSTER: The ice cream idea is still on the table.
RK: No. I refuse to go out like this. Obviously, trying to treat Jaylynn like shit isn't working. It's time for drastic measures.
WADE: What did you have in mind? Other than killing her?
RK: Alright, Plan B. We turn her against Sparky.
BUSTER: How?
RK: Simple. We just plant the seeds and make it seem like both of them hate each other. They start believing it, they stop talking to each other, and then that's it. Jaylynn's out of the picture for good.
BUSTER: I like the plan, but before we do that, why don't we try and get a new Jaylynn?
WADE: What are you talking about?
BUSTER: I mean, let's get a replacement. It's time to call in the big guns.
Buster takes out his phone and the theme song to the Disney Channel animated series "The Replacements" begins playing in the background. Cut to Conrad Fleem sitting in his Fleemco office when his phone starts ringing.
CONRAD: Hello? Fleemco?
BUSTER: What's going on, Conrad? It's Buster Newman. My best friend's pen pal is a loser and I need a replacement for her.
CONRAD: Oh, we'll get right on that, Mr. Newman.
WADE (V.O.): Buster? Buster?!
Dissolve into the present day, revealing the whole thing to be a fantasy sequence. Wade angrily grabs Buster's phone.
WADE: You never called anyone. You're talking to your contacts!
BUSTER: Oh. Okay, then let's end their friendship.
SCENE 13
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids walk into Sparky's house the next day.
RK: Hey Sparks. What's going on?
SPARKY: Nothing. Just thinking about things.
RK: Ah, thinking. The ancient, perplexing, sometimes delicate art of thought.
SPARKY: Did you eat Mrs. Tuxedo Pants' food again?
RK: Not this time. Actually, me and the guys wanted to talk to you about Jaylynn.
BUSTER: Yes. The Jaylynn talk.
SPARKY: What about Jaylynn? You guys having problems?
RK: No, of course not. Why would we have problems?
SPARKY: Well, I know it seems like I forced you to hang out with her, but that's only because I thought it would be cool if we were all close. To tell you the truth, it's not easy for people to get along with her.
WADE: Why?
SPARKY: She just doesn't rub people the right way. It's hard for her to trust anyone and it kinda scares her to even get close to people. So if you feel like she's pushing you away, I'm sorry.
BUSTER: It's okay, Sparky. Even total weirdos need friends. Who are we to judge?
RK: Yeah, we don't blame you for putting up with her. It probably feels like crap having to hear from her that the girl of your dreams doesn't like you.
SPARKY: What?
RK: Wait, what? You didn't know?
BUSTER: Didn't know what? WADE, WHAT'S HAPPENING?!
Wade gives Buster an annoyed look.
SPARKY: I didn't know how she felt about Halley because we never talked about her.
RK: Really? That's odd. I would think if you two were so close, you would want to tell her about your crush.
SPARKY: No, I never did. I didn't think she would understand. But how did she find out?
RK: Well, her name came up yesterday during our chat and she just didn't see it happening for you. Almost like you were too corny to get a girl.
SPARKY: You're kidding me, right? Please tell me she didn't say that.
BUSTER: Sparky, you have to listen sometimes. She said it.
RK: Right there in living color. Would your best friend lie to you, Sparko? Hell, would I?
SPARKY: Yes, you have. Many times before, including last week!
RK: In this particular instance, would I lie to you?
SPARKY: I guess not. She really said I was too corny to get Halley?
RK: That's what I heard.
WADE: I heard her say you were too white bread and vanilla.
BUSTER: I heard her call you a chicken shit everyman.
SPARKY: What's wrong with being an everyman?
RK: I don't know. I guess Jaylynn just doesn't value good people. I mean, she's a loose cannon, man. Before you know it, she'll want nothing to do with you like everybody else in her life.
SPARKY: She's a dumbass, what does she know about love? She can't even get a boy to pay attention to her because they think she smells like the backside of a toilet!
BUSTER: Does she?
SPARKY: No, she actually smells really nice, but that's not what the boys in Portland think! I can't believe she would say things like that behind my back.
The boys all smile at each other, having completed the first phase of their plan.
SCENE 14
Warwick Seattle
Interior Hotel Room
Seattle, Washington
The boys are now talking to Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: He said I was an antisocial bitch?
RK: Yeah, behind your back and everything. Sorry, Jaylynn, we just felt like you needed to know.
JAYLYNN: Are you kidding me? I put up with his corny ass every day, he invites me to his hometown to meet his friends, and this is what he thinks about me?!
