Heya dudes and dudettes and welcome to my piss take of Sonic 06. A lot of the humour's gonna be cheeky and I have tweaked some events because they were stupid. Characters are also a little OOC. Have fun reading!
We're gonna start with Sonic's story first!
Trials of Soleanna
Via TwiddledSpire
Chapter 1: Awesomesauce the Hedgehog
Sonic (being Sonic) decided to go on his usual exploring to look for adventure. Blitzing past green hills and mystic caves he found his way to Station Square back at the Emerald Hotel, feeling somewhat disappointed that he couldn't find someplace of interest. Oh well – at least the run had been kinda funny, he ran so fast near a civilian they fell off a bridge and into the river below, but it totally hadn't been his fault – that guy had been trying to commit suicide anyways and now he wasn't so quick to throw his life away.
Spending a grand total of four minutes at the hotel he found a park to relax in, many people cheering and waving at him for the cool guy he was. It occurred to him that Tails' birthday was coming around soon, though he couldn't remember just how old the midget was – maybe if his voice broke it'd give him a clue.
A particularly annoying gust of cold wind hit him and a newspaper slapped his spiky head and compromised his vision. With a small grunt of irritation he pulled it off and read the headline:
FESTIVAL OF THE SUN AT SOLEANNA!
It's known every four years the Festival of the Sun is held at Soleanna – the City of Water, and with the lovely Princess Sally – er Elise, is said to be of age to start the festival. This city is known to attract tens upon thousands of tourists every year to attend the Festival. In fact figures show…
'Blah blah blah, percentages, numbers…where's Tails when you need him?' Sonic wondered as he skimmed past the boring parts and read more about this supposedly awesome festival and how he had never heard of it before, though to be fair, this 'Soleanna' didn't seem to be a part of the United Federation which he'd become accustomed to, nor under the protection of GUN. In fact this place seemed to be on another continent not far from a city called Spagonia…the art capital of the world (or so Amy said).
Well he figured he may as well go see what this festival had to offer, it wasn't like he had anything else to do, he had done his laundry of clean socks, had a bite to eat and had his quills trimmed – damned things got too heavy for his head sometimes…
He bolted to Tails' workshop to drop off a note saying to meet him at Soleanna to celebrate his birthday there, left a copy of a map he'd taken from a travel agency back at the city and ran across the ocean, waving to cruise ships and the tourists who watched him in amazement as he ran by casually with the map in his face and manoeuvring with no effort.
Judging by the distance… 'I should make it there by evening, just an hour before it begins…'
*In Soleanna*
And so he had.
So Eggman in all his fat glory had just finished looking up new interesting and dangerous ways to either enslave, drown, or blow up the moon and/or Earth on or wherever he hears about this crazy stuff, and had set out to his next place to cause destruction. Eggman also looks confused as to where this voice is coming from, but goes back to doing last minute checks on his Egg Carrier so he was ready to capture this Princess chick.
Skipping forward to two days or so later and Eggman still not being able to find this voice, he had arrived in Soleanna where the Festival of the Sun was being held. Apparently the citizens of Soleanna worshipped a sun god by the name of Solaris, and the key to harnessing this great power was the Princess.
If she so much as shed a tear when she broke a nail then the sun god would unleash its fury and destroy everything in existence. But that, being a legend and all (because something as stupid as that couldn't possibly be true) was not his concern. He would capture this Princess and find a way to extract the power from her so he could harness it for himself and rule the world.
It didn't take long for him to find where the festival was, as the city was bustling with activity in the late evening and the warm lights of lanterns and fireworks provided a spectacular sight, many enamoured with its beauty within the centre of the city. He figured he'd at least give them a chance to light their altar then blow them all up, allow them one moment of happiness. The city seemed to sit on the water itself, with many small boats bobbing gently on the edges so that the bigger and more important one would have enough space to glide to the Altar of Light.
The water rippled as a beautiful ship sailed out from under a bridge and the noise of the crowd reached an incredible intensity as the girl who would fuck things up waved happily to her people, giggling in all her girlish glory and enjoyed the buzzing atmosphere.
She had been looking forward to this all her life. This was the first time she was allowed to do the lighting of the flames, previously being thought as being too young to handle the weight of something so significant, despite her ancestors having done so since they reached puberty. It was because of her advisors that she had been held back and now being a reasonably mature 17 year old girl, it was time for her to start to take action by being a part of the traditional rituals.
Her boat came to a stop at a large island with six or so arms reaching out the centre and stepped off to find three men waiting for her atop an altar. As she reached there she found herself giggling a little too much and felt dazed by everything around her. When she was handed a brick – oh that was a torch (she had wondered why it was hot) she looked into it and the drugs she had taken earlier really began to take a toll on her as she saw massive balls of flame rushing towards the altar and engulfing her city in fire.
'It's like, so pretty.'
