Gone. Finished. Dead.
Rated: R (language)
Category: S/J UST, Jack Angst, Episode Tag
Season: Four
Spoilers: Entity
Summary: Jack POV Vignette During Episode
Note: Re-watched 'Entity' the other day-just came to me and I wrote it down. Perhaps an answer to how Jack was able to deal with Pete, amongst other things. Somewhat of a companion piece to 'Two Birds with One Stone'-Daniel POV
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I didn't cut the power fast enough. I didn't cut power fast enough. I didn't cut fast enough. Didn't Cut Fast Enough. Didn't Cut Enough. Didn't Cut. Didn't.
Yep, that's me. One negative word pretty much sums it up. Grand failure extraordinaire. One more failure to add to a long list. I failed my son. I failed my wife. I failed my family. I failed myself more times that I can count. I have failed my team more than a few times, too. We always manage to come through in the end, but I have always known that one day our luck would run out. This is that time, and it is most definitely not going to be alright. I can feel it. And it is my fault. I simply didn't get the job done. I failed. I wasn't fast enough. Now, it has cost me Samantha Carter.
Oh, yeah. There is no doubt about it. She isn't here anymore. The damn thing in her head can say what it wants. Call itself by her name or even insist she is in there somewhere, but I know it is bullshit. She isn't there. I can't see a single shred of Sam Carter in those dark and terrifying eyes. Nothing. Hell, I don't even think the lights are on, and there is definitely no one home. Sam is gone. Gone. Finished. Dead.
There. I said it. Sam is dead. Carter is dead. Dead. So, what I have to do won't be that bad. I have to kill what's left of her. I have to do it. The entity said I wouldn't. Oh. I. Beg. To. Differ. You see, you computer based bastard, you have fucked with the wrong soldier. I know loss. I know it like a best friend. I can suckle it in the middle of the night like a babe on a breast. It almost comforts me to feel that familiar feeling. To wallow in grief and self-inflicted tortures too great to name. It's what I do. That's why I have to be the one to do this. I won't lay it on anyone else. Not this time. I won't put anyone else through it. It has to be me. I can do it, and I will. Because in the grand scheme of things, the life of one Major Samantha Carter is a small sacrifice to make to save the fucking world. I am sure there are some out there who like it, even if I often don't. Laying one more log on the pyre of loss in my life is trivial. So, fuck off. Fuck you. Carter is dead, and so are you.
I provoke you. I can't help it. Daniel is trying to reason with you. I just want to hurt you. Scare you. Like you have done to me. You took Carter, you sorry sack of technological shit. Now, you will pay. I am going to kill you, but I want to hurt you first. If it was up to me, I would kill you and your whole goddamned race. I would blow your planet to smithereens. Good thing for them it's not up to me. You will have to do.
XXX
Holy shit! Gonna play like that, huh? Go ahead and run. There is nowhere to go. I will find you and kill you like the piece of shit you are. Ok, then. Fire once. Not too bad. Fire twice, Jack. Fire twice, goddammit! Fire! Carter is dead! Dead! You aren't killing her. You are killing the fucker who murdered her. Fire twice. Done. Fuck you.
XXX
I know now that you are dead in every way. Nothing can be done to save you. They want to stop the machines and pack you away, but I just need a minute. A minute to say goodbye, a minute to think, a minute to reflect…and to regret. If only…things were different...if I had cut faster…well, enough of that. Won't do anyone any good anyhow. There's plenty more where that came from, but that can be a private discussion between me, myself, and I.
XXX
Well, looks like maybe things have changed again. I do not deserve to always come out on top. Some time, my luck really is going to run out. But not today. Somehow, someway…we got you back. I don't even want to think about how, but we got you back. I'm sure sometime you will explain it to me, but for now, I am so thankful I can't even think. That is all I really know for sure. So thankful.
Well, that is not entirely true. I also know one thing has changed forever. One thing that may as well be branded into my brain like a mark on cattle. You might think the memory of shooting and supposedly killing what was left of you would haunt me day and especially night, and while I agree it is an unpleasant memory, it doesn't. It had to be done. It was necessary. Besides, you were already lost to me. I can live with it. However, what I learned was that even though you didn't die, you may as well have to me. The lesson was hard, but well learned, and important. I cannot allow this to happen again. I can't, and I won't. You and I have a thing, Carter. You know it, I know it. Hell, half the base knows it. We didn't mean for it to happen, but it did. Cliché, I know, but there you go. Oh, shit, now I am rhyming. Kill me now. No, really. It would save me a lot of torment. Because what I know is that I cannot feel anything for you. I can't allow it. I cannot bear the loss of you. I put on a brave face because that was expected of me, and it was so sudden I hadn't digested it, but I can't deal with your death. And that is unacceptable. If I allow myself to feel what I do for you, it compromises me. Makes me vulnerable. I can't have that. My job won't allow it, and neither will I. Vulnerable is not something I do well with. So, from this day forth, Carter, you have to be a stranger to me. Please do not come too near. Please. I will do my best to uphold my end. I know I will falter at times, because I am weak, but I will do all I can to end this. What happened today has sealed it. I cannot go on like this. It is gone. Finished. Dead.