Title: On Petty Nuisances
Summary: The consequences that would follow if Granny Weatherwax and Sanzo where ever to meet…
Genre: Adventure/Parody
Warnings: Little or no plot, bad humor and most likely horrible pronunciations of the Sanzo group's name (Thank you Nanny Ogg…) Also there may be some….offensive thoughts. Oh. Well.
Timeline: You could place this after Witches Abroad and during the "Even A Worm" Arc (Hazel is not going to know what hit him I freakin' hate that guy)
Rating: T
Disclaimer: I don't own either Discworld or Saiyuki…I only wish I were as great a writer as Terry Prachett (I just got Thud and it is delightful…)
Because Sanzo and Granny Weatherwax are so much alike for them not to meet would just be…boring.
And on the first day, the Intelligent Designer was bored.
And so the world was created.
And on the Third day the Intelligent Designer was bored again and sent down a message. Lightning struck from the heavens and mortals cowered in their wake. And that did nothing except send the humans and youkai and the like running into caves and moss homes and mountains. It had the entertainment value of burning up ants with a magnifying glass and suns rays and while that was fun, Gods get bored very quickly.
The Intelligent Designer then went for the more direct approach.
He sent down another message in the form of some stone tablets. An old man found them and on them was a single sentence:
Hey. You. Entertain me.
And the world went on.
Being bored wasn't an unusually state for a god or goddess. It's what they were created for really. Immortal lives were fine if you weren't a god. Because at least then you got a life. And you could live it. That was the thing about being having an eternal life. You never really lived.
But gods are a Go-Getter type of people. If something was wrong, they fixed it. Or rather, got someone else to fix it, while they sat back, tuned into that channel and watched.
According the Kanzeon, something was wrong.
She could count, on one holy hand, the number of entertaining things in life and those were:
Interesting People and Interesting Situations.
There seemed to be a lack of those around in this day in age.
Nothing pained her more then to seen an interesting person struggle in a boring situation. Or to see an interesting situation try to form with boring people
She glanced lazily at (Holy Horns)Om, who was across from her, contemplating his next move. Once the Burning-Busher-Smite-Them-Down-With-A-Flaming-Sword type of person, he had disappeared for three years and come back completely changed. He was probably one of the few gods who understood mortality. The witches were under his…jurisdiction, one could argue. But then, again, they were witches. And with them they had Granny Weatherwax who, even for a god was force to be reckoned with.
And yet…He couldn't help but think…they were witches…And witches especially needed to learn their place. Be cut down to size, so to speak.
"It's an…interesting proposition you have Kannon…but my name…of course will not be brought up, if our involvement in the situation where to…leak out?"
Kanzeon smirked. "What's this? Is the Great (Holy Horns) Om afraid of a few witches, a half-youkai, a human-turned-youkai, a youkai-that's-not-actually-a-youkai and a temperamental human with a gun?" Om repressed a cringe. Some things never change. A god's disapproval of witches was just one of them.
'Yes actually, I am. Because you need humans to believe in you. It's what gives us power. Humans will find new gods, new objects to worship. They don't need to pray to you to make it rain forever.'
He answered:
"I'm afraid; Kanzeon, that Granny Weatherwax is not your average witch. Manipulating their situation could prove…fatal. For me at least."
Kannon nodded. Well, he was a small god.
"I guess I can understand…but you must admit, it would be terribly amusing. The old crone and Konzen are so much alike, it would be a shame for them not to meet. I could be wrong. They're some much alike, they might be friends."
Om snorted. Hadn't she ever heard that opposites attract?
Despite his languid(1) appearance, a moral battle of arguable proportions raged within the deity. He had just recently learned the importance of Not Screwing People Around. Apparently individualism was a big thing down there. 100 years and the most Om had done was save a lost goat who was pretty much on his way home to begin with. But he was a god. It wasn't his fault. Messing with people's lives was his nature. You learned how to mess with lives before you were taught how to smite. Not doing it had put some serious pressure on his instincts.
Not that he had to let on the fact that he semi-agreed with her.
It's not like they weren't going in the same general direction. Basically they were both going west. And 'west' is such a large amount of territory, well who knew what one might meet? It really was the perfect opportunity for some entertainment.
"Mou, Merciful Goddess, how, hypothetically(if I were to, agree with this), are we to get them in the same area at the same time? You can't just tell Granny Weatherwax to do something."
Kanzeon smiled. 'Gods and other persons who have power over other people's lives should not be allowed to smile like that. Ever.' Om thought as he slowly grumbled, realizing the important information he had just given away.
"Well, then," the Merciful Goddess responded with all the sweetness of a hornets nest, "It looks like we'll have to tell her not to."
Om gulped.
Later, as Kannon sat over her T.V.-water-feature, the rest of Heaven noticed how she was deep in thought.
The general subconscious thought held by all, was along the lines of 'Oh shit.'
It's a terrible thing to be a god, because then who can you pray too?
No one. That's who.
One lackey, perhaps more brave, stupid, or suicidal then the rest, asked Kanzeon what she was planning.
"But telling wouldn't be fun." Kanzeon whined in a very god-like manner.
He then, asked, at least, if it were dangerous.
Kanzeon smirked as her fingers twitched karma threads to begin weaving a crossover of the two groups. "No…" she drawled.
Then cocked her head like a satisfied cat and said:
"Well…maybe just a little."
To Be Continued
Gods are in a perpetual state of laziness and, though some do attempt, find it difficult to look like anything else. The best one god can manage is an 'Exasperated look and even then, by human standards, they still look lazy. Remember that one episode where Sanzo almost kicks the bucket and Kanzeon kisses him back to life? Ya that was her 'Exasperated' look.
Actual AN: Om is a Discworld god from Small Gods. He won't show up again. He really doesn't have anything to do with the Witches( Granny knows they exist but won't encourage them by believing in them) He was just there because I generally don't use OCs if I can help it( So yes, I am willing to bend over backward and BS the story to avoid use of an OC.)
Next: What happens when they actually meet. The Evil Plot of the Gods Exposed!
(ug. Worst tagline ever.)