Yes Elise, yes it is.
Elise was too high to take notice of a giant beast hidden within the flames and somehow the bishops managed to light the altar without the crowd noticing their princess was acting a little weird.
No matter, because the crowd did notice the missiles heading straight for their beloved spoiled brat and erupted in screams of terror. Now we're never quite certain as to why Mr IQ of over 300 fired missiles at the girl he was trying to capture, since he was amazingly lucky none of them hit her, and if that wasn't miraculous enough, sending his heavy robots to drop from Solaris knows how high off his Egg Carrier that might accidentally land on top of the princess (and thus, kill her, and thus thus – would be a complete waste of his time) but we do know that Eggman's outfit makes him look like a fat cow. And now onto the action:
"A pleasure to meet you at last, Princess of Soleanna." The floating fat man glided down from his Egg-o-matic and bowed like the gentleman he was before introducing himself, even though there was no need as anyone who didn't live under a rock in Sonic's planet would recognise this man. "I am Doctor Eggman. I've come here to obtain the secret of the Flames of Disaster from you. And to take the miracle gems that are the key to its secret…the Chaos Emerald!"
Eggman was well aware that the emeralds scattered all over the world after being used, but for one to be in the place of the princess he was going to kidnap? It was like killing two birds with one stone.
The doctor bowed, "Now Princess, this way please."
Like hell she was going on board some floating machine with some creepy ass bald guy and his giant talking moustache. Even if she was a whore! Well she wasn't really a whore because none of the bishops wanted to bed her anyway, so she was really just a virgin that fantasised about being a whore.
"No means no!" She yelled, then promptly slipped off her high heels and threw them at the creepy bald guy – they hit him on the head and she did a little jig to celebrate. The Doctor simply raised a naked eyebrow at the weird girl. Elise cocked her pale head to a side and stared at Eggman in astonishment, "A-Are you Santa Claus?"
Eggman was quite certain the girl was retarded and forced a somewhat weak smile on his lips. "Um, yes… yes I am. I have cookies and presents aboard, if you'd like?"
Elise perked up and shrieked in excitement, "Like, okay!"
As she took a step forward a gust of wind pulled her attention to the left, which then went behind her and to the right, it was like she was steadily being pulled apart by the wind which encircled the whole altar at warp supersonic speeds. It came to a stop on a pillar just above her and she saw what looked like some hedgehog, however her mind was still jacked up from her drug and she thought she saw a giant marijuana leaf on its head. Where had she seen that leaf before?
"My…that's a pretty snazzy performance there." An amused voice came. Clad in his trademark white gloves, socks, red sneakers and blue quills of awesomesauce, stood Silver the Hedgehog. Wait what?
Elise gasped, "You…it can't be!"
Don't worry Elise, it wasn't. For the white hedgehog you saw before you was none other Sonic the Hedgehog.
With his nike grin of cockiness, Sonic leapt like a billion feet in the air, rolled and dived onto the nearest unlucky piece of soon-to-be scrap metal – then like a fuse of rocket that was ready to go, he kicked ass fast, and put on a show by decimating every robot on the altar. He was even playful enough to tap one with his foot off the edge of the altar and skidded to a halt in front of Princess Sally – er Elise, with a smug smirk and lifted her into his thin arms and large hands.
"I'm Sonic. Sonic the Hedgehog!"
Eggman threw a fit like only an Eggman knew how (by flailing his arms like a broken windmill). "Not that irritating hedgehog again!" He then proceeded to throw his incredibly long arm back and hit a robot behind (knocking it off the altar too), then thrust it forward in his most dramatic finger point to date: "Attack!"
Launching a grand total of like – ten missiles, Sonic ran like the fast fucker he was down the city to a reasonably safe location, the chili-dog stand. Unaware that a white hedgehog by the name of Silver the Pothead was clenching his fist in his most dramatic fashion.
"I've finally found him…the Iblis Trigger."
*One loading screen later…*
After stopping to quickly chew a chili-dog Sonic picked Elise up and ran her to wherever he was taking her to. Elise found it weird that Sonic's head seemed to be a mixture of peach skin, blue fur at the front of his head and then his large blue quills being made of smaller, finer ones. 'Weird as hell'. She thought.
She decided to ask why exactly Sonic was helping her, who simply chuckled a, "No special reason." Before she could ask any more questions, like if his feet were blue – a couple of metal heads dropped from the tops of a building to block their path, Sonic made quick work of them and made the fatal mistake of turning his back for a just a second. When he heard a scream he turned round and found Sally – er Elise, in the uncomfortable clutches of Eggman's machine.
"I'm afraid our little game ends now."
"Sonic help me!" Elise screamed when Sonic seemed to be doing nothing to help her.
Sonic frowned. "I can't, he's got dibs or something. You don't steal what's been dibbed, that's just not how it works."
