This is not exactly happy. It's not sad, but it's not happy. It's been a rough couple days and I think it shows.
For Erin- I miss you. Cancer sucks. Happy Birthday.
I own nothing.
Note 1: Just pretend Addison and Alex got married after Izzie left him.
Note 2: I left out a lot of the specifics of the cancer, mostly because I'm too lazy to do research.
Note 3: The title is a Regina Spektor song.
Coldness.
Absolute numbness.
Cold and numb. That is all she feels.
So this is what that sudden deafness, that tunnel vision that some patients talk about after a diagnosis, this is what that feels like.
When Bailey had returned to the room with her most carefully neutral face on, Addison had known something was wrong. And when Bailey had tried to smile encouragingly, a ghastly attempt that turned into a grimace, Addison had braced herself for the bad news. It wasn't enough. When Bailey had announced non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, Addison had fought valiantly against it but let out a strangled little cry and stepped backwards. Alex had braced her. They've only been married a few months; nobody is supposed to be bracing anybody.
She can hear Bailey talking, explaining, apologizing, encouraging, and she understands absolutely none of it. Alex is gripping her hand, hard enough that she should probably be in pain, probably be trying to remove her hand from his deathlike grip. But she's not. All she can do is shiver.
Statistics and treatment options swirl through her head. Only about a 60% five year survival rate. But they caught it early, so maybe… Chemo, radiation. Stem cell therapy if things don't get better. She'll lose her hair. A wig maybe? Or would Alex think that was weird? Will he even stick around long enough to care?
Bailey is talking to her and clearly expecting an answer. Addison shakes off the thoughts but she can feel them pushing hard at the sides of the box she shoved them into. "I'm sorry, what?"
"I was wondering how you're feeling about the whole thing," Bailey repeats.
"Overwhelmed," Addison answers honestly. "And tired, but that's nothing new."
"I'll leave you two to talk," Bailey says, noting the distinctly angry look settling onto Alex's face. "But I'll be back. We really should start talking about treatments."
As she leaves, Addison turns to her husband and notices the exact same thing that Bailey did. "Alex?"
"What?" he asks gruffly.
"You're hurting my hand," she informs him, not because he is but because she has no idea what to say.
"Sorry!" He drops her hand like it's on fire. The hand that was holding hers rises to his face swiftly and brushes over his eyes.
And that's when she notices the tears. And that's when she gets mad. Not at him, not at Bailey, not even at the situation. No, she gets mad at herself, at her body. Her body which is betraying her, which is—even worse—betraying Alex. They've been happy. Blissfully happy. Now she's the second woman he's married who's gotten cancer. Two for two. "Are you okay?" she asks quietly.
"Shouldn't I be asking you that?"
"I'm more curious about you."
"I'm fine."
"I can tell when you're lying, you know."
"I'm fine, Addison."
"Alex-"
"No, Addison! No, I am not okay! I am not okay because for the second time, the woman I love has cancer and there's not a damn thing I can do about it! So no, I am not okay and I'm not going to be okay until your cancer is in remission. I am not okay. Happy? I'm not okay."
"Okay," she whispers. "Are we okay?"
"Fine," he says. It's unconvincing at best.
"We're not okay, are we?"
His eyes take on a caged quality and he gets up from where they're sitting. "I-I should go."
"Where?"
"I don't know, I just…" he trails off.
And she knows what he's talking about. He's leaving her. She feels something break inside of her. "Alex, don't," she pleads, fully prepared to beg if that's what it takes. Cancer she can deal with. Him leaving? Not at all.
"N-no, I, uh, I need to."
"Alex, please!"
"Addison, stop."
"No. Don't go. Don't leave."
"I have to."
"I need you, Alex! I am sick and I'm scared and I need you and you're being a fucking coward and running away! I need you!"
"Don't you get it, Addison? I'm the link here! First Izzie, now you… I can't… If I stay and you… I couldn't… I couldn't live with myself! I… I have to go. For both of us."
Okay, now she's crying. "And if I die and you're not here?" she asks loudly before he can open the door. "Will you be able to live with yourself then?"
He freezes, his hand on the doorknob.
"Alex, leaving is not going to change my diagnosis," she says as she tries to keep the sobbing to an absolute minimum. "I will still be sick and I will still be maybe dying. But if you walk out that door, if you leave me, you will take away the only reason I have to fight this thing and I will lose. I will stop fighting and I will die. And I'll die alone, without you. And if I am dying, I want to spend what time I have left with you. So please, please don't leave. Please."
He stands frozen in the doorway, she sobs.
"What part of in sickness and health is so hard to understand?" she asks him through tears. That seems to do the trick. He crosses back over to her and pulls her into his arms. She fully breaks down, now that she knows he's there.
"In sickness and health," she hears him repeat under his breath. "We're going to be okay."
0ooo0
For awhile, they just don't talk about the fact that she's sick. They completely skirt the issue, coming up with crazy euphemisms and never, ever say the c-word.
Then she realizes just how ridiculous that is. There is a 40% chance that she won't make it past five years. They need to talk about that possibility.
So she tries to bring it up. He won't talk about it. The first couple of times he makes up an excuse to change the subject. Then he starts trying to avoid the subject. When she continues to push it, he start flat-out walking away, stopping just short of shoving his fingers in his ears and singing LALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.
"Alex, we need to talk about this!" she exclaims one night at home.
