A/N: Hey guys, I've had the idea for this story for a long time, but never really knew how to execute it in a way that I would be proud of. I need to preface this story by saying that I have been professionally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, and my beta suffers from it as well. With that being said, BPD differs for every person that has it. My intention in writing this is to provide a lot of helpful information, not just for BPD. Many who live with this disorder also suffer from severe anxiety and depression. Aside from that, I want this to shed some light on what the disorder actually is because there's a ton of negative shit about it in the media and that isn't fair because we aren't bad people.
A note on the story itself, each chapter will deal with one prominent part of BPD. Each chapter will start with a song lyric that I personally relate to it. (I have every symptom, so this is honestly all just from personal experience.) This whole fic really is just personal experience. The thoughts Regina has are things I deal with on a daily basis so as I've said, if you suffer from it as well and it's different for you, that's still valid. This is just my experience.
Also, I am not a doctor, a therapist, a psychiatrist, nor do I have any degrees in psychology. The therapy sessions are honestly just based on the therapy sections I have each week. A few people have said the way she gets diagnosed needs more, but this is how I was diagnosed so I'm sticking with it.
Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
I have become
Monday, 2:15 PM.
"Regina, you need to speak to someone. You can't keep living like this."
Regina glanced up at her best friend of 25 years, Kathryn. She knew deep in her heart that Kathryn was right, for the past 15 years Regina had struggled, fought, she'd been losing a raging war against herself. The only way she knew how to explain it was, she felt as though her brain was constantly out to get her, telling her to do reckless and impulsive things, insulting her at any chance it could get, and worst of all, telling her that she was absolutely worthless and that her son deserves a better mother than she could ever hope to be. She didn't even know if it made any sense, however, that's how it is and that's her life.
"Regina!" The mayor finally looked up at her friend, having been pulled from her thoughts.
"Yes, Kathryn. I know. I know, look I promise I will go and see Dr. Hopper. I promise Kat." Regina sighed. She didn't want to do this, but she didn't have any other choice. Kathryn offered her a small, but genuine, smile.
"Thank you. You know I'm only saying this because I love you. I just can't bear to see you suffer any longer." Kathryn said with a slight tremble behind her voice.
"I know, Kat. I love you, too." Regina smiled softly up at the other woman
With that, Kathryn got up and hugged her best friend before walking herself out. Regina finally felt her tense shoulder muscles release themselves.
This will be good, she told herself. Regina reached over and picked up her phone and dialed the number to Dr. Archie Hopper's office, scheduling an appointment for 6pm that same day. While it was only a simple phone call, it depleted nearly her entire energy source and she needed a stiff drink. Once she had placed a reminder in her phone, the mayor made her way to her kitchen and fixed herself a tall glass of apple cider. She still had an hour before Henry arrived home from school, so she grabbed her glass and went to work in her office. The one thing she liked the most about being the mayor of Storybrooke was that there was always paperwork to be done. Sure, most people would probably hate that, but not Regina. It gave her mind some reprieve from its constant state of panic.
Regina was almost done filling out her last form, on the town's budget when her pen ran out of ink. She took a moment to glare at it as if it were single-handedly responsible for everything that's ever gone wrong in her life, before snapping it in half and throwing it hard across the room. She sighed heavily, before getting up and leaving, making sure to slam the door behind her just to let out a little bit more rage.
As the mayor stepped off of the last step from the staircase in her house, she saw the front door swing open to reveal her not-so-little boy.
"Hello, dear. How was school?" Regina asked with a small smile gracing her face.
"Hey mom, it was good. Did Aunt Kathryn come over today?" He watched as she sighed heavily, but didn't answer. She just turned away and headed to the kitchen to get started on dinner.
"I'll take that as a yes. We just want you to be okay, mom." Henry told her. She could hear the sadness and worry hidden behind his voice, which caused her to ease up a little.
"I know, Henry. I just, you know I don't like talking about my feelings, you know that." Regina sighed heavily, taking a deep breath before continuing "Regardless, I have made an appointment with Dr. Hopper at 6 today. Will you be fine here on your own?" the brunette turned back, to face the stove as her pot of water had reached a boil and she threw in a box of noodles.
"Yes, Mom I'm so proud of you. Really. You'll see that this going to be a great thing and me and Aunt Kat will be there for you every step of the way. I promise. So are we having spaghetti for dinner?" He tried to lean over the countertop to see what she was doing.
