Chapter One- Always lock your doors, damnit!
It was a peaceful day at the Renegade base in Sylvarant. It was very... empty. Yes, very, very empty. In fact, the only person there was Yuan. Because he had no life. Loser, let's laugh at him. Ha ha.
... Now, you may be wondering why the hell one of the two Renegade bases would have NO personnel whatsoever. Or you could be wondering what 22 is. Or maybe you're wondering what to have for supper... But ANYWAYS... The reason is simple. Random Renegade #31691 turned 21 today, so they all went out boozin'.
Except for Yuan. Loser. Ha ha.
... Yeeeeeah. Moving on, Yuan was alone in the Renegade base. He was very hungry, but unfortunately for him... he was the ultima supreme ruler of the Renegades (and a somethin' somethin' Seraphim in Cruxis.... But who cares about that?!) so he'd never had to fend for himself. He was completely helpless... even within HIS OWN HOME.
So, Yuan had NO clue whatsoever where the food was, and did not want to spend five hours of his time searching for the bloody 'You are Here' sign that Botta had suggested he put up. Martel knows how long it would take to find the kitchen from there.
"... Now... in this situation.... what would Lord Yggdrasill do?" Yuan thought to himself- because it would be very silly to talk when no one's around. He paused for a second to remember his adventures with young Mithos, Kratos, and Martel.
-Flashback-
"... Well. Thanks to you, YUAN... we're out of food," Kratos said, glaring at the blue-haired imp.
"I told you, already! The old man said he'd tell us where to find the Armor of Invincibility if I gave him all our food!" Yuan whined.
"Damn that old man..." Mithos muttered. "So... what do we do now?" Martel glanced up from her Tales of Symphonia Strategy Guide.
"... Hmm.... Yuaaaaaaan..." Martel said, in a babying voice. "What do we do when we're out of food?..."
"... We ask Mithos for it!"
"... I don't have any food, Yuan," the blonde midget said with the patience of a saint. Yuan had a confused look on his face for a few second until...
"We ask Kratos for it!" he said, delighted.
"... I don't have any either," Kratos said, proving that he's ALWAYS been that quiet. Yuan paused, thinking.
"Come on, Yuan.... Come on, you know this... When we're out of food we go to the...?"
-End Flashback-
"THE GROCERY STORE!" Yuan declared, standing up on top of his desk. He crawled slowly off the desk and dusted off his showy armor that doesn't really add to his DEF stat. He looked over to his desk and brushed aside his Hello Kitty stationary and pulled out his Renegade Memo pad.
He scribbled a quick note for his comrades and headed out. He posted the note on the door.
'DEAR RENEGADES-
I AM OUT GROCERY SHOPPING IN TRIET. I HOPEFULLY WON'T BE GONE FOR MORE THAN THREE DAYS. ON THE FIFTH DAY, SEND BOTTA OUT AND TELL HIM I WANT MY TEDDY BEAR, DAMNIT.
-HUGS AND KISSES,
YUAN
P.S.: IF YOU ARE NOT A RENEGADE, PLEASE GO AWAY AND DO NOT ENTER THE TOP SECRET RENEGADE BASE. (THAT MEANS YOU, LLOYD!)'
And finally, with a dramatic swirl of the cape- Yuan was off on his way.
And wouldn't you know? No more than five minutes after Yuan had left, a certain suspender-wearing brown-haired hero showed up at his door. Along with his posse.
"Why are we here?" Genis asked, looking over to Lloyd.
"I told you already..." Lloyd said. "We're gonna bother YUAN!"
The rest of the party sighed before Kratos asked,
"Is it just me or does this seem more pointless than usual?"
"It's just you..." Everyone else in the gang answered quickly. Kratos sighed deeply. Lloyd ran up to the door but instead of busting the door open using a self damaging drop kick he stopped and examined the note. He pulled the large note off the door and read it.
"Hugs and Kisses?" He said surprising loud right before he burst out laughing. Everyone just stared blankly and rather confused. All wondered what was on the note (besides hugs and Kisses) that could make Lloyd laugh so hard... Even though they all knew how easily amused he was.
"What's so funny Lloyd?" Sheena asked, bluntly. Everyone else wondering the same thing.
"OH... oh..." Lloyd gasped wiping a tear from his eye. "Oh... Its Nothing! Nothing!" Lloyd said putting the note behind his back.
"And the Note?" Raine asked.
"It... Just says Yuan is out for the moment and for us to just let ourselves in!" Lloyd answered quickly.