WADE: It's shameful.
BUSTER: Yes. Not shameless in any sense of the word.
RK: You know, I think that he was talking about boys and how you couldn't get one. I think.
JAYLYNN: What does he know about me? I can have any boy I want. I just don't want them.
WADE: That's not what he said. The way he sees it, boys think you smell like the backside of a toilet.
JAYLYNN: Oh, really? That dick has some nerve. Whoever that Halley chick is, she better pray for a miracle because it's gonna take the grace of God to deal with that chump.
The boys once again smile at each other.
SCENE 15
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, the boys are talking to each other near their lockers.
BUSTER: Hey, you guys know how iCarly is ending soon?
WADE: Yeah, it's terrible. It was one of the best shows of our generation.
BUSTER: Well, it looks like the school feels the same way. They're going to put up a statue soon of the show's cast members.
WADE: Really? That's amazing.
BUSTER: I know. We'll become the coolest elementary school in the city.
RK: I wonder if they would ever put up a Victorious statue.
BUSTER: Never, because that show's terrible.
WADE: I wouldn't go that far. It's just been wildly inconsistent since the second season.
A visibly tired Sparky shows up.
RK: What's going on, Sparks?
SPARKY: Don't "what's going on, Sparks" me. This isn't my day.
BUSTER: Really, what happened?
SPARKY: Don't "really, what happened" me. This isn't my day. Okay, now, I have no idea what the hell I'm saying.
WADE: Sparky, just tell us what happened to you.
SPARKY: Jaylynn and I aren't pen pals anymore.
RK: You're kidding me. That's terrible.
BUSTER: I didn't see this coming at all.
WADE: Neither did I.
SPARKY: Yeah, we had a really nasty fight last night. We both said some mean things to each other and then we just decided to never speak again.
RK: What were the highlights?
SPARKY: Well, she said we were never friends, just acquaintances. And I told her that if she tried having a better personality, maybe I wouldn't be the only person that can stand her.
BUSTER: Wow, it sounds like you guys really gave it to each other.
SPARKY: Yeah. I just can't believe how quickly things change. Last week, I was psyched to meet her for the first time and now, we hate each other.
WADE: Wait, hang on a minute. This was the first time you two were meeting in person?
SPARKY: Yeah.
WADE: So why did you spend all this time trying to get us to meet her?
SPARKY: Because I liked her a lot and I wanted you guys to like her too. Besides, I didn't want you to feel left out if I hung out with her all weekend.
RK: Damn, Sparky. We're sorry this happened to you. You didn't deserve this.
BUSTER: Yeah, is there anything we can do?
SPARKY: No, you did enough. Thanks to you, I saw Jaylynn's true colors. I always thought we were real friends, but I guess I was wrong.
Sparky shrugs and walks away from the guys.
WADE: We're evil. We're pure, one hundred percent, grade-A demonic.
BUSTER: You know, even if Jaylynn sucks, she meant a lot to Sparky. We didn't have the right to take her away from him.
RK: I'm not disagreeing with you guys, but you heard what he said. When the shit hit the fan, Jaylynn exposed herself. We had nothing to do with that, that was all her.
Buster and Wade give RK angry looks.
RK: I know, this is the part where we have to fix it. DAMMIT!
SCENE 16
Warwick Seattle
Interior Hotel Room
Seattle, Washington
Once again, the boys are confronting Jaylynn.
JAYLYNN: I'm starting to get tired of seeing you guys all the time.
RK: Look, Jaylynn, you and Sparky need to settle things. You two were so close, how could you stop being his pen pal?
JAYLYNN: By telling him that I didn't want to be his pen pal.
BUSTER: Wow, either she's being sarcastic or she's slower than I thought.
WADE: But Sparky's a wreck without you. It's almost like he's lost a family member.
JAYLYNN: Really? Was he crying or something?
WADE: No tears, but he was still pretty shook up.
RK: Yeah. I could almost imagine him writing a song about what your friendship meant to him.
JAYLYNN: Well, that's fine, I guess, but he showed me who he was yesterday. He's just another person I have to cut off.
BUSTER: Jaylynn, I know it's hard for you to make friends because you scare kids, but you need to give Sparky another chance. He's the best friend you could ever have in your life.
RK: Yeah, he's one of the good guys. Besides, who's to say that this whole thing is his fault?
JAYLYNN: What do you mean?
RK: I mean, what if someone really didn't like your character and wanted you out of the picture, then they saw how much Sparky liked hanging out with you so they felt like crap?