"No, we don't," he insists. "You're going to be fine."
"But what if I'm not?"
"You are."
"You don't know that! What if I'm not? What if I'm not okay? What if I die, Alex? There's a huge chance that'll happen!"
"Stop it!"
"Alex, we have to talk about it. I don't… I'm terrified. But I don't want you to… to be alone if I… die."
"Addison, you're not dying."
"But what if I am?"
"You're not!"
"But what if I am? Please, Alex. Let's just talk?"
He sighs. "Fine. What?"
"You have to promise me something."
"What?"
She studies the floor in silence for a very long time. When she looks up, tears are smearing her mascara down her cheeks. "You have to promise me you'll move on… You have to promise me that you'll… you'll try to find somebody. Somebody to make you as happy as you make me."
"Addison-"
"Please, Alex, just promise me? I… can't… I would hate myself forever if I left you alone. Please? I can't deal with you hurting forever. Just promise me you'll try."
His jaw clenches, his hands close into fists, and his eyes blink rapidly as he tries to fight the lump in his throat from turning into tears. "Fine," he agrees tersely, although it's a complete lie. Addison slumps and throws herself into his arms, sobbing into his shoulder. He wraps his arms around her and pulls her as close as he can. As he buries his face in her hair, one tear makes it way down his face before being absorbed into the red strands.
0ooo0
"Addison, wake up," Alex demands, gently shaking her. She groans and rolls away from him. "Addison, come on, you have to get to the hospital."
She responds by pulling a pillow over her head.
"Addison, get your ass out of bed. You have an appointment. Let's go."
"I'm not going," she replies, her voice muffled.
"Sorry, what?" he asks, thinking that maybe he misheard.
"I'm not going."
"Get up."
"I'm not going."
"Addison-"
"No, Alex, I am tired and chemo always makes me feel like shit and my hair is starting to fall out and there's been no improvement. So I'm not going."
He pulls the covers back, trying not to note how much weight she's lost. "Get the hell out of bed."
"I'm not going, Alex. I'm done. I give up. Just let me die in peace."
And then he gets mad. "Addison, I don't care what the fuck you want right now. You're getting up and you're going to chemo and you're going to get better. And if you ever talk about dying like that again, I'll have every fucking person in the hospital over here to kick your ass. Now get up."
She glares as she sits up. "It's my body. I get to decide what happens to it. Me. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of chemo and radiation and people looking at me like I'm disabled or something. I'm sick of being a fucking china doll and I just want to die and have all of it stop, so I'm not going."
He stares at her for a moment and then storms out of the room. By the end of the day she's got counseling appointments every week too.
0ooo0
The year drags on. Addison continues a seemingly endless cycle of treatments, counseling appointments, and check-ups. Alex is there any time he can be. If he's working when she has an appointment, he'll sneak off and come sit with her or he'll at the very least call. And he never misses a check-up. Everybody in the hospital is incredibly supportive and lets him take the time. And if he can't sit with her, someone else will.
Today he can't be with her. Today he has surgery; it's an amazing opportunity and she won't let him miss it. So Callie sits with her instead as she waits for Bailey to give her the latest news.
The door opens and Bailey enters with her chart. Callie grabs her hand and squeezes. Addison can feel her heartbeat speed up in anticipation. And then Bailey grins and says the single most beautiful word Addison has ever heard: "Remission."
Dead silence.
And then Callie lets out a whoop, pulling Addison into a hug. Addison hugs back weakly, still shocked. "Seriously?" she asks Bailey.
"Seriously," Bailey confirms before hugging her too. "Congratulations, Addison!"
Addison laughs—a pure bubble of joy coming straight from the soul—before that sharply veers into tears. But tears of relief, not sadness. She begins to play with the rings on her finger when suddenly she realizes, "Alex! I have to tell Alex!"
0ooo0
Alex is engrossed in the surgery when the door opens. "Um, Dr. Karev?" a nurse says, holding a mask in front of her mouth.
"Yes?"
"Dr. Sloan?"
"Uh-huh?"
"How much longer until you're done here?"
"About an hour; why?"
"Um, I have a message for Dr. Karev. And I don't think it can wait an hour…"
"What?" Alex asks, feeling vaguely annoyed at the distraction.
"Someone to speak to you."
"They can't wait an hour?" he questions.
"It's your wife."
He's moving towards the door before Sloan gives him permission. But it's Addison, so of course he has permission.
He finds her in the hallway, bouncing on the balls of her feet. He can't read her face. "What's going on? Are you okay?"
A grin slowly spreads across her face and there are butterflies in his stomach as he anticipates what she's going to say. "Addison?"
"Remission," she says simply, a sparkle he hasn't seen since she was diagnosed shining in her eye.
"What?" he asks dumbly.
"Remission," she repeats.
"Seriously?"
She nods, biting her lip.
He's got her in his arms, pulling her tight, sloppily kissing whatever skin on her face he can get at before kissing her lips. "Say it again," he murmurs.
"Remission."
That sets off another round of kissing. The nurses are starting to whisper and stare but neither of them notices. They're lost in each other, somewhere on an island of pure joy.
"I'm okay," Addison whispers. "We're going to be okay."
Another kiss.
"We're okay. You're okay. And I'm glad," he says. "I was getting a little sick of the sickness part of 'in sickness and health.'"
Well, I certainly hope you enjoyed it and it wasn't too depressing.
-Juli-