"I know we can all be a little dramatic sometimes, Mr. Schue, but I don't think any of us would ever actually consider taking our own life."
The New Directions were currently sitting on the stage in the auditorium. They had found out that Dave Karofsky had attempted suicide, and Mr. Schuester thought it was necessary to have one of their "group talks". Basically, his way of trying to feel better.
The young singers were positioned in a circle. Blaine was sitting across from Kurt, apparently deep in thought. When he heard Mercedes utter her words, he was suddenly alert. She's wrong. He thought. I have thought about taking my own life. I've tried taking my own life. Out of nowhere, the dapper teenager suddenly felt the urge to tell his story.
"I have," he said. A pin could be heard dropping on the other side of the auditorium. There was not a single member of the glee club who didn't have a look of pure shock on their face. They were all thinking nearly the same thing. They knew that Blaine had gone through hell at his first school, but they thought that he was always okay. You know, he was Blaine. Happy, go-lucky Blaine who never wiped a smile off his face and who was nice to everyone. Kurt's boyfriend, who saved him during one of the worst times of his life. The same Blaine who has a panic attack if his gel is coming out, who is one of the only people who can actually stand to be in the same room as Rachel Berry for an extended period of time. This person they knew? They didn't know as much about them as they had originally thought.
Blaine was surveying the group with a close eye. He didn't want anyone to be upset; he merely wanted to share his story. He thought that if hearing that someone they knew besides Karofsky had thought about or even attempted suicide, that it might make it easier for them to understand. Mercedes was right; many of the members of the glee family were extremely overdramatic. They knew what it was like to be sad. But they didn't know what it felt like to be hopeless. They knew what it was like to dislike themselves, but they didn't know what it was like to have an outright hatred for the heart that beats inside their chest. To feel like even when people were telling you it was going to be okay, and that the roars of the mob around you would eventually go down, they are so loud that you were convinced your voice would never be heard. They didn't know what it was like to feel that way, but Blaine did. He didn't want to bring them down, but he suddenly wanted to share his story in the hopes of making sure that none of his friends would ever feel as bad as he had once felt.
Rachel and Tina both had silent tears rolling down their cheeks. Many of the boys were shell-shocked; some were even staring into space. Mr. Schuester was looking at Blaine like he hadn't seen him before. Brittany looked exactly as she did when she found out that Santa Claus wasn't real, and even Santana, the queen bitch, looked as if she was going to shed a tear. And Kurt…he was looking straight at Blaine, a look of utter devastation and betrayal on his face.
Blaine had never told him any of this.
"Blaine, is that true?" Mr. Schuester asked.
The ex-Warbler had the urge to roll his eyes. Oh, no, it's not true. He thought. I just had the urge to shock everyone to hell. Instead, he simply responded, "Yes, Mr. Schue. And if it's alright, I'd like to share my story."
Mr. Schue nodded, and waved his hand as if he were giving Blaine the floor. He looked down and gathered his courage, and began to speak.
"Before I transferred to Dalton, I went to East Westerville High. For the first little while, it was okay. I had a small group of friends who loved me, and I loved them back. One of them, James, was gay. He was the only other gay guy in the school. He was also the only other person alive who knew I was gay. Two months into my freshman year, he finally convinced me to come out to my friends. Out of the five of them, only one accepted me. I found it so weird; they were fine with James, so why weren't they fine with me? My pubescent mind was really self-deprecating. It still is," Blaine chuckled humorlessly, and then continued. "Anyways, those four other people stopped talking to James and I. By two weeks after the time I had came out to my friends, the whole school knew. My ex-friends had suddenly made it their mission in life to make sure there wasn't a single person in the school who didn't know how disgusting I was. But all through this, I was still alright, because I had friends by my side. They promised to never abandon me, and I believed them."
"Two weeks later, I came out to my family. My brother Cooper accepted me with opened arms, as I knew he would. He wasn't the one I was worried about. My mom was heartbroken, of course, but she told me she would love me no matter what. I just had to give her some time to come to terms with everything. I was fine with that; I've heard stories about people who have been kicked out of their house, so I considered myself lucky. My dad was the one I was most scared about. And I had good reason. He told me not to talk to him until he talked to me, and I agreed, thinking that all he needed was a little time to process things, like my mom. Only that wasn't the case. Two months passed, and my dad hadn't even looked at me, let alone talked to me. My mom and I were back to normal, but I could tell that the situation with my father was dragging her down. As the days passed, her eyes began to look more tired, and my dad began to look angrier. But all through this, I still had my brother and mother, so I was alright. No matter how sad and hopeless I felt about the situation with my father, I was fine because I knew I had my mom and Cooper to lean on."
"There was a Sadie Hawkins dance in January of my freshman year. The rumors had slowed down and I wasn't being bullied as much, so I asked James if he wanted to go with me. I forgot to mention earlier that he was a senior, and somewhat of a role model to me. He told me yes, he would love to go with me to the dance as friends. I think that was his way of letting me know that he wasn't interested in me, but he didn't have anything to worry about. I was never interested in him in the first place. I got ready and headed over to his place to take some pictures. He had an amazing home life because his dad was great. He reminds me a lot of Burt." He threw a look over at Kurt, who was looking at Blaine as if he had just told him he hated him. Blaine understood it, and with time, he hoped Kurt could come to terms with why he hadn't told him anything.