"And help ourselves to anything in his fridge?" Zelos asked. Somehow being there at the same time as Kratos and Mithos. MARTEL knows why there both there at the same time.... but she wont tell us... stuck up goddess...
"Well, Let's not waste his hospitality!" Colette said, all COLETTE like. Lloyd nodded with his usual smirk before looking over to Kratos.
"What, Lloyd?" He asked looking over.
"Come on..." Lloyd said with a larger smirk.
"What!?"
"You know you want to!"
"For the last time- I do not have such incestuous thoughts!"
"... not.... THAT!" Lloyd exclaimed, looking a mixed shade of red and green.
"Oh... What then?"
Lloyd looked over at the door then, back to Kratos, then to the door once more, then to Kratos again. And smiled and nodded repetitively. Kratos paused then nodded finally understanding.
The next moment Lloyd and Kratos could be seen hitting the front door with the patented Irving (well technically the AURION but whatever) drop kick. With so much force the hinges came off and the door flew and hit the next door, knocking its hinges off. Kratos and Lloyd both pulled themselves up from the floor yelping in pain.
"Wow... they managed to damage themselves over a thousand damage each in that stunt..." Raine said, knowing they would both come crying to her in a minute.
"You think they're hurt... Just think of the poor door..." Genis mumbled.
"Really... Look there even disappearing into the ground..." Presea pointed out.
"Just like Bosses!" Colette said happily.
The group all went inside, they searched about for any sign of Renegade life- but there was none. No Renegades playing table tennis, no Renegades in the built in spa, no Renegades at the casino, no Renegades crash-testing rheairds... And Lloyd was starting to wonder how the hell Yuan could incorporate a table tennis table, a spa, and a CASINO into his top-secret military organization. Then he wondered... what did incorporate mean?
At the end of the search, there were no Renegades to be found. But now, also, there was one missing Kratos.
"Where'd Kratos go?" Lloyd asked, oblivious he had left right after the Patented Irving/Aurion Self Damaging Drop kick.
"Dang, guess we'll have to get a new one." Zelos said, coolly.
"We can't get a new Kratos!" Lloyd argued.
"Of course you can! All you have to do is go find some random stranger who kind of looks like him, give him a 500 dollar hair cut, get some him some different cloths, a sword, a bad attitude, and BAM! New Kratos!" Zelos said, smiling unaware that Kratos stood behind him.
"What about being able to use magic? Or have wings?" Colette asked.
"Oh well, Guess you'll just have to keep me as the magic swordsman then" He said snickering before getting smacked over the head with a Herbal Essence Bottle (Blatant advertisement!).
"YAY! Kratos is back!" Colette yelled.
"Thank goddess, I'd rather have my Dad then some random guy people pair me with in yaoi fanfictions." Lloyd said, with a sigh of relief.
"Actually... Lloyd..." Regal (finally appearing in this fanfiction!) said, approaching Lloyd. He followed this up by whispering, you can only guess, in his ear.
"OMG! They do WHAT!? WITH WHO!?" Lloyd screamed, turning completely green this time. Regal just nodded. Lloyd wondering how Regal knew this.
"Kratos, where were you?" Raine asked, taking the tension away.
"I...was..." Kratos began to say. He would have said it all then if everyone wasn't staring at him. "... Stealing shampoo from the bathroom."
"WHAT!?" Everyone asked.
"What? He's got Herbal Essences!" He said, holding up a shampoo bottle. They all just stared. "and all these cool little soaps!" Holds little soap. "This ones shaped like a Half-Elf!" as Kratos continued his rant that would later be known as 'The great Kratos soap rant' the others thought of what to do next.
"I think we should just leave..." Presea said, logically.
"But we can't just leave Kratos!" Lloyd insisted.
"Sure we can!" Zelos interrupted. "You've already got a top class MAGIC swordsman..."
"... We're not leaving Kratos for him," Sheena agreed.
"So we'll have to either drag him around by some sort of leash, or wait until he finishes," Raine concluded.
"So what do we do until he's done?" Lloyd asked.
"Well... we're completely alone in the home of a guy we don't exactly want to smother with our love, there's tons of food in the fridge, a pantry full of party items, spray paint, a built in spa and casino- evidently- a big computer, Yuan's ROOM, his rollodex with the numbers of all his friends and a caterer, and his diary..." Genis concluded. Everyone instantly knew what to do.
"Well, I suppose we should go!" Colette said with a smile. Because she was too nice to understand the sinister plotting at hand, Martel bless her. Okay. Maybe not everyone got it. The others paused, and then, as if commanded by alien force, screamed at the same time:
"PARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"