Eggman nodded in acknowledgement of these rules that had magically come to formation. "Indeed Miss Elise, Sonic knows how it's done."
"What the hell?! Sonic save me!"
Sonic just shook his head forlornly then raised an eyebrow when Elise seemed to think of something, "Wait! Wait! What if the object of the dibber declared fair game so anyone could just take it and steal it back? That would work right?!"
Eggman and Sonic exchanged unsure glances; the blue blur rubbed his round chin, "I don't know, that sounds awfully convenient…"
"Yes, this way seems less complicated. But hear this Sonic; I will give you a chance to take the Princess back if you can catch me on board my Egg Carrier over Wave Ocean."
The hedgehog seemed confused. "Where's that?" Eggman just gave a vague wave of his hand in the direction and took Elise with him back to his floating ship of majesty, leaving Sonic on the city watching him fly away. Then again, how hard could it be to chase a giant floating ship?
*The Next Day*
Because Sonic was too lazy to chase after the ship now he waited until round about lunchtime the next day until he decided it was time to get his blue butt into gear and hunt down Eggman. After helping out some dude with his new shoes and buying a new and improved light speed dash chip that fit into his new shoe imported from Future City, Sonic ran into Tails who had bought candy mints from a store nearby.
"So I hear Eggman got away with the Princess? Bummer." Tails popped a mint into his mouth and offered one to Sonic as they sat on a bench under a tree for some shade and watched people do boring human stuff in the town.
"Yup but I know where he's headed, some place called Wave Ocean. He even said he'd give me a chance to get her back, so it's all good."
Tails wrinkled his brow at his best friend. "You know, I did fly here by the Tornado…we could just follow him in the plane."
This seemed to make too much sense for Sonic, who just shook his head and frowned. "No, 'cause then I couldn't go for my morning run and test out my new light speed dash."
The twin tailed fox seemed sceptical, "You do know it's probably the exact same chip charged at a higher price, right?" As much as he enjoyed bantering with Sonic they really needed to get the Princess back, even if it was his birthday and wanted to relax, and maybe tinker around his gadgets. But nooooooo.
Sonic seemed adamant about getting his morning run and Tails just wanted to smack him with one of his tails, or both. They then made an agreement that Sonic run off to Wave Ocean for his morning run while Tails waste time getting the Tornado and flying it over to Wave Ocean to then pick Sonic up, and then – and only then, could they go save the Princess.
When Tails caught up to Sonic who had been on the verge of being molested by an orca, it turned out that Sonic had found a feather, deeming it to have significant importance. The Tornado was steered in the direction of some seriously ancient ruins, locally known as Dusty Desert or as Sonic now called it, Kitty Litter Zone. The two found a place to land and set about finding out where Elise was being held.
*Elise's Flashback*
You're a good girl, Elise. Remember, be brave. Don't cry, no matter what happens.
'Oh god my head…' Elise felt like Sonic had spin dashed inside her head up, down and all around. As a result, she was slumped against a pillar of stone and sand, her head throbbing in pain and hanging limply. She looked up when a noise was heard to her left, or was that right? And found a pair of red sneakers, white socks, gloves and emerald eyes watching her with a grin, his two tailed fox friend waved from behind with a cute grin of his own.
"How's it going?" Sonic smiled.
Elise felt relieved at the sight of the short speedster. "How did you find me?"
Sonic just wiggled his eyebrows in a cocky manner, "The hedgehog knows."
Tails and Elise scoffed as Sonic laughed and helped her stand up, she seemed a little shaky but it was nothing to cry over. "Anyways, are you okay? Nothing broken—" he was interrupted when Elise threw her arms around him and was pricked by a stray spine. "My bad." He said.
"I'm just surprised you found me so quickly. This place is pretty far from Soleanna. Who's your friend?"
"I'm Tails, Sonic's best friend and brain." He laughed when Sonic playfully punched him, "Let's get outta here."
"Um guys…?" Elise started.
Behind the rusty black bars holding her in was a massive mechanical dog, or was that a unicorn? and Dr Eggman. He walked leisurely into the room as Sonic and Tails took defensive stances to protect Elise. "It looks like a pesky rat has stuck its nose where it doesn't belong. Well, a hedgehog to be more precise…" He walked a little closer and pointed at the auburn haired girl, "This Princess is mine until I unlock the secret of the Flames of Disaster!"
"The secret is wood, genius." muttered Tails. 'IQ of 300 my twin tailed butt…'
"Let's take this outside Egghead." Not waiting for Eggman to respond Sonic grabbed Elise and jumped out the wall he smashed through earlier with Tails hot on his heels, Eggman following in his giant unicorn thing.
Boss Fight: EGG-CERBERUS
Once outside Eggman managed to corner them in a giant ring of sorts, Sonic had Tails guard Elise and take her back to the Tornado while he held off Eggman and his unicorn.