"Anyways, we went to the dance and it went really well. We danced with Alexia and her boyfriend to the faster songs, and went and stood on the sidelines during the slow songs. We didn't want to shake things up; people hadn't bothered us that night, and we just wanted to be safe. An hour before the dance was supposed to end, we decided to head over to James' place to have a Harry Potter marathon. While we were waiting in the parking lot behind the school for his dad to pick us up, these three guys beat the living crap out of us. No one was around, so no one saw. His dad found us twenty minutes later. He had been driving around the school trying to find us. He brought us to the hospital and called my parents. Both of them, along with Cooper, were there almost right away. It turns out that James was fine; he only had a sprained ankle, severe bruising and a small concussion. I, however, was in a coma for a week. They had cracked my head open, and the concussion and shock was so bad it knocked me out. I had four broken ribs and dislocated shoulder and knee cap, and I had a black eye. I woke up, went home and transferred to Dalton."
People were looking at Blaine as if they were heartbroken for him, pity in their eyes. Blaine ignored it; he didn't want their pity. Ignoring it, he continued.
"At first, Dalton was like a breath of fresh air. I felt isolated, but everyone treated me like an equal. I was honest straight from the get-go about my sexuality, but none of them seemed to care. And the ones that did care couldn't do anything about it. One day, about two weeks after I transferred, Wes and David heard me singing in one of the music rooms after classes. They barged in without asking and asked me if I wanted to audition for the Warblers. I had seen them perform a few times and loved what they did. So I said yes. And when I made it and was given a solo right away, I felt truly appreciated for the first time in my life."
"And life went on, but it felt like I was always a few seconds behind. Everyone else was moving in fast forward motion, and I was like a snail, steady at the back of the pack. Even though I wasn't being bullied, I still wasn't happy. While things were going fine, I started to cut myself towards the beginning of sophomore year. I didn't know it at the time, but I was suffering from a severe case of clinical depression. After being bullied so much, I guess it was my body's natural reaction. I started cutting, even though there was seemingly nothing wrong with my life. I wasn't happy, I wasn't sad; I was numb. And that scared the hell out of me. Then, I was at the mall one day and I saw some of the bullies from my old school. They insulted me, and it tipped me over the edge. All of the memories came flooding back and I couldn't handle it anymore."
Blaine paused before continuing, knowing that the ending of the story could go one of two ways where Kurt was concerned. He could either be really upset or really mad, and Blaine didn't like either of those options.
"I decided to go to school one last time. I had a bottle of some old pain pills at home from when I was at the hospital after the attack. I wanted to have one last performance with the Warblers. As I was on my way down the staircase towards the room where the performance was taking place, somebody stopped me. I turned around and saw this boy, this beautiful boy with life in his eyes. He asked me if I knew what was going on, and I couldn't help myself. He obviously wasn't a student there, but I pulled him along anyway. Dragged him down a secluded hall by the hand, and then sang "Teenage Dream" right at him. He didn't know it, he still doesn't know it, but that day after hearing his story, it made me want to help him. It made me want to forget my own problems so that I could help someone else with theirs. And suddenly…I didn't want to die anymore."
"This boy…man, I mean, saved me that day. He still continues to save me every day. Kurt," Blaine paused, and looked at his boyfriend. Kurt finally looked up at him, with mixed emotions in his eyes. There was fear, betrayal, but also love and devotion. It was quite the mix, Blaine decided. "I never told you any of this because I was afraid of what you would think of me. You always told me that you looked up to me, so what would you think of me once you discovered I was weak? I was so torn, you have no idea. I hated keeping it from you, but every time I tried to tell you, my pride got in the way. You are the most important person in my life, the person I tell everything to, and I'm so sorry I didn't tell you. But you have to understand."
Blaine was pleading.
Kurt looked at him, but didn't speak. It was as if he was thinking about what he was going to say. "Blaine, I can't be one to judge you. I kept quiet about everything going on with Karofsky for such a long time, and I know where you're coming from. Am I upset that you didn't tell me once we started going out? Yes. Because we're not only boyfriends, we're best friends. But if I had something as bad as that in my past…I probably wouldn't have told you either. At least not for a very long time. So here's what you need to know: I am so proud of you. You aren't weak; you're the strongest person I know. After all of the hardships that you've faced, you're still bright and positive and goofy twenty-four hours of every day, seven days a week. And I love you, so, so much. Come here."
And Kurt stood up and dragged Blaine to his feet. He brought him to the middle of the circle, and in front of everybody, kissed Blaine sweetly. The glee club smiled, tears in their eyes, and cheered for two of the strongest people they knew. Puck fist-pumped (come on, he was the biggest Klaine shipper out there!) and Rachel laughed throatily.
After the boys broke apart, they went to where Blaine was sitting and cuddled up together. Mr. Schue looked at Blaine, and asked him what he wanted everyone to take away from his story.
Blaine said the only thing that he could say: "In the end, you are the architect of your own loneliness. If you don't fight for your life, you're not really leaving. You're not alone, even when you're convinced you're invisible. And most importantly, when you're in a dark time or place, all you need is a little courage to make it through."
Kurt smiled and kissed Blaine on the cheek, and Blaine knew why he was living.