"We are," Regina replied with a laugh following her words. "Would you like to make the toast?" At that, Henry nearly leaped out of his seat from excitement.
When he was little, him and Regina, they would cook together every night. It happens less often now that he's a teenager. Hanging out with your mom apparently isn't cool, when you're fourteen. Nevertheless, she's thankful for the times it does occur.
Regina arrived at Archie Hopper's office at exactly 6 pm, where he was already waiting for her.
"Good evening, Miss Mills. It's lovely to see you." He said while offering her a gentle smile.
"You too." She replied as she took her seat across from him, shifting nervously. Regina was really hoping he didn't catch onto it after all she has this reputation for being a hard ass that she didn't intend to have ruined. Unfortunately, he caught it anyway.
"It's okay to be nervous. It takes an awful lot of courage to seek help from someone. This is a huge step that you're taking. Why don't we start with you telling me why you're here?"
Regina took in a long, deep breath before relaxing her shoulders and leaning back into the couch. I can do this, she thought.
"I wasn't ever going to ask for help. It was suggested to me by a friend. Can I use people's real names, even though you know them? It isn't like we live in a very big town." Archie nodded in reply, assuring her that anything said within the confines of these four walls, they would never be heard by anyone else, so she continued.
"I get really angry. It's rarely over big things. For those, I just shut down. For example, my pen ran out of ink as I was finishing paperwork so I snapped it in half. I also become very sad, to the point of not wanting to live anymore." She inhaled deeply, this is harder than I thought. "I'm always terrified that the people I care about are going to leave me, so I just try to push them away first and then hate myself afterward which leads to excessively drinking. At times, I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like anything. It's like my body moves on its own accord on some kind of autopilot and I'm just stuck watching things happen. I'm constantly talking down on myself, but it isn't really me. It's like I'm fighting a constant battle against my thoughts, which just makes me angrier. The anger is comforting. I understand it. The few times I'm happy, I don't even allow myself to enjoy it because I'm just expecting for everything to fall apart again. Nothing is fulfilling anymore. It's like living in a constant state of boredom. I'm always exhausted. I'm tired of living like this and I'm sure there's more, but that's another struggle. I find it hard to put what I go through into words unless I'm given a specific question that I can answer."
Archie nodded along to everything she was saying until he realized she was finished.
"I see," He said. "Regina, I've known you for a very long time. I have seen you struggle and watched you fight, I want to help you, I think that if we work together, you can be happy and you can get through this." Archie paused before carrying on "Right, I'm going to read you a list, now I want you to tell me yes or no if you experience any of these nine things, okay?" As soon as she confirmed he pulled out a large gray book from his desk, the cover of it reading 'Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition' and began flipping the pages until he found what he was looking for.
"Okay, Regina, do you go through frantic efforts to avoid real, or imagined, abandonment?"
"Yes."
"Do you see people as either the best thing that's ever happened to you or as the worst person ever? And does that change sometimes?"
"Yes."
"Do you have an unstable sense of who you are as a person?"
"Yes."
"Do you find yourself binge eating, driving recklessly, impulsive spending, engaging in unsafe sexual activities, substance abuse, or anything else that could be potentially harmful?"
"Yes."
"Okay. Do you currently self-harm in other ways or have recurring suicidal thoughts?" Dr. Hopper could see Regina visibly flinch, but she answered nonetheless.
"Yes."
"The last three, chronic feelings of emptiness, intense anger and difficulty controlling it, and dissociative symptoms, which you've already clarified that you have. Now Regina, have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder?"
The mayor just shook her head.
"It is a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by the nine things I just mentioned. To be diagnosed, you must experience five of those symptoms, and you have all nine. Would you be able to come back next Monday? I would really like to start working through each one of them with you."
Regina took a few seconds before answering, there was a lot to take in but she did answer quietly "I can do that, yes. Thank you, Dr. Hopper."
They said their goodbyes and Regina made her way back onto Main Street. Everything that Dr. Hopper had told her hadn't really set in yet, there was just so much to think about, however, she felt nice having a name to put to what she was going through. As she was about to get in her car, she saw an unfamiliar yellow Volkswagen Beetle drive by, a beautiful blonde woman behind the wheel. Regina was absolutely mesmerized.