Within the stadium were various pillars on the ground and rubble, as well as statues built into the massive walls. But there was no time to observe his temporary playground; he had an egg to crack.
Eggman's latest and greatest creation was in his trademark colours of black and red, and judging from the build of the robot, it was some kind of mechanical dog with a lance poking out its head meaning that it could be a rhino or unicorn.
Perhaps he could use the pillars on the ground to stun the robot…thing and find a weak point, the only problem was that the robot was pretty damn big and the blue blur wouldn't be able to just slam into its head—
"Woah! Chaos that's fast!" Sonic yelped as he threw himself to one side as the robot charged after him, it had some crazy fast acceleration and he span himself as far as he could to the other side so he would have enough time to dodge and form a plan of attack. Sonic noticed the robot reaaallly had to skid in order to stop and turn around, and there it was: the tail. How stupid could Eggman get?
It was doubtful he could make it to the other side of the stadium in time to run up the tail and hit the head, and there was no way he was going to chance running between those mechanical legs. He'd have to wait for Eggman to charge at him again. The best way was just to rile the doc up.
"So Egghead I'm kinda confused about your lame robot? Is it supposed to be a unicorn? Gotta tell ya, I think you're a little old to be building machines based on mythical creatures."
An outraged cry came from the mad doctor, "It's a dog – I call it the Egg-Cerberus!"
"I call it Laaaamme. I don't know much about—WOAH!" Sonic was cut off as Mr Moustache ran at him again, and thankfully missed. "Whew! As I was saying; Didn't Cerberus have three heads? Don't you do your research?"
The hedgehog circled round the robots back and slid up its tail which had a rail on its back for whatever reason, by grinding a little in his flat shoes (which doesn't make much sense) he was able to lunge forward to grab onto the horn of the head. Eggman's response was to run around like a lunatic and try to shake him off while Sonic was able to steer the doctor right into a statue and jump off at the last second available so he didn't hit the wall.
The stadium shuddered and a wall collapsed as a resounding crunch bent the steel of the robot inwards. Seething, the 'Egg-Cerberus' leaped into the air to the centre – where Sonic happened to be.
"Oh snap—"
*Meanwhile in Kitty Litter Zone*
"Tails, are you sure Sonic will be alright?" Elise was strapped into the second seat of Tails' newly improved bi-plane and looked nervously back at the coliseum when a crunch was heard from at least a mile around, and a wall collapsed.
"Of course he'll be fine. He's Sonic; didn't you see him save Station Square and the world from Eggman before?" Elise was surprised at just how confident Tails seemed to be in his friend; no she had never heard of Sonic or his adventures before. She lived in a castle where she wasn't informed of anything and wasn't told anything other than to never cry, her advisors seemed to think she was fragile and incapable of running her kingdom like her father.
"No…He's very brave though. I take it he and the doctor have met before?"
The orange fox laughed and did a couple of checks before he could bring his baby up into the sky. "Yeah, Sonic beats him like twelve times a year, it's like it's his job or something."
"And Eggman wants to take control of the world?"
A cheerful "Yup." was her reply. She sighed and leaned back, how was it that Sonic and Tails were able to be so calm and confident in so many dangerous situations? It was like they didn't care for the danger they were in, like they weren't actually aware they could die. Maybe they just thought they were invincible.
Elise was shaken from her thoughts when a loud explosion came from behind her and a blur buzzed by her to skid to a stop then jump on the wing of the plane. Some dust and sand were in his blue fur and spikes but Sonic didn't seem to care.
"Tails, we need to jet, there's some robots tailing us. How about we get out of here?"
"Sure thing, everything's ready. Hold on tight guys!" The plane began picking up speed and Elise gripped on tightly to whatever she could and closed her eyes as it bumped a little…then they were in the air, climbing the sky higher and higher. Steadily she opened them when she heard Sonic and Tails nonchalantly talking.
"So what was the deal with Eggman's robot?"
Green eyes rolled at his arch enemy's stupidity and sat down on the wing of the plane, even leaning back and relaxing. "The dude's missing a screw or something. Says it's called the 'Egg-Cerberus'."
Tails blinked and processed this. "But…it had one head."
"That's what I said to him!"
That's what I said to him too Sonic, but alas Eggman could not find the source of my voice.
"Did you guys hear something?" Sonic rubbed the inside of his ear with his gloved pinkie in bemusement.
Next time: We meet the one…the only…White the Pothead!
White the Pothead: That's Silver the Hedgehog!
Twiddled: You keep telling yourself that lol.
Next time:
"Time for you to disappear, Iblis Trigger!"
"What? I don't have triggers; you should talk to Shadow about that."
"Talk to my shadow? Is that a joke?"
"No seriously, there's this hedgehog called Shadow."
There really is Silver.
"Who said that?!"