JAYLYNN: Could you stop speaking in code and just spit it out?
BUSTER: We turned you and Sparky against each other! We made shit up to get you two angry! Do you get it now? Do you want us to draw you the whole thing on a whiteboard?!
JAYLYNN: You assholes, how could you do something like that?
BUSTER: Oh, thank God you caught it.
RK: Jaylynn, you don't get it. Sparky's been our friend for a long time. He's the leader of our gang, he always helps us out whenever we need him. We didn't want you to steal him away from us.
JAYLYNN: Steal him away? Seriously, do you guys have a boy crush I should know about?
RK: No! We're not gay! We're trying to talk about our feelings!
JAYLYNN: Oh, okay. I'm not gay either, if you think that was the reason I asked.
RK: I don't, and this whole thing is starting to make me extremely uncomfortable.
WADE: Jaylynn, Sparky talked about you so much like you were the coolest person he ever met. I guess we didn't want to give you a chance because we were afraid of what would happen to our friendship.
JAYLYNN: You guys really thought treating me like a human being would end up leading to Sparky not wanting to hang out with you anymore?
BUSTER: It made more sense a few days ago.
JAYLYNN: Guys, Sparky always brings you up to me. He talks about how great you are all the time. How great a friend Buster is, how funny RK is, how smart Wade is. I always told him to quiet down about you because I could never compare to three people.
RK: Really?
JAYLYNN: Yeah. Honestly, I don't think I gave you guys a chance either. I just hate when people compare me to others. It's like they're trying to turn me into someone I can't be.
BUSTER: We get it, Jaylynn. It's like when people compare me to SpongeBob. That's a lot of pressure for me. I could never be as funny as he is.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, let's just pretend you said something else.
SCENE 17
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later that day, the boys are watching TV.
BUSTER: You know, I still don't understand something.
WADE: There are a lot of things you don't understand.
BUSTER: I know, but I'm talking about one thing. I just don't understand how Sparky and Jaylynn became friends. They seem like two completely different people.
RK: Hey, there are some things that will never be understood. But we don't have to hang out with Jaylynn. As long as she makes Sparky happy, it doesn't matter.
WADE: Yeah. If that's the way things have to be, then let them be what they be.
BUSTER: It's "let them be what they are." Proper English is the first step to getting a college degree, Wade.
Sparky walks in at that point.
RK: Look, we know you're mad at us and we don't blame you, but we're sorry for what we did. We just didn't want to lose you.
SPARKY: Well, I was mad before, but now, I'm okay. If you guys didn't like Jaylynn, you could have just told me.
WADE: It didn't feel appropriate. You really wanted us to like her.
SPARKY: I know, but I can't force people to get along. If I hadn't pushed so hard, maybe it would have been easier for you guys to be around Jaylynn, and vice versa.
BUSTER: So what now?
SPARKY: Everything's cool and we're pen pals again. We said sorry for all the things we said to each other, and I might even go see her in Portland by the end of the year.
RK: Sounds real decent, man.
SPARKY: Thanks. And don't worry. Nothing is going to change between us. We're still a group of four and we'll always be a group of four.
BUSTER: That's what we wanted to hear.
SPARKY: Bring it in, fellas.
At that point, the boys get off the couch and join Sparky for a group hug while sentimental, 1980s sitcom-style music plays in the background.
JAYLYNN (V.O.): Wait, what? You guys really hugged?
Cut back to the present day.
SPARKY: Yeah, of course we did.
JAYLYNN: You say that like you did it every day.
RK: Well, we used to hug each other all the time, then it started getting cheesy, so we switched to doing recaps.
JAYLYNN: Of course. Was that when I joined the group?
WADE: I think it started right before you joined.
BUSTER: This was fun. I didn't even remember how much we hated each other.
JAYLYNN: Kinda seems like it took a while for us to like each other.
RK: Yeah, like a slow burn thing.
JAYLYNN: Exactly.
SPARKY: Wait, hang on a minute. I remember right before you went back home, you winked at the guys. It was like a symbol. You were saying, "I may not love you, but I'll learn to like you."
Beat.
JAYLYNN: I never winked at anyone.
RK: Yeah, I don't remember that either.
BUSTER: Sparky, are you trying to tell us something?
SPARKY: Yeah, I'm trying to tell you guys about these great moments in our lives!
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Hey Wade, if you didn't like me in the beginning, when did you start having feelings for me?
WADE: Where are you guys getting these weird memories from?
Cut to black.
("Full Clip" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS